I don't understand this woman

[CixWicked]

Does this make anyone else sad?

Man, I've been hurt, stepped on, and mistreated countless times by countless people. I've also been truly loved, and for any one of those experiences, I would go through all the pain, and heartache again.

Am I -really- that odd? Does anybody truly love anyone any more?

This is really depressing.

CixWicked

[TygerLili]

When you meet someone, the moment you discover that she has "issues", RUN.

If we all did that, everyone would be single for the rest of their lives. The only people who don't have any issues are the ones who haven't had any life experience and are too young to be dating at all.

It's about finding someone can balance dealing with their issues and needs with your issues and needs. At various points in the relationship, both parties need to be willing to give more than 50% of the time.

[creatureofthenyte]

If we all did that, everyone would be single for the rest of their lives. The only people who don't have any issues are the ones who haven't had any life experience and are too young to be dating at all.

It's about finding someone can balance dealing with their issues and needs with your issues and needs. At various points in the relationship, both parties need to be willing to give more than 50% of the time.

I just re-read my comment that you quoted me on

I just noticed, that when I talked about "issues", that was a bit of an overly generalized comment, I'm sorry about that.

The thought that I was trying to convey is: If she has "issues"; i.e. : if he notices definite or potential red flags, then he should find someone that doesn't have those red flag issues.

Essentially, if I were in TWC's situation, I would just run, and run fast.

[CixWicked]

If we all did that, everyone would be single for the rest of their lives. The only people who don't have any issues are the ones who haven't had any life experience and are too young to be dating at all.

It's about finding someone can balance dealing with their issues and needs with your issues and needs. At various points in the relationship, both parties need to be willing to give more than 50% of the time.

SO TRUE... SO TRUE, YOU ROCK Tyger)

[TygerLili]

I just re-read my comment that you quoted me on

I just noticed, that when I talked about "issues", that was a bit of an overly generalized comment, I'm sorry about that.

The thought that I was trying to convey is: If she has "issues"; i.e. : if he notices definite or potential red flags, then he should find someone that doesn't have those red flag issues.

Essentially, if I were in TWC's situation, I would just run, and run fast.

Gotcha.

SO TRUE... SO TRUE, YOU ROCK Tyger)

I do rock, don't I...

[TitsMcGee]

I do rock, don't I...

That you do

[asphyxian_doll]

If shes into you emotionally or sexually,

and then pulls the cold heart game....she is most likely afraid of intimacy and love.

Drop her.

Don't expect her to be your soul mate, or expect her to want a relationship.

Don't expect anything....

don't even entertain the idea...because if she has MADE IT CLEAR TO YOU, that she DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

That means she has set a BOUNDARY.

If she cannot HERSELF RESPECT THE BOUNDARY THAT SHE SET FOR YOU,

than you need to make it clear that to expect certain treatment she also needs to give it.

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, but she wants you to just deal with it.

Shes a fucking loony.

again....drop her.

Boundaries are key.

No boundaries....no friendship.

No friendship....no relationship.

[thewhiterecluse]

If shes into you emotionally or sexually,

and then pulls the cold heart game....she is most likely afraid of intimacy and love.

Drop her.

Don't expect her to be your soul mate, or expect her to want a relationship.

Don't expect anything....

don't even entertain the idea...because if she has MADE IT CLEAR TO YOU, that she DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

That means she has set a BOUNDARY.

If she cannot HERSELF RESPECT THE BOUNDARY THAT SHE SET FOR YOU,

than you need to make it clear that to expect certain treatment she also needs to give it.

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, but she wants you to just deal with it.

Shes a fucking loony.

again....drop her.

Boundaries are key.

No boundaries....no friendship.

No friendship....no relationship.

I'm stressed out and tired from it in general and every relationship I have had, except for one, has gone sour because of barriers. Unneccesary baggage you have to carry after they let the last person get to them. It's childish and unneccesary. Then when you give them what they want you get nothing in return but more stress and trying to be as flexible as possible while they stand like a statue and show less emotion than a statue. People's don't care so why should I? Why should I show feelings when I never get them back? It's not hurting someone when people are colder than ice from their last relationship. It's not being wasteful with your time and energy when you simply don't care. I'm sick of being the good guy only to get screwed over and over again, this goes with friends, relationships, ect.

[thewhiterecluse]

Needless to say, put your heart on ice until you get what you want and never settle for less. Everybody else does it so its ok.

[asphyxian_doll]

I'm stressed out and tired from it in general and every relationship I have had, except for one, has gone sour because of barriers. Unneccesary baggage you have to carry after they let the last person get to them. It's childish and unneccesary. Then when you give them what they want you get nothing in return but more stress and trying to be as flexible as possible while they stand like a statue and show less emotion than a statue. People's don't care so why should I? Why should I show feelings when I never get them back? It's not hurting someone when people are colder than ice from their last relationship. It's not being wasteful with your time and energy when you simply don't care. I'm sick of being the good guy only to get screwed over and over again, this goes with friends, relationships, ect.

Do you spend more time trying to help others and make them happy, than you do trying to be happy yourself?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Do you spend more time trying to help others and make them happy, than you do trying to be happy yourself?

Sounds familiar.

