relationships and children

[LadyKay]

Well I married someone with 3 kids! It has been rather complicated at times. Considering the kids had sever behavioral issues and an ex-wife with issues of her own. It can be a lot to take on and some people just don't want to deal with what is involved. Some people want you all to their selves and not have to share you with someone else. It did put a hold on planes when his ex showed up without warning to drop off the kids when we were going to be going out somewhere. I don't think I would judge someone harshly for not wanting to date someone with kids. Cause it can be too much for someone. Some people are just out looking to have fun, and they see having a kid as an end to their freedom, fun fulled way of life.

[TitsMcGee]

I've dated men with kids before, and since I'm very kid friendly I had no issues with it. I knew there were times we couldn't be alone because of the kid but that was alright with me generally. I think I've always been the mommy type though.

[AstralCrux]

I've dated people with kids, but unless I have a really strong interest in the person, it's hard to get me to date someone with kids. I don't want to have kids of my own, but ironically I tend to be great with kids. (despite the jokes my friends make) I'm great at getting them to do scheduled naps etc when young and I actually have a knack for understanding them when they get older and into the teen years. I'm just selfish and don't want to dedicate the time to having kids because I want to travel quite a bit before I could ever consider kids. Even then... I like my returnable nieces and nephews. :-)

Just to consider dating someone with kids they'd have to pass my child-rearing plan compatablity or I'd go nuts dealing with the whole situation. I've drilled potential dates on it before and if we don't see eye to eye I can't even try to date them. It would just end bad. Though, that's part of the reasoning for not having kids... My child raising plan involves homeschooling.

In any case, I would consider it, but it's unlikely. (before I really start rambling)

[Nienna]

I have known a few people that have dated/married people who have children, so my response comes from their experiences.

Taking on someone's child is a huge thing to take on. This child is not yours, and will never be yours. You are the third wheel, so to speak, in parent land. The biological mother and father get all the say, and your occasional input. BUT, what input you give and how you give it must be done in an extremely careful way, otherwise, your partner, the biological parent, could be hurt or offended by what you tell them. There will be arguments because of and about the child. Some thoughts about your partner's child should be kept to yourself, because sharing them will only cause unnecessary problems and hurt feelings. You partner will never completely understand some of your feelings, and you won't completely understand some of theirs. In many cases, you have to deal with your partner's ex, or the how the ex's actions affect your partner. There is an adjustment period. You're having a child thrown at you that you did not get to grow with and bond with from birth. That takes some time (the bonding). You will have hurt feelings from time to time. There may be personality traits of the child that come from the ex that you are none too fond of, but you need to see past them and pay attention to the good things about the kid, which can be difficult at times. Sometimes, the child doesn't particularly like you, or they refuse to listen to you because "you're not my mom/dad". You and your partner may have different parenting styles than the ex, so whenever you have time with the child, you are cleaning up the ex's mess, only for it to be undone when that child goes back to the ex. That can be frustrating. Sometimes you are just a helpless bystander in the whole situation. Sometimes you want to scream. Sometimes your eye twitches. Most of the time, you have no fucking clue what you are doing, you're pretty sure you're just messing everything up, and you feel like the best thing to do for everyone involved is to just leave the situation, move to South America and change your identity.

The unit (your partner, his/her child, and you) is very delicate. You can't just dive in and start swimming. You have to tip-toe in very slowly.

I understand that some of these things happen with biological children, but it's different when it's not your child. A couple of people I know have biological children in addition to their partner's child, and they tell me that it is much easier to deal with certain things from their own children, and that they have less tolerance for those same things from their partner's child.

So, I don't think it's a stigma thing. I think it's more of a fear of being able to take on something so huge. Some people know that they can't deal with it.

+24,000

I am dating someone with children for the first time, and while I'm finding it has it's own rewards, it's also causing me alot of stress. I'm honestly not sure if the situation will work for me or not. Time will tell. I do have to admit though, before this I would have thought more than twice before getting involved with someone with children.

[TheGimp]

i think it all depends on the person as well also a bit to do with age range..if someone is in there late 20's early 30's and they find themselves with someone who is lets say in there early 20's possibly even late teens 18-19 obviously man or woman maybe there not ready to play a possible parent role at that age if things get serious just my opinion however

[creatureofthenyte]

Something(s) I wonder about dating someone w/kids.

At what point(if at all) does it become "appropriate" to start making contributions to paying for things for your partner's kids ?

Is there some kind of etiquette on that ?

I would think that supporting a partner's kids would only begin if there was a strong indication that the relationship was turning very serious.

Like marriage serious.

There are some women out there, as I've found out the hard way, who look for a man mainly for him to somewhat financially support her/her kids.

[A.Bene.Placito]

I have a one-year-old myself, so I know how this goes a little bit...

Some people do have problems with it, some don't. I give some major points to anyone willing to show an interest in a person with a child, and include the child in the interest. Buying things... thst would make me a little uncomfortable. But playing with my one-year-old, talking to her, maybe saying hi every so-often or whatever; people like that are extremely impressive.

You don't have to consider it a 'Mother with Child' package really... you could just be with the mother and have the relationship that way. Not everyone is looking for a new 'father/mother' for their kid. Some people with children might prefer the relationship seperate from the child.

I guess it just really depends on thw two people involved. I don't think it's a bad thing to have an interest in a single parent.

Though more often than not... I would think that people do have some issues with single parents. Whether they bring the child into it or not.

[gothkytten (2)]

personally I feel that anyone that don't want a relationship with someone who has kids is just out for the piece of ass, or the one on one attention from that person. They don't want to share which I feel is very selfish.

[AmieLamie]

I would definitely do it.

As for a long term relationship, I think I might actually prefer it, since I'm not too into babies and I don't particularly WANT to have kids. So, if someone already had one or more, I would just join in.

[AstralCrux]

personally I feel that anyone that don't want a relationship with someone who has kids is just out for the piece of ass, or the one on one attention from that person. They don't want to share which I feel is very selfish.

Nah, in my case, I don't generally go after anyone with kids, because I don't want kids. I love kids and I'm great with them- generally they'd lock me in their room to keep me forever because I'm fun. But, I want other things from life. I would only consider having my own kids or raising adoptive kids (from relationship or otherwise) after I've been to my list of countries I want to visit. (I'm quite serious.) I'm selfish in that regard, I agree, but I assure you I don't just want a piece of ass. I don't even generally bother to date let alone anything else.

[TygerLili]

personally I feel that anyone that don't want a relationship with someone who has kids is just out for the piece of ass, or the one on one attention from that person. They don't want to share which I feel is very selfish.

There's nothing wrong with someone wanting casual sex, or a one on one relationship, as long as the person is up front about it. It is selfish, to a degree, but you could argue that anything someone wants out of a relationship (whether it's someone to love them unconditionally, someone to take care of them, someone to help raise their children...) is selfish. The problem is when someone is looking for the things you described and is not up front about it. Then the problem isn't about dating someone with or without kids, it's about dating someone deceitful.

[torn asunder]

i'll say this - if i wanted kids, i wouldn't care whose kids they were.

as i don't want anything to do with kids in a parental role, i wouldn't date someone who had them, unless it was understood that there would be no *long-term* future. there's nothing wrong with enjoying one another's company for a time, but when two people's life goals are so diametrically opposed, there's really no sense in starting a relationship. (unless, as i said, it's discussed and well understood beforehand.)

[phee]

As a stepfather of 4 kids.... I would have to say there is no general response that will work for everyone, the situation will be unique and strange no matter who is involved. But Bean does get points for a well thought out answer.