relationships and children

[Raev]

After discussing things of this nature with another DGNer, I find myself wondering about general consensus again.

I ask a lot of these relationship style questions.....

Could you be in a relationship with somebody who has a kid already?

Is this still a stigma?

I think it is. At one point in my life; I encountered a woman that I loved being around, loved being around me, had a fun sex life and could talk all day every day and not get bored. Reason we never dated? She couldn't get over the fact that I have a daughter. I've encountered that a few times. Person I was talking to said she has encountered the same thing. So I find myself wondering...

...is it the norm, to not be willing to date someone with a kid?

Could/would YOU be able to do it?

[Oh_My_Goth]

I believe jealousy has allot to do with it.. Having a child with someone is the ultimate display of connection and most people can't handle not being 'the one' who makes that connection with you.. There is this 'second best' thing hanging over their heads.

And then their is the people that don't want 'the hassle' or the responsibility.

Meself.. I would gladly date someone with kids.. I married someone with one.

[Draco1958]

I dated a lady with 4 kids. Only reason it didn't work out was because I realized she used people, financially and emotionally and would dump her kids on them to go play bingo. I had no issue with her having the kids. I got along with them quite well. And I think it's more than a connection thing. Some people don't want to be a surrogate parent and may think that dating someone with a child means that is expected of them.

[Msterbeau]

Some people want unencumbered lives. They know this from early on and never want children in their lives. When they communicate this, it makes it easy for us with children not to get involved because they have clearly communicated their wishes. There's nothing wrong with it. Just like some people are not monogamous or some people dislike peanut butter. It is what it is. I don't think there are a whole lot of people like this. There are other people, though, that don't want to date someone with kids because they're afraid of the responsibilities or their afraid to deal with the ex's and other family that generally comes along with parents who have split. Kinda sad, but again, nothing you can do. I think you will find that as you date older or more mature people, you will find them more willing to accept that you have a chid and embrace that. I think the "stigma" you refer to is not a stigma at all but the sign of how mentally unhealthy so many people are that they won't consider a relationship with you because you have a child.

I will say for myself, I've dated women both with and without children. Dating those without means things tend to be simpler in terms of scheduling and free time but some lack the understanding that another parent will have with respect to issues concerning parenting.

[Draco1958]

Some people want unencumbered lives. They know this from early on and never want children in their lives. When they communicate this, it makes it easy for us with children not to get involved because they have clearly communicated their wishes. There's nothing wrong with it. Just like some people are not monogamous or some people dislike peanut butter. It is what it is. I don't think there are a whole lot of people like this. There are other people, though, that don't want to date someone with kids because they're afraid of the responsibilities or their afraid to deal with the ex's and other family that generally comes along with parents who have split. Kinda sad, but again, nothing you can do. I think you will find that as you date older or more mature people, you will find them more willing to accept that you have a chid and embrace that. I think the "stigma" you refer to is not a stigma at all but the sign of how mentally unhealthy so many people are that they won't consider a relationship with you because you have a child.

I will say for myself, I've dated women both with and without children. Dating those without means things tend to be simpler in terms of scheduling and free time but some lack the understanding that another parent will have with respect to issues concerning parenting.

+1

[Lillylu29]

I have been turn down many times and was told it was due to the fact I have kids, and a few other reasons. I know there is nothing I can do about it To each there own. But it still dont mean It dont hurt. I have to admit it sometimes feels like im being punished for haveing a past.

I had my kids young the first at 18. They are pretty much old enough to watch themselves now so spending time with someone isnt an issue. I think some people are very close minded, and it hurts....

[LittleMissLuckyCunt (1)]

I agree about the jealousy thing, i have known a lot of people that have gotten turned down for the simple fact that they have kids and other reasons was because of the bond with kids and they're parents, and knowing the fact that the other has to deal with his or her ex for 18 years. I myself can date some one with a kid [ which I am ] but I think its because I have one and I know what its like and what the bond is like? Most people though, don't really mind I don't think.

[creatureofthenyte]

I've done it.

More then once.

The first time, it was like playing house. I was paying for a lot of things for her kids.

She was the one girl that cheated on me, so that was short lived.

The second time, the girl had 1 kid. Kid was a juvenile delinquent. That didn't last long either.

I think if you date a single parent, that it is a Major endeavor.

It certainly can add a lot of complication to things.

I can't really speak to whether or not I would date another single parent, I can't even say if I'm ever going to date again.

If I were deciding based on prior experience, I would say hell no.

I'm just going to leave that up in the air, and see what life brings.

[KatRN05]

I think if someone cannot handle the fact that you have a child from a previous relationship, well I guess they aren't for you. I agree with OMG that it has a lot to do with jealousy. Would I date someone with a kid? Sure.

Edited December 27, 2009 by KatRN05

[Nate Kriepp]

As a single parent, I'm always grateful if somebody is upfront about not being able to date someone with kids. That said, it's still a juggling act.

So yeah, us single parents prefer to be told upfront if it's a problem. And even when it's not a problem, it still takes somebody made of some stern stuff to roll with the punches.

