Family Issue (we are not a pocket book)

[LadyKay]

My stepdaughter who has been living in Tenn has been unable to find a job. Over the past months she as contacted us asking money for gas, food, ect. Which we have sent. My husband when he had to go to a job near where she lives, took the time to visit with her and took her out to eat. This past Sept she got accepted to a collage. The problem was is she had no job and no money to pay for what she needed for collage. She contacted us asking us for money to pay for her collage books and stuff. We did not have the money to do this. We told her since she is unable to find work where she is that she could come here and live with us until she gets back on her feet. She refused to do so saying she dose not want people to know her business. My husband basically told her she is an adult and that it is up to her to change her situation. And that we can not pay for her collage stuff. Well she got mad and refuse to contact us for 3 months. Well yesterday she sent an email to my husband telling him that he is a bad parent. Complaining that he takes his other 2 kids out to eat and gives them money but she does not get anything! My husband and I were both like what the crap? She lives in Tenn. Its not like he can drive down there every weekend and take her out to eat. Further more she has been sent money from us nearly every time she has called except for paying for her collage stuff which we simply can not do. His other 2 kids which are also grown have been given some money here and there just to help them out the same as her. My husband and I also have 5 year old daughter together who's needs have to come before my stepdaughter, because my stepdaughter is nearly 22 years old. My husband explain to her that if he has the money he gives it when it is needed. But that he is not rich. My husband thinks she is angry about her life and stuff. I told my husband that I think he is thought of as a pocketbook. Personally I am sick of all of this. After all we did, sending her money when she said she needed it for food and gas. She refuses contact for 3 months then she sends an email telling him he is a bad parent! I'm sick of this. Right now I am so mad I don't want to send her anything for Christmas. I have thought about sending her a gift card so that she can buy what she needs. But I feel so much like we are just being used anymore. I don't know???

Well there you go that is my family issue.

[Slogo]

I can understand her being upset if she can't afford something. But there's no need to blame someone who's been taking care of them for over 20 years and lives in a different state. I've occasionally been upset over something my parents do but I always try to put in in perspective. My mom spends more money and attention on my cousin's two year old daughter than she does on me. However I don't need it and I understand that.

[victoriavengeance (1)]

She needs to grow up. I as an 18 year old full time student with a part time job feel AWFUL asking my parents for money, and I have had a job since I was 13... I have only had one 3 month period of unemployment and made sure to find a job. I know it's hard out there, but I think because she thinks that she can just ask you for money whenever and GET it, she hasn't been trying and putting actual effort into finding work and trying to make ends meet.... I mean, I don't mean to judge her but I just don't think that's right to you guys- I know how hard financially it can be, and you have a child that doesn't even have the ABILITY to provide for herself to worry about. She has the ability to, whether or not the economy is bad. It's just unfair to you guys.

[jynxxxedangel]

I'd tell that spoilt little so-and-so to KICK ROCKS, or get her ass HOME.

[TitsMcGee]

Has she not heard of student loans, or pell grant? Where is her mother in all this? Because if she is just running to daddy for money that's bull shit. Seriously just send her a Christmas card, nothing else because really it doesn't sound like she appreciates you anyway. If she did, she'd realize by living in Michigan of all places, you have it worse than she does.

[KatRN05]

My advice would be to tell her that she is a grown adult and needs to start being more responsible. It's time for her to get a job. Seriously, I know people who worked three jobs and went to nursing school. It's not easy but you have to make the best of it. You and your husband need to stop giving in to these hissy fits that she has when you say no. Telling her she needs to come live with you and your husband is not a solution and I think that would be more enabling.

Edited December 19, 2010 by KatRN05

[LadyKay]

We did not tell her she had to come live with us. But we did make the offer letting her know that it could be an option for her. Last I heard I guess she does have a job now. I guess what I am really pissed about is we helped her out when we could and then when we can't she refuses to talk to us for 3 months then calls her father a bad parent. Seems a bit ungrateful to me and makes me feel like we are just something to be used.

But would you send her a Christmas gift after being told your a bad parent?

Edited December 19, 2010 by LadyKay

[TitsMcGee]

We did not tell her she had to come live with us. But we did make the offer letting her know that it could be an option for her. Last I heard I guess she does have a job now. I guess what I am really pissed about is we helped her out when we could and then when we can't she refuses to talk to us for 3 months then calls her father a bad parent. Seems a bit ungrateful to me and makes me feel like we are just something to be used.

But would you send her a Christmas gift after being told your a bad parent?

No just send her a Christmas card acknowledging the her and the holiday and that's it. Explain in it after what she said, you feel that she doesn't deserve a gift this year for what she said. Tell her that even though you love her, she can't treat you like shit because she didn't get her way.

[Reaper]

My brother is kind of the same way. He is bipolar and can be manic depressive but I never saw that as an excuse to blame everyone else about his own problems. He is even on social security disability because he can't hold a job (because he won't stay on his meds). He is totally using the system so he can live as a bum on the taxpayers back and work an under the table job here and there for extra cash. Personally I hate it, but it keeps him out of our houses and in his own situation. Even as much as we have helped him he gets himself into his own situations. Then when we tell him we can't help, he thinks he is being slighted and says because we are family we need to help each other, although he is the only one being helped. Thing is, he never learns from his problems and expects us to bail him out every time. People need to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for what they do.

