Anxiety/ Depression

[Jinonfire]

I have always had a little depression inside me but two years ago when I moved to Toledo I thought everything was gonna get better for me and it did for a while, but good things in life rarely last. I started out like anyone else would , tried to make some friends ,get a job ,find a girl , you know the stuff people normally do when moving to a new area. One day I noticed myself being very nervous not casually; but so bad I was having leg spasms. These nervous episodes (which were my anxiety attacks) continued to escalate and me being the person I am thought I could beat them with my own mental and physical strength, mind over matter as to say.

Well I was wrong, they continued to get worse until I was at the point of being unable to eat,drink , smoke, or even function as a human, the only action i could accomplish was to sit in the fetal position in the dark and rock back and forth until I exhausted myself. I remember waking up one day and not being able to think , and its not like having alot on your mind , it was more like someone setting off firecrackers all day in my skull or as if my head was a bathtub.....someone threw a toaster in it. When a thought would attempt to be coherent it would be swept away by a flood on non coherent thought, I spent a few days in bed and figured it would pass. After 2 days of bedrest and calling off work I decided that I was feeling better and went back to my normal schedule, wake up, go to work and hang out with my girl life was not great but it was ok. A week maybe two passed and it all started again only this time the attacks would hit me wherever I was and I slowly began to lose my ability to drive, I simply couldnt concentrate on the road and traffic around me, It was total sensory overload.

I began talking to my at the time gf, and she said it was probably anxiety attacks so I did some research of my own, and sure enough all the symptoms fit, the insomnia, the lack of hunger and sensory overload...I was as scared as I had ever been in my life, but the problem wasnt getting any better and I knew if I didnt force myself to do something soon it would pass the event horizon. I made a decision to seek professional help but being low on cash with no health insurance I had to search out a non-profit organization, so I started searching within Toledo for some help and I was alone in this and too scared to ask my so called friends for help for fear of being made fun of my mother tried but just couldnt grasp what I was trying to explain to her; at this point I knew it was now or never. I contacted RESCUE, a non-profit mental health group close to my house in town, it had to be close as I couldnt drive far safely. I told my work that I needed to take care of this and they were understanding in my situation thank god. My gf at the time however gave me a somewhat cold response it was not exactly what I expected from someone who claimed to love me. I did it anyway and managed to make my way there. I talked to a councilor at length before it was decided to put me in st.charles mental ward for a week. I arrived in a van that was driven by an aid worker, leaving my car at their parking lot. This was terrifiying for me , over the past few weeks I had changed from one person to another completely and I was starting to wonder if I would ever be me again and who exactly am I now. The ward stay was not as bad as I had thought it would be beside not being able to smoke there, I met some people who understood somewhat how my head was functioning and laughing with the cute nurse when she would take my pulse during an anxiety attack and comment on how my heart rate was so high that they couldnt understand why I wasnt going in to heart failure. There was good and bad from it but the saddest thing was me finding a ride for my gf to come see me at the hospital and then having to beg her to and she still never came. I was relesed and had some follow up appointments with a councilor and doctor they shoved me full of paxil for depression and trazodone for the anxiety and insomnia. After I had taken these both for more than a month I noticed all my creativity was going away , I couldnt sketch I simply couldnt think of what to draw or even get the lines right , Ive been sketching since I could hold a pencil and to me thats a fate worse than death to not be able to express myself in the only way I know how, other side effects began to surface , I wasnt eating again; didnt even feel hungry even when it would be days between meals. I started to have bouts of insomnia once more but the most disturbing thing was that I couldnt be happy or sad the pills wouldnt let me for that matter I just was.

I turned to my friends for help even wondering what they would think because they didnt know I had went for help and sure enough it was what I feared they pretty much blackballed me after that as a crazy person guess we were from 2 different worlds and things just kept going downhill ;my gf of 2 years left me for my once best friend and left me with nothing but a broken heart and a note on my desk. this was especially hard as this girl had a unique way of deciphering my thoughts and it was heaven to be with her and just talk to someone who understood my thought processes when god closes a door and opens up a window he tends to shove me out of it.

