***Doctor Visit from HELL***

[Fierce Critter]

So I haven't been good about keeping up with my "yearly female checkups" in the past. But decided it was only taking risks I didn't need to seeing as I have health insurance. So I went ahead, bit the bullet and scheduled one and went today.

My appointment is at 3:15. I show up at 3:00. I still wait in the waiting room for an hour, having to read 2-year old Family Circle magazines, and listen to some godawfully scratched DVD play on the big screen TV - who in the world in their sadistic mind would pick the "Gilligan's Island" movie for a waiting room full of sick people???

So, anyway, they finally get me inside the area where they weigh you and all that. First, my nurse is all distracted so I go ahead and move the damn sliders on the scale myself and she finally gets back to ME and writes down the godawfully high number.

Then while taking my blood pressure, she's all distracted by the steakhouse menu they're passing around so they can order dinner on the doctor (she's twice as big as MY fat self and orders a whole slab of ribs, baked potato LOADED, salad with EXTRA dressing and a Pepsi) (and I'm not exaggerating - she is HUMONGOUS).

So she takes me over to the bathroom where I have to pee in a cup. Then she takes me out of there and sits me down in the blood-drawing area 'cause there's not a room available for me quite yet. Thank goodness I didn't need blood drawn. (Despite growing up reading the graphic medical journals my RN mother brought home from work, I tend to get faint at the sight of my own blood - whatever.)

So she ushers me into a waiting room finally, and tells me to strip down to nothing, put on a paper gown that opens in front, and sit up on the exam table.

So I do so. And the small gown won't close in the front. So I cover up with an extra paper cover she'd given me, and sit on the edge of the exam table.

And I sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

Finally, I realize I'm going to be sitting there an indefinite amount of time, and I get off the table and pick up the ancient magazine I'd been reading so I can at least get some tips from 2002 on how to decorate Easter eggs with ribbons & crepe paper.

And I sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

I finish the magazine.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

By now, my back is hurting from sitting up without my back supported and not being able to set my feet on the floor, so I finally move the pillow they have positioned behind me and I lay down. And I stay like that for maybe 20 minutes before that becomes uncomfortable, too.

I sit up, and see there are some magazines under an advertisement for Zelnorm. I take the risk the doctor isn't going to walk in in the next 30 seconds and catch me not sitting on the exam table, and go after the magazines.

That's when I notice they're a stack of some kind of "Diabetes Monthly" mags or something equally as disinteresting, so I just sit back down.

And sit.

And sit.

And lots more "sits".

Finally, I think about being brave. I think about poking my half naked self out the door, flagging down a nurse and saying, "If I don't see the doctor in here in 5 minutes, I'm putting my clothes on and leaving."

I script it out in my head several different ways. I picture the flustered nurse and her petty excuses. I also think about telling her how it's kinda bad that nobody has checked in on me in what's probably been over an hour (ends up 2 actually), and I could be foaming at the mouth seizuring on the floor or something for all they know, etc. etc. etc.

But instead, I just sit.

Insert many more sits.

Finally, the doctor comes in. She's so obviously rushed, she's almost out of breath. She mumbles some kind of explanation for her lateness, and I mumble back something less than an "uh-huh", while she and a nurse get instruments of torture & humilation ready.

So, one reason I have trouble getting myself to these kinds of appointments is 'cause a few of my visits in the past have been, shall we say, FUCKING PAINFUL. Particularly the time a doctor managed to scrape off a decent amount of my inner wall with a not-at-all-gently-handled-steel-speculum . (I know she did, 'cause after she left me to dress, I looked at the instrument she'd thrown into the sink and saw my flesh ribboned on the blade like freshly peeled tomato skin.)

So I'm not feeling particularly good about a doctor who is VERY obviously feeling rushed and anticipating a steakhouse dinner delivery.

Ladies, listen to your instincts. Act on those vibes.

So, anyway, let the torture begin.

