How to develop a thick skin?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Some of us have a tendency to remember, or take to heart a few negative comments (or people) and weigh that much more heavily than the positive comments. If I hear say 3 nice things and then one negative thing (toward me) I'm going to tend to blow the negative thing up into a much larger thing than it (probably) should be. Especially when I have no way to 'defend' myself against it or even, if there is any legitimacy to it (which usually there isn't but no one is always "in the right') people just not even able to accept an apology or even talk about it. (except to others "behind your back") How do you not let it gnaw at you?

Anyone else do this? Anyone have any success at getting beyond it? "Well fuck em, who cares what they think" just doesnt seem to work to well for me.

[EAF (1)]

I always analyze it. If what they said about me after being analyzed seems to make sense then I decide if it's something that needs to be changed or not. If what they said has no bases then I find it is then a lot easier to ignore. Since I never hear anything about me one way or the other I tend to take both things very seriously. If you say something nice I am ecstatic at least on the inside...and equally most negative things even small feel crushing. I am an emotional person, always have been. I am a social based person, always have been. It's hard to just shake shit off when you feel like you have things invested in what others say about you. But some people really do just talk out their ass.

As far as it happening when your not there. If it is someone who you know you will talk to later...then ask them to their face if they said it and why. Then apply the same thing. Think through it, analyze it and see if it has any ground...if not then it will feel less devastating.

If it is based on something that you are trying to stand up for...it can be trickier since each thing feels like a new attack. But with that sort of thing you have to stand up for what you believe in even if it means your the last one standing in the line of fire.

I feel like I have been broken down by so many people so many times and each time it is in a different way...half repaired...and half irreparable. All of them have left scars and broken memories. I live with them and use them to remind myself why I am who I am and what I stand for.

Plus...if you need to...talking to someone always seems to help a lot. A level head to talk through things from a different view can be clearing even if you don't agree with what they say.

[candyman]

It all depends on too many things. I really don't think that developing a think skin is actually a positive because you are trying to get over part of your humanity...an ugly part but it is still a part of it.

If the person is just trying to egg you on then sure by all means ignore it. But there are too many variables that factor into our reactions to tell someone that they need thicker skin.

My last point will also be that in the war of words and thick skin the skin will always lose. It is just like in the war between bullets and armor...the armor is always a step behind and will never be stronger and will always fail eventually. If you bet all of your money on the armor and don't put stock on how to get along without it then you are fucked...

[Simon Bar Sinister]

my siblings helped me in this regard with daily barrages of insults when we were kids. :D

Edited May 21, 2011 by Simon Bar Sinister

[TygerLili]

Well, we all have to, realistically, take stock of our flaws and shortcomings, because we all have them. Then we have to realize that even our closest friends and family members are going to have things about us that they don't like, and days when they need to vent about something that involves us.

Criticism usually only bothers me when 1) it's something that I, at least in some way, can see is kind of true, and/or 2) it comes from someone that I am close to, or someone whose opinion means a lot to me, like a teacher. As annoying as is may be if someone you don't get along with says something negative about you, if you don't like them, you can't, honestly, except them to like you.

I tend to be a confrontational person, so if the person who upset me is a friend, relative, significant other, mentor, or someone else who I feel is worth my time, I'll ask them if we can talk about it, and find out why (we all need some amount of constructive criticism to grow) they said what they did. If it's coming from someone I don't like, or don't really know then, well, then they are criticizing me with out having the full story. Either they are saying something that has some truth to it, and I ponder whether it's something that I want to change about myself, or whether I am fine with the way it is, and with the fact that some people may not like me because of it, or they are saying something that simply isn't true, and isn't worth getting all worked up about, coming from someone who doesn't mean anything to me anyway.

[creatureofthenyte]

Being comfortable in your own skin certainly helps.

Actually I think that's the main thing.

If you can achieve that, then its just sticks and stones man.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

I always analyze it. If what they said about me after being analyzed seems to make sense then I decide if it's something that needs to be changed or not. If what they said has no bases then I find it is then a lot easier to ignore. Since I never hear anything about me one way or the other I tend to take both things very seriously. If you say something nice I am ecstatic at least on the inside...and equally most negative things even small feel crushing. I am an emotional person, always have been. I am a social based person, always have been. It's hard to just shake shit off when you feel like you have things invested in what others say about you. But some people really do just talk out their ass.

