NEWS

[Homicidalheathen]

ok this be me last post for now it hurts to laugh. Thank you Marcus Johnson, 33, of Wichita, Kansas. Oh my gawd my side hurts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RL83sUbTDiU

News of the Weird

by Chuck Shepard

Americans Fantasize, Germans Act: Two formerly well-off retired couples in Speyer, Germany, whose nest egg was largely wiped out by investments in sub-prime Florida mortgages, vented their anger by kidnapping their investment adviser, James Amburn, in June. They took him to the vacation home of one of the couples near the Austrian border, bound him like a mummy and beat and tortured him over several days, fracturing two ribs, in repeated attempts to punish him and extort his own property as partial compensation for their losses. Police rescued him after he managed to send a coded message by fax.

People With Too Much Money: (1) A resident at 48 Commonwealth Ave. in Boston's Back Bay neighborhood paid $300,000 in June for one outdoor, uncovered parking space, according to the listing agent. (2) Texas accountant Randy Reeves, 50, paid $1,500 cash in April for the dentist's mold of the upper and lower teeth of Tiny Tim, which the late singer had given to the seller.

They Get Paid for This? (1) Researchers from Cleveland State University, for a recent journal article, assessed the physical traits of 195 female characters from the first 20 James Bond films, revealing that more were brunette than blond and that at least 90 percent were young, slim and of above-average looks. (2) In June, a branch of the National Institutes of Health awarded a $423,000 grant to the Kinsey Institute to find out why men seem to prefer not to use condoms during sex. (ABC News, reporting the announcement, contacted a sex-advice blogger, who revealed, free of charge, that it's because the condom reduces sexual sensation.)

Smooth Reactions (1) Marcus Johnson, 33, of Wichita, Kan., was sentenced to 10 years in prison in May for an incident last year in which, angered by a police officer's demand to lower the volume of his car radio, Johnson immediately drove to City Hall, went up a ramp at about 45 mph, crashed through the front door and continued on through the building. (2) Robert Caton, 50, was arrested in Andover, England, in May after he drove his Rolls-Royce through the front window of a Tesco store. His wife said he had been upset to find out that the bed they had ordered did not come with a mattress.

Fine Points of the Law In May, a court in Montreal, Quebec, ordered the Cinemas Guzzo theater to pay a woman $10,000 (CDN) for violating her family's privacy during an inspection of her and her daughters' bags (searching for video equipment that could illegally record a movie). Employees found no equipment but did uncover the teenage daughter's birth control pills, which the mother and the daughter figured would have been better left unrevealed to each other.

Oops! (1) Calvin Wells beat a certain, mandatory 10-year prison term for felony possession of cocaine because the verdict form signed by the jury contained a typographical error. Wells had 100 grams, but the verdict form certified "ten one hundred (100) grams," which an Ohio appeals court ruled in June could have meant "10/100th grams," which would be a misdemeanor whose maximum time Wells had already served. (2) Retired Florida judge Rogers Padgett said in March that he is trying to undo an error he made in sentencing Kenneth Young to life without chance of parole for a series of armed robberies committed at age 14. Padgett said he thought the Florida no-parole law for kids applied only to murder and sexual assaults and never meant for Young, now 23, to be forever ineligible.

Fetishes on Parade As the U.S. House of Representatives was voting on legislation in April to expand the protections of hate-crimes law to "gender identity" and sexual orientation, Rep. Alcee Hastings of Florida publicly ridiculed a colleague (unnamed) who apparently confused homosexuals with fetishists. The colleague had proposed an amendment specifying that protection of the law would not extend to exhibitionists, pedophiles or voyeurs, as well as "apotemnophiliacs, asphyxophiliacs, autogynephiliacs, coprophiliacs, klismaphiliacs" or people who practice something called "toucherism." (The amendment failed; thus, there is, for example, no enhanced penalty for assaulting a toucherist.)

Least Competent Criminals (1) Victor Delfi was arrested and charged with robbing the Lincoln Park Savings Bank in Chicago, having tipped off authorities when he tried to deposit red-dye-stained money into his own account at another bank. (2) Marlon Moore, 39, was indicted in Miami in June in what the Internal Revenue Service said was a series of attempts to cheat the U.S. Treasury. Using several aliases, Moore allegedly requested bogus tax refunds in the amounts of $5.959 trillion, $2.975 trillion and $6 trillion. (Also, under his own name, he asked for a tax refund of $10 million.)

Undignified Deaths (1) A 34-year-old man survived a single-car rollover accident in Nelson, Calif., in May, extricating himself and walking away, but was struck and killed minutes later by an Amtrak train as he crossed railroad tracks. (2) In April in Houma, La., a 23-year-old motorist, having sideswiped a driver waiting to make a turn, drove away without stopping and was killed minutes later when he crashed into another car

[Homicidalheathen]

a few more

Curses, foiled again

Police arrested a man they said bought fake drugs with fake money. Kyle Kochelek, 21, handed an undercover officer in Unicoi County, Tenn., "obviously bad money," according to investigators, who pointed out to the Johnson City Press that some of the bills were printed on just one side.

