Need help!

[thewhiterecluse]

So I met this girl at EMU and we've kicked it off really well. Everything seems to be going quite well. The only thing is there's an obsticle. She lives with her aunt and uncle who seem to have complete control over who and when she can go out with someone, mostly her aunt. I understand she is a girl and that it's "not safe" but what the heck? I am suppose to wait for when her aunt feels like she is ready for her to go out as friends with me? At the same time her aunt wants me to meet her son before I go out with her who happens to be some kind of macho bouncer at Club Millenium in Ann Arbor. What, so I can be intimidated and not to do anything wrong? I think thats kind of dumb I have to be judge and appraised when it doesn't effect her aunt and I haven't done anything wrong. Besides how am I going to interact with her son when he has a job to do? I mean this girl is wonderful and we've hung out outside of campus, yet I still have to be put up to the test? I think its rubbish and I don't like being stereotyped. She also said "Well it sounds like too good to be true to me.". What the heck, who's to judge how two people feel about each other? I'm automatically the bad guy, rrrriiiiggghhhttt? Puh, old people they don't understand anything anymore! Seriously it's time for our generation to be running the businesses, congress, schools, and get a fan and blow away all these old farts. I mean she's not even her daughter and she is a conscenting adult, she's 21 years old. At the same time she relies on her aunt and uncle to get around because she doesn't have a car. I think it's kind of ridiculous though because to me it feels like a mechanism to have control over her. Like LITERLY she has to ask her aunt if its ok to hang out with me after class. I think it's retarded, especially since I can drive, can pick her up, and drop her off which wouldn't make it an unconvience. Eh, I'll give it a week, if her aunt isn't ready then I'm moving on. She needs to step up, be a woman, and grab her life by the horns and not let someone else.

[LadyKay]

I don't think I can help you but I may be able to give you some insight. This girl may not have any other place to live and is being forced to live by the rules of her aunt because she is living under their house. It maybe that if she does not follow their rules they might kick her out on the street. I don't know. But I did have to live a year with my in laws and I know how it can be to have to live under someone else's house and follow their rules even though you are an adult.

[Onyx]

If they are paying her bills then I can see why she is doing what they say (especially since she doesn't seem to be supporting herself yet and doesn't even have her own car).

[Reaper]

yep, its going to happen almost every time with relatives. They want to see respect paid back if they are going to go so far to support someone.

[Rev.Reverence]

..if you want her...you MUST jump through the hoops...

.....if you do so properly...it will be a WIN for ALL of us frieks...a small one...but they ALL are small ones...

[Simon Bar Sinister]

Whatever happened to guys being willing to traverse an alligator-filled moat to be with the object of their affection?

[Rev.Reverence]

Whatever happened to guys being willing to traverse an alligator-filled moat to be with the object of their affection?

For instance...SOME peoples have to join a Religious Sect just for Love...

[Homicidalheathen]

21 yah they need to lighten up but if she has a decent place to stay what are you to do...until you can afford your own

Maybe if they got to know you it would help

[Der Nister]

Whatever happened to guys being willing to traverse an alligator-filled moat to be with the object of their affection?

[e-jewell]

If you're that crazy about her, have her move in with you and YOU support her every need and whim! =D

She probably had issues in the past with drugs or something, hence her lack of improvement in life. No car, living with her aunt and uncle.... yeah, something happened to halt her progress. They probably just want to make sure she doesn't get involved with the wrong people again. After all those long, expensive months in rehab they can't take anymore abuse from this rocket of a girl.

If it wasn't drugs it was homicide. She killed someone, and now her family wants to make sure she meets a nice jewish boy to tame her wild ways.

[TygerLili]

If they are paying her bills then I can see why she is doing what they say (especially since she doesn't seem to be supporting herself yet and doesn't even have her own car).

Yup. If she isn't paying rent to live with them, she should be saving up for her own car. If she is paying rent, then she should take that money and find some roommates. You can't expect to have someone else support you, and not have to abide by their rules. I'd be wary of anyone over the age of 20 who isn't making at least some effort to support themself.

