Comfortable With Being Single ?

[Onyx]

Ok then I will ask the guy that owns a place we can hold it in Detroit at 7ml and woodward it is a chiropractors clinic.  I would only charge enough to give him somehting for the space like 5 bucks a head.

I think if we all got cuddles we wouldn't feel so lonlely and/or desparate and thus act out of desparation.

Sometimes I just want to cuddle.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well, it sounds good in theory, but other than lots of hugs at CC for my friends, I'd feel weird cuddling with someone I wasn't in a relationship with.

[Shade Everdark]

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I think it comes down to the difference between 'want' and 'need'.

I suppose most people want to be loved, or at least wanted in an emotional sense. But it's something that no one needs. I think it simply comes down to realizing that you can be happy on your own. You don't need anyone else to complete you - all that's simply a misconception. You're already complete. The only thing that happens when you find someone that special is to create something new, that is greater than the sum of its parts.

But it doesn't diminish the part, to be on its own.

[Msterbeau]

Sometimes yes...sometimes no. Right now. No.

[saechalyn]

I think Shade makes a good point with want vs. need. It's ok to want someone, but it's dangerous when people think they "need" someone else to "complete" them. I'm hesistant to say I'm content to be single, because I do get lonely and it would be nice to have someone that I connect with, but at the same time I'm not going to jump into just anything that comes along to avoid being by myself. People who do that, I think, are often trying to avoid facing something in themselves and using whatever comes along as a distraction. Or they're just trying to get laid.

I'm afraid I can't answer your question, Troy, because for me the challenge is not in being comfortable being single, but being comfortable with the idea that I DO want a relationship. I'm quite used to being on my own and not at all comfortable with the idea of relying on someone.

[pomba gira]

Maybe if you're a girl its a little more difficult for men.  Guys will stick their dicks in anything i.e. mudhole, toilet paper rolls, even pizza

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah but for guys it doesn't matter if the sex is actually any good or not... it matters a great deal for women. Finding a partner who is likely to be worth the time & effort is the hard part.

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I think it comes down to the difference between 'want' and 'need'.

I suppose most people want to be loved, or at least wanted in an emotional sense.  But it's something that no one needs.  I think it simply comes down to realizing that you can be happy on your own.  You don't need anyone else to complete you - all that's simply a misconception.  You're already complete.  The only thing that happens when you find someone that special is to create something new, that is greater than the sum of its parts.

But it doesn't diminish the part, to be on its own.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

true dat... when I was 30 my bf at the time went to prison for 3-10/5-20 yrs... I promised not to move in w/anyone else while he was gone... broke up w/him after about year & 1/2 but in the meantime I learned to be alone... and to be OK with being alone. It was the longest in my adult life I'd lived on my own and it was the best thing that could've happened to me. Learning to be complete and secure in one's own company is such an important lesson... especially for women who are often socialized to believe they are incomplete without a partner.

for me the challenge is not in being comfortable being single, but being comfortable with the idea that I DO want a relationship.  I'm quite used to being on my own and not at all comfortable with the idea of relying on someone.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This will seem to contradict what I just said but I'm kind ov in the same situation... I left Estranged Hubby Rick almost 4 yrs ago & have been on my own (& mostly celibate which is TRULY weird for me) since. Now I'm starting to think I might want someone special in my life again... but I have no idea how to go about it. I've always just kind of stumbled into relationships, it was never like I was actually husband hunting or whatever. So even if I wanted to go looking, I have no idea how to do it. Especially since I have almost no social life compared with back then. I do believe that the right person will come along when they're meant to... but I have to wonder, how will he/she find me when I hardly go anywhere but work, the grocery store, & the park? Heh, guess I'll just have to have faith & be alert... maybe I should at least start making offerings to ErzulieFreda...

And then again, it's sooo nice to have everything exactly the way I want it in my own home... I'm very territorial, & thought about this a lot over the weekend after I witnessed a disagreement between my mom & stepdad over some household issue. It will be really hard to learn how to compromise again!

[cptdeath]

:fear

It's not a weakness.  It's NOT! 

