What do you consider cheating?

[torn asunder]

Actually, I got that that's what you meant, since that's exactly what you said. What I'm saying is that I don't understand how him being with another guy is any different than him being with another girl.

I have a feeling he doesn't see any difference between you being with another guy and you being with another girl.

well, i have to disagree - i've dated a girl before who was bi (hi! *waves to her*), and it wouldn't have bothered me one bit if she had a girlfriend, yet it did make me uncomfortable to think of her being with another guy (even though it was ok). it has to do with the perceived "threat" level, i think. not hard to understand at all, from my perspective...

[TheOsakaKoneko]

well, i have to disagree - i've dated a girl before who was bi (hi! *waves to her*), and it wouldn't have bothered me one bit if she had a girlfriend, yet it did make me uncomfortable to think of her being with another guy (even though it was ok). it has to do with the perceived "threat" level, i think. not hard to understand at all, from my perspective...

But the point isn't that "obviously everyone would think of being with another girl and being with another guy as the same" - that's not the case. Everyone is different - I think that's most of what this whole thread is about at this point! It's more that...can you also not understand how anyone could perceive them as the same? If I was dating someone and he went with another guy or with another girl, either way I'd feel betrayed and that it was cheating. If I were bi, I would feel the same about going with another girl as with another guy, that is was cheating. If my boyfriend was cool with it and knew, then it's not cheating, but if he doesn't, it is. For either another girl or guy - is the relationship open or isn't it.

I can appreciate that you feel differently about it. There's no wrong or right. I'm just saying I understand her boyfriend's pov, and I am surprised that anyone would be surprised at it (inc the girlfriend). I think considering it cheating is closer to the status quo than not.

Edited October 9, 2009 by TheOsakaKoneko

[Tacohitts]

90% of society is dishonest.esp in the U.S. go figure.

[pomba gira]

I agree with most of what Chernobyl said, especially:

As people are straying away from organized religion morals are going by the wayside, quite honestly, the only reason cheating morals really exist is because of these old school ways of religion, it's a leftover from the past and you can't expect everyone to live in the past. In nature, monogamous relationships really do not work and aren't natural, and quite honestly they are not natural to humans either, so anyone in a monogamous relationship could be considered a bit of a prude :.

Personally, from an evolutionary standpoint looking at the behaviors of other primates (bonobos in particular) humans are formatted for open, swinging, type relationships where there is one or two favorite partners and then more who you fuck around with. Personally I don't think it means you don't love the other person, you love them so much that you trust them to still be your main squeeze when all is said and done .

Also, from your post you seem to expect A LOT out of men, like a knight in shining armor type deal, but in men under 40 chivalry is dead usually, it went away when we wanted rights and to be treated equal. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. You seem to have too negative of a view of men hence why you are probably also seem to attract negative men, it's almost like you're trying to prove a point, and you keep finding men that reinforce that point. It's probably not something you do on purpose, it seems like it may seem like a subconscious type thing, but the red flags around this is that you said that many of these guys came from CC. Knowing it's reputation why try to get guys from there? After hearing the stories and dating one, maybe TWO, expecting what you're expecting I'd be like "ehhh...pass on those guys from now on."

Keep doing your thing, ask all the right questions, look all the right places, hold a four leaf clover for luck, and you'll get a guy who wants to be exclusive. But in order to not watch internet porn? GodDAMN. That's tough. I'd break up with a dude if he was so jealous he told me I couldn't watch some smut, so I will say that's a bit strict, but again, imo. So with EXTREMELY strict standards such as this, the search MAY take a bit longer than with most people because you require criteria that's a bit harder than others, so you need to understand this also.

Other factors in the decline of enforced monogamy (or at least in unquestioned acceptance of it as the norm): sexuality is not tied to reproduction any longer, and the property inheritance issues that made monogamy desirable (and drove the whole double standard thing) don't really exist in today's world.

And I agree with OsakaKoneko... most men are not as obsessed with physical "perfection" as most women think (well, most men past their early 20s, anyway). One mistake women make in this area is thinking "If he finds Suzy Q attractive, he must not think I'm attractive because Suzy Q and I are totally different types". Which is like saying a person can only like one style of art, or music, or food.

I'm bi-sexual, and the guy I'm currently with sees me bieing with a girl as cheating. I do not see the problem with being with a girl. It's not like I can get pregnant, or that I'm sleeping with anthoer guy. But I do respect his wishes, and only be with him. But I would like to know if anyone could explain how people see that as cheating to me.

I tend to feel the same way as your sweetie... sex is sex, with all it comes tied up with, no matter who you're doing it with. To me, "sex with the opposite gender is cheating but sex with the same gender isn't" makes just as little sense as "intercourse is cheating but oral sex isn't". Cheating is a function of the emotional component of sex, not just the physical.

[creatureofthenyte]

The more I read this thread, the more relieved to be single I feel

[scyko_kitty]

I agree with most of what Chernobyl said, especially:

Other factors in the decline of enforced monogamy (or at least in unquestioned acceptance of it as the norm): sexuality is not tied to reproduction any longer, and the property inheritance issues that made monogamy desirable (and drove the whole double standard thing) don't really exist in today's world.

And I agree with OsakaKoneko... most men are not as obsessed with physical "perfection" as most women think (well, most men past their early 20s, anyway). One mistake women make in this area is thinking "If he finds Suzy Q attractive, he must not think I'm attractive because Suzy Q and I are totally different types". Which is like saying a person can only like one style of art, or music, or food.

