I don't understand this woman

[thewhiterecluse]

So I made a new friend who really like me a whole lot. We talk like ALL the time. I've helped her through the mess with her ex and have been helping her become a stronger person. Well she says she doesn't want a relationship but its obvious she really likes me and wants to be around me. We go out every weekend to the movies and she comes over. Well she wants me to move closer to her. I don't understand, but she doesn't want a relationship with me? She acts like she really cares about me then become cold and distant, or whenever I try to get bring up a deep conversation she says something in the middle of it, like boobs or something goofy. Yet it feels like even in the friendship, as usual with most of my friends, I am doing more of the work. I don't know what to do or say and if its contributing to too much stress should I just blow her off and forget about everything? I mean I have had to do alot of things I don't approve of to make her happy. Its starting to seem like its too much work and that it will keep being give and give in order for her to be happy and not receive anything in return. I just like to be appreciate and shown that somebody cares about me if they truely do, I shouldn't have to work to be cared about. I mean its obvious when I like someone and care about them, I pay attension, respond in a helpful way, say nice things to them, make them feel good about themselves, and be considerate of them. Yet alot of people I've dated seemed to "say they care" but don't show it, its like trying to ask them to move a boulder. I simply don't understand people, after all the hell I went through with one ex its simply easy to let go with one person if they hurt you and love another, nobody or anything is worth getting upset over and dwelling on, and least of all letting it ruin you.

[Riku Namako]

So I made a new friend who really like me a whole lot. We talk like ALL the time. I've helped her through the mess with her ex and have been helping her become a stronger person. Well she says she doesn't want a relationship but its obvious she really likes me and wants to be around me. We go out every weekend to the movies and she comes over. Well she wants me to move closer to her. I don't understand, but she doesn't want a relationship with me? She acts like she really cares about me then become cold and distant, or whenever I try to get bring up a deep conversation she says something in the middle of it, like boobs or something goofy. Yet it feels like even in the friendship, as usual with most of my friends, I am doing more of the work. I don't know what to do or say and if its contributing to too much stress should I just blow her off and forget about everything? I mean I have had to do alot of things I don't approve of to make her happy. Its starting to seem like its too much work and that it will keep being give and give in order for her to be happy and not receive anything in return. I just like to be appreciate and shown that somebody cares about me if they truely do, I shouldn't have to work to be cared about. I mean its obvious when I like someone and care about them, I pay attension, respond in a helpful way, say nice things to them, make them feel good about themselves, and be considerate of them. Yet alot of people I've dated seemed to "say they care" but don't show it, its like trying to ask them to move a boulder. I simply don't understand people, after all the hell I went through with one ex its simply easy to let go with one person if they hurt you and love another, nobody or anything is worth getting upset over and dwelling on, and least of all letting it ruin you.

*points to the parts highlighted above*

you have just entered into what I like to refer to as "the gay best friend zone"

exhibit a: you helped her get over an ex with whom she had a bad relationship with and helped her become a better person. I don't really think thats the case. she was probably just lookin for an excuse and used you to get away from him.

exhibit b: you bring up getting serious with her, and she makes jokes or blows you off in favor of something else. Well, I already highlighted the answer for you, its the last line that you basically said yourself.

Give up and move on, cuz it ain't worth the trouble. She's going to keep wasting your time until she finds someone she really likes.

Do yourself a big favor, and save yourself the trouble.

[Homicidalheathen]

sounds like your getting used.

so...yah.

[Homicidalheathen]

I mean I have had to do alot of things I don't approve of to make her happy. Its starting to seem like its too much work and that it will keep being give and give in order for her to be happy and not receive anything in return. I just like to

and might I add...in my 44 yrs of wisdom...

anytime you stop being true to yourself...now we all hold different moral values close to our hearts...by age say 24 we have figured out how we tick. If your doing that....your messing with a demon. so to speak.

thats like selling your soul. I am all for change, and growth...and evolution...but...thats fucked up.

[Rev.Reverence]

+1 to first 2 posts...

...I would recommend telling her to move closer to you..so you guys can hang out more!

(find a reason you can not move..make it more important than any reasons she could come up with..you're a smart boy.)

[Simon Bar Sinister]

In the immortal words of Dan Savage, Dump The Motherfucker Already!

[candyman]

The phrase "I don't understand this woman" has been said by every single man in history...the fact is that you will never understand "this" woman...ever...even "god" is kicking himself in the head right now, or if you belive in evolution you could say that...I won't even go there for the sake of keeping my head as part of my body...

