Anxiety/ Depression

[Tuomaaca]

Your courage allows you to share these things, kudos to you all!

I want to share a story, but it doesn't belong to me and will have to wait for another time.

Needing to learn more about Bi Polar, I just recently downloaded a BBC movie/special which IMO gave a very good portrayal. It's called Stephen Fry: the secret Life of the manic depressive. If any of you get the chance to see it, I'd like to know what you think.

[Scales]

I am going to document about my depression as of recent and study of depression in detail. As a warning this might be unsettling to some people. I don't find this personal enough to keep secret, I recall a quote that secrets lead to unhappiness, but I also think if this could help someone else its worth sharing my thoughts.

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Earlier this year I had some phases where I felt deeply suicidal. I've had suicidal feelings in the past and spoken to people about these feelings. But I have never had suicidal feelings as strong as this year. I simply couldn't feel affection and just felt a kind of lovelessness. I was immobile and found it very hard to talk about it. Before going back on medication I had the hardest conversation of my life, telling my mom about my the seriousness of my feelings, and asking her if she could take me to a mental hospital if I would ever felt I needed it.

Gloom and darkness from depression have become a kind of backdrop to most of my memories. It took me a long time to realize my memories were changed by depression, but the idea of many memories being purely happy is completely alien to me. Obviously its important to note that memories are references to how to act and behave, so I take this emotional corruption of memory into account for long-term depression.

With my medication history: I went through the generics for three anti-depressants last year. Only one worked for awhile which was Paxil. Wellbutrin caused a breakdown and made me feel suicidal when the dosage doubled. Celexa caused me hours of nausea. Now I'm on Zoloft and Klonopin and so far its better than not being on medication and I'm doing okay.

From what I've read, nobody really knows what causes depression. Chemical imbalance is the leading theory. Others believe depression can be completely cured without medication. I do not believe my depression will ever leave my life, but as of now it is mild when it comes. I take a guess that various forms of social isolation and negative environments caused me to subconsciously put negativity into my memories somehow, thus eventually leading to depression-- but I don't know.

For best describing depression, I like the quote, "If you think about the worst you have ever felt in your life and imagine feeling that way every day and not knowing why, then you'll know what depression is." Depression fills a person with loneliness, guilt, lack of belonging, and lovelessness. There are common feelings like everything you do is wrong, that there is no right, that everything is inherently dark and negative, that you'll never own up to anything, racing negativity, and impending death.

Somehow there is also sometimes a love for depression, its a whole other world and world-view. It seems surreal that in such a vast universe, such dark emotions can come to fruition infinitely. Depression has dramatically changed me as a person, I think I'm more caring than I ever was before. I also find there is sometimes this strange, comforting feeling of love and affection clashing with lovelessness, but I can't quite describe it.

Anyways these are my thoughts, its more Klonopin then bravery sharing them. I'm proud to share them, and I won't be taking them down. I thought I'd resurrect this thread to throw them here in case they help anyone.

Yes you do , we all have the choice to succeed or fail in life.

Even though this post is a year old, I don't think anyone is a success or failure, just successful failures (like in the instance of Isaac Newton, whose light-bulb escapade is a great representation of evolution). We fail until we reach success, failure is in itself a success, but then its all perception.

[taysteewonderbunny]

Thank you, Scales, for the above post and your bravery (Klonopin induced or not). I can empathize completely. I have been there all too often. And, yeah, Wellbutrin is terrible.

[coed_doll]

Wellbutrin was just awful for me....I was ready to rip someone's head off...no kidding.

I've been on several...currently on Cymbalta for the past few years...definitely helps...

I will say that Zoloft got rid of the compuliveness....but Cymbalta has been the best for me for dealing with true depression. I would NOT wish it on my worst enemy....it is the most horrible expierience...one suicide attempt in the past few years...

Just this week, I've started reading up on natural herbs/vitamins/suppliments. I need to make changes in my life and don't you dare take my meds away. THAT is scary...but I am trying to find another "natural" alternative in additon to western medicine....makes me hopeful.

Gimp....I am so sorry for all you have been through....it is so hard to deal with when the people that should protect and love you don't. BUT, you are not alone....and you have the inner strength to overcome any obstacle. My very best to you.

And to everyone else....do NOT give up....believe in love and compassion...and know that you are worthy.

[TitsMcGee]

Thank you, Scales, for the above post and your bravery (Klonopin induced or not). I can empathize completely. I have been there all too often. And, yeah, Wellbutrin is terrible.

Wellbutrin was just awful for me....I was ready to rip someone's head off...no kidding.

I've been on several...currently on Cymbalta for the past few years...definitely helps...

I will say that Zoloft got rid of the compuliveness....but Cymbalta has been the best for me for dealing with true depression. I would NOT wish it on my worst enemy....it is the most horrible expierience...one suicide attempt in the past few years...

Just this week, I've started reading up on natural herbs/vitamins/suppliments. I need to make changes in my life and don't you dare take my meds away. THAT is scary...but I am trying to find another "natural" alternative in additon to western medicine....makes me hopeful.

Gimp....I am so sorry for all you have been through....it is so hard to deal with when the people that should protect and love you don't. BUT, you are not alone....and you have the inner strength to overcome any obstacle. My very best to you.

And to everyone else....do NOT give up....believe in love and compassion...and know that you are worthy.

See I never had a real problem with Welbutrin. Prozac is what made me even worse, the majority of the scars I have are from when I was on Prozac

[Slogo]

Though I believe sometimes these medications go to those who really need them (mostly on this board, we have mostly honest people here). But I do believe they are over prescribed. People are like "My gf broke up with me, I'm depressed". The thing is that is supposed to depress people. You are supposed to have feelings of sadness. I'm not talking about the people who have an actual chemical imbalance.

[Scales]

Thank you, Scales, for the above post and your bravery (Klonopin induced or not). I can empathize completely. I have been there all too often. And, yeah, Wellbutrin is terrible.

No problem. Its a difficult thread to talk about but anxiety/depression is something worth bringing up since globally its not stopping anytime soon.

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I do try to look at things from multiple perspectives. At the risk of being cynical, the reality of my medication is that I am one of many people inducing a long-term drug addiction to fight mental-illness. The klonopin helps fairly well with anxiety, but SSRI's for me, are kind of like their own specific numbness you put to the right dosage, and stay on long enough to hopefully change the deeper roots of whatever is going on. I still have/battle with depressive episodes, just earlier today I was listlessly kind of sulking around.. but I also have genuine moments of happiness.

I will keep studying "mood disorders," and related theories, as well as their relation to "positive psychology," which I find very interesting.