Only strong, unselfish, giving people have the ability to love.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

:fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear :fear

hay cool lets talk about feelings? whatever guy. do a shot

in my unprofesional opinion

pistons are winning

how can i describe this? when you discover you value your own life more than you thought, then you begin to worry about things you never used to.

for example: some guy never considred the other people involved in there life when making alot of decissions till he lost the love (trust and/or respect) of enough people to realive the value of it.

Now that the value of it is established your life has focus. the more you care to be alive the more you care what happens next. your responsabilty of freindship that you have amassed Mr.Spiral is something that gives you a reason to worry about what happens next in this life.They care about how it would make them feel and you feel becouse your a community you represent all the people that care about you

you follow me?

you never noticed your self growing.Just today your older and life is new but the past.THE PAST Mr.spiral never changes.whats why you care so much about what happens next becouse it never goes away after it happens

sorry I'm out of place and being rude

seriously you should do a shot :fear

[Nienna]

:fear

:fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear

hay cool lets talk about feelings? whatever guy. do a shot

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Not exactly an appropriate response in my opinion. If someone is going through something painful and has the courage to admit they are not exactly ok to people they percieve to be friends, seeking advice or just comfort, there is nothing wrong with it.

Too many people just say ehhhh... do a shot. but what happens when you sober up?? Learn some tact. All I ask.

[torn asunder]

...THE PAST Mr.spiral never changes.whats why you care so much about what happens next becouse it never goes away after it happens...

the past, like the future, doesn't exist... you think the past never goes away? ask 10 people about an event that happened last year, and i'll bet you get ten versions of the story. if it's not the same, how can you prove it happened, the way you remember?if you can't, it doesn't exist... true, you are the result of the decisions you've made up to this point, but by no means do those decisions define you - only you, in the present moment, can do that. to say "i made a mistake in the past, so that makes me a fuck-up", is to limit yourself unnecessarily. why not say, "i made a mistake, and that makes me wiser, for i have learned from it!"? from this point, you can choose to do anything you want, regardless of the past, and regardless of what others think of it. i think we get too hung up on the thought "how will others look at me if i act in a way that they don't expect?" live your life, make choices that fit with your philosophies - in essence, be true to yourself, and your beliefs... it's all any one of us can do.

remember, "those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind"

(uummm, is this even on topic still!? sorry for the slightly connected tangent) :fear

[Neptunebaby]

There are times when I am perfectly happy being single. Why? because I feel that I don't have the time available to be a good companion to anyone else. I work full time, go to school and have a seven year old son at home. Most of the time I believe that I can't put forth a sufficient amount of effort into a relationship. I am also a big fan of my own space. And, at times, I'm a moody, demanding bitch. But I do get lonely just like everyone else. I long to have someone in my life that will understand me, tolerate me, support me emotionally and spiritually, love me unconditionally. That's just the way we are. As everyone else has previously stated... we are only human. Don't worry.. you'll find "the one" or she will find you... and you won't even remember feeling this way.

I wish I had a "quick fix" remedy, but no one does. Life is hard. It just is.

So.. I have to ask... who is she?

[Vivian]

Troy, my heart goes out to you. I have known you on and off for three years through this board. I can't say i know exactly what you are going through, because noone ever feels the same way *completly*. But you have my friendship, and a shoulder to cry, if you ever need it.

Sincerely,

Vivian

[Hellion]

:devil The past girlfriend that I had probably the best one I had in a long time we went out for awhile; then when I lost my job I was pretty much dumped becuase the new job I got was lower pay. but ohwell.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Thanks for the many, amazingly considerate responses and warm intentions. Im a bit reluctant to start replying as im not wanting to rip open partially healed wound at the moment, and , with so many wonderful posts , i feel if i respond to one i'll have to respond to all of them. I will , just taking me awhile to get my thoughts straight.

Thank you all so much.

[DarkVampire]

I know how you feel. I've been single for so long, too long. It all started when I let the best thing that ever happened to me slip out of my life. I don't want to be single but it's so hard to get out of the rut you dug yourself in. So damned hard that I don't know how to get out of it. But I know how you feel Troy. Been there and still unfortunately still there.