I tend to feel the same way as your sweetie... sex is sex, with all it comes tied up with, no matter who you're doing it with. To me, "sex with the opposite gender is cheating but sex with the same gender isn't" makes just as little sense as "intercourse is cheating but oral sex isn't". Cheating is a function of the emotional component of sex, not just the physical.

Yeah I guess thats just something i'm going to have to get used to really. I so used to being allowed to do as I please to a point. I guess he actully cares about me unlike all my ex's

[Mean Salley]

*swoon*

Reading this makes me want to eat your brains.

Sooooo, what you're trying to tell me is... that you're... not... a vegetarian?

You have to defeat me in combat first.

[Oh_My_Goth]

And OH_MY_GOTH.....dude, you are more patient than I. The one I'm with danced with another chic at CC one night without me there and I flipped. FLIPPED.

Sometimes I wish I was more relaxed, but when you give an inch.....you know the rest.

It came with years of experience..

Don't get Me wrong.. I can only be pushed so far before I go all mid-evil on my partner... & Trust Me they don't want that.. I may be a sweet fluffy bunny most times, but once I am pushed over the edge all hell breaks loose

[jynxxxedangel]

The more I read this thread, the more relieved to be single I feel

The more I read this thread, the more relieved I am to be on the exact same page with the man I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with. I guess we are oddballs, as opposed to many others in our circle of friends. We actually cherish the feeling of desiring only one person in the entire world. I can't even imagine being physically intimate with any other person, and I know he feels the same.

I didn't always have this point of view, in past relationships. Of course, I hadn't yet met anyone who was worthy of my undivided attention. Sometimes, monogamy will just grow on you.

[TygerLili]

I've never understood the whole "It's not cheating if you're with a member of your own sex" argument. Most of the people I've encountered this with have been guys. If your girlfriend is bisexual then she could just as easily leave you for another woman as she could for another man, and vice versa. A same-sex hook-up can cause just as much emotional turmoil in a relationship as a heterosexual hook-up. If you and your partner both agree that it's fine for one or both parties to be with others of their own gender, then that's fine, but I find it offensive when people generalize that it's less of a threat for your girlfriend to hook up with another girl than another guy, or for your boyfriend to hook up with another man than another woman.

Back to the original point, you may find that your views on this change the longer you are with someone. In the beginning of my relationship, I was more strict about what bothered me in regard to my boyfriend interacting with members of the opposite sex. After we got to know and trust each other more, and, in my particular case, after necessity caused us to be separated for almost 2 years, we both loosened up on worrying about those things. That's not to say I don't feel a twitch of jealousy every now and then, but I trust my partner, and I know not to get all worked up over it.

[Oh_My_Goth]

I've never understood the whole "It's not cheating if you're with a member of your own sex" argument. Most of the people I've encountered this with have been guys. If your girlfriend is bisexual then she could just as easily leave you for another woman as she could for another man, and vice versa. A same-sex hook-up can cause just as much emotional turmoil in a relationship as a heterosexual hook-up. If you and your partner both agree that it's fine for one or both parties to be with others of their own gender, then that's fine, but I find it offensive when people generalize that it's less of a threat for your girlfriend to hook up with another girl than another guy, or for your boyfriend to hook up with another man than another woman.

Back to the original point, you may find that your views on this change the longer you are with someone. In the beginning of my relationship, I was more strict about what bothered me in regard to my boyfriend interacting with members of the opposite sex. After we got to know and trust each other more, and, in my particular case, after necessity caused us to be separated for almost 2 years, we both loosened up on worrying about those things. That's not to say I don't feel a twitch of jealousy every now and then, but I trust my partner, and I know not to get all worked up over it.

I hear ya on the same sex thing.. Cheating is cheating 'PERIOD'

[torn asunder]

I hear ya on the same sex thing.. Cheating is cheating 'PERIOD'

only if you define it as such...

[Destroit]

I've never understood the whole "It's not cheating if you're with a member of your own sex" argument. Most of the people I've encountered this with have been guys. If your girlfriend is bisexual then she could just as easily leave you for another woman as she could for another man, and vice versa. A same-sex hook-up can cause just as much emotional turmoil in a relationship as a heterosexual hook-up. If you and your partner both agree that it's fine for one or both parties to be with others of their own gender, then that's fine, but I find it offensive when people generalize that it's less of a threat for your girlfriend to hook up with another girl than another guy, or for your boyfriend to hook up with another man than another woman.

+1000 logic points.

The other thing is that some girls don't get it becaus they think "well doesn't the guy think this is hot?" and for the record, no, not all guys are into watching lesbos either, so you might as well be cheating on them with a dude.

[FortisLombardi]

Anything that gets you hard or wet with someone who's not your bf/gf/spouse. At least, that's what my exwife said in court.

Edited October 17, 2009 by FortisLombardi

[EAF (1)]

I agree with the list and don't feel it is prudent at all to have a certain standard when it comes to being with someone. Me and my b/f are on the same page with this thankfully, just like anything else though I strongly recomend that everyone always talks about what they expect in a relationship head on...so you learn if there is a problem early. My personal standards are very high when it comes to this because I personally don't want to put up with the crap some people try to pull. Anthing without permission can be cheating. Even some things people would not count as cheating still make me jeouluse and I make sure my b/f knows what those things are and how they can be handled without me getting upset.

[Marmee_Noir]

I'm a tyrant when it comes to the issue of cheating... I don't budge an inch! And it is known! Along with the cheating classics, kissing, sex, etc..... I don't tolerate people in general... If the person is trashy and knew you were in a relationship and still cheated with you, well then they don't have a place as your friend while we're in a relationship.... I demand to be put first, as I put Jeremy first, and well it works well for us....