Phee's (somewhat) weekly horoscopes for DGN

[f0rged]

heh

Don't knock the dorkness...

[phee]

Don't knock the dorkness...

I liked that show.

[phee]

The week of 3/24/10 (ish)

Aries (March 21-April 19): This week will be about 7 days long, a fact which just now will inspire you to pick up the bagpipes and join a Satanic wind instrument band. And the plastic Giraffes that were misplaced almost a decade ago will begin to haunt you now and forever.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): The things you care about most will go up in smoke if you continue to try to light them on fire. I know it's a strange correlation, but perhaps its time for less flammable things in life if you are going to insist on experimenting with Asian immolation practice.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Time to pay that MUTHERFUCKING PARKING TICKET.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): A terrible realization awaits you as you will discover you wasted precious seconds of your life reading this bullshit that Phee just typed for no reason. In a way it will be like he stole a minute or two of your life, so suck on that.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Due to a terrible mistake, you will have a great and useless understanding of the Bed Bath and Beyond stock room today, as well as having to formulate a plan to explain why you had to resort to cannibalism after being trapped for only 45 minutes. Good luck with that.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You will have a moment of panic this week as for a time it will appear that you are going to loose everything dear to you. This moment will pass quickly however, as you realize you really don't care about anyone or anything. Then you will go have ice cream.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): While you have often looked at yourself as a peaceful enlightened person, it will dawn on you that screaming at people and beating them with phallic hookahs may effect if others see you the way you envision yourself. And planets are moving and stuff which I am sure means something really significant.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): The alignment of Mercury with your mom this week will not result in oatmeal cookies, orange cream pie, cocoa puffs, or carrot cake.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It may dawn on you that your closest associates in your inner circle are actually animals, and that the strange wisdom they have been mumbling are just grunts and screams and not an actual language. The world maybe grateful that you took on the role of being their handler, but not grateful enough to fix your porch.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your genetic code will be rewritten this week, but only a little. The bright side of this is that it will be rewritten by cartoonist Gary Larson.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This week will be a welcome change for you as people at least for a few days will stop mistaking you for Al Pacino. Also you are not going to die of dry rot, so buck up little camper and clap your hands.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): It is finally time to take that big step and buy a new screw driver. Your spouse has been lying on the floor only partially assembled for long enough, and it is time to get to it and finish putting them together so you can go on a picnic.

[freydis]

Ben Templesmithwrote some today....

Aries: Don't freak out much. You woke up today to find your nipples missing. They'll be back tomorrow.

Taurus: That smell coming from your neighbour's house isn't actually rising damp. It's the body of a certain loved one from last year.

Cancer: No one will like you today. It's not the way you dress or anything. Today, it's just you.

Gemini: You'll meet a new lover today. Only later to find they reveal they're actually your sibling tomorrow. You find you like it anyway.

Leo: We don't do Leos.

Libra: Today you'll find that severed head in the fridge that speaks to you all the time is actually just a bowl of cold beef casserole.

Virgo: Today you'll start to regret that sex change operation. What? You never had one? Today you must ask your parents some tough questions.

Scorpio: Don't get out of bed today. Not if you want to keep the full use of your legs & not piss into a plastic bag the rest of your life.

Sagittarius: You'll find the cracks in prison cell walls extremely interesting. This horoscope is actually valid thru til 2034 for you.

Capricorn: Today you'll fly through the air & fight phallic alien rocket ships. Then the meds will wear off & you'll be naked in a 7-11.

Aquarius: You may experience some turbulence in the bowel area. Good news is this requires hospitalization & finding out you have cancer.

Pisces: You're just plain awesome today. Everyone around you thinks so. Ignore the sign taped on your back referencing your genitals.

[phee]

(But this is MY thread freydis... not that FRAUDS!)

3/29/10:

Aries (March 21-April 19): Nowhere in all of the detective novels you have ever read could have prepared you for the unmitigated thrill of having your feet encased in cement and thrown into a river by the Chilean mafia. Oh and its a good week for you to try cooking.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Do not under any circumstances try to fulfill your dream of becoming a bull fighter this week. Also the moon and the stars predict that those shoes suck.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): It's time to embrace change... That is just one of many bad puns that will occur to you when an armored car carrying dimes and nickels comes barreling through your living room from it's previous car chase, making coins and bags of coins fly through the air and litter your home.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your creative side will nearly get charred off and thrown into the basement by clowns if you are not careful with your experimental cake making habits. The fact that Venus has moved into the whatever of Saturn's whatever, that doesn't mean shit... sorry

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Okay there is a bright side to all you have had to go through this week. I am not sure if you will be able to find it, or if it is actually something a sane person would recognize, but it is there. Make some steak, it will help you feel better.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your health will be your focus this week when a colony of coach-roaches are found living in your left lung. As to how they got there and what is going to be done about it? Well, you will just have to ask the guy who sold you that used sofa and get a good tolerance for extremely hot sauce soon.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): No horoscope for you this week. Now go to your room and think about what you have done. (How dare you make your grandmother cry like that.)