[asphyxian_doll]

make equal time for yourself, and things will get easier ^_^

I strongly believe that a sound mind, begets sound friendships....

If the people you are trying to help are toxic, there is no helping them.

[candyman]

I think all of my friends and Xs were and are toxic...but I still enjoy them...I am probably toxic too and that suits me just fine...

but maybe the issue here is that the long road to finding happiness is still extending into the distance...

[asphyxian_doll]

Well the definition of toxic depends on what you do and who you are.

Anyways, if the person expects you to enable their ignorance, selfishness and self centered behavior, and is hurting you AND themselves, then...they are toxic.

[CixWicked]

I think all of my friends and Xs were and are toxic...but I still enjoy them...I am probably toxic too and that suits me just fine...

but maybe the issue here is that the long road to finding happiness is still extending into the distance...

Wow,

Well said, Candy.

Please don't take that previous, or anything in this as derogetory, that's not my intention. I mean no insult or injury, just some hopefully helpful observation.

Honestly from all this, I think that maybe both of you (WTC and this lady he's talking about) need to re-evaluate each other. It sounds like you've got just as much baggage as she does. She's not the first girl that you've felt this way about (That she's just using you/mistreating you)... that dosn't beget an issue IN AND OF ITSELF, but if, in your life, ALL (or MOSTLY) all of your relationships end with you regretting having ever taken the time... seems to me that itself is a symptom of an issue. And maybe that issue is just that you haven't really learned to cope with interpersonal stress.

That being said, I'm -not- one of those people that beleive that just because someone has a problem you bail and flake out on them. That's a recipie for loneliness. You can't help everyone, but if you run from everyone who may need help, then in the long run... you'll have no reason to wonder why there's no one there when -you- need help.

Seriously, there's a -lot- of cynics in this discussion, but everything that -I've- read about your situation, she sounds rather reasonable.

Sounds like a great freind helped her out of a really bad relationship, and the last thing she wants to do is to jump into another relationship. And the second to last thing she wants to do is pull you into one, and then hurt you by realizing 2 or 3 weeks, or even months in, that she wasn't ready.

Bail if you want, but... I wish some of the nutcase girls that I dated would have had as much character, and sense of self.

::SRHUG:: That's just me though

CixWicked

[thewhiterecluse]

Baggage? Me? Ha thats a laugh. Anyone I have ever dated has always had a fair chance without the judgement of previous exes. I can easily get over someone and move on without shedding a tear, nobody is worth crying or getting upset over and I learned that from the last relationship. Your heart moves on and you love another but at this point why settle for something you can never have. As the saying goes, you can have what you don't want but you can't have what you want.

[pomba gira]

So I made a new friend who really like me a whole lot. We talk like ALL the time. I've helped her through the mess with her ex and have been helping her become a stronger person. From what you say, she is not becoming a stronger person- she is leeching your strength and energy for her own needs. Well she says she doesn't want a relationship but its obvious she really likes me and wants to be around me. We go out every weekend to the movies and she comes over. Well she wants me to move closer to her. I don't understand, but she doesn't want a relationship with me? She acts like she really cares about me then become cold and distant, or whenever I try to get bring up a deep conversation she says something in the middle of it, like boobs or something goofy. Yet it feels like even in the friendship, as usual with most of my friends, I am doing more of the work. I don't know what to do or say and if its contributing to too much stress should I just blow her off and forget about everything? Yes. You are not doing any favors to her or yourself by continuing the "friendship". You are just enabling her to keep being dependent/a user and not address any of the issues she obviously has with intimacy, communication, etc. I mean I have had to do alot of things I don't approve of to make her happy. You should never have to do "things you don't approve of" in a friendship. A true friend would not ask/expect you to do things that are against your personal ethics. Its starting to seem like its too much work and that it will keep being give and give in order for her to be happy and not receive anything in return. Why are you so worried about "making her happy"? Does she go out of her way to make YOU happy? I just like to be appreciate and shown that somebody cares about me if they truely do, I shouldn't have to work to be cared about. I mean its obvious when I like someone and care about them, I pay attension, respond in a helpful way, say nice things to them, make them feel good about themselves, and be considerate of them. Yet alot of people I've dated seemed to "say they care" but don't show it, its like trying to ask them to move a boulder. It sounds to me like you are a "people pleaser" type. Unfortunately, people who just use others can spot this quality a mile away and will latch onto you and drain you dry. Until you gain some insight into why you feel such a need to "do for" others, especially others who don't reciprocate, you will continue to attract these types. People who value you for yourself will like you (and show it) without you constantly putting yourself out for them. I simply don't understand people, after all the hell I went through with one ex its simply easy to let go with one person if they hurt you and love another, nobody or anything is worth getting upset over and dwelling on, and least of all letting it ruin you. I have to disagree. "Letting it ruin you" is one thing... but anything truly worth having is worth fighting for. If you look at couples who've been together for ten years or more... they have all gone through rocky times... sometimes extended rocky times. Hanging on in a situation that is obviously negative for both is one thing... but there are times when some "getting upset" is necessary to fix things and make the relationship even stronger.

[Rev.Reverence]

I am becoming convinced that she is a VAMPIRE & she is trying to make of you a DUPPY.