After police arrested Elizabeth Russell, 45, and her 13-year-old daughter for shoplifting in Plainville, Conn., Daryll Russell, 47, came to the police station to bail out his wife and daughter, only to be arrested himself when a computer check turned up an outstanding warrant. The Hartford Courant reported that when son Jonathan Russell, 19, showed up to post bail for the three, police found he was wanted for violating probation and arrested him, too.

Wheeled warriors

After crashing into two vehicles and leaving the scene, then vandalizing the lobby of a church, Veronica Hollifield, 77, led police on a low-speed chase through Port Orange, Fla. The Daytona Beach News-Journal reported that the woman drove her 1999 Toyota at speeds between 10 and 15 mph, scattering pedestrians and refusing repeated demands to stop. At one point, an officer ran alongside her car and managed to open the car door and grab Hollifield's arm, but she put the car in reverse and rammed a squad car behind her before taking off. She then slammed into another police cruiser and headed down a dead-end street. An officer threw stop sticks in her path, flattening three of her tires. She continued driving until she crashed into a tree.

Nebraska state police reported that an 88-year-old man led troopers on a 40-mile chase down the wrong side of Interstate 80 at speeds between 30 mph and 70 mph. Capt. Jim Parish told the Omaha World Herald that the man just smiled and waved at troopers who pulled alongside and shined a spotlight into his minivan, yelling frantically for him to pull over. Even when they put down stop sticks that flattened his tires, he kept on going. When he did finally heed the flashing lights and stop, he wasn't drunk, just confused, Parish said, explaining that the man's wife had sent him out for dinner, and he got lost.

Building log cabins?

FairPoint Communications reported that since last fall, thieves have cut down and stolen 35 telephone poles in Oakland, Maine. FairPoint supervisor Simon Thorne explained the poles had no wires attached to them and were left behind when the company installed replacement poles next to them.

Lucky to a point

A man who lost control of his vehicle and drove off a 200-foot cliff near Los Banos, Calif., survived the rollover accident, only to be killed while trying to get help. Aria Day Fletcher, 23, a passenger in the Toyota Tundra, told California Highway Patrol investigators that the driver climbed back up to the highway, apparently to flag down assistance, when he was hit and killed by a Honda Accord.

Capital punishment

Nicholas Hernandez, 25, who was charged with felony murder after being accused of killing two people while driving drunk in Harris County, Texas, last August, died when the car he was riding in struck a pole and rolled over in February. Authorities told the Houston Chronicle that the driver of the vehicle, Jose Resendez, 27, was drinking at the time.

Angel Galvan-Hernandez, 26, pleaded guilty to raping two women in Seattle and then begged Judge Julie Spector to sentence him to be executed rather than send him to prison because he fears that he will be raped. "I prefer death a thousand times over being raped," Galvan-Hernandez said.

Plane geometry

After Australia's Jetstar airline made 350-pound Samantha Scafe pay for an extra seat "for other people's comfort because of my size," Scafe said she was assigned two seats that were not next to each other. Jetstar corporate affairs general manager Simon Westaway told the Cairns Post "an error was made in the process of booking" but said the airline's policy required Scafe to pay for both seats.

Animal magnetism

Florida wildlife managers hoping to prevent crocodiles from returning to residential neighborhoods after they have been removed began taping magnets to the animals' heads to disrupt their homing ability. "We said, 'Hey, we might as well give this a try,'" Lindsey Hord, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission's crocodile response coordinator, told Reuters. Hord explained that crocodiles are persistently territorial and will travel up to 10 miles a week to return to urban areas when biologists remove them. Since launching the experiment in January by taping "a common old laboratory magnet" to two crocodiles, Hord and his co-workers have claimed success, although they admit it "is by no means a really well-developed scientific study." One croc was run over by a car and died, but the other has yet to return.

Pay attention

Andrew Riley was listening to his iPod at home in Pomfret, Conn., when his alarm company called to tell him his house was on fire. After firefighters were summoned and quickly extinguished the blaze, which started on the upper floor of the house, Riley said he was so engrossed in his music that he hadn't smelled smoke or heard the smoke alarm go off.

Hard times worsen

Italy's fashion industry has asked the government for a bailout as demand for designer clothes and accessories has plummeted. "The Italian clothing and textile sector risks falling to pieces under the weight of the international economic crisis," Michele Tronconi, the head of Sistema Moda Italia, told Italian media. "We don't want someone to pedal for us. We know how to ride a bicycle well, but at this time a push is necessary."

Improbable cause

After Yorktown, Ind., police Officer Mike Daugherty arrested Daniel T. Doster Jr., 42, who faces charges of vicarious sexual gratification, he reported, "Daniel admitted to me that he was standing at the mailbox masturbating to show his neighbors who was boss."

[Homicidalheathen]

this vid is almost as funny as the one where he crashes the car