Phee's (somewhat) weekly horoscopes for DGN

[Tyger]

PHEE!!! OH Phee!!! Ive been SO lost lately!!! I need my horoscope to tell me what to do! Where to go! Who to see, trust and Molest!!!

[phee]

*blink* I didn't think anyone read this anymore? I had no idea it was missed

[Destroit]

*blink* I didn't think anyone read this anymore? I had no idea it was missed

Wtf! You are not supposed to think, only gaze into our futures so you can tell us what tomorrow holds!

Now, what is my day off going to behold? I demand answers *angry fist shake*.

Wtf! You are not supposed to think, only gaze into our futures so you can tell us what tomorrow holds!

Now, what is my day off going to behold? I demand answers *angry fist shake*.

[creatureofthenyte]

Yeah I need to know when my pencil sharpener is gonna crap out, forcing me to go to staples and buy a new one.

[Tyger]

*blink* I didn't think anyone read this anymore? I had no idea it was missed

Guess you know now! So bring on the future!!

[phee]

Aries (March 21 - April 19): Tea Party activists will invade your home this week. And by Tea Party activists I don't mean the political kind, I mean a whole lot of angry little girls with stuffed animals and dolls, that want to have a fucking tea party at your house. Make sure you have cookies and napkins handy our you will be doomed.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): There can be no coincidence, that no culture on earth has a phrase meaning "As beautiful as a dead clown in your basement." And even with the extraordinary circumstances involving heavy drinking and power tools this weak, this phrase will still not catch on despite your best efforts.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Due to a large misunderstanding to the title of the show "Iron Chef" you are going to be sued by the air port and three different pet stores in the greater Boston area. Time to get a good lawyer and some Tetanus shots.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Even though you have been curious about the history of fishhooks for the better part of the decade, the feeling of them ripping through your flesh and tearing your soul apart will effectively distract you from this curiosity. Just better to leave that little box alone.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): The band: Depeche Mode will ask you to design and build their light show for an upcoming tour in eastern Asia. Then they will change their mind and go with someone with experience, resources, and better hair. Sorry for your luck.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22): You will re-discover that you are in fact so GOTH that your friends will find themselves with spontaneously whitening pubic hair.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23): Your bid to HASBRO to have a Monopoly game released with the theme of "great sex crimes from the late 1800's" will be turned down yet again. Your dreams will be crushed and your hopes lost. But there is still a chance that your idea for the makers of Scene It trivia will be picked up, and you will finally have that Snuff Porn interactive DVD game to your credit.

Scorpio (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23): You are now the new emperor of the Neo Aztec empire, no matter what your co-workers, friends, family, and members of the medical/psychological community say to you. So go ahead and pray to Xochiquetzal to get the girl of your dreams, and sacrifice one of your slaves to Quetzalcoatl, because you are going to get your revenge on the Spanish empire right after you are done watching Law and Order.

Sagittarius (Nov.22 – Dec. 21): Because I forgot your Horoscope when I first posted this, you get a large discount on your next backshaving and rootbeer adventure.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Remember that shop class you had that one semester? You never knew about the ghost that haunted the band-saw, but you will after this week... I promise.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): This week is a good week to try new things. Like that new kind of ice cream at Cold Stone, or maybe finally talking to that person you think is cute at work, or maybe letting that Romanian family you have had tied up in the basement go; or at the very least feeding them something more than one Hot Pocket a day.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): In a strange turn of events, your whole family will become NASCAR fans and sell their house in order to try and afford a lifetime of tickets. They will also ask you to sell drugs to help further their cause, but remember; if you decide to sell drugs, you should do it for you! Not because your family is putting pressure on you.

[killyosaur]

You missed Sagittarius, unless we get no horoscope.

[phee]

There much better

[StormKnight (1)]

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): There can be no coincidence, that no culture on earth has a phrase meaning "As beautiful as a dead clown in your basement." And even with the extraordinary circumstances involving heavy drinking and power tools this weak, this phrase will still not catch on despite your best efforts.

Clearly, you have never met my LARP friends. I made one acronym in one e-mail, and it became the name of the center of the whole damned plot.

And considering how much a lot of them hate/fear clowns, they would consider it indeed a very, very beautiful thing.

[Tyger]

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23): Your bid to HASBRO to have a Monopoly game released with the theme of "great sex crimes from the late 1800's" will be turned down yet again. Your dreams will be crushed and your hopes lost. But there is still a chance that your idea for the makers of Scene It trivia will be picked up, and you will finally have that Snuff Porn interactive DVD game to your credit.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[phee]

Aries (March 21 - April 19): It's will strike you as amazing this week how many people that look like Christopher Lambert can fit on your porch this week, but don't worry they will die out soon with no food or water.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): This is a good week for you to be aggressive with your business ventures this week, as you will find a need for several blood soaked high quality ties. And don't forget your chicken salad.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Your home will be attacked by a large amount of centipedes this week, at least thats what the stars say... don't look at me, take it up with them.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Put that back right now... you don't know where that thing has been.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): When asked "true of false" questions this week, you will be shocked that the only answer you will be able to bring yourself to respond with in good conscious is "marmalade and spit." Also don't read any newspapers from Seattle this week.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22): The planets are a bunch of unappreciative punks who will not help you with gas money this week. So you might want to make sure you have eaten before you leave, because they might just ask you to spot them money for Burger King as well.... asshole planets.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23): After you have discovered all the flaws with the "Swiss Army Lung" you will be captured by the Fijian mafia and will be asked to give up the Paton rights to your beloved invention. But they will have good beer so that works.

Scorpio (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23): The mysterious link between Raman Noodles and reptilian martial arts will become very clear to you this week while you are about to leave the house. The mailman cannot help you this time either.

Sagittarius (Nov.22 – Dec. 21): You will mercifully stop receiving all of those shipments of J.K. Rowling's used panties this week, only to be horrified by them being replaced by her used tampons.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): The might Galactic empire of Faxzula will make you their ruler this week, but because they are on the other side of the galaxy, the email to notify you will take far too long to reach you. Bummer.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): This is a perfect week for being lazy, so kick back and enjoy your paralysis until the hikers find you and call a chopper to get you out of the ravine. Remember to bring a book, because those rescuers will need something to read while they wait.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): This week is a good week to look into your more artistic side, that being the left side of yourself. In order to look into it, you should probably get good lighting, mirrors, and several surgical tools in order to get that side open in order to look into it.