[Head Wreck]

i'm trying to figure out the way to break it to my folks about this crazy yank lady

[Der Nister]

If you're that crazy about her, have her move in with you and YOU support her every need and whim! =D

Disregard this bit 'o information. Take it from someone who dunnit already.

[jynxxxedangel]

How about I come into harbour with all guns blazing, and the entire crew on deck?

That should make an impression.

As Rev says, dude..

Be prepared to jump through hoops, and fight bosses.

[thewhiterecluse]

Thanks you all have been really helpful! Ugh, the substance use is an issue and I can see it today because she's not acting like herself towards me after getting stoned. She said it doesn't affect her like that, but it does. I'm pretty much past that point in my life with smoking weed. On a rare occasion I'll do it, but I don't neccesarily "need" to get high. But she's in pain right now and it helps her so I understand. It just makes people distant towards others unless they are in the whole circle of people who smoke weed. I'm not very found of elites and people who form their own little circles, especially over that, I find it shallow and childish. I noticed that alot when I lost so called "friends" over weed because I didn't get high anymore on a daily basis. I have to much going on in my life to be worrying about, who has weed, and "having to get high". We'll see if she's all that she is cracked out to be. If not oh well, there's plenty of other women.

That's one of the reasons I'm not rushing the sex is because I want the understanding first of needs and the balance of give and take. I don't like rushing sex either because its simply dangerous, especially before a 6 month check up. Alot of symptoms don't show up for stds and hiv before 6 months. I mean, yes, always use a condom but still. It's just a scary thought.

Also, I don't want to sound mean but it kind of makes me nervous that she has told me that she loves me already. I mean what do I say back? I love you to? I don't want to hurt the poor girl's feelings but at the same time I don't know if she really understands that love is a gradual thing and works as a process. Oh well, just got to go out and keep making friends and find something closer to what I want and need. It seemed cool at first and I really like her but the substance abuse, lack of being able to make her own decisions, and the whole falling in love out of nowhere has to have something done about it. If she gets high thats fine but, within reason, and not letting it change her personality or priorities. She should speak up though about how she feels to her aunt and explain that we are just going to go out as friends. Then not try and rush into love and use the words when the time is right and the full understanding and bonds have been made.

[LadyKay]

Be careful. She could be seeing you as a way out of her aunt's house and her rules and a free ride with you. I've seen it happen before with people. It's not love they want. They want someone to pay their way. I do not know if this is the case or not since I do not know this person. I can only go on my past experience. Just step slowly.

[taysteewonderbunny]

Thanks you all have been really helpful! Ugh, the substance use is an issue and I can see it today because she's not acting like herself towards me after getting stoned. She said it doesn't affect her like that, but it does. I'm pretty much past that point in my life with smoking weed. On a rare occasion I'll do it, but I don't neccesarily "need" to get high. But she's in pain right now and it helps her so I understand. It just makes people distant towards others unless they are in the whole circle of people who smoke weed. I'm not very found of elites and people who form their own little circles, especially over that, I find it shallow and childish. I noticed that alot when I lost so called "friends" over weed because I didn't get high anymore on a daily basis. I have to much going on in my life to be worrying about, who has weed, and "having to get high". We'll see if she's all that she is cracked out to be. If not oh well, there's plenty of other women.

That's one of the reasons I'm not rushing the sex is because I want the understanding first of needs and the balance of give and take. I don't like rushing sex either because its simply dangerous, especially before a 6 month check up. Alot of symptoms don't show up for stds and hiv before 6 months. I mean, yes, always use a condom but still. It's just a scary thought.

Also, I don't want to sound mean but it kind of makes me nervous that she has told me that she loves me already. I mean what do I say back? I love you to? I don't want to hurt the poor girl's feelings but at the same time I don't know if she really understands that love is a gradual thing and works as a process. Oh well, just got to go out and keep making friends and find something closer to what I want and need. It seemed cool at first and I really like her but the substance abuse, lack of being able to make her own decisions, and the whole falling in love out of nowhere has to have something done about it. If she gets high thats fine but, within reason, and not letting it change her personality or priorities. She should speak up though about how she feels to her aunt and explain that we are just going to go out as friends. Then not try and rush into love and use the words when the time is right and the full understanding and bonds have been made.

