The amusing horoscope thread

[phee]

Just a spot for those folks who find themselves looking up horoscopes on the web from time to time to post their more interesting findings:

here is one I found on THE ONION:

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.

(some of yours?)

[TheGimp]

got mine from the onion to phee

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.

[phee]

got mine from the onion to phee

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven't seen the last of that dastardly villain.

Yay

[TitsMcGee]

Got mine from here

Pisces: Feb 10 - March 20

Nothing will happen to you for quite some time. Stay in bed until the 3rd then check your mail. Have a sandwich.

[candyman]

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You have a mind like a steel-trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.

[StormKnight (1)]

From The Onion:

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.

From h2g2:

Sagittarius: Nov 23 - Dec 21

Someone will tell you to 'take a chill pill' today. Hurt them.

(Hell, I tend to do that if people say that, anyway. Damned class A personality.)

Edited February 8, 2010 by StormKnight

[torn asunder]

sorry, but as soon as i saw the title, i thought of this song!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gz3tIOMdupo

That's your horoscope for today - Weird Al Yankovic

Aquarius

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a

speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a

day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound

watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go

back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through

your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in

the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's

test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's

face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of

strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the

relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep

significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give

you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid,

scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not

to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than

you

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts

next week

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window

Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in

your den

Capricorn

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know

they're lying

If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never

leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today -ay -ay -ay -ay -ay

That's your horoscope for today

[phee]

I love that track torn

[Slogo]

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.

[phee]

TAURUS

Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.