I Need Some Help

[LadyKay]

I am at my wits end with my 5 year old. She is in Kindergarten soon to be in 1st grad. She is into everything! It has gotten to the point where I have to have everything locked up, hidden away or up out of reach. And even then she somehow still finds stuff to get into. I can not keep soap in the bath tub because she will dump all of it out into the tube and down the drain. I can not keep toothpaste out because she will get a hold of it and smear it all over the walls and the sink. If I leave the salt shaker on the table she will pour the salt all over the table. I have had to hide my make up because last night she got into my nail polish and poured it out. . I bought her a bottle of detailing for her hair, and she got a hold of that and dumped it out. No amount of punishment makes any difference. No matter what the punishment is, she goes right back and does this stuff all over again. I have run out of places to hide stuff. I have locked up all the medications so she can not get into them. But this is a stressful way to live. I like for my things to be conveniently placed. Like makeup and tooth past in the bathroom. But I have to keep this stuff out of reach and hidden in a different room in order to keep her from getting into them. My husband works a lot and is away a lot for his job. So most of the time it is just me alone with the kid. I expected this to happen when she was 2 years old. And it did of cores and I thought at 2 and 3 years old it was normal. But now she is 5 and the behavior has not stop. Short of locking everything up and hiding everything I don't want her to have, I do not know what else to do.

[BloodCupcake]

Beat her ass. No seriously though, whoop her. A lot of parents don't believe in it but I got whooped and I learned. It's never ok to beat your child of course, but these weak ass parents who don't learn to whoop their kids end up with the kids running over them and getting a smart ass mouth. I got my ass beat if I got smart or did stuff over and over or did something really bad.

[taysteewonderbunny]

CAVEAT: The following advice is per what I would do if I were in a long-term babysitting situation with a child who exhibited this behavior. I'm not a professional and I'm not a parent.

Do you make her clean it up? If you don't yet, I recommend you start.

I'm assuming that she is doing this to get your attention and she may not care whether the attention she gets from you is good or bad. Leave the toothpaste and the soap in the bathroom since it's the easiest to clean. Then, when she gets into it, instead of yelling at her, try encouraging her: "Ooh! I see a spot you missed on the mirror. Don't forget to smear toothpaste there, too." But when the mess is made, be prepared to show her how to clean up. DON'T DO IT FOR HER, but get her started. Tell her that if she is big enough to make a mess on purpose, she is big enough to clean it up. Don't let any amount of whining and crying deter you. Don't yell or criticize, but be firm and keep her company for the duration. Then, when she is done a good enough job (for a five year old--she should be able to get most of it up), complement her on the work she did. Be consistent in this so that she cleans up all her messes, even the regular ones, like picking up her toys, and helping to clear the dinner table.

Also, if you don't have one on one messy play with her every day, it may be time to make sure she gets some. Making messes are part of being five; it's part of building the creative process and part of lessening anxieties.

If this persists, or your daughter has tantrums that escalate, especially if she becomes violent toward others or herself (and it carries beyond threats to herself where she could do real harm), definitely seek the advice of a professional.

I'm also not against spanking one's own children, but I think it should be reserved for the most severe situations, such as when kids do something impulsive that could result in loss of life or limb, like running out into the street or reaching into the yard of a fenced animal--just because the pain is a strong motivator to NEVER repeat the activity again. In other situations, it may be too easy to let it be about one's own hurt feelings and not the best interest of the child.

And, no, I am not raising a child yet. It will be fun to see if I seem as smart then when I have my own screaming brat to care for! But I have done a good deal of babysitting "problem" children, and teaching kids that they are responsible for the AFTERMATH of their destruction does go a long way in deterring it in the first place, provided that the destruction isn't a symptom of a deeper unmet need.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

First thing that popped into my mind is her age, shes young enough that she cant "not" do what you tell her to do if your firm enough about it, make her clean it up every time, sure sometimes she just wont get it done, but consistantcy seems to be the key and not letting the crying or temper tantrums stop you from enforcing rules consistently.

Once they get older they are a LOT harder to control, be firm and do it while they are younger. Also like bunny says, trying to figure out why she's doing it is helpful, although that shouldn't change the fact that she needs to stop NOW, not 5 years from now.

And yeah if they are especially unruly I'm not against the old-school methods. Better than having to pick them up from the police department 10 years from now every other weekend since if its let go long enough they'll get to the point were you flat out cannot control them.

This is all assuming she doesn't have some severe mental illness, but I wouldnt assume that or even use it as a reason to let things slide until a diagnosis like that was crystal clear.

According to my mother what your describing is how I was when I was little as I remember her telling my GF , two GFs ago IN DETAIL, thanks mom.

