BEST CRAIGSLIST POSTS!

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

Since the link to mine got deleted by author, I decided to go get something else.

Check this one out, from South Carolina

"TO THE PEOPLE BUYING OR RENTING PORN AT MY STORE"

Dear Porn Purchaser,

1. I'll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless the movie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the movie doesn't play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough, didn't feature enough fucking, didn't feature enough money shots, featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussies and not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have. You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye.

2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return it with the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase the movie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring it back. This means when you return the movie, you have to have that little piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and the cover and box must be intact. It's possible, but very unlikely, that we didn't give you a receipt. It's impossible that you didn't get the packaging. That's just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, I will put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn't work. Yes, that's right. I'm college educated and I get to check porn for defects at work. My parents sure are proud.

3. Seriously, who purchases porn anymore? Have you ever heard of the internet? Well, in case you haven't, it's a magical series of tubes that gives you access to a plethora of pornography you cannot even imagine. Pornography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it's free!

4. Seriously, who rents porn anymore? Please see #3.

5. Why are you so fucking picky about your pornography? I really don't understand. It's a movie. With people fucking each other. A lot. The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section for your convenience. You can find run of the mill people fucking each other a lot movies, movies with only black people fucking each other a lot, interracial groupings fucking each other a lot, only men fucking each other a lot, only women fucking each other a lot, people fucking each other a lot and doing kinky shit at the same time, and so on. It's pretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happen in the movie pretty well. "Big Black Poles in White Holes," for instance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titles like "Giant Goo Covered Jugs," "Girls Kissing Girls," "Anal Addiction," "Big Wet Asses," "Enema Queens," and "Hairy Cooter Bonanza." Usually, you don't have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other than fucking, of course) - pornography isn't known for being demure.

6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can't tell you whether "Giant Greeze Covered Asses" is better than "Big Wet Booty Poppin' Booty." To be honest, I don't even like pornography. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you about my pornography watching habits. Please use your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you.

7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don't have a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limit your question asking. We have thousands of movies and I'm not going to look through them to help you find a movie featuring double penetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women covered in oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet. Please see #3 and 4.

8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Do you have a job? Do you do anything except watch porn? How have you not masturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously...calm down a little bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get a computer and internet access.

Thanks and have a nice day,

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

now..what gets me...is that if this guy is an ADULT STORE clerk...WHY is he complaining about people giving him BUSINESS??? Does he not like his job? Is he tired of cleaning Splooge? College Educated and working as a Porn Store clerk??

still...the rant is funny

Edited September 28, 2009 by IsleofRhodesEnt

[jynxxxedangel]

Cuz why not?

check out these two conceted arses from our own Grosse Pointe

Cook for Two Bachleors

Someone watches WAY too much MILF porn....

Hell, if I had a car, I would take these guys up on that shit!

Here's one I thought was classic..I actually copied and pasted it (as I knew it was going to be flagged), so I could mail it out to friends for a good laugh:

Personal Groomer Woman Wanted (Ferndale)

Date: 2009-09-17, 3:04PM EDT

Reply to: job-yjamr-**********@craigslist.org

I am a bit obsessive about my body hair. I don't have an overwhelming amount and its blonde, but i still dislike it when it grows long, not to mention it gets itchy. So I prefer to keep all my hair short. The problem is, it is hell trying to trim all the hard to reach places myself. It takes forever and is a huge hassle for me. I also get these long stray hairs I can't stand.

I am an attractive white male, 35 years old, athletic body, blonde/blue, freckles. I will send you a link to my facebook so you can see who the hell you are dealing with. :D

What I am looking for is an attractive lady to completely trim all of my body hair. Should take less than one hour. I have all the trimmers, etc. I am discussing trimming the hair on my entire body except for my face and head (unless you want to). This uncludes my pubic area, around my penis, and between my legs, my butt, etc. You may wear vinyl gloves during the treatment. You will come to my home in Ferndale, we will go to my upstairs bathroom. I will be clean and nude, you will be dressed however you want to be dressed. This work does not involve any sex. You will trim my hair, clean up the hair on the floor, get paid $40, and you can go. Simple as that. I am looking for someone to do this once per month, maybe more. I hope to find a regular woman I can feel comfortable with, who is professional and knows how to trim hair. If you are also good at legitimate massage, I will consider having that work done on me as well for your regular fee.

Thanks for considering this offer for honest work.

* Location: Ferndale

* Compensation: $40 cash per session

* This is a part-time job.

* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

* Please, no phone calls about this job!

* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

P.S. This ad was actually posted in the "JOBS" section. It sounds more like a personal ad, to me!

Edited September 27, 2009 by jynxxxedangel

[Homicidalheathen]

spank nasty bottom 4 $$$ this one is funny

from the rant and rave section: not so funny just dumb rant. Whats funny is that someone took the time to post it. I didn't read the whole thing. It was too stupid.