Sorry. This girl sounds like a train wreck to me. Not trying to be harsh.

[Rev.Reverence]

Also, I don't want to sound mean but it kind of makes me nervous that she has told me that she loves me already. I mean what do I say back? I love you to? I don't want to hurt the poor girl's feelings but at the same time I don't know if she really understands that love is a gradual thing and works as a process.

...NEVER...EVER...EVER-NEVER-EVER-NEVER-NEVER-NEV-ERRRRR...

..say "I Love you too." if you do not mean it truly..

Therein lies only pain...for all....in one form or another...

I'm pretty sure that you knew that already...but I just had to state it for the group here...there are kidds who never heard that saying before I'm sure...

FOR YOU.....

..some peoples fall in love....

...some peoples wade into it...

[e-jewell]

Thanks you all have been really helpful! Ugh, the substance use is an issue and I can see it today because she's not acting like herself towards me after getting stoned. She said it doesn't affect her like that, but it does. I'm pretty much past that point in my life with smoking weed. On a rare occasion I'll do it, but I don't neccesarily "need" to get high. But she's in pain right now and it helps her so I understand. It just makes people distant towards others unless they are in the whole circle of people who smoke weed. I'm not very found of elites and people who form their own little circles, especially over that, I find it shallow and childish. I noticed that alot when I lost so called "friends" over weed because I didn't get high anymore on a daily basis. I have to much going on in my life to be worrying about, who has weed, and "having to get high". We'll see if she's all that she is cracked out to be. If not oh well, there's plenty of other women.

That's one of the reasons I'm not rushing the sex is because I want the understanding first of needs and the balance of give and take. I don't like rushing sex either because its simply dangerous, especially before a 6 month check up. Alot of symptoms don't show up for stds and hiv before 6 months. I mean, yes, always use a condom but still. It's just a scary thought.

Also, I don't want to sound mean but it kind of makes me nervous that she has told me that she loves me already. I mean what do I say back? I love you to? I don't want to hurt the poor girl's feelings but at the same time I don't know if she really understands that love is a gradual thing and works as a process. Oh well, just got to go out and keep making friends and find something closer to what I want and need. It seemed cool at first and I really like her but the substance abuse, lack of being able to make her own decisions, and the whole falling in love out of nowhere has to have something done about it. If she gets high thats fine but, within reason, and not letting it change her personality or priorities. She should speak up though about how she feels to her aunt and explain that we are just going to go out as friends. Then not try and rush into love and use the words when the time is right and the full understanding and bonds have been made.

Wow... I rarely see weed affect people like that. I smoke almost every day myself but I have a job, a car I pay for on my own, and go to school most of the time. PLUS bought this laptop with my own money. She probably does other drugs too.

And I agree with the free-ride theory. She's probably seduced men before by telling them she loved them, moved out, leeched for a bit. Then she got in one little fight and her heart got scared, and said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in bel aire." She called for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything she could say that this cat was rare but she thought "nah, forget it.... yo holmes! to bel aire!"

She might be will smith, dude. I'd be careful.

[thewhiterecluse]

...NEVER...EVER...EVER-NEVER-EVER-NEVER-NEVER-NEV-ERRRRR...

..say "I Love you too." if you do not mean it truly..

Therein lies only pain...for all....in one form or another...

I'm pretty sure that you knew that already...but I just had to state it for the group here...there are kidds who never heard that saying before I'm sure...

FOR YOU.....

..some peoples fall in love....

...some peoples wade into it...

I completely agree with that, aaahheemm.

[thewhiterecluse]

Wow... I rarely see weed affect people like that. I smoke almost every day myself but I have a job, a car I pay for on my own, and go to school most of the time. PLUS bought this laptop with my own money. She probably does other drugs too.

