What Are You Thinking?

[kat (1)]

She just yelled at me to go put on some damn makeup! She said you better start fixing yourself up. Okay mother! Black number 1, red lips, and thick eyeliner it is! You want me to go get made up but you won't like me. She'll be calling me a satanist for real. I'll go fix up. Oh yes.

[kat (1)]

I feel like a 14 year old rebellious child here!

[TronRP]

3 hours ago, kat said:

I feel like a 14 year old rebellious child here!

I find it interesting that just about every family has at least one child that gets treated this way.

[TronRP]

Wow, I think yesterday's search for an open blood draw lab, the trip to Whole Foods, the detour to Milano Cafe, security checks and supply relocation really took a toll on me.  I couldn't even figure out how to wake up until after 12pm today.

[Draco1958]

7 hours ago, kat said:

She just yelled at me to go put on some damn makeup! She said you better start fixing yourself up. Okay mother! Black number 1, red lips, and thick eyeliner it is! You want me to go get made up but you won't like me. She'll be calling me a satanist for real. I'll go fix up. Oh yes.

Hmm, maybe we can worship together.  I am sure my neighbors wonder about me.  After all, having 2 gargoyles on the porch adds to the mystery.

[Draco1958]

7 hours ago, kat said:

I feel like a 14 year old rebellious child here!

They taste great BBQ'd

[kat (1)]

22 hours ago, Draco1958 said:

Hmm, maybe we can worship together.  I am sure my neighbors wonder about me.  After all, having 2 gargoyles on the porch adds to the mystery.

Oh yea? Ha. I used to have a giant gargoyle above my fireplace back in the day and an interesting book collection that was a bf at the time at my house. My mom found some of his artwork while I was gone to KY with him and well she just is convinced still 18 years later.

Edited November 27, 2017 by kat

[kat (1)]

A good thing happened. I told myself last night, I put it out to the Gods, the universe, The Lord, that I would find a copy of my degree TODAY somehow and something great happened. My cousin asks me to ride with her to a therapy appointment, I used to work there. I was bored waiting so it popped in my head go ask HR if they still had my file and if they did and had a copy of my degree if they could give me a copy. Low and behold, they did. I told that woman that she just made my entire year. I felt a few bricks lift off me too.

[TronRP]

Child logic is so amazing.  This boy has convinced himself that he can see through walls, bend academia to his will and steal without getting caught in a house with only 2 kids.

Wow, what a rich fantasy life...

[TronRP]

7 hours ago, kat said:

A good thing happened. I told myself last night, I put it out to the Gods, the universe, The Lord, that I would find a copy of my degree TODAY somehow and something great happened. My cousin asks me to ride with her to a therapy appointment, I used to work there. I was bored waiting so it popped in my head go ask HR if they still had my file and if they did and had a copy of my degree if they could give me a copy. Low and behold, they did. I told that woman that she just made my entire year. I felt a few bricks lift off me too.

 

[TronRP]

Haha...I play scary video games the same way Parker from Parker Plays does....

[TronRP]

On 11/27/2017 at 4:07 PM, kat said:

Oh yea? Ha. I used to have a giant gargoyle above my fireplace back in the day and an interesting book collection that was a bf at the time at my house. My mom found some of his artwork while I was gone to KY with him and well she just is convinced still 18 years later.

Must admit, I liked your original comment to Draco's post.  The context made more sense...just sayin'.  

[kat (1)]

21 minutes ago, TronRP said:

Must admit, I liked your original comment to Draco's post.  The context made more sense...just sayin'.  

Awww. You read it? Cool. It was fun times back then. Too bad we both loved alcohol and cocaine just a little. 

[kat (1)]

Me: Ma, I got a job! 

Ma: Your a whore.

Me: Huh? No I got a real job. 

Ma: Your still a whore. 

 

[TronRP]

7 minutes ago, kat said:

Me: Ma, I got a job! 

Ma: Your a whore.

Me: Huh? No I got a real job. 

Ma: Your still a whore. 

 

What the  is she drunk!?!? 