Look, some of you may not like what I'm about to say, but this is, THE TRUTH. I am not racist. I am giving my true opinion and honest evaluation and the sad thing is, most people cannot say these things out loud for fear of being a racist. I believe that we have one Earth, we need to share it, in peace and harmony. Mind your business and I'll mind mine.

Todays world has brought us to the point where people are fed up. Blacks have ruined this country, plain and simple. White people are fed up. Since the riots of the 1960's, blacks have had every opportunity to raise themselves up. They've had equal opportunity and have been on equal ground for 40 years now. If you're black and you believe otherwise, you've either been dealing drugs, having multiple babies or you've led a lifetime of crime. If you went to high school, studied, got good grades, went to college, got a job and made something of yourself, good for you, you're part of a successful system that was put in place and congratulations. I applaud you.

But, over the last 40 years, the majority of the black community has been embarrassing. You have ruined cities, metro areas and pretty much, this country, pulling it down the drain of enormous debt to supply you with welfare, child health care, law enforcement to chase you, judges to sentence you and prison guards to house you, feed you and recreate you within the penal system. BILLIONS UPON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS have been spent, every year since the 1960's. I thought, in fact, over 10 TRILLION DOLLARS have been spent over the last 40 years to house you in jail.

You have ruined entire cities, like Detroit. I could go on with a list of dozens and dozens of cities in the United States of America, but the list would basically be never ending.

You have ruined neighborhoods that were once pristine. You continue to wreak havoc upon communities and the population with horrible crimes such as armed robbery, rape, assault, car jackings and MURDER. You perpitrate THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of VIOLENT CRIMES, EACH AND EVERY SINGLE STINKING YEAR, just in one city alone, DETROIT.

Your outreach of crime has reached the suburbs and you're ruining cities and neighborhoods that White people fled to in order to get away from you. You're breaking into homes, stealing cars, robbing party stores and killing people. White people are fed up. Yes, there are alot of white trash idiots, throughout every community. But as long as they have a 12 pack of Bud Light, they pretty much stay inside their houses, listening to country music and occasionally working on their cars. Yes, white people commit crimes as well....but, we are sick and tired of blacks and their demeanor, behavior and their propensity of a lifetime of crime.

These stats alone, are MIND BLOWING:

60% dropout rate in high school! (and you wonder why you can't get jobs)

80% of children in Detroit have no father at home!

70% of the prison population is black!

OVER 6,000 VIOLENT CRIMES, JUST IN ONE CITY, DETROIT, EACH AND EVERY YEAR!

400 (or more) MURDERS each and every year, just in one city, DETROIT!

OVER 1,500 REPORTED SHOOTINGS, each and every year, just in one city, DETROIT!

AND, we are SICK AND TIRED OF SHANEEQUA HAVING 8 BABIES BY 7 DIFFRNT GUYS! (notice I fail to call them "MEN!?") (and, yes I know I spelled DIFFRNT wrong, on purpose) THE POINT IS, GET OFF OF YOUR FUCKING BACK SHANEEQUA!

(A short footnote: Did you notice how many women that were standing in that DTE ENERGY lines last week, trying to work out deals or get free electricity, who had their hair done up REAL NICE and they had bling bling dangling and their ceramic nails all done up and the brothas who had nice name brand clothing on along with the sistahs, ALL THESE THINGS COSTING HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS, YET, THEY WERE TRYING TO GET FREE ELECTRICITY or TRYING TO BARGAIN DOWN THEIR BILLS?)

made me puke....

frickin' low lifes, I swear.

now this one is funny. Look here----------->

and, let me assure everyone, that these things happening in Detroit, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, DECADE AFTER DECADE, aren't being committed by white people.

It is EMBARRASSING, AND, WHITE PEOPLE ARE FED UP. The black community conducts themselves like animals, or WORSE. Your speech, your behavior, your general conduct in public is ATROCIOUS!

If this is the way you want to live, why not go back to Africa, start up your tribe and all live together say, in Ethiopia or somewhere where we don't have to see it, we don't have to pay for it and we don't have to hear about it. You can live your gangsta life and flash your guns and shoot each other all day long in Africa, we could care less. NO ONE WOULD CARE. GO AHEAD, KILL EACH OTHER.

I believe I speak for all White People in America when I shout, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF YOU, YOUR CRIME, YOUR WAY OF LIFE AND JUST YOU IN GENERAL.

WORD.

• Location: YOU WANT THE TRUTH?
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Edited September 27, 2009 by Homicidalheathen

[jynxxxedangel]

Threadjack time.

That guy is ABSOLUTELY WRONG to think that ALL black people are like that. He is also WRONG in his thinking that it's ONLY black people who carry on that way; there are JUST AS MANY ghetto-ass WHITE PEOPLE (and Arabs, Asians, Latinos, Islanders, etc), with the same mentality, who ruin their own lives and blight their communities. People who have ever lost a loved one to violence, and especially those who have children, should keep their acts clean and STAY OUT OF THE STREETS.

