How do you feel about intimacy?

[asphyxian_doll]

I figured I would start a thread that really got deep into the psyche of each of us.

And I know that intimacy and being close to another human being would get DEEP.

Most of the people I meet are extremely grizzled, jaded or hardened to love, because they fear intimacy and fear love.

So what say you?

How willing are you to be vulnerable to another, to nurture and be in a relationship for the long haul?

Is being ALONE more appealing than being vulnerable?

[phee]

I will have to come back to this topic when I am not at work and can think clearly... but...

First impression is Trust begets intimacy, one cannot exist without the other.... no matter how jaded a person is... trust is key.

[Simon Bar Sinister]

How willing are you to be vulnerable to another, to nurture and be in a relationship for the long haul?

Is being ALONE more appealing than being vulnerable?

1) being vulnerable has never really scared me.

2) it can be at times. being alone has never really scared me, either.

[the_fairy_gothmother]

I think it depends on the person so since your asking our thoughts heres mine.

Because of my mental makeup and personality I tend to emotionally dependent on having someone in my life. Having borderline personality disorder if you read the symptoms shows an individual have a great fear of being alone. Yet they also can push people away. I do fear being alone. More now than ever when my 5 year marriage took a shit. Not having that comfort of someone to snuggle or be there to talk to me is very hard. When I am alone like in this situation I get paranoid, negative, pessimistic and even suicidally depressed. Its hard for me to cope with and I do my therapy and throw myself into things. But no amount of meds and coping skills can really change the fact that I am lonely and have no intimate partner I can just be with and let the world around us dissolve. Theres also different types of intimacy. So it depends how much of yourself you wanna open up. Do you feel comfortable with whoever your with knowing all your past? Do you feel comfortable sharing intimate details or sharing physical things like bedside mannerisms, kinks, fetishes, ect. I r am a open book. I like to openly communicate what I am all about. Due to the lack of it in my last relationship it fell apart as all the aspects of my life were changing into who I am today. I am learning to be more leary about my open book policy because a. it could give people wrong impressions g. could scare people, I guess really I wish I could be less dependant but I shall see what the world throws at me

[creatureofthenyte]

This subject is very difficult for me to talk about.

I have had experiences in the not too distant past that have caused immense emotional pain.

Opening yourself to someone is probably one of the biggest risks to take ever.

Am I willing to do it ? yeah.

Edited March 3, 2010 by creatureofthenyte

[Homicidalheathen]

I run around with my heart wide open...I get taken advantage of allot but I have lived and loved enough for 100 (wo)men

Can be a bit intimidating but its what makes life worth living.

I am an open book. Prob to open.

[Eevee]

Hoooonestly...although I am a very open person and get along well with many people...I probably do fear love, to some extent. I've never been in love. But I think I also put it at such a scale of awesomeness in my head...that its going to be difficult for me to find someone who takes me to that level.

[jcheeka]

I learned a long time ago to never show who i truly was. I scare most people just by letting out the little bit of myself that I do. I am trying to open up to my boyfriend and let him in but its hard. He is the first person I have let see mostly who I am. In the past anybody that I got close to leaves me in some way so i close myself off from everyone. Falling for my boyfriend was never something I had planned on doing. I am really afraid to fully open up to him and let him in

[candyman]

I don't fear...I know better.

Not gonna open up to just anybody. Yeah I will be with a girl and all but just like driving a 5 speed if you shift too early you can have problems. There is a time and place and when it comes thats when you open up. Yes I will open up...but not as quickly as a $1 whore.

There are SO many things I can do when I am alone that it doesn't really bother me unless I am in the mood to do something with other people. No I am not talking about masturbation. Me and my car makes for a beautiful thing...and yes I talk to her. In past relationships if something went wrong I went straight to my car and started working which explains the excellent condition its in. Being alone helped me work things out...or end them.

[asphyxian_doll]

1) being vulnerable has never really scared me.

2) it can be at times. being alone has never really scared me, either.

That is a very healthy mind frame. I found that for the most part is the best outlook.

I've had issues with intimacy since my parents were very emotionally degrading, as well as co-dependent....

so its taken me two years to get to the conclusion and place where I am at now, with relationships.