I stopped with the pills and now am doing somewhat better, I can sketch again which is a victory in itself; eating and sleeping are becoming more regular and I can feel happy or sad .but the axniety /depression is still there and just as strong as its ever been. I never got another chance to be who I used to ,this condition has changed me permanently so I have to live with who I am now.There are some upsides to it such as putting an anxiety attack to work for me within all the chaos of thought; if I concentrate enough I am able to grab a picture from my mind and hold it without it being washed away and then sketch it and eventually through this process I can sometimes beat an anxiety attack although it may take hours of concentration and im usually very tired at the end. The depression I can only take in stride as I never know when it will happen as there are no warning signs like an anxiety attack.

I needed to express this and I hope this was the right place to do so as Ive been keeping it inside for a long time now, also in reading this you may gain some insight to who I am, and when you eventually meet me at city club I wont be so much of a stranger, if I can ever get a sat off to come visit Detroit ,this saturday is looking good so far so heres hoping for it. I enjoy everyone here having their own opinion and believe there is still hope for me. I would really like to make friends I can trust ,as even a solitary mountain has trees for company and an island has the sea. Ive been untrusting and alone for over a year now (tho i managed to find a girl I dont know how, pity maybe?) I believe I may be ready to trust people again , its just now I dont know where to start, Im hoping going to CC could be that start, even finding someone with the same condition would be nice, hell just talking to someone would be nice.

If you saw me walking down the street you would never know what was behind that fake smile, well now you do.

My name is Eric But everyone calls me Boz on account of my last name and I just want to live, and this was something I needed to say.

[eleven]

Props to you for telling people how it is in your world, i am glad that you can sketch again. As I know how not being able to draw would bother me.

[taysteewonderbunny]

I've had depression and anxiety all of my life. I've been diagnosed as a depressive, Post-traumatic stress disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, and most recently, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The last diagnosis makes the most sense of them all.

The severity of your symptoms worries me. I hope you can find help and direction, even someplace where medication is optional, or where they are more willing to work with you until you find something that works, preferably, if meds are mandatory, utilizing a variety of other techniques (like your mental focusing and other meditation, diet, exercise, and development of a strong support network that has knowledge and empathy for your situation).

I don't know of anything in the Toledo area, but you might want to check out what services are available connected to a university, especially one with a good medical program. I, myself, used Wayne State University's Psychology Clinic. I received a full psychological evaluation for $100, out-patient and attend weekly counseling sessions at a sliding scale fee based upon income. I don't know if they can help you, but maybe they can give you some numbers of possible resources in your area. (313) 577-2840.

Good luck! Best wishes, and please keep talking to us. There is a way out of every abyss.

[jynxxxedangel]

It was quite brave of you to come forward. I actually read this post earlier, but I really don't know exactly how to respond.

I've battled with depression and anxiety my entire life. My best defense has always been to slip into survival mode, and push the negative feelings into the back of my mind. I think to myself,

"The worst thing that can happen, is inevitable-- I'm going to die someday; but that's OK, because it's part of the cycle of life, therefore natural, and nothing to fear. I'm being completely irrational right now, and wasting time I could be using to enjoy my life, being afraid over absolutely nothing."

After I repeat these mantras to myself a few times, my resolve to go on with life is strengthened, and my moments of weakness pass.

I know it sounds trite, but give it a try, sometime. I've been through living hell, and this works for me.

[aequorea]

add me to the list - clinical depression and anxiety disorder. i have been (consciously) dealing with this for almost 10 years.

i am fascinated by how very different each person's experience can be...

for example, jynx - i WANTED to die for about two years. up until 2 or 3 years ago i saw death as a blessing and a beautiful release.

jinonfire -

i also had terrible side effects from paxil, including partial neuropathy (couldn't feel my left foot), terrible vertigo, and sexual dysfunction (i couldn't have an orgasm for 3 months). after working with a few different docs, i have found a combination that minimizes my physical symptoms and helps me to lead a positive and productive life. in other words, there may be something out there that will make things easier.

3 things that have helped me regain my self and my life...

