anxiety, shyness, alter-egos...

[Raev]

A few threads have mentioned anxiety and shyness. I held a conversation with an Oblivion performer about putting on an altar-ego. We talked about what happens when the "other" personality takes control, becomes the primary personality. So I thought I'd share a rambling I did to clear my own head, my own thoughts, get my mind straight...and see if anyone wished to talk on the subject matter.

(warning, this was originally not meant to be publicly read and is entirely about me. You've been warned)

Some of you know me. Some don't. Some used to. A few of you even know what I mean by "consumed by Raev".

I used to be such a shy kid. You remember the kid at school? The one who looked like he was starving? That he hated life, even as a child? That was afraid to speak for fear of the inevitable slap? That was rumored to have been sexually abused for years? That was me. Hi. I was Jonathan.

Fast forward a few years. Take all the repressed things that built up for years. Add booze. Add drugs. Add a sense of desperation. Then have a street gang try to kill that person. That was me. That was Jonathan. That was when I was 16 years old, weeks before my 17th bday.

The death of Jonathan started that night. I never was the same. I had a hard time coping with life. According to my last shrink that I saw for years, I suffered from a laundry list of things - including post traumatic stress disorder.

21 years old, Raev was first born. I started taking to writing short stories, creating characters for them...each character was an aspect of me. I'd pick a trait of mine, exaggerate it and that was what drove that character. It was how I began to teach myself how to cope with a world that had tried to break me my entire life.

Raev.

A focusing on anger but written as always being calm. To me, Raev was an entity that lived by his own code of honor. Who had his own sense of right and wrong. A man who was known but always stood alone. A little dark, a little rough around the edges, always the first to be willing to fight...but always talked like a gentleman...never raised his voice. Calm and collected, even in the face of death. A man who would hold the doors open for people, on his way to kill someone else. Yes, that happened in one of the short stories.

I focused more of my attention on Raev than any of my other characters. A few variations of the name exist but that was the primary that I've kept going back to. Everything I wished I was strong enough to be, is what I wrote Raev to be.

Then came the tumor. Before it, I was anger personified. I wasn't always a good person. After it, I didn't see life the same. I began to cherish the moments of life. Live for the individual moments in life. Instead of worry about that I couldn't control, I rolled with the punches - just happy to have another shot at life. In love with life. Filled with a passion for it and a passion for people in it.

I began to become Raev.

Another year went by, a hermit, inside of my home and locked inside of my own head. Then I emerged. The mohawk of my youth was back. I didn't fear anyone, because I survived worse than any one man could do. A wild laugh and sinister grin. Happy to draw every breath and refusing to ever let anyone put me into the position again, where I had to be afraid to talk. I survived it all. I came out the other side, born of fire. Refusing to be pushed. Refusing to victimize those who did not deserve it. Refusing to forget the cold sting of desperation and the longing for death. Realizing that everyone had a story..and that the only thing that got me through mine, was a few *moments* in life, where someone offered me their hand. So I offer my hand to all souls that I can...and offering my fist to those who dared to force their will on others, in ways that were not welcome.

It was a good skin. It felt real. It felt good. It felt like everything I always wanted it to be. I realized I had become a man who lived by his own code. His own moral compass. Who will open his car door for someone getting in, holds the door to a building for anyone who happens to be entering, says please and thank you and genuinely appreciates the smallest acts of kindness......and a man very willing to stand and fight, no matter the consequences - for something that seemed right. A man who looks for the thrills in life, wanting to be able to say "it was a good life" the next time he is on his death bed. After a few very close calls, chances are - the next one will be the final one. A man who expects to die, every day that he rises.

So I started using the name Raev for myself, some time back. I now find that it fits me better than my name of birth. Jonathan. I see pictures of me as a child and can't remember the moments anymore. The majority of it is gone in my memory.

Then a week ago, something happened. In a crowd...darkly lit and loud....I heard a voice.

"Raev?"

I spun, shocked at the unfamiliar voice. It was coming from an unfamiliar face.

"You are Raev, aren't you?"

I nodded. I took her hand by the fingertips, delicately shaking her hand as if she were a lady in fine dress at a formal ball, ignoring the combat boots and leather.

"Yes, I am"

"I thought so. I wondered if I'd actually meet you!"

Words that have stuck in my head now for a week. I think back. Bars. Concerts. Clubs. Entertainment Groups. Internet. Side jobs. Bands. I added it up the other day. Thousands of people over the years now have seen my face, my look and only heard my name to be "Raev".

I still don't know why she was so excited to meet me. It was humbling. Confusing. Perhaps just name familiarity? I must remember to ask one day...

...but it seems I became the character that I once wrote. Everything I hoped to be, I became somewhere along the line.

I am Raev. Jonathan was weak, Jonathan was afraid, Jonathan was beaten bloody and taught that his life was meaningless, by those very people who had the job of raising and protecting him. Jonathan died. Raev, survived.

