how much is too much?

[EvilEve]

how much is one person suppose to take on a day-to-day basis? i'm in a situation here where i don't want to get out of because i promised that i'd help with this problem as much as i can. the major problem is that i'm letting my feelings get involved when i clearly shouldn'tve.

situation: a really good friend of mine is with a girl he really has no interest in, but is mainly sticking around to take care of his child. (he gets 10pts. for that in my book. most guys now and days, won't stick around at all!!!) so he's asked me to come out to said girl's house to help him take care of the kid, and to help her get her motherly instincts into high gear.

problem: we both have very strong feelings for each other. really strong. can't display anything around each other because the girl doesn't know, so we're 'acting' the best we can. he kinda wants to leave and be with me, but i won't let him because of his obligations as a parent. the girl's suffering from postpartum depression, and i personally am afraid of what will happen to this poor little girl if she's left alone with her mother for more than a few hours.

i can't leave because the little girl's already got a hold of my heart strings. aside from her dad, i'm the only other person that can calm her down when she's crying. the mother wants nothing to do with her when she's crying.

i'm not asking for help, i'm not asking for advice. i needed a place to vent because no one else knows what the hell i've got locked up inside my head here. i can't talk to anyone about this because i know exactly what they'll say (played out this situation too many times in my head.) i know what i should do, i know what i can do, but i don't want to jeopardize his chances of seeing his daughter.

has anyone else been in this kind of situation before? or is it a first time to hear it/even think about it?

[taysteewonderbunny]

can't say I have. You've said you don't want advice, will you accept: :grouphug ?

[EvilEve]

hugs are always welcomed! if someone gives advice, i'm not going to turn it away, i just kinda expect what's coming.

[jynxxxedangel]

If the mother of his child is mentally unstable, can't he try and get physical custody (if only temporarily, until she has been treated for her postpartum)?

[Rev.Reverence]

*turns on the shop fan to get some air in here to help you vent*

[EvilEve]

i've mentioned it to him to look into it, but i'm not sure if he has. maybe he's hoping she'll just "snap out of it." apparently, she does fine when i'm here. when i'm not, she needs more peer pressure to take care of her child. i don't get it.

[Rev.Reverence]

i've mentioned it to him to look into it, but i'm not sure if he has. maybe he's hoping she'll just "snap out of it." apparently, she does fine when i'm here. when i'm not, she needs more peer pressure to take care of her child. i don't get it.

...move in...do them both...

[TomCat]

i've mentioned it to him to look into it, but i'm not sure if he has. maybe he's hoping she'll just "snap out of it." apparently, she does fine when i'm here. when i'm not, she needs more peer pressure to take care of her child. i don't get it.

She probably "behaves better" to "show off/put on a good front/etc" when you are around (a territorial womanly thing)and if that's the case, is indicative of deeper issues. Which I'm sure that you both have a pretty good idea as to what they are. I'd try a diplomatic approach to encourage her "nuturing side." If that fails, I'd have him go full court press to get custody.

[Simon Bar Sinister]

Are there no community services available for the mom as far as tratement for p-pd goes? That shit ain't no joke, and the baby could end up in danger.

[EvilEve]

She probably "behaves better" to "show off/put on a good front/etc" when you are around (a territorial womanly thing)and if that's the case, is indicative of deeper issues. Which I'm sure that you both have a pretty good idea as to what they are. I'd try a diplomatic approach to encourage her "nuturing side." If that fails, I'd have him go full court press to get custody.

i really think that's the case. she seems caught up in the 'idea' of "playing house"; holding baby, cuddling w/ dad, etc., but when it comes right down to it, seems like she's more interested in being with my friend (which, i'll add again, he doesn't want to be with her) rather than being a mother to her child. one of my favorite quotes from my all time favorite movie; "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children." i don't know how to get the point across to her.

[EvilEve]

Are there no community services available for the mom as far as tratement for p-pd goes? That shit ain't no joke, and the baby could end up in danger.

not even sure if she'd go. might deny the entire thing until it's too late. :( she's such a precious little girl. her mother calls her "mommy's little terror." the child's only 3wks old, how much of a fucking terror can she be?!!? >:(

[Simon Bar Sinister]

Lil' girl's dad better step up.

[TomCat]

i really think that's the case. she seems caught up in the 'idea' of "playing house"; holding baby, cuddling w/ dad, etc., but when it comes right down to it, seems like she's more interested in being with my friend (which, i'll add again, he doesn't want to be with her) rather than being a mother to her child. one of my favorite quotes from my all time favorite movie; "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children." i don't know how to get the point across to her.

Yeah, I've seen that kind of behavior before. It's fairly transparent.