She gets me into position, I'm trying to relax and count ceiling tiles, and the nurse hands her this newfangled plastic speculum that has a light attached, it kinda works like fiber optics and I think, cool, at least she'll be able to see how much flesh she's scraping off me while she's doing it. Then again, maybe the plastic won't be as sharp as the steel ones were.

She can't even get that far, however. She shoves it at me, hurts me and I say, "ow". And she shoves it at me again, hurts me, and I say, "ow". After one more try, and one more "ow", she tells the nurse she needs a smaller speculum. Ya think?

So she changes weapons, and comes at me again. A bit far to the left, jabbing me, and I say, "ow - it's a bit far to the left there." And she sounds a bit perturbed when she asks me to repeat myself. Again, I tell her she's a bit too far to the left.

Finally, she gets it centered, and none-too-delicately shoves it inside me and cranks it open. Ow. Gets her scraping done, and removes it none-too-delicately. Ow.

Then she shoves a finger back inside me, none too delicately whatsoever. OW.

I'm barely recovering from all that when she says something like, "this is going to be quick and uncomfortable" and before I know what she's doing,

SHE RAMS HER FINGER UP MY ASS AND JUST AS QUICKLY RIPS IT BACK OUT OF ME!!!!!!

I immediately scream, "JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs, and just as uncontrollably follow it up with, "GOD DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

While I'm laying there trying (honestly) to not faint, she mumbles some kind of apology and, "I said it would be uncomfortable," and I say, "UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!?!?!? MORE LIKE EXTREMELY PAINFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And she, unbelieveably, says something to the effect of, "You will be glad later." And all I can think to myself is, "LADY, THERE IS NOT A LIFESAVING FINDING IN THE WORLD YOU COULD DISCOVER FROM THAT WHICH WOULD MAKE ME GLAD YOU DID THAT TO ME - EVER!!"

So she asks me if I'm alright, and I sorta creak out a "yes" and she finishes up.

Oh, and while all this is going on, she's asking me about the asthma problem I also needed to consult with her about. Yeah - great position to be in to discuss a fucking breathing problem. But hey - anything to save the doc time!!!

So she finishes up, and when we're finishing talking about the follow-up I need, she tells me about these 4 medications I need - when I asked her for one, mild prescription to help me clear-up what is a mild recurrence of borderline asthma that only crops up once every 8 years or so. At this point, I'm too damned defeated to argue with her, and I tell her to give me samples if possible.

I get dressed, and again, I FUCKING SIT AND SIT AND SIT.

Finally, I poke my head out of the room, flag down a nurse and ask her, "am I supposed to wait for the doctor to come back here?" and turns out she has the prescriptions in her hand for me. They include Singulair, Prednisone, Advair and an antibiotic. The antibiotic I need to clear up a slight infection, and I don't have a problem with that. But there's no way I'm going to fill 3 prescriptions to take care of an ultra-mild case of situational wheezing, so I decide, silently, to look up the information on the 3 other meds to figure out which ONE I'm going to fill (Probably the Advair).

So I check out, get in the car (at 6:45) and make my way home, feeling a little bit shocky.

I get home, and run into the house and tell my husband, "HUG - NOW!!!" and just completely break down in his arms, bawling.

I tell him all about it, and he agrees there's no way in hell I'm going back to that prescription-happy, sadistic monster.

And then we had ice cream.

No, really. There's this incredible home-made ice cream parlor in my town that has the most incredible flavors, like cinnamon bun, cake batter (yes, it tastes like yellow cake batter), etc. And, of course, the guy who runs it is from Michigan.

'Cause everything good comes from Michigan.

The end. Thanks for reading.

[ManicQueen]

That is uncalled for! How flippin horrible.. I so understand this too cuz I do the same damn things at my doctors office.. I wait. A simple 20 minute visit ALWAYS turns into a 4 hour visit... just to get a prescription or something stupid like that.

[Brenda Starrr]

Awww! I know what that's like, and I hate it. I'm sorry that it was so rough for you!