- therapy

- medication

- learning about and applying philosophy, coping mechanisms, self-acceptance, etc

i still hope to get away from the meds someday, but i'm not there yet.

you are not alone in your experiences, there are people here who are happy to listen...

remember that even small progress is still progress.

if all you can do is maintain, at least you're not moving backwards.

if all you can do is make it through the day, the night, the hour - then there is still hope that it will get better.

[TheGimp]

you can add me to that list to man

ive been dealing with depression to for 10 years man i undergone mental and physical abuse from my step dad from age 8 to 18 day in day out my stomach would do turns when hit hit 430pm and i knew hed be home in a half hour ad i would give myself ulcers at 9 years old trying to figure out if theres anything wrong with my room if my chores were done perfectly homework was perfect and just about nothing was wrong tht i could be held accountable for but alas at my age i had no idea i was being abused just because he was a sick asshole around age 10 i found out he was a petafile and that fucked with my syke horribly i had no idea how to grasp that i was talking to my cousin from cali one day and she wnated to see new pictures of the family so i opend the sharing folder and clicked the wrong folder and all this explict content oped up i dont need to explain for obviouse reasons but didnt know who to tel i couldnt tell my mom at that age cz i thought she would brand me a liar i dint wanna call the cops because i was being beaten and thought if he didnt get in trouble id surly die around age 13 i was still being beaten regularly i was stil to scared to tell anyone i knew i had the same lame excuses you see in the movie i fell of my bike i triped goin up the stairs and fell down i fell down the stairs said they were from playing football wrestling anything i could think of to keep the family from thinking anything and the teachers quiet well i kept this secret my whole life up unil 15 when my middle brother approached me and looked rather green in the cheeks and said he wnated to show me something on the computer and i knew the look in his face it was the same i had when i first sen it to i relaized what he just found i told him i seen that many years ago and still dont know what to do by that time frank (my step dad) began to abuse him as well...well it only got worse from there frank found a program that enabled him to hack our screenameaccounts IE AIM Yahoo MSN ext ext and me and andrew began to get angry IM's from freinds asking why we were being so perverted to them turned out frank had the balls to pretend to be me and talk filthy to my freinds and my little brothers friends in a chance to get them to send inapropriate pic's of themselves after my brother confided in his freinds they understood and said it was sad and felt compassion for him me on the other hand was blackballed i was in highschool evryone remembers how cruel high school can be i was out casted which i gladly accepted for some reason i took joy in solitude it gave me piece of mind around age 18 after a fight and he brokemy nose it was the finial straw and i actually broke down that night in my room sitting in the dark on the floor in the fetul postition holding myself just praying to god he would let me go to sleep andi wouldnt wake up becuase i couldnt take another moment of my life when i woke up the next day my freind rob called me one of the few that i had and asked me why i had been so distant hen i confided in him what i had told you now he took me to the plice station the cops issued a warent got the computers and found nothing evidetnly frank had nuked the hard drive he was off the hook and i looked like a fool rob had of course seen the evidence and was shocked as i was 3 years went by of being socialy outcasted by the family aside fro my mother and half brother then one beautiful day the day before my 21st birthday frank said he was going to a poker party and i was headed out with freinds to go bar hoping at 12am he didnt come back the next day on my birthday ten the next day when the channle 4 news came on this past year if any of you had seen it that 27 men were arrested in a sex sting he was one of those men he is now sitting in pugsley state pen for a year he desrves more if you ask me after that my mother filed for a divorce during that time he had the house forclosed on and our car repossesed so even in jail the son bitch fucked us...but hes out of our lives now and iam trying to start a new as well i still have depression and the mental abuse still lingers horribly i find it hard to deal with basic things like making new friends i always think iam being judged by everyone i come into contact with my worst case as some know that are good friends that i confide to is women after 10 years of being beaten down by a man who pretty much said you are worthless ugly and unlovable it gets ingrained into your mind so bad that you truly belive it so i find it so dificult to even find a g/f becuase i feel that way but i dont know iam sure in time i will get over it i hope i get over it.... but i just wanted to express my life experince as you did yours Boz your a very brave person and have a lot of courage to post that on here so just wanted to share with you let you know your not alone with depression

[hunhee]

Thank you for sharing your story.. I have a lot to say about this, and my response, so I will post it later when I'm not rushing out the door to go to work.

