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What Are You Thinking?


StormKnight

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I just realized I have nothing that I can do that will make me happy without some sort of strings being attached...even the cat has a toy she can beat up on until she is satisfied, but everything I do comes with a consequence or repercussion of my actions. I think I'm tired...

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I think if I get these Monroe county clients It would bring a more steady income, perhaps one I can make work and perhaps even get back to grad school due to the flexibility after I work some financial things out, plus Monroe borders Toledo and apartments are cheap.

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The nurse practioner and I had a good meeting this week. Even though my friends all jokingly say "Kats not allowed to pick her boyfriends"...it actually holds so much truth. The NP, a man, wiser abd older when I ran threw my current life situation to him as if he was to shame me and then told him my current degree and career area., he looked at me and said. .." yea, thats all of you, nurses, social workers. All the women I know, mainly nurses but social workers are worse, he said, you are all co-dependent"....he than said...do you know why? " I said. ..well we wear our hearts on our sleeve. ..and he said yea, that" but youare also helpers, you want to fix everything"...and I said. .." we are magnets"...he than completed my sentence by saying yes, especially to the sociopaths". He said, from now on, don't go for the guy you'd be attracted to. ..go for who you wouldn't. ..that's going to be the right one. I never really sat and let it sink in. ..until meeting him. I am confident he speaks truth. Negative brews negative. ..find my opposite that I would never be expected to fit with. That's the one that I hold their broken pieces of their heart and that who holds mine, the void we each feel is what the other can fulfill to complete the empty shell we have had all so long, the one who can stare in my eyes and I in there's and see the rest of there life is no longer just in solitude...the two who see themselves til the end right through each other's eyes. That's the one. I know he exists...we do for each other...nothing more.

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I've got to remember to stay focus...stay focus and it is possible I may get more done...try not to think about tomorrow, it will take care of itself...today is all that matters at the moment...work now, work hard, work fast...

...oh yeah...and breathe...

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I think I have finally made the first step in trying to cope with my level of anxiety. Had a very long discussion with Okaasan. Now it's up to me to follow through with the steps we put in place...here's to staying hopeful... :happy:

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