[Nienna]

Oh GAWD! I'm sooo glad I have a good gyno.. *shudder*

[Fierce Critter]

I'm still wondering - has anyone else ever had the finger up the ass thing? I've NEVER had a doctor do that to me. NEVER.

Not that I wouldn't deal with it if it was a standard procedure, like my husband having to submit to a gently-handled prostate exam. But ramming it in and out like that? What the hell could she gather from that?!?!?

[Black Sunday9]

So I haven't been good about keeping up with my "yearly female checkups" in the past. But decided it was only taking risks I didn't need to seeing as I have health insurance. So I went ahead, bit the bullet and scheduled one and went today.

My appointment is at 3:15. I show up at 3:00. I still wait in the waiting room for an hour, having to read 2-year old Family Circle magazines, and listen to some godawfully scratched DVD play on the big screen TV - who in the world in their sadistic mind would pick the "Gilligan's Island" movie for a waiting room full of sick people???

So, anyway, they finally get me inside the area where they weigh you and all that. First, my nurse is all distracted so I go ahead and move the damn sliders on the scale myself and she finally gets back to ME and writes down the godawfully high number.

Then while taking my blood pressure, she's all distracted by the steakhouse menu they're passing around so they can order dinner on the doctor (she's twice as big as MY fat self and orders a whole slab of ribs, baked potato LOADED, salad with EXTRA dressing and a Pepsi) (and I'm not exaggerating - she is HUMONGOUS).

So she takes me over to the bathroom where I have to pee in a cup. Then she takes me out of there and sits me down in the blood-drawing area 'cause there's not a room available for me quite yet. Thank goodness I didn't need blood drawn. (Despite growing up reading the graphic medical journals my RN mother brought home from work, I tend to get faint at the sight of my own blood - whatever.)

So she ushers me into a waiting room finally, and tells me to strip down to nothing, put on a paper gown that opens in front, and sit up on the exam table.

So I do so. And the small gown won't close in the front. So I cover up with an extra paper cover she'd given me, and sit on the edge of the exam table.

And I sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

Finally, I realize I'm going to be sitting there an indefinite amount of time, and I get off the table and pick up the ancient magazine I'd been reading so I can at least get some tips from 2002 on how to decorate Easter eggs with ribbons & crepe paper.

And I sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

I finish the magazine.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

And sit.

By now, my back is hurting from sitting up without my back supported and not being able to set my feet on the floor, so I finally move the pillow they have positioned behind me and I lay down. And I stay like that for maybe 20 minutes before that becomes uncomfortable, too.

I sit up, and see there are some magazines under an advertisement for Zelnorm. I take the risk the doctor isn't going to walk in in the next 30 seconds and catch me not sitting on the exam table, and go after the magazines.

That's when I notice they're a stack of some kind of "Diabetes Monthly" mags or something equally as disinteresting, so I just sit back down.

And sit.

And sit.

And lots more "sits".

Finally, I think about being brave. I think about poking my half naked self out the door, flagging down a nurse and saying, "If I don't see the doctor in here in 5 minutes, I'm putting my clothes on and leaving."

I script it out in my head several different ways. I picture the flustered nurse and her petty excuses. I also think about telling her how it's kinda bad that nobody has checked in on me in what's probably been over an hour (ends up 2 actually), and I could be foaming at the mouth seizuring on the floor or something for all they know, etc. etc. etc.

But instead, I just sit.

Insert many more sits.

Finally, the doctor comes in. She's so obviously rushed, she's almost out of breath. She mumbles some kind of explanation for her lateness, and I mumble back something less than an "uh-huh", while she and a nurse get instruments of torture & humilation ready.

So, one reason I have trouble getting myself to these kinds of appointments is 'cause a few of my visits in the past have been, shall we say, FUCKING PAINFUL. Particularly the time a doctor managed to scrape off a decent amount of my inner wall with a not-at-all-gently-handled-steel-speculum . (I know she did, 'cause after she left me to dress, I looked at the instrument she'd thrown into the sink and saw my flesh ribboned on the blade like freshly peeled tomato skin.)

