What Are You Thinking?

[creatureofthenyte]

I think I'm gonna go eat dinner.

[kat (1)]

Humans were created to love and to be loved but we have distorted what the meaning of love is. How can we love another if we hate ourselves and how can we accept love from another if we despise ourselves? Such is the path to destruction.

 

Love is patient and is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not brag or boast of itself nor is arrogant. Love does not behave unseemly nor seeks her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 

 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

[kat (1)]

I think I probably could have went back to work instead of waiting til December and now that I just read about the Arkansas crash well they were from the Monroe area and that means that the community is going to need crisis teams so work is going to need all of us. I have to try and get back now I know that staffing is short and now with this, yea..I think I need to just go now. I was scared of the anxiety I was still feeling but I gotta put that shit aside.

Rest their souls to those people. I can hear the shit people are going to be saying about them now. Bottom line, they are still human beings. 

[TronRP]

Yes, I'm home and ready to nap for a bit. Wish I could just sleep in all day tomorrow, but something always comes up. At least I have right now. 

[kat (1)]

I really need to talk about stuff that is weighing on me that has recently manifested. 

[kat (1)]

You brought me Red roses and I enjoyed spending time with you earlier this week and even though I can forgive you for what happened I have not stopped crying in days and ruminating on things that happened between us. I never want to feel like that weak girl who I was when we were together. My heart still hurts, I still see you saying Fuck you and making me feel guilty for what I am. I have to be strong though, this time.. I would have never broke your heart, I did all I could to show you I was the real deal. When I love, I love without limit. I hope that you have truly grown from the experience we were, I wish you the best of everything but I can't go back to that place emotionally. I have to protect myself from being hurt because I cannot and will not attempt emotional suicide any longer.

[kat (1)]

I am so glad I didn't forget to get batteries at Walgreen's today. 

[TronRP]

Wonder if I can squeeze in a nap before it's time to run again.

[kat (1)]

..I am still just a rat in a cage.

[kat (1)]

I think that the beginning of this commercial is hilarious

https://youtu.be/aPAXs85atoc

[Trene4000]

I managed to rest a little from today's excursions outside but the memories of what the doctors from AAA did to me suddenly surfaced again.  I can't escape them, all jumbled up inside my head.  The doctor who stabbed my hands and treated me like I lied, she didn't listen to what I said then became angry when I cried.  The psych eval doctor who forced me to stare at pictures, fill out forms and gave me food that tasted like dirt who pretended to be two different people until I said something about it then got upset at me.  The creepy white haired doctor in the tiny room who kept asking me the same questions about my eyes until he decided to write down what he wanted. The room with the bright windows and expensive bookshelf where a lady with blonde hair whose face I can't see kept asking me questions about how I took care of myself financially before the accident.  No one listened or really cared what I said.  It didn't matter that I had already been under treatment for four years before AAA canceled my medical coverage and decided to verify my injuries.  I had adapted to my new life by then.  I worked hard to achieve everything I did.  I endured countless hours of injections and therapy in order to see clearly, move my head, bend down, pick up a gallon of milk, travel up and down the street from my house to my mother's by counting how many steps it took from her gate to mine whenever my vision grayed out, relying on family members to help me whenever I suffered seizures, and to walk down a hall without running into objects, walls, or people.  They didn't ask me about any of that. They didn't ask about the times my legs would give out and I would fall or someone would catch me.  I felt like I was under attack and couldn't do anything to defend myself.  Whenever I'm exhausted, those memories would rise up and force me from my sleep.  It was horrible and unfair, just so they could save themselves some money.  I was already a victim.  I was just the passenger in the backseat.  I wasn't being greedy or whatever.  I was supposed to be going to an interview that Monday for a senior administrative position that paid $63,000 a year with full benefits. I had a future set in place and that driver, who saw eight cars in front of him stopped at a red light but he decided to keep driving (there were only two and he was traveling at 80 mph), took that and my ability to bear offspring away from me.  All I want is some way to have a normal life despite being unable to work or fully care for myself.  Why am I being punished by AAA for wanting that?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