[aequorea]

hugs for all, especially jinonfire and gimp

and gimp -

i have a lot of thoughts/feelings about your story, but it's hard to pin them down with words. i'll give it a try...

i wish that you had not been emotionally abandoned in such a terrible situation (this is a massive understatement)

you survived, which takes strength

may the bastard rot in hell ten times over

thank you for sharing your story... seems to me that telling others about terrible experiences robs those memories of some of their power. ... if there is something that makes you feel bad about yourself, anything at all, it can help to hear people say:

you are okay

it was not your fault

... and it also helps to see that people don't run off in horror, but stick around and treat you the same or better.

my grandmother was abused and did not feel able to confess until her mother died. she was almost 70 at the time. one good thing - you have years ahead of you to grow and learn different ways of being. another good thing - people are never too old for progress.

just to be clear...

you are okay

you did not deserve what happened to you

it was not your fault

don't believe a damn thing the manipulative motherfucker ever said to you

( H U G )

[Rayne]

3 things that have helped me regain my self and my life...

- therapy

- medication

- learning about and applying philosophy, coping mechanisms, self-acceptance, etc

i still hope to get away from the meds someday, but i'm not there yet.

This is such a wonderful thing to hear. Too many people take themselves off of their medication and feel great for awhile after doing so -- only to spiral down even deeper than they were to begin with, thinking the meds made it worse.

Most often the culprits are one of two things -- your on the wrong dose or the wrong combination.

Keep in mind any psychological meds can take up to 12 weeks to work. Often in these 12 weeks of trying to find the right dose, it can cause you to be overmedicated. Doctors often don't take the time to up the meds gradually, or people just don't want to deal with it. Often they will up it prematurely, at about 4 to 6 weeks not realizing that it's too high of a dose.

Sometimes, it's just the wrong med, or the wrong combination. It often takes many tries to get it right eliminating the wrong ones until you find the right one. *Remembers the horrid Trazadone hangover when they tried that one on me, that seemed to last weeks after I was taken off of it.*

My mother has suffered depression most of her life. She decides she is better every now and then and takes herself off of her medication. She usually has a break when she's off. She gets really violent, she's tried to commit suicide, she's been institutionalized, we've been through a lot with her. It runs in my family.

My daughter has a load of psychological conditions. BiPolar being the most recent diagnosis. She's only 9.

Some people do not need the meds too long. I have had post-partum depression, on which I was on meds for about a year. I was diagnosed with Sudden Onset Panic Disorder and was off of the Paxil in about a year. I still have the Ativan to deal with sudden symptoms (that are now extremely rare). My mother and my daughter, on the other hand, will probably be on the meds for years to come.

It's very important that while on the meds you have the proper therapy to learn to cope with things on your own to someday evaluate whether or not you should continue on the meds. And that decision should be a joint decision between you and your doctors.

Edited November 26, 2008 by Rayne

[Msterbeau]

I'm somewhat tired right now... so this is gonna be short, but add me to the list of of people who have these issues. I probably only recognize them because of having been through enough therapy to recognize what"s healthy and what isn't inside my head. If the first 30 years of my life were hell because I was in a fog of ignorance, the past ten have been both better and worse for having been enlightened. It's only been in the past few years that the depression has made itself clear to me. I have some anxiety attacks but nothing too horrible. What I suffer from most is irrational fear. Which can paralyze me from acting on situations that really require it. Not fun. And yeah... it can be difficult to talk to others about.

So... be glad that you have the courage to speak up about it and enlist help wherever you think you can find it. A support system is very helpful but it's not the whole answer. Try everything you can think of to cope or overcome the problem. And probably be resigned to the fact that there will be days where things are bad and there might not be a thing you can do about. Hopefully you can find friends to help you through those times.