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): The bad news is that your hand is still stuck in that bear trap you found last Sunday and has actually rusted shut even more since that truck carrying septic fluid crashed into your car. The good news is that the school newspaper has chosen to do a story on it this week, so that makes it all okay.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Due to a spiritual mix up, expect to be haunted by the ghost of dead muskrats and bagel salesmen from South Africa. But fear not, that chicken you ate the other day was actually pretty healthy and you have enough vitamin C to last for a few months now.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The fact that you have been living two secret lives will come crashing down upon you this week, when the ice cream truck you have been using to sell arms to the local middle school will be impounded by the very police officer you have been trying to seduce with cranberry juice and gold plated railroad spikes.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Its time to read those instructions that came with the weapons designed by Tesla will become a very important activity to partake in this week. And by the way speaking of Tesla... in that movie "The Prestige" I thought DAVID BOWIE rocked as Tesla.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): There is a song that relates to your dilemmas this week. The song has not been written, and is by a band that has not been formed, by people who have not been born, in a genre that does not exist. Also the planets are doing something really um... planet like.

[Tyger]

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): No horoscope for you this week. Now go to your room and think about what you have done. (How dare you make your grandmother cry like that.)

Buh, buh, buh... My one Grandma's been gone on vacation (one of many) for like a month, haven't talked to her... and the other is dead... how could I make one of them cry?!

[Lillylu29]

(But this is MY thread freydis... not that FRAUDS!)

Gemini (May 21-June 21): It's time to embrace change... That is just one of many bad puns that will occur to you when an armored car carrying dimes and nickels comes barreling through your living room from it's previous car chase, making coins and bags of coins fly through the air and litter your home.

I am Embracing the change..... And its Good!

[phee]

I am Embracing the change..... And its Good!

I am soooooo psychic

[bean]

I like when the planets are doing something planet-like.

[taysteewonderbunny]

I like when the planets are doing something planet-like.

When aren't the planets doing something planet-like? I swear...these astrologers use their hoity-toity jargon and flowery whatsits to disguise the ubiquitous and quotidian nature of their "predictions." There is no art or science to stating the obvious, except where the obvious has been stated artfully. I have a ubiquitous and quotidian prediction for the astrologers: in the future, some of you will continue and some of you will not. There.

[Rayne]

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Okay there is a bright side to all you have had to go through this week. I am not sure if you will be able to find it, or if it is actually something a sane person would recognize, but it is there. Make some steak, it will help you feel better.

Is this your subtle attempt at asking me to make steak for dinner? LoL.

(And do you know how long it took me to isolate that one horoscope one the BlackBerry?!)

[Rev.Reverence]

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): No horoscope for you this week. Now go to your room and think about what you have done. (How dare you make your grandmother cry like that.)

Buh, buh, buh... My one Grandma's been gone on vacation (one of many) for like a month, haven't talked to her... and the other is dead... how could I make one of them cry?!

Yeah...what the fuck?

.....BOTH, of my G-maw's are DEAD...

[phee]

Yeah...what the fuck?

.....BOTH, of my G-maw's are DEAD...

Do we know enough about the universe to know if the dead shed tears or not?

[MyViolentMachine]

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): No horoscope for you this week. Now go to your room and think about what you have done. (How dare you make your grandmother cry like that.)

?!I do not accept this /reroll

[phee]

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): No horoscope for you this week. Now go to your room and think about what you have done. (How dare you make your grandmother cry like that.)

?!I do not accept this /reroll

LOL

[phee]

4/9/10:

Aries (March 21-April 19): That one video tape that you did not rewind before returning to the video store almost a decade ago will result in a fatwā being declared on you. And its a good week to try new fruits.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): When life gives you lemons you are supposed to make lemonade. So I guess when life gives you tactical nuclear weapons, it is time to make tacticalnuclearweaponade. Also your sign is bull.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Everyone in the world is said to have a double. But when you go to Wendy's this week and you find yourself really REALLY hungry you will consider getting a triple with bacon and cheese.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): This is a good week to get into shape, if that shape is a triangle then thats good, a circle is cool also, but if they try to call you a rhombus then I suggest a high powered weapon and lots of ammo.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): This is not the week to experience the wonders of sensual deep frying. Sensual deep frying is two weeks away so you will just have to wait. Also you seem to be making wolves happy, which in your case is kind of good.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Despite your dreams and hopes, none of the lamps you will rub will result in a genie that grants wishes. But you will get a lot of odd looks as you walk through your neighbors house's trying.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You will be tested this week in very interesting ways that break the laws of a small country near Turkey. So it's time to finally change your choice of breakfast cereals and go to home depot.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): It is time for you to focus on some of your natural gifts this week Scorpio, mainly because all those unnatural gifts you have been focusing on have caused madness and death throughout the world. So maybe try singing instead of, well you know.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): As the phases of the planets shift, so will your bra strap.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The warming weather means that love is in your future this week! If by love you mean that dude who lives in his car at the end of the block's version of it, involving meat and the paper mill.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your dad says it's finally time to take down that box fort that you and your brother built on Monday, we have company coming over and we can't have the house looking like this.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Jumping up and down for joy is an acceptable expression of happiness but not if you keep doing it on your lover. And yes you still need to get a dog.

[Tyger]

4/9/10:

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You will be tested this week in very interesting ways that break the laws of a small country near Turkey. So it's time to finally change your choice of breakfast cereals and go to home depot.

Buh.. buh... I like Fruitloops!

[Msterbeau]

Buh.. buh... I like Fruitloops!

Me too. Let's get to breaking those laws, shall we?

[Tyger]

Me too. Let's get to breaking those laws, shall we?

What laws shall we break??

[Msterbeau]

What laws shall we break??

All of them.

[Tyger]

All of them.

Woot!

[phee]

4/16/10:

Aries (March 21-April 19): There is an order to all things in the universe, an example of this the order that you placed at Taco Bell for a Crunch Wrap and a drink. Also this is not a good week to try a new flavor of gum.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): As the world grows more and more complex around you Taurus, you will be forced to adapt. So don't panic when you grown flippers and start to sound like Billy Bob Thornton on steroids, it's all necessary.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You will be amazed at complexities and intricacies of the pet names you invent for yourself this week as you are trapped under a bookshelf. When you finally manage to rescue yourself it will be as if nothing happened, because honestly, nothing happened.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): The constellations effect on your forehead will be more then interesting this week as children run in terror from the light emitted from it. And do not buy a new chainsaw for your grampa if you were thinking about doing so... If you were not thinking about doing so, then feel free.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Militant Chia Pet salesmen will not come to your door this week, that is not to say they will not show up anywhere and everywhere else in your life, but just not your door. Oh and try to get some sleep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You need to focus on accomplishing long neglected tasks this week Virgo, pay no attention to whether or not these tasks or your responsibility or not, so empty your neighbor's fridge and try to find the bodies of forgotten soldiers in the West Indies.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Did you realize that your sign rhymes with zebra?

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Your use of language will be put in the spotlight this week, as you break the sound barrier with your words and fail to repair it. It is also a good time to switch to Faygo... but stay away from Arctic Sun.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The rage and anger you feel inside you is going to come to a breaking point this week, but it will be a happy breaking point with rainbows, puppy dogs, and lollipops. And it's time to address that sound coming from the attic.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The answers to life little frustrations will be found in a box of frosted flakes this week. But they will not be found by you, and not in English, and not in any helpful way. So it will make sense to keep working on your lawn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Although you have always enjoyed solving puzzles and playing games you never imagined that a simple game of Uno combined with a Rubik's cube would ever change your life so fundamentally.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Your mind might wander into odd places this week, like the corner liquor stores break room, and the mysterious room in your uncles house that always has chicken feathers all over the floor. This is almost certainly due to the planets shifting and doing something or other.

[taysteewonderbunny]

4/16/10:

Aries (March 21-April 19): There is an order to all things in the universe; an example of this is the order that you placed at Taco Bell for a Crunch Wrap and a drink. Also, this is not a good week to try a new flavor of gum.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): As the world grows more and more complex around you, Taurus, you will be forced to adapt. So don't panic when you have grown flippers and start to sound like Billy Bob Thornton on steroids; it's all necessary.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You will be amazed at complexities and intricacies of the pet names you invent for yourself this week as you are trapped under a bookshelf. When you finally manage to rescue yourself it will be as if nothing happened, because honestly, nothing happened.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): The constellations effect on your forehead will be more then interesting this week as children run in terror from the light emitted from it. And do not buy a new chainsaw for your grampa if you were thinking about doing so... If you were not thinking about doing so, then feel free.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Militant Chia Pet salesmen will not come to your door this week; that is not to say they will not show up anywhere and everywhere else in your life, but just not at your door. Oh, and try to get some sleep.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You need to focus on accomplishing long neglected tasks this week, Virgo. Pay no attention to whether or not these tasks are your responsibility or not: empty your neighbor's fridge and try to find the bodies of forgotten soldiers in the West Indies.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Did you realize that your sign rhymes with zebra?