[kat (1)]

1 minute ago, TronRP said:

What the  is she drunk!?!? 

Oh no, that's normal my love. That's the cliff notes version. If I posted the crap she said like I can't even take my mind to the places where she goes. Like combine the mother from Carrie and that Penny chic from Hairsprays mom and that's close except more vile and mean. If she only calls me a whore a couple times a day it's a good day. Even if I'm not there she will text me saying I'm crazy, I'm stupid, ignorant, ridiculous, claiming she's a Christian and gossiping about everyone, like I told her I finally got the nerve to respond to her judging me and told her I had no idea she was God and that she thrived on drama and misery. She has no idea what it was to love that she only knows war and that when things are quiet she is bored and has to be mean and find someone to argue with. 

I dealt with it since I was young. I didn't know yelling and screaming and stuff wasn't normal. I thought everyone was that aggressive. That is why I still have trouble when someone is being genuinely nice to me because I didn't grow up knowing or seeing a loving side to her and it messed my little psyche up. 

[kat (1)]

This is the mind fuck..I tell her I'm going back yesterday to Toledo she cries and begs me not too so I give in and I find a waitressing job today, I tell her and she kicks me out and starts tripping because I told her I was spending the night somewhere else ( I get a room as often as I can afford it)

I than tell her ok, fine, I'll go back to Ohio and than she starts apologizing again saying she's sorry and blaming something random like Idk tonight it was she didn't feel good, the rest of the time it's like she just was tired, etc.. 

I think I'd rather live in a shelter/halfway house than be treated like that. I try so hard to ignore it but if I'm not in her presence she's blowing up my phone and if I don't respond to it she starts contacting my daughter stressing her out knowing that it will cause me to respond. She is starting to screw with my kids head too. I see it and my daughter is not at all used to that level of insanity, my daughter had a fairly normal childhood with me, the drama was never like that.

Edited November 29, 2017 by kat

[TronRP]

3 minutes ago, kat said:

Oh no, that's normal my love. That's the cliff notes version. If I posted the crap she said like I can't even take my mind to the places where she goes. Like combine the mother from Carrie and that Penny chic from Hairsprays mom and that's close except more vile and mean. If she only calls me a whore a couple times a day it's a good day. Even if I'm not there she will text me saying I'm crazy, I'm stupid, ignorant, ridiculous, claiming she's a Christian and gossiping about everyone, like I told her I finally got the nerve to respond to her judging me and told her I had no idea she was God and that she thrived on drama and misery. She has no idea what it was to love that she only knows war and that when things are quiet she is bored and has to be mean and find someone to argue with. 

I dealt with it since I was young. I didn't know yelling and screaming and stuff wasn't normal. I thought everyone was that aggressive. That is why I still have trouble when someone is being genuinely nice to me because I didn't grow up knowing or seeing a loving side to her and it messed my little psyche up. 

I know people like that, just sorry you had to have that as your influence.  I usually find it has to do with some sort of guilt the person is burying and thus they act out on the ones who they see as part of what made them that that way.  If only there was some way to really help you instead of constantly wishing I could do something.  Guess that's why I'm always sending you Positive Vibes...that's the only thing I can think of.

[kat (1)]

1 minute ago, TronRP said:

I know people like that, just sorry you had to have that as your influence.  I usually find it has to do with some sort of guilt the person is burying and thus they act out on the ones who they see as part of what made them that that way.  If only there was some way to really help you instead of constantly wishing I could do something.  Guess that's why I'm always sending you Positive Vibes...that's the only thing I can think of.

❤ thank you.

[TronRP]

4 minutes ago, kat said:

This is the mind fuck..I tell her I'm going back yesterday to Toledo she cries and begs me not too so I give in and I find a waitressing job today, I tell her and she kicks me out and starts tripping because I told her I was spending the night somewhere else ( I get a room as often as I can afford it)

I than tell her ok, fine, I'll go back to Ohio and than she starts apologizing again saying she's sorry and blaming something random like Idk tonight it was she didn't feel good, the rest of the time it's like she just was tired, etc.. 