I can finally agree with you on that one.

I think it depends on the person so since your asking our thoughts heres mine.

Because of my mental makeup and personality I tend to emotionally dependent on having someone in my life. Having borderline personality disorder if you read the symptoms shows an individual have a great fear of being alone. Yet they also can push people away. I do fear being alone. More now than ever when my 5 year marriage took a shit. Not having that comfort of someone to snuggle or be there to talk to me is very hard. When I am alone like in this situation I get paranoid, negative, pessimistic and even suicidally depressed. Its hard for me to cope with and I do my therapy and throw myself into things. But no amount of meds and coping skills can really change the fact that I am lonely and have no intimate partner I can just be with and let the world around us dissolve. Theres also different types of intimacy. So it depends how much of yourself you wanna open up. Do you feel comfortable with whoever your with knowing all your past? Do you feel comfortable sharing intimate details or sharing physical things like bedside mannerisms, kinks, fetishes, ect. I r am a open book. I like to openly communicate what I am all about. Due to the lack of it in my last relationship it fell apart as all the aspects of my life were changing into who I am today. I am learning to be more leary about my open book policy because a. it could give people wrong impressions g. could scare people, I guess really I wish I could be less dependant but I shall see what the world throws at me

I think you'll work through it as long as you can stay true to your own emotions, negative and positive, and be HONEST with yourself about EVERYTHING!

Most people beat themselves up and have misplaced shame and guilt about what they deem unacceptable as an individual, based on what other people such as their parents, or spouse(s) have conditioned them to believe.

If you feel like you need someone you probably need something from yourself that you have been dependent on outside of yourself.

When most people have these issues its due to someone outside of them, making it psychologically easy to depend on them, or somehow manipulating them to rely on them for something they should have within.

Its classic co-dependency.

I am a "pleaser, giver type" co-dependent.

Its really hard to work though and it causes a lot of stress.

I have a hard time tolerating and working through certain things that evoke my anxiety, but I've learned to look closely at every emotion and feeling I have and at least try to find the root to it.

I get to heady about things and analyze until I'm paralyzed to.

But it all rounds back to my co-dependency.

I've gotten to the point where I crave self love, self acceptance, and most of all, being comfortable in my own skin without a man to tell me I'm beautiful and I'm doing pretty good at it on my own with the help of a friend who's been through it.

I run around with my heart wide open...I get taken advantage of allot but I have lived and loved enough for 100 (wo)men

Can be a bit intimidating but its what makes life worth living.

I am an open book. Prob to open.

But you're still open.

don't let yourself become hardened to love, just raise your standards.

Hoooonestly...although I am a very open person and get along well with many people...I probably do fear love, to some extent. I've never been in love. But I think I also put it at such a scale of awesomeness in my head...that its going to be difficult for me to find someone who takes me to that level.

What is love to you?

Love to me is being able to live with my significant other, love them, still have great sex, and yet also have great gut level communication with them, be honest about each and every emotion I have that is about them, and be able to tolerate irritants that can frankly be so goddamn irritating I resent them!

like not filling up the tank, leaving the towel on the floor, eating my last yogurt, channel surfing when my favorite show is on and its a new episode.....etc.

Those are things most people are afraid of experiencing because they are shallow and idealistic.

Nothings perfect, and if you have a friend or a room mate that bothers you with mundane everyday things such as those, and you LOVE them enough to still be able to have a close knit bond with them....just add sex and romance to the mix and there you have it.

Don't have someone you can tolerate to that extent? then you have a ways to go...

I find that most people who complain about being alone, are the very ones who are too idealistic and self absorbed to see what a relationship is really about. ( not saying you're complaining, I'm just branching off >.>)

Love is a risk decision.

Edited March 3, 2010 by asphyxian_doll

[Homicidalheathen]

the only thing one has to fear is their own ego bruising.

get over it and love again

[Rev.Reverence]

I figured I would start a thread that really got deep into the psyche of each of us.

And I know that intimacy and being close to another human being would get DEEP.

Most of the people I meet are extremely grizzled, jaded or hardened to love, because they fear intimacy and fear love.

So what say you?