In recent years i was always very comfortable with "being single" and i enjoyed my freedom.  Now, all the sudden im scared to death of it.  Its , for lack of a better term "weakening".  I felt in the past that i was generally very emotionally strong.  Now, i feel as if im not in control of certain aspects of my emotions and that im vulnerable to all sorts of possible crazy trauma that i wasn't , at least in recent years afraid of.

What the heck happened to me?  Feel like i got in another car accident only this one there isn't really any medicine for.  Wish i could go back to the old way of thinking.  I used to make jokes about "being a sap" or "being a mush ball" whenever i was getting a bit overly passionate / romantic about someone or something.  Now , its hard to even joke about it.  I think im a permanent sap. 

Its a DRASTIC change.  For years I've been trying to cultivate the idea that its "ok to be single" and was puzzled why so many people seem like they just cannot be happy no matter what if they are not with someone.  Almost to the point were the seem to be taking just about anything that comes along.

Now, im starting to understand this sort of thinking and its scaring me a bit.  Its almost like if your single there's something "missing".  Before i didn't think this way at all.  I thought im fine by myself, if something great comes along, good!  If not im still happy and having fun!

Not sure how i lost that feeling , or even if i want it back for sure.  Its amazingly painful.  I've never been one to "chase after" a relationship, as soon as i thought it wasn't working out i'd usually start looking for an exit.  Now i have almost the opposite opinion.

Now i have this tremendous longing for someone that truly understands me and loves me in a romantic way, andi feel the same of them. This feeling just will not seem to leave, i swear to god i feel like im 15 seconds away from crying my eyes out , very regularly because if this really intense longing.  How sad is that?

Before my defense mechanism was to become sort of hard-shelled and insulate myself to the point where i can clearly remember several instances were some very sweet, attractive girls were pushed away by me because i was in my "defense" stage to avoid getting hurt.  I dont think i want to do that anymore.  But the alternative is to walk around with a gaping hole in your heart?  Ouch. Not sure i like that alternative either.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[cptdeath]

the past, like the future, doesn't exist... you think the past never goes away? ask 10 people about an event that happened last year, and i'll bet you get ten versions of the story. if it's not the same, how can you prove it happened, the way you remember?if you can't, it doesn't exist... true, you are the result of the decisions you've made up to this point, but by no means do those decisions define you - only you, in the present moment, can do that. to say "i made a mistake in the past, so that makes me a fuck-up", is to limit yourself unnecessarily. why not say, "i made a mistake, and that makes me wiser, for i have learned from it!"? from this point, you can choose to do anything you want, regardless of the past, and regardless of what others think of it. i think we get too hung up on the thought "how will others look at me if i act in a way that they don't expect?" live your life, make choices that fit with your philosophies - in essence, be true to yourself, and your beliefs... it's all any one of us can do.

remember, "those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind"

(uummm, is this even on topic still!? sorry for the slightly connected tangent)  :fear

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

listen dude we agree on a lot i'm just not felt the way you think. your memory is what you think what you think is how you are controlled. what you do or did matters more then what you think. your memory changes so does everyones thats my point. IF YOU CHOSE NOT TO DECIDE YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE

actions have reactions. thoughts and feelings do not. Don't worry about it thoughts and feelings allways change. Your decisions will allways exist. you cannot tell me that what happened five minutes ago did not exist because you think you don't remember it. see your thoughts have allready allowed you to be controlled by outside influence the pistons really lost. I don't mean to piss you off but if you don't remember me pissing you off it never happened. yeah right dude

you shouldn't need to prove shit to yourself unless you question your own recollection. I try hard not to make concreate judgements but nobody's perfect

some times you need that peice of mind exampl: OH this guy did that to me and he did this to my family and he's about to to do this, he's a peice of sh@t and I should protect myself based on reality. But i feel this way about him we go way back he said this because of that bla bla bla and the other thing. No look at what people do to judge them. I don't care who believes in what as long as what they do is not affecting my life adversly. Your wicka thats cool whatever you slash my tires cause i'm a suit and tie I don't care what god told you to do it I can't drive home now you see were reality becomes so important in decision making