I think I'd rather live in a shelter/halfway house than be treated like that. I try so hard to ignore it but if I'm not in her presence she's blowing up my phone and if I don't respond to it she starts contacting my daughter stressing her out knowing that it will cause me to respond. She is starting to screw with my kids head too. I see it.

Sounds like you need to make a clean break.  You and your kids either need to get new numbers or block hers.  You need to move as soon as humanly possible.  If you could save up money from your new job and get out would be good or see if the shelter in Toledo is able to help you get a job.  This is the worst time of the year (going into winter) to have uncertainty in living conditions. 

[kat (1)]

5 minutes ago, TronRP said:

Sounds like you need to make a clean break.  You and your kids either need to get new numbers or block hers.  You need to move as soon as humanly possible.  If you could save up money from your new job and get out would be good or see if the shelter in Toledo is able to help you get a job.  This is the worst time of the year (going into winter) to have uncertainty in living conditions. 

Yea jobs have been calling from Toledo, I found a waitressing job here but than she told me to leave and than she said don't and tomorrow will be leave you whore! 

I mean, I seriously almost took a ride too somewhere called Langhorne, PA tonight. I swear I was really ready to grab my stuff and say leave me anywhere. It's really bad. Difficult is different than something being unhealthy and intolerable. I don't want to break emotionally and have to go to a hospital. I feel trapped. It's my own fault I just don't come from a place in my life where people would even want to try and understand..you are and I appreciate you so much for listening and caring about me. Thank you, it means the world just for you to listen and try and grasp this. Shit, she bitches at her cat. I love my mother because she is my mom and noone can change that but I can't handle the situation. I had therapists tell me before how have you forgiven her? You would think she would take it as a second chance but no. She can't admit a lot and it's even more like a stab to my heart.

[TronRP]

1 hour ago, kat said:

Yea jobs have been calling from Toledo, I found a waitressing job here but than she told me to leave and than she said don't and tomorrow will be leave you whore! 

I mean, I seriously almost took a ride too somewhere called Langhorne, PA tonight. I swear I was really ready to grab my stuff and say leave me anywhere. It's really bad. Difficult is different than something being unhealthy and intolerable. I don't want to break emotionally and have to go to a hospital. I feel trapped. It's my own fault I just don't come from a place in my life where people would even want to try and understand..you are and I appreciate you so much for listening and caring about me. Thank you, it means the world just for you to listen and try and grasp this. Shit, she bitches at her cat. I love my mother because she is my mom and noone can change that but I can't handle the situation. I had therapists tell me before how have you forgiven her? You would think she would take it as a second chance but no. She can't admit a lot and it's even more like a stab to my heart.

I actually looked up Langhorne, PA.  It has a population of about 1500, but from what I saw, it's beautiful.  However, in a small town like that, everyone will know your business...just like you see on TV. 

You know I can't help but worry.  

[TronRP]

Guess I had better get to sleep since I have been summoned to meet with the boy's teacher in the morning due to his determination to fail yet another grade...

[TronRP]

I think I'm going to try to work on something everyday until I eventually get something (anything) accomplished.

[kat (1)]

I'm not this hard. No fucking way and I don't want to be. I just watched a guy smoke crack and stick his tongue out and do that nasty ass flickering thing to me and tell me oh my gf said it's cool! Holy fuck me this is some true insanity. My soul is not the severed, I'm sorry. I feel like everyone is smoking crack, the decent folk just drink all day smoke some weed...that's a good day. They make K2 laced with crack and heroin in Cherry Woods..I think it's a project here, some guy told me he wanted to see if I could take his dick...um, wait, there is so much more. I feel so sorry for everyone because we all talk about beimh crazy but this...no this is straight sad, severely sick people. I am so so sorry. People don't know another life around here. They sell drugs outside the mission, this is a whole, different culture entirely and I'm an outsider...I feel like a poser. It's like prison, that's the joke but I can see why. I am the only person here that doesn't have a criminal record or active addiction. I'm not that hardcore but they trying to test me because I'm from Detroit and everyone is either saying yea right or oh this bitch let's get her ass. Dude. I can't fuck with it.