And I agree with the free-ride theory. She's probably seduced men before by telling them she loved them, moved out, leeched for a bit, then went back to auntie and uncle.

I don't think she's trying to do that. She knows she needs a job and has been applying at different places. Heck I need a better job my job sucks the bottom of a nut sack. She needs love but I don't think she knows how to go about it and what to do. She's never been truely loved in a relationship and the boyfriends always treated her like a friend and nothing more. She was never really held or listened to or taken into consideration, people who claimed to love her were just like "whatever" to her most her life. I think she knows what she wants but at the same time is trying to be aware of signs which might make her aunt's influence more effective on going out with me. I'm harmless though! The worst I could do to a girl is love her to death haha not really but I can be overly affectionate at times. I guess that's my curse by being a romantic. I need alot of affection and love because, just like her, I've been in alot of shitty relationships and have been hurt. I like to keep that childlike playfulness and innocent sweetness that couples have forgotten over the years. You know, like when you had a boyfriend or girlfriend that was a bestfriend before you started going out and you could tell each other everything. Like that movie My Girl (hahaha I know kind of lame and a bad exampe) but you know what I mean. Like someone who you've grown into and thats why it scares me rushing things with someone because we hadn't gone through that. But at the same time I know you can't use the phrase "I love you" until the time comes right and rushing it tends to hurt people.

[TitsMcGee]

Frankly to me it sounds like she's not all that "grown up" yet. Maybe the shit from the aunt and uncle is a blessing because if she's already saying she loves you, she doesn't understand love. Run away is my opinion.

[thewhiterecluse]

Frankly to me it sounds like she's not all that "grown up" yet. Maybe the shit from the aunt and uncle is a blessing because if she's already saying she loves you, she doesn't understand love. Run away is my opinion.

I don't know, they did mention something to her about me being in for a "ride" which kind of makes me anxious. They said it to her in a joking manner and she told me, eek I don't know though! Maybe they were just being nice and trying to make a joke? I'm sick of being nervous about a girl. I'll just stop showing signs of feelings until the time is right. But she used to live with her ex fiance in Philidelphia and had a job. He was abusive so they broke up and she moved back home. Her parents are crazy and abusive so she went to live with her aunt and uncle.

[creatureofthenyte]

21 yrs old, no job, no car, living with relatives, drug problem...

How many more red flags do you need to see ??

Unfortunately, I speak from a brief experience I had....

When I say to you...

RUN!

I think she is saying she loves you, so early on, as a means to emotionally manipulate you into getting her out of her situation she's in now.

It sounds like she's just trying to use you as a way out. Don't let yourself get used.

Being with someone who has all those red flags goin on, just for the sake of having someone to be with, is NOT worth it, and will eventually bring you ALOT more grief then joy.

Find someone who is more responsible, drug free, and who has their life together.

[thewhiterecluse]

21 yrs old, no job, no car, living with relatives, drug problem...

How many more red flags do you need to see ??

Unfortunately, I speak from a brief experience I had....

When I say to you...

RUN!

I think she is saying she loves you, so early on, as a means to emotionally manipulate you into getting her out of her situation she's in now.

It sounds like she's just trying to use you as a way out. Don't let yourself get used.

Being with someone who has all those red flags goin on, just for the sake of having someone to be with, is NOT worth it, and will eventually bring you ALOT more grief then joy.

Find someone who is more responsible, drug free, and who has their life together.

But, but... It doesn't have to be that way. I'll give her a chance. If she doesn't hurt me then I will continue to help her and trust she's trying to get her life together. She does work with her aunt though. Her aunt runs an at home day care and she doesn't just sit around she does stuff. She's just kind of trapped and needs someone to just love her and encourage her. Its okay for me to be the strong one who helps her. If she tries to hurt me then I'll leave her. The drug use could be a problem. She knows she has to work if she wants to move out of there and they charge her rent to. She's just went through alot of hell these past few months and is trying to get it back all together. She was engaged and had a job with the guy she lived with in Philidelphia. He was just psycho and abused her and she was trapped and she never wants to be trapped with someone like that again.