I managed to rest a little from today's excursions outside but the memories of what the doctors from AAA did to me suddenly surfaced again.  I can't escape them, all jumbled up inside my head.  The doctor who stabbed my hands and treated me like I lied, she didn't listen to what I said then became angry when I cried.  The psych eval doctor who forced me to stare at pictures, fill out forms and gave me food that tasted like dirt who pretended to be two different people until I said something about it then got upset at me.  The creepy white haired doctor in the tiny room who kept asking me the same questions about my eyes until he decided to write down what he wanted. The room with the bright windows and expensive bookshelf where a lady with blonde hair whose face I can't see kept asking me questions about how I took care of myself financially before the accident.  No one listened or really cared what I said.  It didn't matter that I had already been under treatment for four years before AAA canceled my medical coverage and decided to verify my injuries.  I had adapted to my new life by then.  I worked hard to achieve everything I did.  I endured countless hours of injections and therapy in order to see clearly, move my head, bend down, pick up a gallon of milk, travel up and down the street from my house to my mother's by counting how many steps it took from her gate to mine whenever my vision grayed out, relying on family members to help me whenever I suffered seizures, and to walk down a hall without running into objects, walls, or people.  They didn't ask me about any of that. They didn't ask about the times my legs would give out and I would fall or someone would catch me.  I felt like I was under attack and couldn't do anything to defend myself.  Whenever I'm exhausted, those memories would rise up and force me from my sleep.  It was horrible and unfair, just so they could save themselves some money.  I was already a victim.  I was just the passenger in the backseat.  I wasn't being greedy or whatever.  I was supposed to be going to an interview that Monday for a senior administrative position that paid $63,000 a year with full benefits. I had a future set in place and that driver, who saw eight cars in front of him stopped at a red light but he decided to keep driving (there were only two and he was traveling at 80 mph), took that and my ability to bear offspring away from me.  All I want is some way to have a normal life despite being unable to work or fully care for myself.  Why am I being punished by AAA for wanting that?

How horrible.  Life revolves around money for insurance, they aren't picking on you, they are just inate assholes.  I can't know exactly what you were / are going through.   But I want the same thing, really really badly.  It just keeps not working out, never improving "enough" , and belive me I've spent a long time trying to lower the bar of what would make me "content".  

I was actually on 2 weeks off  (Ford IT) and was up for a promotion when I got back to work.  (a pretty sigificant one, at the time I was at 48k and my boss told me he'd try to get me 20k more since I had already been doing a job that paid 60k to start, I just wasn't getting paid for it. But I had to do all these damn CBTs (computer basted training courses) just to fulfil some BS fortune 500 / ISO 90XX thing ford was requireing.   

 

So I spent almost the entire 2 weeks of like 6-7 hours a day working on the CBTs , finished them the friday before I was to go back to work.  

Then, that damn sunday, BAM , Car Accident.  Life = Over.   Spent then next two years learning how to talk and the next 3 learning how to walk  I've tried to go back to work 7 times.   Fail. and from then on having random breaks with reality  and intense depression (several failed suicide attempts, really feel like a loser even more due to that / Anxiety  (this was 10 years ago)  Right at the moment I'm on an upswing , but who knows how long that will last.  

I really feel for you, I know a lot of what you went through, first time I heard anyone else tell a story remotely similar to mine.  Honestly I really am feeling bad.  I hope we can pull this out of the fire to some degree.    <--- that last hug was extra heartfelt.    

[kat (1)]

To the two previous posts above mine.

Edited November 13, 2015 by kat

[TronRP]

I wish I could create money at will. It would throw off the Federal Government's accounting methods, but I would be able to take care of everything and everyone who needed it. 

Ah, such a nice dream...

[kat (1)]

I wish I could create money at will. It would throw off the Federal Government's accounting methods, but I would be able to take care of everything and everyone who needed it. 

Ah, such a nice dream...

I was trying to post and was going to say I wish for something similiar to help people:(

[kat (1)]

I just seen this commercial where the guy and girl are on phone, she says see you for date night like it was a regular scheduled event, he looks like oh shit and just started taking pics of his stuff so he can sell it. They than show them at dinner and she was like all impressed because I guess this was a better place than normal for them..but, like..