So I'm not feeling particularly good about a doctor who is VERY obviously feeling rushed and anticipating a steakhouse dinner delivery.

Ladies, listen to your instincts. Act on those vibes.

So, anyway, let the torture begin.

She gets me into position, I'm trying to relax and count ceiling tiles, and the nurse hands her this newfangled plastic speculum that has a light attached, it kinda works like fiber optics and I think, cool, at least she'll be able to see how much flesh she's scraping off me while she's doing it. Then again, maybe the plastic won't be as sharp as the steel ones were.

She can't even get that far, however. She shoves it at me, hurts me and I say, "ow". And she shoves it at me again, hurts me, and I say, "ow". After one more try,  and one more "ow", she tells the nurse she needs a smaller speculum. Ya think?

So she changes weapons, and comes at me again. A bit far to the left, jabbing me, and I say, "ow - it's a bit far to the left there." And she sounds a bit perturbed when she asks me to repeat myself. Again, I tell her she's a bit too far to the left.

Finally, she gets it centered, and none-too-delicately shoves it inside me and cranks it open.  Ow. Gets her scraping done, and removes it none-too-delicately. Ow.

Then she shoves a finger back inside me, none too delicately whatsoever. OW.

I'm barely recovering from all that when she says something like, "this is going to be quick and uncomfortable" and before I know what she's doing,

SHE RAMS HER FINGER UP MY ASS AND JUST AS QUICKLY RIPS IT BACK OUT OF ME!!!!!!

I immediately scream, "JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs, and just as uncontrollably follow it up with, "GOD DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

While I'm laying there trying (honestly) to not faint, she mumbles some kind of apology and, "I said it would be uncomfortable," and I say, "UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!?!?!? MORE LIKE EXTREMELY PAINFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And she, unbelieveably, says something to the effect of, "You will be glad later." And all I can think to myself is, "LADY, THERE IS NOT A LIFESAVING FINDING IN THE WORLD YOU COULD DISCOVER FROM THAT WHICH WOULD MAKE ME GLAD YOU DID THAT TO ME - EVER!!"

So she asks me if I'm alright, and I sorta creak out a "yes" and she finishes up.

Oh, and while all this is going on, she's asking me about the asthma problem I also needed to consult with her about. Yeah - great position to be in to discuss a fucking breathing problem. But hey - anything to save the doc time!!!

So she finishes up, and when we're finishing talking about the follow-up I need, she tells me about these 4 medications I need - when I asked her for one, mild prescription to help me clear-up what is a mild recurrence of borderline asthma that only crops up once every 8 years or so. At this point, I'm too damned defeated to argue with her, and I tell her to give me samples if possible.

I get dressed, and again, I FUCKING SIT AND SIT AND SIT.

Finally, I poke my head out of the room, flag down a nurse and ask her, "am I supposed to wait for the doctor to come back here?" and turns out she has the prescriptions in her hand for me. They include Singulair, Prednisone, Advair and an antibiotic. The antibiotic I need to clear up a slight infection, and I don't have a problem with that. But there's no way I'm going to fill 3 prescriptions to take care of an ultra-mild case of situational wheezing, so I decide, silently, to look up the information on the 3 other meds to figure out which ONE I'm going to fill (Probably the Advair).

So I check out, get in the car (at 6:45) and make my way home, feeling a little bit shocky.

I get home, and run into the house and tell my husband, "HUG - NOW!!!" and just completely break down in his arms, bawling.

I tell him all about it, and he agrees there's no way in hell I'm going back to that prescription-happy, sadistic monster.

And then we had ice cream.

No, really. There's this incredible home-made ice cream parlor in my town that has the most incredible flavors, like cinnamon bun, cake batter (yes, it tastes like yellow cake batter), etc. And, of course, the guy who runs it is from Michigan.

