Phee's (somewhat) weekly horoscopes for DGN

[phee]

2/14/2010:

Aries (March 21-April 19): They say that a penny saved is a penny earned, which has nothing to do with your psycho ex trying to make dolphins hate you and take your oatmeal. Also read a book, it has been a while.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It's normal to feel weird about new experiences, but it's kind of out of line to make other people feel weird about your new experiences, put some pants on and leave the Old Country Buffet before the cops show up.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): This week is a good week to try hard and be at your best, because the rest of the year you apparently are a lazy jerk off. Also that lady at the check out at Whole Foods does NOT have and STD, so GO FOR IT!

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You are at risk this week for slipping into old patterns of behavior, remember it's okay to trade crayons with your sister, YOU DON'T ALWAYS NEED THE RED CRAYON! sheesh. Oh and call your dad, he is stuck under the bookshelf again and needs food.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): This is a week to expect kindness from strangers, even if they don't know it and you have to use the hot poker. Eat your vegetables, and stay out of Kansas.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Just because that thing growing in your thigh is not cancer does not mean you have the right to be abusive to the mail man, so knock it off. Also something about a planet moving into the sign of something means you shouldn't bet any pink slips this week.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You should obey your animal instincts today and bite the head off of that squirrel that has been making fun of your house pets for the last 2 years. Also at 9:15pm on the following Monday, make sure you steer clear of wheel barrels.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Love is in the air today which is too bad if you have asthma. Eat lots of rice and bacon and you will get full of rice and bacon this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This week is a good week to look up old friends and loved ones... If you don't have any old friends and loved ones then the rest of the Sagittarius folks please point and laugh.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don't let yourself get to comfortable in that chair this week as the owner will be coming back and be armed; he will also want to know where all the blood came from and why his cat is missing.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Let it go, really... you know better, and it won't work. Put that thing away and watch some more of the Twilight Zone on SyFy, even though their new name sucks.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Be cautious with your money this week, but not your boyfriends; he knew better then to look at that one chick that way when it was only a week and half away from his birthday, and poverty makes great punishment. And Mars is somewhere and it means something.

[Rev.Reverence]

Thanx St.Phee!

[phee]

Thanx St.Phee!

St. Phee? lol... I have never heard of a Saint that does horoscopes

[Rev.Reverence]

St. Phee? lol... I have never heard of a Saint that does horoscopes

Is not a horrorscope (^tm) in both the stuff, & the thing category?

...I REST MY CASE!

[KatRN05]

Hahaha, thanks phee.

[phee]

Is not a horrorscope (^tm) in both the stuff, & the thing category?

...I REST MY CASE!

Correct *bows*

[Lillylu29]

great thanks phee haha

[bean]

Awesome

[Homicidalheathen]

mmmm bacon....

[phee]

The week of 2/21/10:

Aries (March 21-April 19): This is the time to plan for the future, if you were planning for the future last week, you really REALLY fucked up and probably are going to explode. But other then that you should be fine so cheer up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You face many challenges this week, but fear not! The game server will crash just before you are about to humiliate yourself. Also just because the neighbor's dog talks to you, does not mean you have to listen... There are not enough Starburst in the world to accomplish the task he is asking of you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): There is no excuse for being lazy, that being said be lazy; be very VERY lazy. If you get out of bed this week you are doing too much... But remember to call your mom, she misses you!

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It is a good week to focus on your health, which means you should get that railroad spike out of your knee cap and finally tend to that rash, because your loved one will leave you if the smell increases. And the sign of Venus is doing something, that means you should do something or other.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): This week will be a dream come true for you! Unfortunately it won't be your dream, so you will be left wondering who dreamed you dressed as a schoolgirl fighting Godzilla in a Denny's while a choir of leopard seals sings Beatles tunes in Yiddish.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): As we all know, Virgo is the sign of the virgin. The irony of this fact will occur to you once again at two in the morning as the leather straps are tightened and the clown covered with lube walks into the room and waves to the film crew.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Oh.... MY.... God! did you see what that guy just did? No? Oh well then never mind.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): There are plenty of reptiles in the wild, that are not poisonous, that are perfectly harmless to humans; this week you will not be meeting any of them however. Also the stars predict that you need a hair cut... but they don't say which one you need to cut... bummer.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Beware strangers baring gifts this week Sagittarius... Unless its a really cool bottle of champaign and some cool music compilations, then thats really cool. Also that sound from the basement IS NOT mice.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Some children when they hear "Capricorn" mispronounce it "Candy Corn" which is really cute until they start trying to consume your flesh and start referring to your loved ones as candy bars. My advice... stay in your trunk.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Friends from your past will try to look you up this week. What that's not enough? You need more detail then that? What is your problem just because your sign was not as in depth as the other ones so far doesn't mean you have to loose your temper. Wait put down the knife... I am sorry okay? Just don't hurt me.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It makes sense to set aside time for yourself this week. But you will have to keep an eye on it after you do so, as it might get sold into prostitution and addicted to drugs, forcing you to go all Liam Neeson and fly to France and kill a bunch of people to save it.