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Your use of language will be put in the spotlight this week as you break the sound barrier with your words and fail to repair it. It is also a good time to switch to Faygo... but stay away from Arctic Sun.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The rage and anger you feel inside you is going to come to a breaking point this week, but it will be a happy breaking point with rainbows, puppy dogs, and lollipops. And it's time to address that sound coming from the attic.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The answers to life's little frustrations will be found in a box of Frosted Flakes this week. But they will not be found by you, and not in English, and not in any helpful way. So it will make sense to keep working on your lawn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Although you have always enjoyed solving puzzles and playing games, you never imagined that a simple game of Uno combined with a Rubik's cube would ever change your life so fundamentally.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Your mind might wander into odd places this week, like the corner liquor store's break room, and the mysterious room in your uncle's house that always has chicken feathers all over the floor. This is almost certainly due to the planets shifting and doing something or other.

Copy edit complete.

I didn't think Guzzler's had a break room proper.

[phee]

4/22/10:

Aries (March 21-April 19): This week you will be called Baseball Tony... because of the stitches.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Please don't be one of those total weirdos that talks on their cell phones while in the public bathrooms. And your zoological experiments will fail unless you actually start using real animals.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): As everyone knows, for trillions of centuries mankind has enjoyed the wonderful taste of bacon and graham crackers. You will bring this fact to new and wonderful heights this week. And the planets are way out there you know?

Cancer (June 22-July 22): In the continuing ways that you life matches the dreams and aspirations of Michael Bay, you will not find yourself around the company of aboriginal healers and Walmart S.W.A.T commandos.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): You never knew the true meaning of Christmas, and you still won't this week. Which is kind of a relief.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The sand in your shoe has mysterious connotations that stretch all the way back to high school's first dance.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You will come to think of your mind as sort of a 1-900 number for the spirit realm this week as ghosts will use you for erotic distraction. A good week to learn practice origami.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Those ruins you find in your back yard are not some ancient civilization's relics that will bring you fame and fortune. But you may find some interesting containers of old spice that have not been used as of yet, and who can say "no" to free stuff?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You will be called on by the powers that be to perform miracles and feats of power and wonder. And after that the powers that do not be may send you to the store for some paper plates and Faygo.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dance Dance Revolution will change your life at least twice in the following week, the second change will simply be to correct all of the issues caused by the first change. And there is a reason why your house pets look at you that way.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Due to the position of the planets, you lungs will fill with strawberry jam and you will start a business framing pictures and you will be so happy that you will try to devour your own feet.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The Intergalactic Federation of Doom wants you to return their bra straps. But you won't give them back, because your master plan requires them still.

[phee]

4/30/10

Aries (March 21-April 19): The stars have spoken to your true purpose in life this week, but since even the nearest stars are light years away, you will not hear it for a long LONG time.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Well whoopty FRIGGEN DOO!

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Music is in the air this week for you Gemini. So you should probably get a gas mask and lots of food and water and some cards. Plus you may be moving to Antarctica for a brief time.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It is a pity that the mayo in the fridge has chosen this week to become sentient and rebel against you, because you were very close to finally getting into that book club that is the pinnacle of all your hopes and dreams, and now because you have to deal with the mayo, you just won't have the time.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Hey at least you don't have Leprosy right? And one of the small mammals that you live with will probably continue his crack headed behavior when you turn the bathtub on.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It is a good week to reconnect with nature. So you should find that tree that you grew out of and reattach yourself to the trunk. And be careful with money this week, because the planets really give a shit about your money.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): The mysteries of crop circles will seem like nothing compared to the more mysterious crop trapezoids you will cause in your sleep this week. Also others agree that Drew Carry was not a good replacement for Bob Barker.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): The Radio Shack corporation will fall totally and madly in love with you this week, which is going to cause a series of awkward moments at the DMV.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The epic battle between the squirrel that lives in the tree up the street and the new Michigan Militia will come to a bloody conclusion in your bathroom this week. Also it's time for an upgrade! (but you need to figure out what.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You know the saying that "A penny saved is a penny earned?" well good for you then! Oh and also if you have investments over seas, thats kind of weird because normally investments are kept in banks of some sort.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your many virtues will fall upon deaf ears this week as you find a closet full of severed deaf ears. Also your family is a little worried that you have found yourself so obsessed with Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The ghosts of your past decisions will come to haunt you this week in the form of a large llama carcass that will appear next to you in your bed.