[aequorea]

man, if dgn had existed and i had been on this group when i was in high school, my life would have been ENTIRELY different.

like-minded people who have struggled with similar issues and won't think i'm a freak?

would have totally blown my mind!

[Msterbeau]

you can add me to that list to man

ive been dealing with depression to for 10 years man i undergone mental and physical abuse from my step dad from age 8 to 18 day in day out my stomach would do turns when hit hit 430pm and i knew hed be home in a half hour ad i would give myself ulcers at 9 years old trying to figure out if theres anything wrong with my room if my chores were done perfectly homework was perfect and just about nothing was wrong tht i could be held accountable for but alas at my age i had no idea i was being abused just because he was a sick asshole around age 10 i found out he was a petafile and that fucked with my syke horribly i had no idea how to grasp that i was talking to my cousin from cali one day and she wnated to see new pictures of the family so i opend the sharing folder and clicked the wrong folder and all this explict content oped up i dont need to explain for obviouse reasons but didnt know who to tel i couldnt tell my mom at that age cz i thought she would brand me a liar i dint wanna call the cops because i was being beaten and thought if he didnt get in trouble id surly die around age 13 i was still being beaten regularly i was stil to scared to tell anyone i knew i had the same lame excuses you see in the movie i fell of my bike i triped goin up the stairs and fell down i fell down the stairs said they were from playing football wrestling anything i could think of to keep the family from thinking anything and the teachers quiet well i kept this secret my whole life up unil 15 when my middle brother approached me and looked rather green in the cheeks and said he wnated to show me something on the computer and i knew the look in his face it was the same i had when i first sen it to i relaized what he just found i told him i seen that many years ago and still dont know what to do by that time frank (my step dad) began to abuse him as well...well it only got worse from there frank found a program that enabled him to hack our screenameaccounts IE AIM Yahoo MSN ext ext and me and andrew began to get angry IM's from freinds asking why we were being so perverted to them turned out frank had the balls to pretend to be me and talk filthy to my freinds and my little brothers friends in a chance to get them to send inapropriate pic's of themselves after my brother confided in his freinds they understood and said it was sad and felt compassion for him me on the other hand was blackballed i was in highschool evryone remembers how cruel high school can be i was out casted which i gladly accepted for some reason i took joy in solitude it gave me piece of mind around age 18 after a fight and he brokemy nose it was the finial straw and i actually broke down that night in my room sitting in the dark on the floor in the fetul postition holding myself just praying to god he would let me go to sleep andi wouldnt wake up becuase i couldnt take another moment of my life when i woke up the next day my freind rob called me one of the few that i had and asked me why i had been so distant hen i confided in him what i had told you now he took me to the plice station the cops issued a warent got the computers and found nothing evidetnly frank had nuked the hard drive he was off the hook and i looked like a fool rob had of course seen the evidence and was shocked as i was 3 years went by of being socialy outcasted by the family aside fro my mother and half brother then one beautiful day the day before my 21st birthday frank said he was going to a poker party and i was headed out with freinds to go bar hoping at 12am he didnt come back the next day on my birthday ten the next day when the channle 4 news came on this past year if any of you had seen it that 27 men were arrested in a sex sting he was one of those men he is now sitting in pugsley state pen for a year he desrves more if you ask me after that my mother filed for a divorce during that time he had the house forclosed on and our car repossesed so even in jail the son bitch fucked us...but hes out of our lives now and iam trying to start a new as well i still have depression and the mental abuse still lingers horribly i find it hard to deal with basic things like making new friends i always think iam being judged by everyone i come into contact with my worst case as some know that are good friends that i confide to is women after 10 years of being beaten down by a man who pretty much said you are worthless ugly and unlovable it gets ingrained into your mind so bad that you truly belive it so i find it so dificult to even find a g/f becuase i feel that way but i dont know iam sure in time i will get over it i hope i get over it.... but i just wanted to express my life experince as you did yours Boz your a very brave person and have a lot of courage to post that on here so just wanted to share with you let you know your not alone with depression

Dude. Wow. What a horrible thing for you as a child to have to go through. :-(

I second Victoria's words.