I do agree with you in alot of way's but then if you believe that then you agree with me in alot of way's and the only thing that matters in a conflict were both parties agree is what they do. Not that we agree or disagree :fear

[Dollardave]

Thanks for the many, amazingly considerate respondes and warm intentions.  Im a bit reluctant to start replying as im not wanting to rip open partially healed wound at the moment, and , with so many wonderful posts , i feel if i respond to one i'll have to respond to all of them.  I will , just taking me awhile to get my thoughts straight.

Thank you all so much.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

To be honest Troy I think you and Neptunebaby make a great couple maybe you two can start dating or something ya know. She seems like a nice person and you're naturally nice try that maybe dunno just making suggestions so u wont have that "lonely" horrible single person feel to life.

[cptdeath]

Not exactly an appropriate response in my opinion. If someone is going through something painful and has the courage to admit they are not exactly ok to people they percieve to be friends, seeking advice or just comfort, there is nothing wrong with it.

Too many people just say ehhhh... do a shot. but what happens when you sober up?? Learn some tact. All I ask.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

again my intentions are ill preceived :fear

not ehhh....do a shot i guess thats weak

i want " Whooooooooooo do a shot , yeah

if you understand healthy drinking compared to lonley drinking

I'm not saying drink a fith in the attic by yourself then kill yourself

i'm saying get some wild folks with you turn the motley crue all the way up do 100 on the highway with the windows down and get fucked up on your way to the club

quit talking about your feelings hang your head out the window and scream at trafic. sometimes you need a posative experience to get you to stop running over old track in your mind.whop whop get lose :fear

I hope you get what i'm saying and I think troy might appreciate some one saying

aw fU@k that chick dude do a shot it really aint nothing

:fear

[Neptunebaby]

To be honest Troy I think you and Neptunebaby make a great couple maybe you two can start dating or something ya know.  She seems like a nice person and you're naturally nice try that maybe dunno just making suggestions so u wont have that "lonely" horrible single person feel to life.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hey DD... I am certain that you are trying to be a good friend and I'm sure Troy appreciates it, but you don't know me enough to make that statement. In fact, you don't know me at all. So.. it seems to me that you want Troy and I to be together as a couple because you saw a picture of us together and.. hey, why not? right? But what substance is your opinion based on? I am SO busy with work, school and my two boys that if we did date he would still have that "lonely, horrible, single-person feel to life." So, please don't include me in your plans to find a partner for Troy. Besides the fact that Troy is perfectly capable of choosing his own partner. I love Troy and he is probably the most amazing friend I have ever had.. but I am not at a point in my life to add more to my plate. I am already trying to catch things that are slipping off the edge.

Again.. I appreciate the compliment, the suggestion, and your friendship to such a great friend of mine. I am in NO way attempting to be a bitch here. Just keeping it "real."

Edited July 6, 2005 by Neptunebaby

[Guest Game of Chance]

So I was thinking about this just now, and suddenly, for some reason, I am sick and tired of casual relationships. Maybe if I met someone who could have a truly casual relationship, it'd be great, but it seems that one party always ends up falling for the other. LOL, this is coming from someone that was a full-fledged, card-carrying member of the casual relationship club.

Maybe I just need to meet the right girl.

Or Bjork.

One of the two :grin

[Nienna]

So I was thinking about this just now, and suddenly, for some reason, I am sick and tired of casual relationships.  Maybe if I met someone who could have a truly casual relationship, it'd be great, but it seems that one party always ends up falling for the other.  LOL, this is coming from someone that was a full-fledged, card-carrying member of the casual relationship club. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I had a "casual" realtionship for a long time.. We both ended up very hurt and are barely friends... My other "casual" relationship ended with me getting really hurt. It's a cool idea, but I really think the human heart just dosn't work that way. You're either friends or more, and if one feels one way and one feels the other, there's potential for hurt... and it almost never works out that both feel the same way.