'Cause everything good comes from Michigan.

The end. Thanks for reading.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

wow this post was shorter than your usual ones.

:grin

[Sybil]

uuhhh.. you poor girl.. trust me when i say i have had similar experiences.. only difference is i never had to wait.. i got rushed right in.. oh lucky me!! i hate those damn visits...

>hugs to you and my deepest sympathy!!< :tear

[Nienna]

I'm still wondering - has anyone else ever had the finger up the ass thing? I've NEVER had a doctor do that to me. NEVER.

Not that I wouldn't deal with it if it was a standard procedure, like my husband having to submit to a gently-handled prostate exam. But ramming it in and out like that? What the hell could she gather from that?!?!?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I have NEVER, EVER had that happen and I've been having the yearly about every 3 months for over 7 years now. (Long story) Creepy.. all I have to say. I mean, all they could feel llike that are maybe hemmeroids, and you'd KNOW if you had those.

[Marblez]

I have NEVER, EVER had that happen and I've been having the yearly about every 3 months for over 7 years now. (Long story) Creepy.. all I have to say. I mean, all they could feel llike that are maybe hemmeroids, and you'd KNOW if you had those.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

From what i understand it is feeling for abnormality in the back walls. They have done it to me before.

I would recommend actually going to an OB/GYN if at all possible from now on.

[Brenda Starrr]

I have the finger up the ass thing eery year. It's quite disturbing.

[Onyx]

I love my doctor!

I've had these types of experiences and i've been through a LONG string of doctors trying to get at least ONE who understood migraines (though never had a piece of me scraped off - damn! I'd think you could sue for that one). My doc doesn't do a rectal exam, only the usual pap thing.

It's so hard to find a good doc I'd be tempted to drive back here after I move just to see mine. (about the only thing I like here really).

Definitely wouldn't go back to that one and glad to hear you're going to switch to a new one.

[Lilith]

the only time i have ever heard of them sticking a finger in yer bum is if something was actually wrong in the first place, but i do agree they could be more gnetle about it, maybe masssage it first or something.

When ya come to MI if you end up near hwere i live i have a name of an awsome Doc for you, he has done many many many nice things for me in the woman dept. They warm the tools, and the doc has rushed tests for me so i could get some other wise incovient and hurtful things taken care of befor holidays, "found" small unimpotant but yet acceptable (per my insurance) reasons to get things done which i want done (like my tubes tied, or being induced, reg STD tests etc...). Awsome doc who grew up poor paid his own way through med school , and did not get a GOD complex from his "life saving" abilities. THey are also normally very quick about seeing you, and they do not rush in one in or out.

lilith

[Aralis]

I have never had them stick a finger up my ass! That is weird to me.

Sorry you had such a horrid visit. I would definitely go elsewhere next time!!

[Paper Hearts]

i had a real "good" one back in February at the St. John's (7/Mack) Pediatrics urgent care center (Eastside Pediatrics) for a reccomendation of "Dimetap and Tylenol". Well, I had to be sure it wasn't something serious but it was in the very peak of the "cold-season" and being a single person that works full-fucking-time, I can't get out to take my daughter to normal doctor visits during weekday afternoons, so urgent care it was...so after carrying her limp, ailing, surprisingly heavy frame probably, oh 7 or 800 yards from the car lot to the pediatrics place, after signing in, was then allowed to recover for a very generous 3 and a half hours before we got called in-i swear to you, she seemed fully healed by this time...well once we got into the little room, it was another 2 hours before the doctor (singular) could make it to us (we were playing hide-and-go-seek and tag in this little 7 by 9 room in order that she didn't go crazey and reading little books and i would blow up the doctors rubber gloves for her and she thought it was very funny), but yes, of course the doctor took another half-hour or 45 minutes from that point-and i had to carry her back out-this was a Friday night...there had been a case of strep throat at her nursery school....

[JaneDead]

I'm still wondering - has anyone else ever had the finger up the ass thing? I've NEVER had a doctor do that to me. NEVER.