[jynxxxedangel]

I despise the name that I have to sign upon every legal document. That is NOT me, anymore.

Jynxxx is my true name. She is a survivor, and she is strong. The other person died somewhere by the wayside.

[MinaRose]

I despise the name that I have to sign upon every legal document. That is NOT me, anymore.

Jynxxx is my true name. She is a survivor, and she is strong. The other person died somewhere by the wayside.

(((hugs)))

[creatureofthenyte]

This is a great thread. I identify with it kind of.

[Head Wreck]

I am both.

people know me a wreckie. grinning, sometime giggling, sometimes stomping around like the main charecter from carry on screaming.

then theres Chris.

allways worrying, wondering how to get the balance of time right

[bean]

Great thread.

I joined this board in 2005, when things were pretty fucked up in my life and I was at the beginning of the worst part of my alcoholism. bean water became my new identity - the drunk me finally had a name.

I was introverted, shy, sullen, anxious, distrustful of others. At the time, I was also very broken and beat down.

bean water was extroverted, friendly, the life of the party, and no one would beat her down or break her.

For awhile, I really liked bean water. She was who I wished she could be.

bean water consumed me until I no longer was anyone else. And that was ruining my life. bean water made some awful decisions which led to some pretty terrible things.

Then, in 2007 I got sober. There are so many reasons that led me to that, but I won't get into them now. I reemerged, and bean water went away.

Now, the name makes me cringe sometimes because it just reminds me of those days when I was out of control, loud, and obnoxious. That's not me anymore, and I don't care to be that person again, but, I've kept that name on here as a reminder to never go back.

Edited November 13, 2009 by bean water

[Oh_My_Goth]

I a few different persona's..

The most extroverted one would be Venus.. That is Me stage name... I rarely see her anymore, I guess it's because I am too busy being a responsible grown up

[Homicidalheathen]

Raev

thanks for sharing.

I too left my weak lil self behind somewhere in early adult hood...I was on the run and took on a assumed name complete with fake ss number, the works.

It helped for awhile...but I still have to deal with the abused little kid. I still have issues of self assertion at times.

but being crystal (my stage name at the time and fake id) helped me be an outgoing independant adult that didn't take crap.

[jynxxxedangel]

Great thread.

I joined this board in 2005, when things were pretty fucked up in my life and I was at the beginning of the worst part of my alcoholism. bean water became my new identity - the drunk me finally had a name.

I was introverted, shy, sullen, anxious, distrustful of others. At the time, I was also very broken and beat down.

bean water was extroverted, friendly, the life of the party, and no one would beat her down or break her.

For awhile, I really liked bean water. She was who I wished she could be.

bean water consumed me until I no longer was anyone else. And that was ruining my life. bean water made some awful decisions which led to some pretty terrible things.

Then, in 2007 I got sober. There are so many reasons that led me to that, but I won't get into them now. I reemerged, and bean water went away.

Now, the name makes me cringe sometimes because it just reminds me of those days when I was out of control, loud, and obnoxious. That's not me anymore, and I don't care to be that person again, but, I've kept that name on here as a reminder to never go back.

What would you prefer to be called? You can reply in a PM...as can anyone else. I know what it's like, being called something you are no longer..

[AstralCrux]

My alter egos don't have their own names... I am the person that you think I am, but I'm that for everyone. So, truly I'm not.

I literally have a different persona for every aspect of my life. There are multiple personas for friends, depends on which group I catagorize you in as to which one you get to see. I rarely let anyone see more than 2-3 versions of me. It's quite true that no one will ever really know me.

[Slogo]

since july, i don't know

[bean]

What would you prefer to be called? You can reply in a PM...as can anyone else. I know what it's like, being called something you are no longer..

I very much like "bean" or "beanie." It doesn't have the same feeling as bean water. I feel that it is more me.

I rarely share my real name with people only because someone might accidentally post it on here. The exception obviously is that my real first name is on Facebook.

Edited November 16, 2009 by bean water

[Lillylu29]

since july, i don't know

Thoe you have a long journey ahead of you... sir you have come a long way!

Edited November 23, 2009 by Lillylu29

[Scales]

I wasn't sure how to answer this so I guess with more of a summary. After being enculturated, I was a timid, Baptist Christian.

Now I've partly become a dark-clad, anti-dogmatic, critical-thinking mystic: much more weathered and much more passionate. I would say I'm still just Charles though the name is detached from me. I also think of my identity in no difference from anyone else, as the unnameable moment itself, since I think nothing is excluded from being identified with the moment.

Edited November 14, 2009 by Scales

[Simon Bar Sinister]

i'm just me, everywhere i go.

unless i have a guitar in my hands. then the music which is always pouring in starts pouring through. it changes me, thought i don't know exactly how.

...i like that - i should use it in a song.

[Raev]

Thank you for the kind words on this rambling of mine. I've enjoyed reading each reply, each PM, hearing the words spoken into my ear at City. I find a strange gratitude and satisfaction in hearing how many people can relate.