I see welfare mothers and fathers EVERY DAY, of ALL colours, at the program I am currently attending, who very much resemble the nasty picture he paints. They should be more concerned with getting back on their feet-- rather than what sort of purse they carry, what clothes they have on, what car they drive, etc. I hear people kvetching about "losing their benefits" if they should so happen to obtain gainful employment. It sickens me that many of these people continue to milk the system, whilst they are living far beyond their means.

Ghetto fabulousness and advantageousness is present in ALL subspecies of mankind. This guy needs to get a grip.

Everyone can get mad at me if they want, for saying my piece, but this is my very educated point of view. I have been completely immersed into the ghetto/gansta/street rat lifestyle, and it takes having lived a certain way, to completely form an opinion.

*steps off soapbox*

Edited September 27, 2009 by jynxxxedangel

[pomba gira]

It's a good idea to copy & paste these (rather than just posting a link), since the really outrageous stuff tends to get flagged down...

And Jynxxie, that stupid fuckwit is making the common error of confusing cause & effect. Well, he's making lots of errors, obviously, but that's kind of the base one that the others derive from.

Edited September 27, 2009 by pomba gira

[jynxxxedangel]

This isn't a CL ad-- it's from Freecycle. I just HAD to share this, because it's too funny not to.

WANTED: any new/gentally used books (Novi)

Posted by: ************

Thu Oct 1, 2009 2:59 am (PDT)

Books should NOT have swearing or sexual references. All genders appericaited!

Now, was that a case of bad spelling, or a Freudian slip? Just add a well-placed "i" to "gentally," and you've got your "sexual reference."

Edited October 1, 2009 by jynxxxedangel

[pheramoans]

Morpheus? (Ann Arbor)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 2009-10-07, 10:57AM EDT

Reply to: job-nt6pq-1410421469@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bust out of the MatriX!!!

Clean Water Action is hiring and training

activists to build the next generation of

revolutionary leaders. Currently we are

working to promote clean energy and stop

dirty coal in Michigan.

Ann Arbor & Lansing locations.

Benefits, training, and great co-workers.

Monday- Friday; 2pm- 10:30pm. $375- $500/wk

Part-time also available. Call to set up an

interview.

[IsleofRhodesEnt]

Northern Alberta

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go.

My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.

The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe,

I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe

first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history.

Must be:

-physically fit.

-mentally sound.

-over the age of 18.

-a dreamer.

-a believer.

-not afraid of heights.

-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.

-brave.

-no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim.

-good eye-sight & hearing.

-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).

-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

LMFAO...a Canadian Astronaut?? whats next, Mexican pink unicorns?

[jynxxxedangel]

This ad was found in the "jobs" section. I don't even want to know what these pigs' house looks like!

Need a maid to help with laundry and getting rid of cat pee smell (Farmington)

Date: 2009-11-03, 6:32PM EST

Reply to: job-3vcbs-*****-**********@craigslist.org

I'm looking for someone who can help my boyfriend and I out with our apartment We both work full time and have not been able to keep up on our laundry and keeping our bedroom tidy.

We have cats, thefore the build up in laundry has resulted into our cats finding random spots in our room to pee in (laundry baskets, in the closet, on our clothes). We don't have enough time a day to wash all the clothes, locate all the pee spots, and deoderize them to prevent the kitties from doing it all over again.

I basically need someone who is knowledgable in getting cat pee smells out and is willing to do so as well as the laundry and some other things around the apartment.

Looking for a one time weekend helper to put us on the right track.

* Location: Farmington

* Compensation: $100-$200

I have a GREAT suggestion-- change the fucking cat litter, every once in awhile...and KEEP YOUR BEDROOM DOOR SHUT!

Edited November 5, 2009 by jynxxxedangel

[GothicRavenGoddess (3)]

Wanted-- babysitter for druggies (ann arbor)

Date: 2009-12-04, 11:59PM EST

My boyfriend and I like to experiment with various recreational chemicals, but sometimes when we're coming down (like now) we don't want to go out, but we really really really want some sort of obscure, horrible fast food item. We used to have a friend that would bring us stuff and not expect much in return, but he moved away. We would like a replacement for him. We don't want to DO drugs with you, but we are perfectly willing to hook you up or bake you cookies (when we're sober) or listen to you whine about how no girls like you (as our old Tender of the Druggies did). We don't want you to stay overly long, either. Bring us stuff, chill for maybe fifteen minutes (longer if we aren't obviously exchanging looks or hinting about how tired we are or how NO WE DO NOT WANT A CUDDLE THREESOME), be on your way. We are chill people and really would like to be your friend, but this works better if you are some sort of unlikable loser, eager to please and be accepted, have lots of spare time and few friends, and are socially retarded in some other manner-- thus you are fine with an abusive, exploitative relationship of you fetching us NOMS.

Anyway, hunger is becoming a serious problem after all this 2c-i so we are off to fix that. Please let us know if you would like to assist us with this endeavor in the future. We are conveniently located in downtown Ann Arbor.

Nacah is Hebrew.... for adventure.

* Location: ann arbor

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1495706618

I am not making this shit up. Here's the link, before its flagged: Clicky