I lived off and on in my car for 3 years because I didn't want any handouts or ask anyone for help. I gave plasma for a long time to get my money sometimes too. I always found a way to make it with very little, and for that I think I realized how much of a better person it made me for knowing I could survive without someone's help. I help those who deserve it, or even a stranger who is down on his luck like being broken down on the highway. But to help someone who consistently asks for money and help, and expect it? Hell fuck no. Would rather watch them panhandle on the streets to feel what its like to really not have help.

Edited December 21, 2010 by Reaper

[bean]

I would not send her a gift because she is being an ungrateful little snot. She sounds like a spoiled brat who just assumes you will take care of her and she doesn't have to be responsible for herself.

As others have said, just send her a card, but no gift.

Stop helping her out. She needs to learn to take care of herself and not rely on others. Besides, do you really want to help someone that will turn around and treat you like shit?

[TygerLili]

Has your husband addressed the e-mail she sent and her ungrateful behavior with her? If not, he needs to do so, pronto. However, a note in a Christmas card is not the time or place to do this. That's not the point of a Christmas card, and it will just cause more problems and hard feelings between them.

I can totally understand why you feel hurt, and why you feel like you don't want to send something to someone who doesn't seem appreciative of it, or you. But, if it were me, I would still send her a card with a small ($10-20) gift, and then address the issue separately in an e-mail or on the phone. Don't sink down to her level of pettiness; be the bigger, wiser person, and hope that she'll learn from your example.

[Lillylu29]

HA! I just had my 15 yr old daughter whom decided to go live with her dad years ago (whom is a major loser(the dad not the daughter)) ie lives with friends, never holds a job, ect... call me up and tell me EVERYTHING was my fault, im a bad parent, that I should of never bought them clothes for myself that I should of saved that money for them, ect.ect... she aint getting shit from me for christmas.... Iv given her money when needed, bought her a cell phone, ect ect... pfffttt wont be getting anything more from me for a LOOOOOONG time...

(long story as to why shes living with her dad which will NOT be explained so for thoes whom like to judge no I didnt just let them go live with there dad nuff said)

[Rev.Reverence]

She refused to do so saying she dose not want people to know her business.

This, means she is probably boozing, drugging, & fucking a whole bunch...that's just what I get from it..

[Destroit]

This, means she is probably boozing, drugging, & fucking a whole bunch...that's just what I get from it..

Yeap, sounds to me like someone who's having issues balancing her pot and her work/school-life. If you can't do it, DON'T smoke it!

If we're talking serious drugs, you might be able to tell just by being around her or talking to her. Not always the case though, like our ex-roommate that robbed our house and turned into a prostitute (literally), we couldn't really tell she was doing H at first. We think she was snorting it to begin with instead of the traditional injection method, so there weren't any tracks until later. But it only took us about a month to figure it out. If she seems overall normal and the only odd behavior is that she can't manage her money, then it's probably not hard drugs. If she's acting really shady, doesn't "look right", is far more secretive than she used to be, gets standoffish (out of proportion) when questioned, has constant new "friends" that are alternating, she might have a problem.

But yeah, either she's like I was in my early college days and can't say no to a beer and/or joint, or she's like my late cousin who tried so hard to get everyone to like her she was always blowing money on others to impress them, OR she's like my bff Lisa who has a penchant for expensive things and has to have them "NOW" (she's recovered now and is pretty frugal these days).

Either way, if you don't cater to her, she'll probably get it after a minute out of necessity. If she's a pothead and/or partygoer, she'll either figure out how to balance her buzz with her budget or quit outright. If she's just spoiled and either blowing money on expensive things for either herself or her friends, she just needs to grow the fuck up!

No matter what, plant your foot down and keep it there.

Yeap, sounds to me like someone who's having issues balancing her pot and her work/school-life. If you can't do it, DON'T smoke it!

If we're talking serious drugs, you might be able to tell just by being around her or talking to her. Not always the case though, like our ex-roommate that robbed our house and turned into a prostitute (literally), we couldn't really tell she was doing H at first. We think she was snorting it to begin with instead of the traditional injection method, so there weren't any tracks until later. But it only took us about a month to figure it out. If she seems overall normal and the only odd behavior is that she can't manage her money, then it's probably not hard drugs. If she's acting really shady, doesn't "look right", is far more secretive than she used to be, gets standoffish (out of proportion) when questioned, has constant new "friends" that are alternating, she might have a problem.

But yeah, either she's like I was in my early college days and can't say no to a beer and/or joint, or she's like my late cousin who tried so hard to get everyone to like her she was always blowing money on others to impress them, OR she's like my bff Lisa who has a penchant for expensive things and has to have them "NOW" (she's recovered now and is pretty frugal these days).

Either way, if you don't cater to her, she'll probably get it after a minute out of necessity. If she's a pothead and/or partygoer, she'll either figure out how to balance her buzz with her budget or quit outright. If she's just spoiled and either blowing money on expensive things for either herself or her friends, she just needs to grow the fuck up!

No matter what, plant your foot down and keep it there.

Edited December 22, 2010 by Chernobyl

[LadyKay]

Thank you all for your interesting advice. Some more emails have passed between my husband and his daughter since then and things have claim down a bit.