As far as it happening when your not there. If it is someone who you know you will talk to later...then ask them to their face if they said it and why. Then apply the same thing. Think through it, analyze it and see if it has any ground...if not then it will feel less devastating.

If it is based on something that you are trying to stand up for...it can be trickier since each thing feels like a new attack. But with that sort of thing you have to stand up for what you believe in even if it means your the last one standing in the line of fire.

I feel like I have been broken down by so many people so many times and each time it is in a different way...half repaired...and half irreparable. All of them have left scars and broken memories. I live with them and use them to remind myself why I am who I am and what I stand for.

Plus...if you need to...talking to someone always seems to help a lot. A level head to talk through things from a different view can be clearing even if you don't agree with what they say.

The problem there is and I'm with you on most all your reasoning pretty much honestly, is that its not particularly "rational" or "open to rational debate". I just blow things out of purportion despite my trying to "put it in perspective". Needs some way to sort of skip through the barrier between my reason and my emotions. If i could just act, the way my intelligence tells me I should, I'd be fine.

But, at least for me, it doesn't work that way. I may "know" something is better or worse, but my irrational side still reacts however it reacts regardless of my rational mind. /ponder.

It all depends on too many things. I really don't think that developing a think skin is actually a positive because you are trying to get over part of your humanity...an ugly part but it is still a part of it.

If the person is just trying to egg you on then sure by all means ignore it. But there are too many variables that factor into our reactions to tell someone that they need thicker skin.

My last point will also be that in the war of words and thick skin the skin will always lose. It is just like in the war between bullets and armor...the armor is always a step behind and will never be stronger and will always fail eventually. If you bet all of your money on the armor and don't put stock on how to get along without it then you are fucked...

I wouldn't equate an adaptive trait (reactionary tendencies) that is an evolved / built in trait with "good" and something to be kept. Sure we don't want to be robotic automatons, but there are all sorts of basic "human nature" things that are bad (built in desire to fix problems with violence for instance, some people are born with poor eye-site etc.) generally we'd look at such things as i need of correction. Right?

In this case i guess "a thicker skin" is the way to say it, for those of us that "takes thing to heart" TOO much. I think many people are good at letting in the relevant criticisms and blowing off the irrelevant ones. But me anyhow, I tend to have a hard time filtering the nonsense/harmful stuff.

I'm fine with constructive criticism, I actually like it and encourage it.

Its the just plain mean and/or wrong stuff that gnaws at me, especially when I know its out there, and I can't seem to do anything about it. My system in the past would just be "suck it up". But, that doesn't always seem to work.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Well, we all have to, realistically, take stock of our flaws and shortcomings, because we all have them. Then we have to realize that even our closest friends and family members are going to have things about us that they don't like, and days when they need to vent about something that involves us.

Criticism usually only bothers me when 1) it's something that I, at least in some way, can see is kind of true, and/or 2) it comes from someone that I am close to, or someone whose opinion means a lot to me, like a teacher. As annoying as is may be if someone you don't get along with says something negative about you, if you don't like them, you can't, honestly, except them to like you.

I tend to be a confrontational person, so if the person who upset me is a friend, relative, significant other, mentor, or someone else who I feel is worth my time, I'll ask them if we can talk about it, and find out why (we all need some amount of constructive criticism to grow) they said what they did. If it's coming from someone I don't like, or don't really know then, well, then they are criticizing me with out having the full story. Either they are saying something that has some truth to it, and I ponder whether it's something that I want to change about myself, or whether I am fine with the way it is, and with the fact that some people may not like me because of it, or they are saying something that simply isn't true, and isn't worth getting all worked up about, coming from someone who doesn't mean anything to me anyway.

Being comfortable in your own skin certainly helps.

Actually I think that's the main thing.

If you can achieve that, then its just sticks and stones man.

Having thought about it more I think somehwere along the line I got it in the back of my head that EVERYONES opinion matters, at least a little bit. Even if its just the fact that they might spread that opnion to others that I am concerned about. I'm big on trying to be a good person, but there are people out there that either 1. Say negative stuff with no real basis and are just asshats 2. People that are actually good people, but through a series of misadventures came to a negative conclusion about me and SO CLOSED MINDED about it that they won't even speak. Case 2 is the worst , but both gnaw at me.