 Why she couldn't pay for it this time though? Why he gotta go sell his shit? He like, sold his game system to take the bitch out!!! Fuck that. I only sell shit if I need food for kids and I or gas money. 

Stay home, watch a movie, play a video game.. Ohhh, but u can't now..AND, if it doesn't work out with the girl you done sold your shit for nothing. Just saying..

That commercial bugged me.

Edited November 15, 2015 by kat

[kat (1)]

I'm not sure if my friend was texting me to invite me to the house to have breakfast with his wife and kids or if he was telling me that to get out of the words with friends game we been playing since like 11, 12 last night that I got on again watch like 7 am, like before I even got coffee or lit a cigarette. 

[kat (1)]

I am grateful that I am alive

 That I have amazing kids

Things could have been so much worse, I appreciate whatever has been looking out. 

 

Edited November 16, 2015 by kat

[creatureofthenyte]

I'm gonna go have breakfast.

[kat (1)]

Truly common sense is diminished when you are a bus person in a restaurant what in the hell prompts you to start a conversation about fumigating the restaurant and the rats in your apartment while costumers are eating!!! That's so inappropriate. Now all I taste is chemicals.

[kat (1)]

I was talking to my mom and she was telling me about some things that have been happening since my friend has moved to my late gmas house, appearantly the tissue in the bathroom was flipped in the opposite direction that my friend puts it, and my grandmy also loved yellow roses, appearantly they haven't bloomed in awhile and I guess my aunt said that she was there the day before my friend moved in and then the next day a single rose was blooming. I find it comforting. It reminded me of a few years ago living at another house my aunt owned that was a couple blocks away and I was living in the room my grandpa had before he died, well his pacemaker machine was still hooked up and it just started going crazy one night. I told my family members that and they blew it off and said yea, it does that.. Than, later on, like after I moved out my aunt said that they lied to me, that it had never did that before but they thought I would be to afraid to sleep in the room if I knew the truth. 

Interesting. Hmmm.

[TronRP]

I just seen this commercial where the guy and girl are on phone, she says see you for date night like it was a regular scheduled event, he looks like oh shit and just started taking pics of his stuff so he can sell it. They than show them at dinner and she was like all impressed because I guess this was a better place than normal for them..but, like..

 Why she couldn't pay for it this time though? Why he gotta go sell his shit? He like, sold his game system to take the bitch out!!! Fuck that. I only sell shit if I need food for kids and I or gas money. 

Stay home, watch a movie, play a video game.. Ohhh, but u can't now..AND, if it doesn't work out with the girl you done sold your shit for nothing. Just saying..

That commercial bugged me.

OMG, right...it's like they are trying to change the thinking pattern again. It always starts with an off commercial and the next thing you know, it's become "mainstream". 

[TronRP]

Truly common sense is diminished when you are a bus person in a restaurant what in the hell prompts you to start a conversation about fumigating the restaurant and the rats in your apartment while costumers are eating!!! That's so inappropriate. Now all I taste is chemicals.

Maybe they were showing off for the costumers. Sometimes special events can prompt temporary insanity. Was there any particular theme?

[kat (1)]

OMG, right...it's like they are trying to change the thinking pattern again. It always starts with an off commercial and the next thing you know, it's become "mainstream". 

Right! So you seen it too? It just trips me out. Too me, if I say let's go out to dinner, breakfast, drinks, etc..my rule is I suggest I pay...I mean I at least make sure I'm prepared to.. Unless I'm broke and then I just cry and say please feed me..lol. Just kidding, well, actually my check got messed up for the last two weeks I had to call and get on the guys ass about not getting a check, a phone call, nothing yet, he basically forgot to submit my paperwork, if it was not for Zurgous loaning me money before he left to go OTR today I would be SOL for my gas and groceries for this week. 

Umm..yea.

Edited November 19, 2015 by kat

[kat (1)]

Maybe they were showing off for the costumers. Sometimes special events can prompt temporary insanity. Was there any particular theme?

If only, but no. She was just out a hot ass mess.