The single most painful thing that ever happened to me is that a woman I was engaged to cheated on me for several months. Among other issues that came up as we tried to work it out was a lack of spontaneity on my part. Which left me feeling like complete shit because I thought I was doing a great balancing act being both a partner and a parent. Of course she also turned out to be a complete commitmentphobe, but that's another thread entirely.

I did learn that I'm completely incapable of forgiving that kind of transgression. That's something, right?

[kat (1)]

I have two children and if someone had a problem with dating me because I am a parent, well than, fuck them anyway. That just means they were not right for you from the start.

Edited December 27, 2009 by kat

[KatRN05]

I have two children and if someone had a problem with dating me because I am a parent, well than, fuck them anyway.

Agree.

[bean]

I have known a few people that have dated/married people who have children, so my response comes from their experiences.

Taking on someone's child is a huge thing to take on. This child is not yours, and will never be yours. You are the third wheel, so to speak, in parent land. The biological mother and father get all the say, and your occasional input. BUT, what input you give and how you give it must be done in an extremely careful way, otherwise, your partner, the biological parent, could be hurt or offended by what you tell them. There will be arguments because of and about the child. Some thoughts about your partner's child should be kept to yourself, because sharing them will only cause unnecessary problems and hurt feelings. You partner will never completely understand some of your feelings, and you won't completely understand some of theirs. In many cases, you have to deal with your partner's ex, or the how the ex's actions affect your partner. There is an adjustment period. You're having a child thrown at you that you did not get to grow with and bond with from birth. That takes some time (the bonding). You will have hurt feelings from time to time. There may be personality traits of the child that come from the ex that you are none too fond of, but you need to see past them and pay attention to the good things about the kid, which can be difficult at times. Sometimes, the child doesn't particularly like you, or they refuse to listen to you because "you're not my mom/dad". You and your partner may have different parenting styles than the ex, so whenever you have time with the child, you are cleaning up the ex's mess, only for it to be undone when that child goes back to the ex. That can be frustrating. Sometimes you are just a helpless bystander in the whole situation. Sometimes you want to scream. Sometimes your eye twitches. Most of the time, you have no fucking clue what you are doing, you're pretty sure you're just messing everything up, and you feel like the best thing to do for everyone involved is to just leave the situation, move to South America and change your identity.

The unit (your partner, his/her child, and you) is very delicate. You can't just dive in and start swimming. You have to tip-toe in very slowly.

I understand that some of these things happen with biological children, but it's different when it's not your child. A couple of people I know have biological children in addition to their partner's child, and they tell me that it is much easier to deal with certain things from their own children, and that they have less tolerance for those same things from their partner's child.

So, I don't think it's a stigma thing. I think it's more of a fear of being able to take on something so huge. Some people know that they can't deal with it.

Edited December 27, 2009 by bean

[Nate Kriepp]

Bean, don't delete it. You sum up the concept that being a step parent (a good step parent) is the hardest job around.

[Gauge]

i think that unless both partys are ready for a serious commitment a child should not even be brought into the situation. theres to many things children have to deal with once a parent is seperated from the other and i dont think just throwing them into a new parental relationship right away is healthy at all. that being said i have no problem with dating others with children.

[bean]

Bean, don't delete it. You sum up the concept that being a step parent (a good step parent) is the hardest job around.

Thanks. I just re-read what I wrote and decided to keep it.

[Reaper]

Personally I don't mind dating someone with kids. Its the part where they don't make any time for you because they are so consumed with their kids. Its great that kids are #1 to you, but you also need time for yourself if you want to have a relationship with someone. Walked away from a couple of those scenarios.

[TygerLili]

First, I have never dated anyone with kids, and now I am with someone who I plan to spend my life with, who does not have kids, so anything I say here is purely hypothetical.

Second, I don't understand why those with children get so hostile toward people who don't want to date someone with children. Everyone has certain qualities that they want and don't want in a partner. Not wanting to date some one with children is no different than not wanting to date someone because they're a workaholic, or because they're a slacker, or because they haven't been to college, or because they don't like to go to bars, or because they smoke, or a million other things people do. None of these traits make you a bad person, it just means that you won't be compatible with some people.

I, personally, would strongly prefer to date someone who does not have any children. I don't have kids and I don't want them. I am a bit selfish and I know it, and I am not ready to stop doing things the way that I want to do them. I don't want to be responsible for anything other than my cats and myself. Therefore, I don't think I could be a good step parent a good step parent and still be true to myself. I grew up with divorced parents and I hated the guy that my mom dated with a passion, and I'm sure part of my desire to not date someone with children stems from an unconscious desire to never want to be like him.

I won't say that I would never date anyone with kids, but I would have to be compatible with that person in just about everything else, for me to make that big of a change in my life. Then it would depend totally on the situation and the personalities of the person I was dating, and that of their child(ren).