Then theres case 3. were maybe i really DID do something wrong, and I'm open to admitting to it (although I'm having a real hard time thinking of anything at the moment, other than some comments I made a few years back while drunk off my ass. Welcome to the club I'm sure).

But in any case, its not a question of rationally sitting down and going "ok i just need to let it go" becasue, I've done that. Thats not working, some damn reason I just keep letting things knaw at me. Even , for instance, people that are TOTAL douchebags, that (as an example) did really mean things to people I care about, and say, are banned from DGN for being douchebags on-board, I still feel bad that they are out there talking shit. Why? Makes no rational sense.

Plus I have this crazy idea that people are capable of change, and that whatever it is thats wrong, it should be fixable and not be "ok something was wrong, and has to stay wrong, forever and is beyond redemption."

[EAF (1)]

I am a social person by nature so it bothers me when I think others are talking about me...let alone that someone may not like me. But for every one bad person there are far more good. I let my emotions get the better of me too. It's a constant roller coaster of bullshit. Yeah it is hard to just think of things logically even though we know we should. All you can do is either confront them to make yourself feel better or write them off as someone who really doesn't matter to you. But is it still going to be a bother to deal with and to have knaw at you? Yeah...I have shit from years ago that still bother me. To be honest it just keeps getting replaced by more stuff in an endless cycle. But I agree, that doesn't mean people can't change or that things will always be the same.

It sounds like you were trying to give people merit for something that wasn't there. We would all like to think that everyone takes time to think about the things they say and say them for a reason. But realistically...they don't. Sometimes someone who acts like an asshole...just is one. You seem like you take everything and everyone to heart and when your open to people like that you do tend to get hurt a whole lot. I ended up getting better at rebuilding myself each time. It is hard to not give a shit, but it is even harder to give a shit. It can be stressful and you sound like you have had enough stress for a while because of this. I don't know if any of this is even helpful but I hope at least a little of it is.

[candyman]

I wouldn't equate an adaptive trait (reactionary tendencies) that is an evolved / built in trait with "good" and something to be kept. Sure we don't want to be robotic automatons, but there are all sorts of basic "human nature" things that are bad (built in desire to fix problems with violence for instance, some people are born with poor eye-site etc.) generally we'd look at such things as i need of correction. Right?

In this case i guess "a thicker skin" is the way to say it, for those of us that "takes thing to heart" TOO much. I think many people are good at letting in the relevant criticisms and blowing off the irrelevant ones. But me anyhow, I tend to have a hard time filtering the nonsense/harmful stuff.

I'm fine with constructive criticism, I actually like it and encourage it.

Its the just plain mean and/or wrong stuff that gnaws at me, especially when I know its out there, and I can't seem to do anything about it. My system in the past would just be "suck it up". But, that doesn't always seem to work.

We I am just going by how I see my friends react to things. I kinda look at a "thicker skin" in the same way that I look at people when they "blow off their anger" so they don't lash out later. I see it as almost a bad habit. You still get angry later on...and now you are conditioned to lash out in order to "rid" yourself of the future anger which will still be there.

How you react to things, big or small, is how you react to them. I didn't really mean to say that all of it was "good" but I can't see going through life without fucking up a few times and then saying that I am sorry for it later.

I am just seeing too much conditioning for people now...it is really weird. Crap for kids like if you believe in yourself you can do anything. This toleration crap where if you don't like someone you must be racist, sexist, homophobic, etc...because there is NO way that you can just not like someone it has to be much more sinister than that.

I say blow up, cry, do whatever you do when shit comes your way. THAT could even be your "thick skin" because you can learn from it. Thinking about it might suck but you could see another way of dealing with it. Going through Basic and now being in the active Army has taught me that thick skin makes for a poor individual in an alarming number of cases. They over analyze everything and can start something out of nothing in their head when all I was trying to do was talk to them. You develop preconceived ideas of people..."templates" if you will and start slapping them on people or situations without knowing it...which I see as causing problems.