Just my jaded little pill...

[Guest Game of Chance]

I had a "casual" realtionship for a long time.. We both ended up very hurt and are barely friends... My other "casual" relationship ended with me getting really hurt. It's a cool idea, but I really think the human heart just dosn't work that way. You're either friends or more, and if one feels one way and one feels the other, there's potential for hurt... and it almost never works out that both feel the same way.

Just my jaded little pill...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No...I mean meet someone new and keep it casual...I don't mix friendship and pleasure

Usually my phone just ends up ringing off the hook and I feel bad about not answering...

The problem is I keep dating people that I know I don't want to be serious with...its a vicious cycle...cause they're so damn cute when you meet them and then suddenly you feel like they're gnawing at your soul

Which is precisely why I'm sticking with Bjork :grin

[Troy Spiral (13)]

I'm with Nienna...its easy to find someone to have fun with for the night...or a couple of weeks or whatever...but to find someone that you connect with on that deeper level...is much more rare

Troy, like I said before...dude...you are Troy Fucking Spiral...and you know it

You just have to find something that you enjoy doing on your own...for me it was poker...I started playing after I broke up with my girlfriend of 6+ years...now I consider myself to be one of the best players in the Detroit area.  You just gotta find something that you enjoy...that will occupy your time.  You'll meet the right person when the time is right, and no sooner.  In the meantime, stay social like you are...and have some fun for crying out loud.

Good luck bro

Good advice.

Oh, Troy... how you mirror my heart sometimes. 

I haven't got anything new to say really, just murmerings of all else that's been said.  Strength comes and goes, and in the absence of it, you feel things that much more.  Needing love and companionship isn't a weakness at all, though.  You'll get through this too, find distractions in daily life, new projects to occupy your mind.  Different ways to love and be loved. 

I wish you the best, you're too good of a guy to have to feel down about this. 

You need lots of hugs, I'm sorry I'm not there to share them.  *squeeze*

You.... omg. Thank you.

At the risk of sounding pedantic, I think it comes down to the difference between 'want' and 'need'.

I suppose most people want to be loved, or at least wanted in an emotional sense.  But it's something that no one needs.  I think it simply comes down to realizing that you can be happy on your own.  You don't need anyone else to complete you - all that's simply a misconception.  You're already complete.  The only thing that happens when you find someone that special is to create something new, that is greater than the sum of its parts.

But it doesn't diminish the part, to be on its own.

Im fairly clear on the fact that i dont "need to find the one true love to survive as a human" but the romantic in me doesn't want to quite go so far as to turn "relationship buddhist" and just not desire it, at least not anymore. I was there for a long time. I knew what love was, but not this kind, not this blazing sort of thing that im now, scared to death will not come again.

:fear

:fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear  :fear

hay cool lets talk about feelings? whatever guy. do a shot

in my unprofesional opinion

pistons are winning

how can i describe this? when you discover you value your own life more than you thought, then you begin to worry about things you never used to.

for example: some guy never considred the other people involved in there life when making alot of decissions till he lost the love   (trust and/or respect) of enough people to realive the value of it.

Now that the value of it is established your life has focus. the more you care to be alive the more you care what happens next. your responsabilty of freindship that you have amassed Mr.Spiral is something that gives you a reason to worry about what happens next in this life.They care about how it would make them feel and you feel becouse your a community you represent all the people that care about you

you follow me?

you never noticed your self growing.Just today your older and life is new but the past.THE PAST Mr.spiral never changes.whats why you care so much about what happens next becouse it never goes away after it happens

sorry I'm out of place and being rude

                                                              seriously you should do a shot :fear

I follow you, and its good stuff. Unfortunately i've been through it , mentally, and live a fairly self-examined life and thought i understood all this already. But, the train-wreck has hit ... regardless of all my philosophizing. (and I've been at it for years) The comments are much appreciated , just not quite hitting home. Having given similar counsel for years, you'd think i'd have it down pat by now. :erm

There are times when I am perfectly happy being single. Why? because I feel that I don't have the time available to be a good companion to anyone else. I work full time, go to school and have a seven year old son at home. Most of the time I believe that I can't put forth a sufficient amount of effort into a relationship. I am also a big fan of my own space. And, at times, I'm a moody, demanding bitch. But I do get lonely just like everyone else. I long to have someone in my life that will understand me, tolerate me, support me emotionally and spiritually, love me unconditionally.  That's just the way we are. As everyone else has previously stated...   we are only human. Don't worry.. you'll find "the one" or she will find you... and you won't even remember feeling this way.