[bean]

----

Edited January 20, 2010 by bean

[Eevee]

I believe that if I found someone I connected with THAT well who had a kid...I could get over the fact. I am still rather young currently, though...so I suppose that opinion could change. There's a lot of jealousy that could arise along with the stress of the child accepting or liking me in return.

But I don't think it would too big of a deal.

[Draco1958]

First, I have never dated anyone with kids, and now I am with someone who I plan to spend my life with, who does not have kids, so anything I say here is purely hypothetical.

Second, I don't understand why those with children get so hostile toward people who don't want to date someone with children. Everyone has certain qualities that they want and don't want in a partner. Not wanting to date some one with children is no different than not wanting to date someone because they're a workaholic, or because they're a slacker, or because they haven't been to college, or because they don't like to go to bars, or because they smoke, or a million other things people do. None of these traits make you a bad person, it just means that you won't be compatible with some people.

I, personally, would strongly prefer to date someone who does not have any children. I don't have kids and I don't want them. I am a bit selfish and I know it, and I am not ready to stop doing things the way that I want to do them. I don't want to be responsible for anything other than my cats and myself. Therefore, I don't think I could be a good step parent a good step parent and still be true to myself. I grew up with divorced parents and I hated the guy that my mom dated with a passion, and I'm sure part of my desire to not date someone with children stems from an unconscious desire to never want to be like him.

I won't say that I would never date anyone with kids, but I would have to be compatible with that person in just about everything else, for me to make that big of a change in my life. Then it would depend totally on the situation and the personalities of the person I was dating, and that of their child(ren).

+2 for honesty

[Draco1958]

I have known a few people that have dated/married people who have children, so my response comes from their experiences.

Taking on someone's child is a huge thing to take on. This child is not yours, and will never be yours. You are the third wheel, so to speak, in parent land. The biological mother and father get all the say, and your occasional input. BUT, what input you give and how you give it must be done in an extremely careful way, otherwise, your partner, the biological parent, could be hurt or offended by what you tell them. There will be arguments because of and about the child. Some thoughts about your partner's child should be kept to yourself, because sharing them will only cause unnecessary problems and hurt feelings. You partner will never completely understand some of your feelings, and you won't completely understand some of theirs. In many cases, you have to deal with your partner's ex, or the how the ex's actions affect your partner. There is an adjustment period. You're having a child thrown at you that you did not get to grow with and bond with from birth. That takes some time (the bonding). You will have hurt feelings from time to time. There may be personality traits of the child that come from the ex that you are none too fond of, but you need to see past them and pay attention to the good things about the kid, which can be difficult at times. Sometimes, the child doesn't particularly like you, or they refuse to listen to you because "you're not my mom/dad". You and your partner may have different parenting styles than the ex, so whenever you have time with the child, you are cleaning up the ex's mess, only for it to be undone when that child goes back to the ex. That can be frustrating. Sometimes you are just a helpless bystander in the whole situation. Sometimes you want to scream. Sometimes your eye twitches. Most of the time, you have no fucking clue what you are doing, you're pretty sure you're just messing everything up, and you feel like the best thing to do for everyone involved is to just leave the situation, move to South America and change your identity.

The unit (your partner, his/her child, and you) is very delicate. You can't just dive in and start swimming. You have to tip-toe in very slowly.

I understand that some of these things happen with biological children, but it's different when it's not your child. A couple of people I know have biological children in addition to their partner's child, and they tell me that it is much easier to deal with certain things from their own children, and that they have less tolerance for those same things from their partner's child.

So, I don't think it's a stigma thing. I think it's more of a fear of being able to take on something so huge. Some people know that they can't deal with it.

+1

[TheLordOfSins]

I've never actually dated someone with a kid. I almost did very early last year, but nothing ever happened with that relationship. children don't bother me though and being that I consider my Step Father my Father, I know what it's like to grow up with someone who's not my parent.

[Rev.Reverence]

.

I did learn that I'm completely incapable of forgiving that kind of transgression. That's something, right?

You got it man...if SOMETHING is learned; it was not a waste.

...would I date someone with a child...yup; since I have one (well, two, but never mind)...

Kudos to all the 'confirmed-aunts-&-unkles' out there...I LOVE YOUS!

It takes a village to raise a child, & you guys are the bridge between teens & their parents...just remember that...I'll need you ALL, in about 8-10 years

[Homicidalheathen]

Personally got lucky, I married someone with a teen boy at home...that part was kinda hard...he didn't want to listen when I told him not to drink to much or light fires...or steal cars...ect...ect....but we made it through.

He is now one of my best friends. I love the kid. And HIS kids.

My husband has been called a saint for adopting my twin girls.

However....

before I was 24 or so...like around 19-22...I went through a zero population growth phase...avoided any guy with kids.

I moved in with someone with kids at age 22 and all that changed. I liked his kids more than him actually. It hurt when we broke up. Thats something that makes dating with kids hard. You can't just bring people in and out of their lives like that...it hurts.

My man said he didn't even have sex for like 5 yrs at one stretch cause he was too busy and didn't want to bring women into the house or his kids life only to have them leave like his real mom did.