[TygerLili]

People here sure are quick to write off someone that they don't know, whose side of the story they've never heard.

I mean I have had to do alot of things I don't approve of to make her happy.

Not sure what you mean by this, but if you don't approve of something, then you shouldn't so it. Period. It's also weird that she asked you to move closer to her, but don't do it.

I agree, it sounds like she just sees you as a friend. So treat her like a friend. Start hanging out with her less frequently than every other weekend, and let her come to you sometimes. If she actually does like you, for you, and not because you do stuff for her, then she'll come to you. If not, then you'll have more free time to meet and spend with other friends.

[Ice Queen (1)]

I mean I have had to do alot of things I don't approve of to make her happy.

People here sure are quick to write off someone that they don't know, whose side of the story they've never heard.

Not sure what you mean by this, but if you don't approve of something, then you shouldn't so it. Period.

Agreed. You should not have to do something you do not approve of to make someone else happy. A person that really cares for you, would not ask that of you.

[Rev.Reverence]

People here sure are quick to write off someone that they don't know, whose side of the story they've never heard.

Not sure what you mean by this, but if you don't approve of something, then you shouldn't so it. Period. It's also weird that she asked you to move closer to her, but don't do it.

I agree, it sounds like she just sees you as a friend. So treat her like a friend. Start hanging out with her less frequently than every other weekend, and let her come to you sometimes. If she actually does like you, for you, and not because you do stuff for her, then she'll come to you. If not, then you'll have more free time to meet and spend with other friends.

..that quote was what set the bug in my bonnet...

..& the move closer to me bit, in tandem with all the other stuff...reeks of fish.

[Der Nister]

From what you wrote it sounds like she's unable to tell you she isn't interested in you directly so she's doing it in other ways hoping you will get the message.

The fact that you spend so much time with her is more on you than her, if she realizes you like her but isn't letting things progress in that direction then she isn't really at fault for how you feel. You're old enough to decide to spend time with her or not.

It's time that you went looking for someone that will take a romantic interest in you. You can still remain friends with this woman you don't understand but the other just isn't gonna happen.

Best of luck.

[Oh_My_Goth]

You sure can pick 'em kiddo...

This is not the first time you have asked for advice about a woman w/ issues within issues...

My advice.. Learn from past experiences

[Onyx]

sounds like your getting used.

so...yah.

Exactly. It's not just women who do this either. It's been done to me and unfortunately I was too infatuated to see it until it was too obvious to ignore.

Any time you are putting more into the relationship than your partner you have to ask yourself if it's worth what you are getting out of it. In your case, doesn't really sound that way to me!

[Brenda Starrr]

Just say these 4 words:

Peace out, Girl Scout.

[CixWicked]

I disagree wholy with everyone here.

(Sorry guys).

Let me give you some of my expert council. (I'm an expert, cause I've been dumped by more women than you can shake a stick at... for more reasons).

* It sounds to me like you should be a lot more in the know about her mental state than anyone. You found her relationship so bad that she needed help, so you helped her out. Think of it this way... A woman get's mauled by a dog, you save her life... last thing you want to do is introduce her to your Pitt Bull right away. I think she needs... and deserves a little more time.

* She likes you... and jumping into a relationship too soon is the quickest way to ruin that feeling. Ever loved someone you coudln't stand? Try it... it' SUUUUUUUUCKS!!! Think MC Hammer but less painful. If you're being a friend, and being there to support her, her true feelings will surface when they are ready. If you bale now, you'll be looking across rooms at her, while she's happy with a guy who looks and acts just like you... but isn't you.

* DUDE, DON"T DO THAT!!! Don't be something your not hoping that someone will approve. Cause if they appove of who you aren't... then they'll disapprove of who you are... then you'll never get the girl... and now you have a criminal sexual conduct cha... hehe... I mean. Look... if you stand up for what you believe in, no one can fault you for it... no one intelligent anyway.

My suggestions:

1. Step away a pace or two... you know what you want, but you also know what she needs... don't be a dick by giving her an ultimatum. No one wins that way.

2. Don't stop helping. People who don't need help don't get into bad relationships... people who get out of a bad relationship but don't get help tend to get back into bad relationships. Talk to her about the relationship, help her steer clear of those bad situations. A person appreciates real interest in their lives,especially if that interest is from someone that they are interested in.

3. Don't go adding her to your sorded past of relationships (Kidding). We're all individuals, and if you can't see the difference between how she treats you and how all of your exs treat you then you may find that there's a problem with yourself that you need to fix.

