Bad ass bible verses

[Homicidalheathen]

cracked

[Homicidalheathen]

omg zombie bears!!!

and donkey dicks lol

[pomba gira]

That Ezekiel bit is pretty aggro... sure is a lot of "breast bruising" going on!

Surprised the charming and uplifting tale of the Levite's Concubine didn't make the list...

[Enishi]

LOL at the thread title.

Edited May 6, 2009 by Enishi

[Slogo]

There's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

I love Pulp Fiction

[prick]

Do unto others before they do unto you. Thats in the bible right?

[n0Mad]

There's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17.

Only problem is, that's not what it says. Here's the real verse (with the two prior leading up to it to give context):

15 "This is what the Sovereign LORD says: 'Because the Philistines acted in vengeance and took revenge with malice in their hearts, and with ancient hostility sought to destroy Judah, 16 therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am about to stretch out my hand against the Philistines, and I will cut off the Kerethites and destroy those remaining along the coast. 17 I will carry out great vengeance on them and punish them in my wrath. Then they will know that I am the LORD, when I take vengeance on them.' "

[Slogo]

Only problem is, that's not what it says. Here's the real verse (with the two prior leading up to it to give context):

In which version of the bible

[Homicidalheathen]

quote I think lately this one has been my new fav Hille: I just read it again a few months ago...

The Story of the Levite's Concubine

Judges 19:10 - 20:48

Just before midnight one night, Beth heard someone pounding on the front door of their house. "Hello in there! Hello! Let me in," shouted a man. "Give me a bunch of money!"

This frightened Beth and she hid under the covers.

A minute later, Beth heard her father come into the room. "Beth," said her father, "would you please go to the front door and see what the man wants?"

Beth was scared, but she knew that it would be a sin to disobey her father. She got up, put on her bunny slippers and her robe, and went to the front door while her father returned to bed.

By the time Beth got to the front door, the man wasn't there any more. She peeked out through the curtains and saw him peeing on the lawn. Then he just walked away.

Even when she was back in bed Beth felt very upset. She started to cry and her sobs brought her mother into her room.

"What's the matter, Dear One?" her mother asked.

"Daddy asked me to go see the strange man at the door," sobbed Beth. "But the man scared me. Why didn't Daddy just go himself and see who it was?"

Beth's mother sat at the side of the bed and ran a hand across Beth's hair comfortingly. "There's a story in the Bible that explains it all, Dear One," said her mother.

And this is the story she told:

One day a Levite and his concubine were traveling through Jebus. It was late and the servant said, "Let's find a place to stay and turn in for the night."

"I don't want to stop in a town unless Israelites live there," said the Levite. "Let's go to Gibeah or Ramah."

So they kept going and didn't reach Gibeah -- one of Benjamin's cities -- until after it was dark.

They couldn't find anyplace to stay in Gibeah so they sat in the street.

While they were sitting, an old man on his way home from work came up to them and said, "Where are you going? Where do you come from?"

The Levite answered, "We're going from Bethlehemjudah to the side of mount Ephraim, where I'm from, and I went to Bethlehemjudah, but now we're on our way to God's place, but there's nobody to take me into his house. We've got straw and food for our donkeys and bread and wine for me and my companions so we don't want anything."

"Peace," said the old man. "I'll take care of you, just don't spend the night in the street." Then he brought them to his house, fed their donkeys, washed their feet, and gave them something to eat.

While they were partying, some men from the city, Belial's sons, surrounded the house and pounded on the door. "Send out the man who's visiting you so we can put our penises in him," they yelled.

The old man went to them and said, "No, brothers, no. Please, don't be so naughty. This guy is my guest, don't be so silly. Look, here's my daughter who's never had a penis put in her and the guy's concubine. I'll bring them out for you to dominate. You can do with them what ever you think is a good idea. Just leave the man alone."

The men weren't really listening. They took the concubine and put their penises in her and beat her all night. The next morning, they let her go.

When the sun was just starting to come up, the concubine fell down in front of the old man's house and lay there.

When it was full light, the Levite got up and opened the door of the house and started to leave. On his way out, he found his concubine lying just at the edge of the door.

The Levite picked up his concubine and said, "Get up, let's get going." But she didn't say anything.

Seeing that she was dead, the man put her on his donkey and took her home. At home, he got a knife and cut her into twelve pieces which he sent all over Israel.

When people saw the pieces they said, "This is the worst thing that has happened since we left Egypt." In fact, the Israelites got so mad that a bunch of them went to Gibeah, killed everyone they could find (including the animals) and burned down all the cities in the area.

"So you see," said Beth's mother, "the strange man might have hurt your father. That's why he sent you to the door instead."

Beth thought about this for a moment. "But in the story the girl who goes outside gets beat up until she is dead."

"That's true, Dear One," said her mother. "But she was only a girl. It's not a great loss. And people from other towns made sure that the people who did the bad thing were punished along with their wives, children, and pets."

"But why do the animals have to die? They didn't do anything bad and they don't even know what's going on."

Her mother smiled. "It's because God is a just God, Dear One, and animals are just animals. Now go to sleep; pleasant dreams." And with that, she kissed Beth on the cheek and went back to her own room.

Then Beth pulled the covers over her head and lay awake all night, hoping that the strange man would not come back with a bunch of drunken friends and demand to put their penises in her. All her questions had been answered.

[n0Mad]

In which version of the bible

From the Trivia section on IMDB:

The passage from the Bible that Jules has memorized was mostly made up by Quentin Tarantino and Samuel L. Jackson. The only part that's similar to what the Bible says is the part where he says, "And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee." However, the parts about the righteous man and the shepherd are not real.

[pomba gira]

In which version of the bible

The KJV renders it pretty much as Spook did... a few words different here & there i.e. "Lord God" instead of "Sovereign Lord", otherwise the same. I suspect Spook's is from the New International or maybe the Good News.

and yeah HH ... the Bible is full of stuff that couldn't be aired on network TV... but that one is by far the most warped story in the entire old testament.

Edited May 7, 2009 by pomba gira