[EvilEve]

don't get me wrong, i'm not mad that i'm in this situation, i just wish that i could be a bigger influence in this little girl's life, and help her mother stop being such a withdrawn (fill in blank)!!! he's wondering what kind of legal actions he can take. he doesn't want her around the mother anymore than i do. he's even made comments to me that i'm a better mother to her than her own mother, and i didn't even give birth to this little bundle. granted, you need not be a biological mother/father to give that kind of love.

[Msterbeau]

A couple things. Like it or not, the child has to be the highest priority out of all of you. She is the one most vulnerable to harm at this point. Give mom a little more time and an increasingly firm hand. This should ideally come from the father when you are not there. He needs to step up to his responsibilities. If she continues dinking around and shirking HER responsibilities, then he has to do what needs doing to ensure that his daughter is being cared for. The next thing to deal with is the father and the mother's relationship. Being there for the child is admirable but will only cause problems sooner or later. Children eventually pick up on that vibe and it teaches them that unhappiness is OK for some greater good. It really isn't. Both parents need to be happy and both need to want to be in the relationship. That's clearly not the case. Lastly.. there's you. My advice is to help all you can, particularly with the child.... but don't get openly involved until the other situations are dealt with and stabilized. Even then, the mother could come back and cause problems if she thinks you guys plotted all this. I would make sure that when he talks with her about splitting... that he makes it clear that it's in both their best interests to put emotions aside and do what's in the best interests of their child first.

[Msterbeau]

don't get me wrong, i'm not mad that i'm in this situation, i just wish that i could be a bigger influence in this little girl's life, and help her mother stop being such a withdrawn (fill in blank)!!! he's wondering what kind of legal actions he can take. he doesn't want her around the mother anymore than i do. he's even made comments to me that i'm a better mother to her than her own mother, and i didn't even give birth to this little bundle. granted, you need not be a biological mother/father to give that kind of love.

Whether she's good at it now or not... she can change. It's her child and she should be given every opportunity to participate in her child's life.

[StormKnight (1)]

i've mentioned it to him to look into it, but i'm not sure if he has. maybe he's hoping she'll just "snap out of it." apparently, she does fine when i'm here. when i'm not, she needs more peer pressure to take care of her child. i don't get it.

There are some chances that she may not "just snap out of it." Postpartum depression can be much more of a chronic thing. If it has been going on for a 3 months or so, it has become chronic. Also, the child can be in significant risk. I have seen the results, and they are not pretty.

A couple things. Like it or not, the child has to be the highest priority out of all of you. She is the one most vulnerable to harm at this point. Give mom a little more time and an increasingly firm hand. This should ideally come from the father when you are not there. He needs to step up to his responsibilities. If she continues dinking around and shirking HER responsibilities, then he has to do what needs doing to ensure that his daughter is being cared for. The next thing to deal with is the father and the mother's relationship. Being there for the child is admirable but will only cause problems sooner or later. Children eventually pick up on that vibe and it teaches them that unhappiness is OK for some greater good. It really isn't. Both parents need to be happy and both need to want to be in the relationship. That's clearly not the case. Lastly.. there's you. My advice is to help all you can, particularly with the child.... but don't get openly involved until the other situations are dealt with and stabilized. Even then, the mother could come back and cause problems if she thinks you guys plotted all this. I would make sure that when he talks with her about splitting... that he makes it clear that it's in both their best interests to put emotions aside and do what's in the best interests of their child first.

+1

[taysteewonderbunny]

Granted, there were other factors so influencing me, but I second what everyone has said regarding post partum depression. I was never diagnosed, but I did go into a tailspin after my daughter was born. It was NOT something I could "snap out of."

[EvilEve]

thanks for all the helpful advise. i'll bring it up to him and have him deal with the mother as best he can. in the mean time, i'll do my civil act, and help the baby as much as humanly possible. i'll keep you all updated as far as her situation goes. leave whatever comments you want. i just really needed to get this off my chest. example: right now, mom is nursing baby and acting motherly. when i leave, who's to say.

[TitsMcGee]

I offer hugs

[EvilEve]

hugs are always accepted!!

[taysteewonderbunny]

More hugs, then!

[Msterbeau]

More hugs, then!

*Thieves*

[taysteewonderbunny]

*Thieves*

Aw, there's more than enough to go around!

[TygerLili]

Staying with her out of obligation when he doesn't really want to be with her isn't going to help with the depression. If she picks up on that it'll probably just make things worse.

I'm sorry that you are in the middle of this situation, and bless you for trying to do what's right for the baby. I'm gonna keep the rest of my comments to myself, as you said that you don't want advice.