[bean]

[AstralCrux]

I approve of me being lazy!

[phee]

So the dates moved a bit.... who cares.

Aries (March 21-April 20): The friends of yours that you turn to in times of need will need to be fed soon. Also they may have found a way to pick the lock to the cellar that you have them trapped in however, so you may want to get that addressed. Also you need to get a dog.

Taurus (April 21-May 21): It will be a surprise this week when every fortune cookie you have ever opened's predictions will all come true within 15 minutes of one another. The results will make news and cause a new season of Star Trek to be made. Also you need to get a dog.

Gemini (May 22-June 21): The stars say you should post more in the pictures thread of DGN this week. I know weird huh? I mean you are reading it here on DGN and it says something about DGN in the cosmos... who'd a thunk it? Also you need to get a dog.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Everybody knows that you Cancers make good lovers, in your case you make good lovers out of power tools and advanced software, using high tech alloys and organic systems. Unfortunately no one will be able to afford your creation and it will end up as yet another one stored in your basement. Also you need to get a dog.

Leo (July 23-August 21): You will feel your inner self wanting to express itself this week. This maybe just a metaphor in most cases, but this week it means a lot of bleeding from within and loss of bone matter. But you will probably get a lot of sympathy from your friends so it's kind of a silver lining. Also you need to get a dog.

Virgo (August 22-September 23): There will be a special alignment of the planets this week for you Virgo. That is just so cool in so many ways, seriously. I mean it doesn't effect you in any special way, and you are still going to have to put up with those annoying losers in your life just like any other week, but wow! Planets are cool. Also you need to get a dog.

Libra (September 24-October 23): This week is a good week to look into your past for lessons about your future plans. Also, stop looking into other people's pasts so much, because believe me it just gets worse and worse; not to mention more and more like a David Lynch movie the more you look. Also you need to get a dog.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22): You will get the urge to get up and be proactive in solving several pressing issues this week, so seduce that guard, get the keys and free your people from servitude at last! Just make sure you get milk on the way home. Also you need to get a dog.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22): Don't be surprised this week if the frozen body of Walt Disney ends up in your bed this week, the cryogenic lab has been having troubles and your home was the most logical place to put him for now. And Jupiter is drifting somewhere... which means you should get a dog.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20): Get that thing out of there! You have no idea where that thing has been... but if you would like to know where it has been there is a vendor at the Gibraltar trade center who knows, and will sell you the information. Also you need to get a dog.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): A vacation is needed to sort out your complicated life, and those taking that vacation will come back feeling very refreshed and know exactly what to do with you. So make sure you have lots of warm clothes and quartz, this is going to be an odd time. Also you should get a dog.

Pisces (February 20- March 20): Do absolutely no Karaoke this week, unless you are trying to actively piss off the Russian Mob and Betty Crocker. Also you need to get a dog.

[Tyger]

Libra (September 24-October 23): This week is a good week to look into your past for lessons about your future plans. Also, stop looking into other people's pasts so much, because believe me it just gets worse and worse; not to mention more and more like a David Lynch movie the more you look. Also you need to get a dog.

Damn.. Thats definitely me.

[Rev.Reverence]

Libra (September 24-October 23): This week is a good week to look into your past for lessons about your future plans. Also, stop looking into other people's pasts so much, because believe me it just gets worse and worse; not to mention more and more like a David Lynch movie the more you look. Also you need to get a dog.

Damn.. Thats definitely me.

+1

...they got me too!

[f0rged]

Capricorn (December 23-January 20): Get that thing out of there! You have no idea where that thing has been... but if you would like to know where it has been there is a vendor at the Gibraltar trade center who knows, and will sell you the information. Also you need to get a dog.

In a scary way that actually fits...

[phee]

Wow for me just making these up... I mean... just checking the stars.... I am doing pretty well!

[StormKnight (1)]

How is it I get the dead, frozen cartoonist in my house?

And I thought I was a dog

[phee]

Aries (March 21-April 20): There are few times in life when it is actually appropriate to scream at a group of old ladies in Yiddish. But due to the extreem crushing pain in your lower extremities combined with the other strange circumstances at the soda fountain this week, well now is one of those few times.

Taurus (April 21-May 21): The clock is ticking on some important issues for you this week Taurus. This is not surprising because if the clock was not ticking it would either mean that the clock is broken, needs to be wound, or that time itself has frozen for all but you, and for all eternity you will be forced to live in a strange timeless vortex, forever without form or reason.

Gemini (May 22-June 21): You will want to listen to the inner voice this week, because lets face it, it has been quite a while since any of those outer voices have had anything remotely intelligent to say to you. Keeping this in mind, why would you read this and pay any attention?

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Looking into the cosmos this week we see that there are a lot of things that astronomers talk about. Probably time for some new shoes or something.