People with this think skin have me pegged as a homophone and a racist and continually remind me of my "evil ways" because their thick skin turned my anger towards them as INDIVIDUALS because they were acting like asshole to alot of people into hater towards all of "their kind".

I would suggest developing something more along the lines of a "mental filter" than "thicker skin"...because if you keep deflecting shit with the thickness all that energy directed at you still has to go somewhere...

Either some of that makes sense or this 24 hour shift with WAY too much Mountian Dew is getting to my brain and you can delete my post...

[TygerLili]

Having thought about it more I think somehwere along the line I got it in the back of my head that EVERYONES opinion matters, at least a little bit. Even if its just the fact that they might spread that opnion to others that I am concerned about. I'm big on trying to be a good person, but there are people out there that either 1. Say negative stuff with no real basis and are just asshats 2. People that are actually good people, but through a series of misadventures came to a negative conclusion about me and SO CLOSED MINDED about it that they won't even speak. Case 2 is the worst , but both gnaw at me.

Then theres case 3. were maybe i really DID do something wrong, and I'm open to admitting to it (although I'm having a real hard time thinking of anything at the moment, other than some comments I made a few years back while drunk off my ass. Welcome to the club I'm sure).

But in any case, its not a question of rationally sitting down and going "ok i just need to let it go" becasue, I've done that. Thats not working, some damn reason I just keep letting things knaw at me. Even , for instance, people that are TOTAL douchebags, that (as an example) did really mean things to people I care about, and say, are banned from DGN for being douchebags on-board, I still feel bad that they are out there talking shit. Why? Makes no rational sense.

Plus I have this crazy idea that people are capable of change, and that whatever it is thats wrong, it should be fixable and not be "ok something was wrong, and has to stay wrong, forever and is beyond redemption."

There are two sides to every story. If you can't just agree to disagree with someone, then you have to sit down and try to figure out why the other person is behaving the way they are. People rarely ever say negative things about someone just to be an asshole. In my experience people say negative things about someone else for one of three reasons: 1) they believe that person has done them an injustice in some way, 2) they are threatened by that person and want to take negative energy away from themselves and put it on someone else, or 3) they are simply calling it as they see it and pointing out a character flaw they've observed in that person. Once you've figured out which of these is the motivation for what was said, the next step is deciding how to deal with the person.

In case 1, you have go back to the root of when the problem started. You have to figure out why, initially, they felt that you were being unkind or unfair to them. Even if, in your mind, you didn't do anything wrong, you have to figure out why, in that person's mind, they feel you did. It's been my experience that if you make a genuine effort to understand the other person's point of view, and to admit that, while you didn't mean any intentional harm by what you did, looking back, you can see that there was probably a better way that the situation could have been handled, the other person will be receptive to hearing you out, and admitting that they made mistakes as well. If you can't do this, then you have to just agree to disagree.

In case 2, it's really not your problem, it's the other person's problem. Usually people who behave this way have severe insecurities of their own, and lash out at others because misery loves company, and it temporarily takes the heat off of them. They rarely target just one person, and usually have several victims, so it's best not to take negativity from these individuals personally. This is the type I tend to ignore, as their issues are not about me, and I figure anyone worth being friends with is smart enough to realize that the other person is being a bully to try to cover up their own problems, and smart enough not to take the things the bully says at face value, at least not without asking me about it. But if you can't ignore them, you can either ask them to explain why they are being mean to you, in which case they either won't have an answer for you, or will have a bogus answer like "because you're ugly," or you can give them a taste of their own medicine.

In case 3, there's not much that you can do, other than acknowledge your weakness, and if you feel it necessary, try to work on changing your flaw. Some people are more blunt and tactless than they need to be, but that doesn't mean that what they say isn't true. Not everyone on the planet is designed to be good friends with everyone else. We all have character flaws, and we all have observed traits in others that make it almost insufferable for us to be around them. The right thing to do is to still treat those people respectfully, though you know you'll never be close friends with them. But some people never learned common courtesy. Again, these are the people I tend to ignore, because we just don't see eye to eye. If their acceptance is important to you, you can try to change, but your real friends will accept your flaws and like you anyway.

Change is possible, but you can't just expect others to change their ways or opinions if you aren't doing anything to change yours. You have to meet them somewhere in the middle by taking at least some responsibility for the way things are if you want to see a change.