How willing are you to be vulnerable to another, to nurture and be in a relationship for the long haul?

Is being ALONE more appealing than being vulnerable?

Vulnerability, is an integral part of the human condition...

..whether alone, or in a crowd...all are vulnerable in some way...

I am a pack animal!

I am free about how I feel...not to just anyone...

..but, amongst, 'my-own'...certainly.

[Nienna]

I think my capacity to love is very great, and IF I can eventually trust a person, I give myself over to them entirely. It's a beautiful thing. The problem is, every time I have done that, I have gotten burned in one way or another. Now it takes a LONG time for me to allow that sort of intimacy, because it opens up the possibility of being crushed again. It's not fair to my current SO, or to anyone I may be with in the future, but there it is.

[bean]

My husband is the first person I have ever fully opened up to. It's really difficult for me though. I always had walls up, and I never let anyone in. It was just easier that way - I couldn't get hurt if I didn't let anyone in.

But, opening up has really made my relationship with my husband better and so much deeper than any relationship I've ever had. I want to spend my life with him, and I look forward to doing so.

I've jumped from relationship to relationship since I was 16 (I'm 30 now), so I haven't been alone for a really long time, though I don't know if the angsty teenage years count anyway. None of those relationships were fulfilling because I was so closed off, and because I think I subconsciously chose people that I couldn't trust and that would completely fuck me over, so I didn't have to get close to them. I tended to chose partners who were abusive, in one form or another.

I didn't fall in love for the first time until I was almost 22 years old. And the love I felt in that relationship was so different than the love that I feel for my husband now. The love I felt then was superficial, and the love I feel now is very deep. It's hard to explain, but I think that the difference is that there is intimacy in this relationship, and there wasn't in any other relationship that I had.

[FarrIL]

I'm not afraid of it really, I just know if someone pushes to get closer to me and I think it's too quick or too rough, I shut off. At least towards them.

I have these spurts where everything is fine and then BOOM, something bad happens. I dont scream "The world is ending" or anything like that, but I freak out really bad. To the point where I need to sleep to calm down, and I do mean "needs a freakin' nap". If someone can be near me when those things happen, and be there to calm me down, that's usually the worst of it.

I dont have issues opening up to people, but the whole letting them in thing....... people whom I've known longer get top priority than people I've just met. And I'm more prone to fighting with the one I've known longer than shutting off.

[Msterbeau]

I like intimacy.

[Tyger]

I like intimacy.

[StormKnight (1)]

I would prefer it.

[Oh_My_Goth]

You have to be completely honest to someone if you plan to have a relationship... Right from the beginning. If the person runs, then they would have ran eventually anyhow.

I am more apprehensive now that I have had many love experiences, but I don't let that hold Me back from opening up to people. See you gotta dive in head first.. Not heart first

& I have found that getting hurt is a part of learning how to have a stressful relationship.. Through trial and error I learned that I needed to make better choices for "ME" in the beginning of a relationship.. The compromises come later.

[Eevee]

Well...now that I think about it more, its not necessarily that I fear it.

I have only found a couple of people I've felt very strongly for, but they didn't return the same amount of feelings in return. Otherwise, something always goes wrong in my head that makes my liking for someone reduce.

I picture love as someone who feels just as strongly as I do about them. Someone who I can be myself with and who I can always adore. Someone who shares my interests or respects them. So on and so forth.

[the_fairy_gothmother]

You have to be completely honest to someone if you plan to have a relationship... Right from the beginning. If the person runs, then they would have ran eventually anyhow.

I am more apprehensive now that I have had many love experiences, but I don't let that hold Me back from opening up to people. See you gotta dive in head first.. Not heart first

& I have found that getting hurt is a part of learning how to have a stressful relationship.. Through trial and error I learned that I needed to make better choices for "ME" in the beginning of a relationship.. The compromises come later.

Yeah see thats what I believe i will do. Be upfront and show them hey this is me. Because my ex husband and I kept learning more things about each other and well to our dissatisfaction those things clashed. The more open I became about my lifestyle and taste of music and style the more he tried to repress me. His idea in life was living a quiet lil life with little friends and little social life. Though things were bad he did at least do nice things like cook for me and stuff. But only because he could within our living space.