Do you deserve this girl? If so then be the kind of guy that she wants to be with... sounds like you're doing a pretty good job so far...

DON"T SCREW IT UP!!!

That's just my 2 cents... I do take checks...

Cix

[Riku Namako]

* DUDE, DON"T DO THAT!!! Don't be something your not hoping that someone will approve. Cause if they appove of who you aren't... then they'll disapprove of who you are... then you'll never get the girl...

....

Do you deserve this girl? If so then be the kind of guy that she wants to be with... sounds like you're doing a pretty good job so far...

sounds like a contradiction to me.

if nothing else, he should be himself, not what she wants him to be. and selfless or not, no one deserves to be used, only to have their emotions toyed with in the end while the person doing said using moves on to the first thing that he/she finds more appealing.

edit: yeah, it hasnt' happened yet, I know. but give it time. they'll be out one day, he'll go to the bathroom, and some guy will come along, and its "bye bye new best friend".....

[thewhiterecluse]

You sure can pick 'em kiddo...

This is not the first time you have asked for advice about a woman w/ issues within issues...

My advice.. Learn from past experiences

The funny part is they all seem to act one way and agree with you then when you give them what they want they act badly and don't give you what you want. I don't understand selfish people who have to take, take, take, its really unfair especially if your ex was selfish, does that give you the right to be selfish with someone who hasn't ever done you wrong? I think its a deep psychological disorder people have. They figured, well they really loved someone and wanted that person to work out for the better SO bad that when they didn't get that person they feel then need to do what was done to them to an innocent person who cares about them. I guess because they survived through it they want someone else to experience their pain. I've already been down that road and there's no reason to shed a tear if you were treated like shit. Its best to move on, cut off contact, and forget about the person. People only change because they want to change and don't change for someone else. I think also people become so blindly in love with someone that it doesn't matter how bad the person treats them, they will still always love the person. I think its pretty stupid honestly, if someone is entirely to much work and pain to have to deal and you're miserable its not worth putting in so much emotion and effort only to be let down. A dirt bag is a dirt bag, you can't change it to a pot of gold. Thats the thing people misunderstand, you may think you have power over others and the ability to make the person you love change, but the bottom line is if they never loved you they won't change or even find an agreement. Thats the part where the bad guy or girl uses the phrase " I love you" to control you and try to mess up your whole mind frame about love. Because a dirt bag is a dirt bag looking for more dirt to fill up its insides. Low lifes want you to stoop to their level because their idea of winning is bringing you down with them. Nobody wants to sink on the Titanic alone and I realized that how it was with her and her ex. He wanted her to do everything for her and to always keep quiet about things. Maybe she's realizing it made her love him because he pushed her to impress him and his friends by being entirely selfish and not caring about her and her friends. I think its pretty lame if you have to force someone into love and can't accept the person for who they are. I don't know what entirely is going through her head and I don't think she'll tell me either way, so I'm just going to sit back and watch how she acts for awhile.

[creatureofthenyte]

When you meet someone, the moment you discover that she has "issues", RUN.

Life is too short to waste time with someone who has issues and who is gonna use you.

From what I read in your posts, it sounds like you are goin through some pointless unneccessary bs.

Life is short; and time is something that you can't get back once its gone.

Don't torture yourself with this as it seems its going nowhere.

Find someone who's worth your time.

[CixWicked]

Sorry, I didn't make my point very well there...

Ok, what I've gotten from this message is that in GENERAL the girl and him get on quite well. They spend a lot of time together, but in some ways her personality seems to dominate his personal sensibilities, and personal politics and sometimes he does things to make her happy that he really wouldn't do otherwise.

To that I responded... Don't do that. Be strong, be yourself... she will respect you more for standing your ground instead of nodding and going with the flow. I'm saying never -ever- turn your back on your own morals.

It's not hard to see why she connected with him, why she's there with him, and why she wants him around. He's kind, careing... he's accessible, and he's not unbearably pushy. From the limited information I have (And forgive me, I happen to be an Optimist) I'd say that she really seems likes him. BUT... he's had the opportunity to be there because her relationship went bad... Getting into another one is difficult. She may need some time.

FURTHERMORE... does not wanting a relationship when he does make her bad? Does him going against his moral fiber make -her- the bad party? I don't really think so. (Again, I don't know either of them, but even in this description, we've not seen him present himself very much... just lots about her).

The question about weather or not he deserves this girl is pretty pointed. Do you deserve to have what you want...? Do you deserve to get what it is that you want... cause if you do... and if she is someone you -want-... turning and saying. "You're never gonna be my girlfriend right now, so I don't want anything to do with you." doesn't end up getting him what he wants... in fact it does the opposite.