Leo (July 23-August 21): Those chances you had earlier in life for free fencing lessons and the fact that you never really have paid enough attention to the inner messages of Ace Of Base will become very apparent to you in both tragic and wonderful ways this week. Also Olga's Kitchen is not a good place for vollyball... just saying.

Virgo (August 22-September 23): It is time to draw on your reserves of strength and virtue this week as your friends will need your help with some very pressing issues. Okay nevermind lets face it, they are going to want to borrow money again, and you will have to resist the urge to bash their heads in with a an ornate Turkish shovel.

Libra (September 24-October 23): Okay you remember last weeks horoscope? Yeah well forget about it; it was all wrong and now you have a big mess to clean up because you actually thought I was serious. But this time I am serious... really. Well maybe I am.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22): Romance is definitly on the agenda this week for you Scorpio, and by that I mean you will be held at gun point to learn a certain Romantic language or they will start executing the prisoners. Then again, you didn't really like any of the prisoners anyway come to think of it. So maybe you should just play Pac-Man.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22): If someone asks you to attend a funeral this week that means that someone must have died, and that is really sad for the people that knew that person, unless that person was a total asshole. Also now is your chance to hook up with Gwen Stephani... don't screw it up this time.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20): That sense of childlike wonder you are feeling while looking at the sky is sadly just an old closed headwound reasserting itself; good thing for you there is GPS and plenty of oreo cookies for you to find your way home. Probably a good time to get a high powered flare gun also.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): A good week for taking a bath in a tub full of red meat; it will not only calm you but will feel great as well.

Pisces (February 20- March 20): Slam dancing in the Art Musium can only lead to one thing this week... which is total excelence and coolness, so grab your lady, some friends and a lot of pain killers and go to town. But remember to wear your knee pads this time.

[bean]

I always read both Aquarius and Pisces because I'm on the cusp. The funny thing is that the eternal and I are going to the DIA this week. So we will slam dance while we are there. Then I will take a meat bath afterwards

[phee]

I always read both Aquarius and Pisces because I'm on the cusp. The funny thing is that the eternal and I are going to the DIA this week. So we will slam dance while we are there. Then I will take a meat bath afterwards

I am SOOOOOOOO psychic

[bean]

I am SOOOOOOOO psychic

I know!

[phee]

The week of 3/14/10:

Aries (March 21-April 19): You will need to be very self sufficient this week in ways that you never dreamed of. With the exception of that one dream you had a few years ago that involved erotic Curling and massive amounts of mink fur. Also the stars predict stuff.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): No matter how you look at it, in all likelihood there will be no trips to a dentist in Yemen for you this week. Which means that once again you plans have been foiled by the forces of light and justice. You might have cake at some point though.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Gifts can come in many mysterious forms. This week is not a week you will be receiving one of these gifts however, as it will come in the form that you have grown used to; a large bucket of salt water and soggy greeting cards.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It is a week to retrace your steps, so get a pencil and some paper as you have a long way to go. Also if you get blood on the stained glass is not going to clean the blood off of itself, so hop to it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): This week will be a dream come true for you! Unfortunately it won't be your dream, so you will be left wondering who dreamed you dressed as a schoolgirl fighting Godzilla in a Denny's while a choir of leopard seals sings Beatles tunes in Yiddish.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You will find that you are very good at wasting time this week. You will waste it with semi-automatic weapons and long island iced teas, combined with old friends from your high school yearbook. And the planets predict that um, stuff is going on.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): A lot of your friends look to you for guidance, especially since all of you got that job at the local missile silo. However, this week is a good week to think about juice boxes and their effects on global warming.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): If you are waiting for a sign to move forward, you may want to rethink that decision. The sign that is before you is called a "STOP SIGN" it will not change into a "GO SIGN" no matter how long you wait. So go ahead to the next intersection please, it should help with all of the angry people behind you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Do not wear the red outfit to the gathering this week, as it will insight the other guests into a rage that resembles a "running of the bulls." Of course if you are lonely I guess having a whole bunch of people chasing you might not be a bad thing, up to you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your actions will bring about the return of the show BattleBots this week, even if it is only into t he minds of children 6 to 7 years of age living in Nebraska. Also because of the movements of the planets, astronomers will have to adjust their telescopes.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will temporarily forget about the existence of acronyms this week. So it will seem really strange when you are contacted by the "effbi" regarding illegal music downloads, and you will not be sure how to pay the "detee" bill. Also watch out for "teebee" as it not an insect that plays golf.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): All of your adoring fans will get a bit miffed when you change your name to that strange Aztec symbol this week, but they will be forced to shut up as you are going to sacrifice them to HUITZILOPOCHTLI anyway.

[f0rged]

Oh Man...If only I really could bring back Battle Bots. That show rocked!!

[phee]

Oh Man...If only I really could bring back Battle Bots. That show rocked!!

heh