My advice, if you don't mind me giving it, is to forget women for a while. Heal yourself. Take time the time and make the effort to get back your self esteem and dignity first. You can't fix problems in a relationship without making more problems.

[Rev.Reverence]

Schizo-Affected-Bi-polar-ADHD-Implosive-Disorder

(Though I more fit the OLD "ManicDepresion" better that the NEW "bi-polar"

I can be manic about being depressed, or depressed that I'm manic...OR, option "c" )

I HAZ NO FURTHER COMMENT AT THE PRESENT TIME.

[Jinonfire]

Eleven- my sketching is all I have ever had and the several books I have filled are priceless to me. If I was dying I wouldnt trade them for the cure. Most are on my myspace page under themanonfire if you care to look, they are old but I havnt had time to scan the new ones but they are worth waiting for.

Taystee- yes my symptoms can be severe at times and I have also suffered my whole life except that when I had attacks and I was around 9 or 10 I didnt know what was going on I was just scared. I wasnt actually diagnosed until I was 22 (25 now) and by that time I had dealt with it on my own for so long it was simply seconed nature for me to just buck up and suffer. As for a support network , you are watching me build it.

Jynxx-its ok there is no wrong way to respond, as with your method of control I actually used to and still do practice almost the same thing except When Im having the attacks I will go look at myself in the mirror look straight into my own eyes and tell myself that Im not afraid to die, I am not afraid of life I am healthy and there is nothing physically wrong with me, what Im scared of is absolutly nothing or I may recite the famous lines from the movie dune and if anyone has watched it you know what that mantra is

Aequorea- The paxil did quite a number on me too as I also had the sexual dysfunction(try explaining that to a gf)

and horrible vertigo, Im hoping that one day I will find something that works but for now its no pills for me , I just cant be a zombie again that was too horrible for words, maybe one day it will happen and thats part of what keeps me going, and the death thing I was there as well still am sometimes but its gotten clearer to me that it was not the route to go I would hurt to many people by doing that and betray myself at the same time.

Gimp- A body can be beaten but a soul can persevere and no one can ever touch your soul without you letting them, it is yours alone, unless given away to someone such as falling in love or sacrificing your life in order to save another. Its sad when the signs are right in front of someones face but they still wont believe you. Ive been there when they would say I was just scared or I must have had a bad dream no one would believe me that something was wrong and I eventually fooled myself into thinking the same, it was one of the worst mistakes I had ever made. You are a brave man and dont ever fool yourself into thinking otherwise, He didnt get what he deserved I think he deserves his life ripped apart as was done by him to many others. The world is not a fair place some know this better than others

This was hard to do, but I took a chance and figured this was the right place to take the leap. It was just too hard to keep to myself anymore. It seems I may have started something here and all I can hope is something good comes out of it for someone. gotta sleep now off work at six and back on at 8.

[TheGimp]

yea iam a bit at a loss for words i feel touched by everyones kind words i appreciate them very much and i second what aequorea said if had known about this site when i was in high school i think life wold have been slightly easyer...

[TheGimp]

id also like to see some of your drawings some time boz

[Scales]

I've been through social anxiety for a long time, the depression snuck up on me and really hit me hard in high school and from there on out.

My dad used to have anger problems but was mainly verbally abusive, he's toned down now and I don't talk to him beyond short formalities; seeing him is like seeing a stranger in the street, there is no connection and in his case there won't ever be one.. it's definitely strange, but this has been the best way to remind him not to make the same mistake with my siblings and there's no undoing it now.

In the past couple of years I've went through a lot of hell. I was almost completely immobilized by depression. I had a romantic interest that didn't work out and left me a wreck which led to having more nervous breakdowns then I can count, usually nightly. I cut hundreds of times, and ultimately gave it up because my mental pain outweighed the endorphins my brain could produce. I've been close to suicide and institutionalizing myself, I know what that brand of hopelessness is like. I've been through two anti-depressants just this year alone, the generic for Paxil and Wellbutrin, as well as Paxil withdrawal.

Overall, all of these things have made me a stronger, more-collected person. I'm not perfect and I'm not ever out of the thick of negativity permanently. Though I think as time goes the more I've grown stronger and more self-actualized.