I wish I had a "quick fix" remedy, but no one does. Life is hard. It just is.

*reads above comment again* sounds just like what i would say to myself , if i'd only listen. *blinks* thanks toni.

Troy, my heart goes out to you. I have known you on and off for three years through this board. I can't say i know exactly what you are going through, because noone ever feels the same way *completly*. But you have my friendship, and a shoulder to cry, if you ever need it.

Sincerely,

Vivian

Thanks Vivian. Sweetheart as always.

No...I mean meet someone new and keep it casual...I don't mix friendship and pleasure

Usually my phone just ends up ringing off the hook and I feel bad about not answering...

The problem is I keep dating people that I know I don't want to be serious with...its a vicious cycle...cause they're so damn cute when you meet them and then suddenly you feel like they're gnawing at your soul

Which is precisely why I'm sticking with Bjork  :grin

Been there, many times. Careful sir, its a rough road. Wind up feeling like mildy good for a few weeks/months... and a total and complete jackass for years.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Thanks again to everyone for all the very kind hearted comments.

[torn asunder]

listen dude we agree on a lot i'm just not felt the way you think.  your memory is what you think what you think is how you are controlled. what you do or did matters more then what you think. your memory changes so does everyones thats my point.  IF YOU CHOSE NOT TO DECIDE YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE

actions have reactions. thoughts and feelings do not. Don't worry about it thoughts and feelings allways change. Your decisions will allways exist. you cannot tell me that what happened five minutes ago did not exist because you think you don't remember it. see your thoughts have allready allowed you to be controlled by outside influence the pistons really lost. I don't mean to piss you off but if you don't remember me pissing you off it never happened. yeah right dude

you shouldn't need to prove shit to yourself unless you question your own recollection. I try hard not to make concreate judgements but nobody's perfect

some times you need that peice of mind exampl: OH this guy did that to me and he did this to my family and he's about to to do this, he's a peice of sh@t and I should protect myself based on reality.  But i feel this way about him we go way back he said this because of that bla bla bla and the other thing. No look at what people do to judge them. I don't care who believes in what as long as what they do is not affecting my life adversly.  Your wicka thats cool whatever you slash my tires cause i'm a suit and tie I don't care what god told you to do it I can't drive home now you see were reality becomes so important in decision making

I do agree with you in alot of way's but then if you believe that then you agree with me in alot of way's and the only thing that matters in a conflict were both parties agree is what they do.  Not that we agree or disagree  :fear

memory is great, but one does not have to be controlled by memories. memories make us who we are, but they don't have to control us. memories are nothing more than our interpretation of the past, and as such, can be fallible... of course, we remember what we will, but that doesn't mean it's the absolute truth. no matter the past, we can choose any future we want - and that was my point... the past doesn't have to control the future - you stated that if i don';t remember you pissing me off, it didn't happen; well for me, if i don';t remember it, then it didn't... in fact, without corroberation, a person would be hard-pressed to prove anything in their life happened. if you lived your life alone, outside of society, and were asked what you did the previous dayh, you could gtell someone, but how coulod you say for sure!? was it yesterday, or the day before!? did the events actually happen!? prove it... reality is relative...

somehow, i feel like i've digressed... :fear

[cptdeath]

:fear yeah

cool

did we solve anything?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Not sure this one is solvable. Its nice to know people care enough to comment though.

I should change the subtitle of this thread, i totally dont want to be single. Nor do i have any interest in an "open" relationship. I just want one. The last one, forever.