Not that I wouldn't deal with it if it was a standard procedure, like my husband having to submit to a gently-handled prostate exam. But ramming it in and out like that? What the hell could she gather from that?!?!?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i never have but it could have been necessary. BUT even if it WAS necessary the doctor is supposed to tell you first and tell you why!

i have had to wait and wait and wait too at dr's like that.

sadly it is hard to find a good place to go. i have been to alot of doctors over the years and really i have only found 3 that i actually liked and trusted and never had problems with.

[Fierce Critter]

O.k. Did some googling. It's officially called a "digital rectal exam". And it's standard in many doctor's offices during a general checkup like this.

But NOWHERE did I find that the proper technique is to RAM a finger up and out quickly & harshly.

Actually, they recommend it be done slowly and carefully, with some pressure applied from the outside, especially for men in checking for prostate abnormalities.

They do say that, rarely, a loss of consciousness called "vasovagal syncope" can occur due to fear or pain during the procedure, which may explain why I got kinda shocky & near faint.

Definitely not proper procedure. I've a mind to sue for a rib slab dinner with all the fatty fixin's.

[Head Wreck]

fingher up the ass.... what does that tell them? your alive as your anis is warm inside... wtf...

i would have beaten him to death with one of those old style blood pressure thingies for causing pointless pain.

as to the wait... in a paper gown. i'd have gooten dressed, gone to reception and l;eft my number to get back to me on results thisfar and tell them i'm changing my practitioner and want a certification of release (something that we need over here to change doctors so records can be moved on to the new practitioner).

then i would have gone back in and beaten the doctor some more with said blood pressure thingie... as it seems like a fun thing to do.

needless to say my last few visits to the doctor was when i colapsed on my doorstep and halucinated for 2 days due to illness. and when i unlaced my boots from walking back from collage (7 miles) and my leg when out of the boot kinda flopped over partway up the shin.

the last onbe was coming onto 5 years ago now.

[lullaby1031]

I've never had them try the finger up the ass thing to me.. but I know what their checking for so thats no big thing. Men get colon problems more then women, but its still a good thing to have checked every GREAT once and a while where as men should get it done often. There's a good doctors office off Palmer Rd and Haggerty?, in Canton. Its a St. Joesph's med center?? I know its St. something. But my family always went there after it got built and I never had a problem with their doctors. Very nice, on time, barely a wait if you have an appointment that is and always very chatty with you about conditions or new things coming out. I would suggest that office to anyone.

[Ginevra]

The rectum thing can be a normal deal depending on the doctor. When I was enlisting in the MN National Guard some years ago, that was a standard procedure to do that type of exam to females. While the finger was inserted rectally, the stomach was palpitated (I think that's the right word) to ensure that everything was where it needed to be.

Sounds to me like someone was in a freaking hurry for their rib dinner.

[honeymustard02]

I have only had the finger in the bum once and she was really easy about it.

Lol It still was uncomfortable, but she didn't hurt me. I'm sad though because they moved and I can't go to her now. :(

[pomba gira]

I'm just glad I'm old & assertive enough to walk if I feel the wait is too long or the treatment I'm receiving is not respectful. Was this an HMO doc? Sure sounds like it. They are notorious for providing rushed and impersonal "care" since they are basically getting paid piecework and under constant pressure to see more patients per hour.

I would certainly not go back there, BUT I would also write a polite but assertive letter to whatever administrative body the practice is under the aegis of. Send a copy to the practice itself, & one to the state or local regulatory body. The more complaints they get, the more incentive they have to change things!

The rectal exam is to check for bleeding, "everything being in place", and something else that escapes me right now. It's pretty standard part of a gyn exam- BUT it's also standard for a provider to announce EVERY procedure she does, especially invasive ones!

[honeymustard02]

I swear reading you post jinxed me. I had my annual yesterday and it was long. I sat in the exam room for a half hour before she finally came in. That has never happened to me! lol