If you still think you need it, I wish you luck on whatever route you decide to take getting help.

Edited November 27, 2008 by Scales

[eleven]

I just wanted to drop another line in here...

I will get back to this post and post my great times growing up :(

[Jinonfire]

of course gimp I just uploaded some new ones this morning. dgn exclusive before i put them on myspace my profile is "the man on fire" there is a good bit of my older sketches there.

[TitsMcGee]

I was diagnosed with manic depression and borderline personality disorder when I was 12. I've been on medication since. It's tough but, you just learn to deal.

[Jinonfire]

I was diagnosed with manic depression and borderline personality disorder when I was 12. I've been on medication since. It's tough but, you just learn to deal.

Yes you do , we all have the choice to succeed or fail in life.

[torn asunder]

Yes you do , we all have the choice to succeed or fail in life.

sometimes, you have no say in the choice... at least, it seems that way, at times...

[Jinonfire]

sometimes, you have no say in the choice... at least, it seems that way, at times...

It does sometimes, but you always do have a choice it may just not be the choice you were thinking of.

[Eevee]

Wow...to everyone on here who has posted about their depression and anxiety, I'm sorry that you have to go through all that, especially when abandonment comes into the picture as well. I'm generally terrible with coming up with this to say about this sort of thing...at least over the internet. So I'm not sure what else to say.

As for me...

I don't have too much. I got diagnosed with an anxiety order last spring.

A couple springs ago, after Easter, I had gotten a really funny feeling in my stomach. I ended up getting sick. I just thought it was one of those things that would pass...so I would stay home from school and all that jazz. But it didn't stop.

I stopped eating, for the most part.

I actually became somewhat like a hermit. I would stay home all the time and when I got home from school, I would immediately change into my pajamas (I habit I still somewhat have). I wouldn't go out with my friends until nearly summertime and even then it was mostly with a specific group and no one else.

I was extremely cautious of getting sick again. It freaked me out.

I started noticing that when I'd get sick like that...I'd feel like I was going insane. I would lose my breath and freak out to the point where I'd be balling my eyes out and unable to breathe...for no real reason. Just fear, I guess.

During all of this, I had seen my doctor and he was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with my body. He was coming up short, basically. So he put me on some pills to help my digest food (Belladonna...I'm still on it). And told me to wait it out.

The episodes kinda died down...though my stomach would still hurt and cramp up at times. In August I had another full blown attack. I retreated into myself again and stayed home for the rest of the summer.

Finally, last fall, my doctor put me on a low-dosage of anti-depression medication after he found out I was getting stressed out. He also told me I may have high fructose malabsorption so I have to watch what foods and fruits I eat...especially things with high fructose corn syrup (fuck those commercials that say you can have it "in moderation").

I started feeling better, aside from the random freak out that happened maybe once a month.

I went to see a psychiatrist last spring.

She gave me a workbook to read called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne. It basically tells you what anxiety is and about different kinds of it and then how to be able to notice a panic attack and to be able to control it.

My doctor also moved me onto a new medication that was much safer and was meant for people with anxiety (Buspar) so I'm on that now.

Now I am better...though I still have anxiety attacks on occasion.

Eleven knows that I like to tell people that I'm going to be hanging out with that I have an anxiety disorder because I don't want to get some place, feel suddenly uncomfortable or out of my element, and then get sick and find out that the fact that I need to leave totally pissed the person I came with off.

...I think I typed that right.

Anyways...I think that's basically it.

And I'm wondering if my anxiety is linked back to my childhood because I was a very emotional and clingy child, especially to my mother. Hmm.

[freydis]

Most of my heaviest anxiety and depression was between 10-14 years old. All i can say about that is kids can be really, really shitty.

Other than that, i've had my own moments, but nothing like what some of you have gone through. However, the most important thing you guys need to know is that you're not alone, and there are indeed people who care. I've lost family members to depression, and one of my very best friends battles Bi-Polar disorder daily. Actually, come to think of it, two of my best friends. :/ Hang in there.