Ahh he gave me my old passport. 8th of July 2004 I met him in England. I stayed until August 24th. I had a great time in England, but maybe I should have seen the warning signs back then. I was blinded by everything so being with a british guy that I guess I just let my guard down. Its not always easy to get my trust.I been let down so much in life by everyone. Well I guess now I can look past and get over the charm of people and look deeper into them. I will be upfront about myself. They will get to know me. Because now I am happy with who I am i life and I wont change it for anyone. I suppose I snuck these changes on him so I can see why he got all defensive. Oh well. Now I just hope that as time goes on when the right fella comes along we can both be upfront honest and say hey this is who I am.

[asphyxian_doll]

I'm not afraid of it really, I just know if someone pushes to get closer to me and I think it's too quick or too rough, I shut off. At least towards them.

I have these spurts where everything is fine and then BOOM, something bad happens. I dont scream "The world is ending" or anything like that, but I freak out really bad. To the point where I need to sleep to calm down, and I do mean "needs a freakin' nap". If someone can be near me when those things happen, and be there to calm me down, that's usually the worst of it.

yeah I know....I had one of those moments today.

I'm in a situation where I live with my dad and my best friend/room mate who is going through some major shit, on top of that half of my paycheck goes into house taxes to pay for a house that ISN'T mine because no one else will fucking do it, and also pay my bills while having to live off my dad, who resents me for needing him every step of the way, but makes a point to say "we're family we need to stick together" when HE is talking about HIM needing MY financial fucking help?! yay....how fucking thoughtful.

I need to sleep to calm down, but escape sleeping usually makes the next day worse, and so fourth until I finally explode.

So I deal with it when it happens.....

what tipped me over the edge is checking up on my piece of shit jeep that I bought for 500.

It had a working trans, but it has issues with the shift, and sometimes I have to have it in neutral to start.

It didn't start no matter what I did and I think I was just stupid and ran down the battery.

I don't know all of the inner workings and settings on the damn thing because the seller didn't tell me everything I needed to fucking know about it.

So it just was the straw that brutally murdered the camel and ate its unborn child.

I dont have issues opening up to people, but the whole letting them in thing....... people whom I've known longer get top priority than people I've just met. And I'm more prone to fighting with the one I've known longer than shutting off.

me too. I fight with my roomie....and we aren't even dating. I feel like we are, but not in a million years sort of thing. Everything but sex and romance. I want to stab everyone I live with sometimes.

Edited March 3, 2010 by asphyxian_doll

[AstralCrux]

I think my capacity to love is very great, and IF I can eventually trust a person, I give myself over to them entirely. It's a beautiful thing. The problem is, every time I have done that, I have gotten burned in one way or another. Now it takes a LONG time for me to allow that sort of intimacy, because it opens up the possibility of being crushed again. It's not fair to my current SO, or to anyone I may be with in the future, but there it is.

I agree. But, I've just gotten so jaded that I won't give anyone a chance in hell. And, the ones that do amuse me get taken just before I meet them. So, I never get beyond mildly amused.

[Homicidalheathen]

to quote a good friend who is going through a hard time right now:

The dual edge of love, like a sword, as brilliant and magnificent as it is, still cuts no matter which way you swing it. As always, I say that it is better to love and feel the pain than to never know love at all. I know no fear, and welcome pain that love may visit me again and again.

JL

[the_fairy_gothmother]

I do have a crush and its a mutual thing. Hes coming here to see me. I probably known him as long as my ex but as a friend. I am so leary though even tho this dudes wayyyy cooler, social, funny, sensitive and well going out of his way to come here and party with me and show me a good time and cheer me up. Please tell me what you think? I am already pretty open and honest with him and so it seems the same vice versa. I wont rush into anything but I never really had anyone able to give me much of an opinion on the last guy. I know its just a short clip tho hes got more stuff and has even been on a tv game show. Meet Mike (Magus) which hopefully soon you will meet once they stop being gay about giving him a passport in his country lol. Its taking a bit log due to confusion on his origins of birth. he only had a adoption cert and not a original birth. He has no clue where he was born.

Okay I rambled on enough he is Magus!