Her having reservations about a relationship dosn't make her a user... It makes her cautious. Some times I wish I had been cautious, but not if I get labeled a user for leaning on my friends and people who care.

My point is: Everything worth having is worth working to get, but it's better to work smart than it is to work hard, or to give up and not work at all. You can't succeed if you don't try.

Is she worth trying for? Well... you came her I assume to get answers. That says to me that in your heart and mind... yeah... she is.

Try to be understanding, but also be firm...

Does that make more sense?

Cix

....

sounds like a contradiction to me.

if nothing else, he should be himself, not what she wants him to be. and selfless or not, no one deserves to be used, only to have their emotions toyed with in the end while the person doing said using moves on to the first thing that he/she finds more appealing.

edit: yeah, it hasnt' happened yet, I know. but give it time. they'll be out one day, he'll go to the bathroom, and some guy will come along, and its "bye bye new best friend".....

[Michiko_Dreads]

I had a similiar problem but I was the girl on your end of the problem.

I say, stop attaching yourself to her bcuz you've been put in the friends zone.

She'll find a guy she likes and start to talk about him with you and before you know it she'll be telling you how much of a dick he is or whatever but you my friend needs to to stop it.

Yes, STOP IT!!!

Dangerous Waters, Man!!!!

She isnt going to take it seriously.

Even I get out of serious converstaions with saying things involvong boobs or other silly body parts.

[thewhiterecluse]

Eh, I don't think anybody wants affection anymore, people just want to have sex and let it be at that. Then the whole phrase "I love you" from what I've experienced with the past 3 relationships was a way to manipulate me so that I would give them what they want. People say they want a descent guy and that they want someone worth the time. But the truth is people want the asshole or bitch so that they can have a challenge by bending them into a better person and making them fall in love and change. The only affectionate loving relationship I ever had was when I was 14, before people even understood what love was. Now I find myself trying to back track and experience that long lost happiness. The funny part is people tell me to just enjoy my time and have fun, not worry about falling in love. I'm getting older and know what I want but at the same time I don't think it exists anymore. Alot of Americans marry for financial gain or social status gain. Nobody can ever truely unconditionally love someone anymore and show that they love the person. I think I've pretty much have given up on the whole concept of falling in love again. I mean am I a fool for wanting something so real? I should of just stay with my first girlfriend and tried my hardest to make it work, like kissing her parent's butts and getting her to not rebel to be with me. I screwed up and honestly she was the only person I ever had that gave me love and I had that special spark with. From everything else I experienced was me putting forth the work and effort only to get nothing back but a "pat on the head". Whatever I am through and I will continue to be negative about relationships and the whole idea until proven otherwise. Even when you light the wick and show someone the way they would rather wet their finger and put out the flame before it even had a chance because of their "past relationships and hardships". Its all baggage and crap that I am expected to carry while I've given everyone I date a fair chance.

[Onyx]

I think I've pretty much have given up on the whole concept of falling in love again. I mean am I a fool for wanting something so real?

Nope, I don't believe that something real is impossible to find, but I do believe it's rare. You had it once.

That's what makes it precious, because it is so very rare.

[thewhiterecluse]

Nope, I don't believe that something real is impossible to find, but I do believe it's rare. You had it once.

That's what makes it precious, because it is so very rare.

Eh, I give up. Going to go back to being an asshole. Nobody wants the sappy romantic anyways, only in fairy tells. I had it once and got to experience it so that was it for me. The funny part is when you start making money it comes back around from what I've experienced and then you have to condition the love by "proving that you love the person" this means giving everything you have while the other reaps the benefit. Screw that, my last few relationships revolved around "well if you love me you'll buy me this" or "if you love me we can go do this" or "if you love me you'll give everything I want and take nothing in return". Its all a onesided manipulation game where I am expected to bend over backwards and provide everything. Expectations, manipulation, selfishness if that is the way someone gives love in return then screw that. That seems to be what "defines love" in modern era.

[Scales]

I was involved with someone like this and had to let them go. Involving matters such as these, this quote has helped me:

http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/onblack.php?id=3388254336

[Guest Megalicious]

When you meet someone, the moment you discover that she has "issues", RUN.

Life is too short to waste time with someone who has issues and who is gonna use you.

From what I read in your posts, it sounds like you are goin through some pointless unneccessary bs.

Life is short; and time is something that you can't get back once its gone.

Don't torture yourself with this as it seems its going nowhere.

Find someone who's worth your time.