[BloodCupcake]

I wouldn't say encourage her at all. That's just wasting product and money and teaching her as long as she cleans it up,she can make messes like that, in turn wasting money. Why encourage her? That's why kids do stuff like that, parents are TOO soft. Don't beat the shit out of her but a butt spanking never killed anybody. One firm warning and if she does it again, it's time for hand meets butt. Don't be a punk out and be soft. She IS only 5 but like I said a butt whooping never hurt anyone. My little nephew who's 2 gets his hands slapped or his butt hit. He's alive and happy today still.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Part of the problem is we have no real way of knowing all the details. Even if you wrote a three page article we can only guess and try to offer suggestions that might be way off base, due to our lack of understanding. I did a ton of babysitting in my late teens , and often I found after a few weeks I got the kids to "act right" but only when I was around, soon as i left them for any length of time they went back to their old ways, due to the parents giving into their nonsense too much.

[LadyKay]

Thank You all for your input. While I know this problem will not be solved just by reading the message board, any advice is worth looking into to.

[Tyger]

I agree with TWB 100%. I get my three year old to clean up ANY mess he makes. Accident or not. He almost always comes finds me now when he makes a mess and says he's sorry and asks for a rag to clean up. He used to make messes (not to that extent) quite a bit. But I would clean it up. And he wouldn't care about it. I find having him clean them up is more of a stricter rule now.

I do not believe Beating her butt for this would do any good. Its too harsh I think of a punishment for this. I know its a mess, but she doesn't get why yet.

[LadyKay]

Yeah I've done the you make the mess you clean it up thing. It had no effect and has not stop her at all from getting into stuff and dumping it down the drain.

[TygerLili]

I agree with everything TWB mentioned. I was also wondering if she gets any kind of allowance or money from you. If she does, maybe when she makes a mess you could deduct it from her allowance, and let her know that if she wastes something, you have to buy more, which means she doesn't get as much money. Or, you could maybe set something up where, if she goes a certain period of time without wasting anything, you'll buy her a some kind of treat, like candy or a toy, with the money you saved. Maybe she'll start to understand that when she wastes something it costs you money, which affects her. I think TWB's idea about taking some time for messy play is also a good one.

[taysteewonderbunny]

I want to clarify something I spoke about. When I talked about encouraging your daughter in the destructive (not the planned) messy play, I meant it as kind of a "reverse psychology" ploy. Just like cats escalate behavior by doing things they KNOW get a reaction from you to try to make you cave in and feed them, let them outside, whatever, HUMANS, even five year old humans, have caught on that they can aggravate parents to a purpose. Not reacting to the mess-making with anger may decrease the reward for her if she learns that no matter what, Mommy will stay calm and in control and will not give in to manipulation. Not saying that you do, just saying.

If making her clean up--and doing this consistently--is not eliminating the problem, this could be a sign that there is a need not being met. Whether that's a need for extra attention and play, or it's reaction to a recent potentially traumatic event and your daughter needs reassurance, or it's a sign of another issue where mood and impulse control are affected, is not for me to say (or know), but you might want professional advice.

[junefun28]

Have you ever tried playing with her? My daughter loves to make potions and play with makeup. For a long time I was in the same boat as you there were messes every were and most of the shampoo ended up down the drain. I tried beating her (not really beating but a hard whack on the butt), time outs and grounding; nothing worked. Making her clean up her own mess really helps but it was not enough. Kids need to start taking responsibility for there actions. Even at a young age I found the best way to curb it was to play with her. If we want to make potions I take some old bottles and fill them up with water and food die (sometimes even cornstarch to thicken them). Now that she is a bit older she want to play with makeup, so I do it with her. I let her pick out and sometimes even put on my makeup as well as her own. Another thing I did is get her own shampoo, toothpaste etc... and if she ruined or used it all up before it should have run out O well. Either she had to go with out or use my stuff. And make sure using your "stuff" is no fun.

What ever way you try to fix the situation figure its going to take months, Kids don't change over night.

[doggymonster]

That's crazy. Sounds like she thinks it is a game to keep getting in your stuff when she knows she's not supposed to (I figure that she knows not to). It might just be a game to her.

A good place to start with her is: if she's consuming sugar (sodas, candy, ice cream, etc. - stop her from having it). The sugar is probably not helping. Also, do not give her sugar substitutes (diet sodas, sugarless gum, Crystal Light, artificial sweeteners); these'll fuck with her head. Some examples of these are: aspartame, Sweet & Low, Equal, Splenda. I think sugar should be greatly limited, but SOME (not a lot) pure maple syrup (not the artificial stuff) can be on pancakes occasionally, but the average person in America has way too much sugar and it's not natural at all.

And after all this, maybe just try to talk with your child, be a friend, try to understand each other. You obviously must like her and she you so that's a good start. Let her tell you things and you tell her stuff too. Try to get each other more real to each other. By doing this stuff you both should understand each other more.

Hope this helps.

[Destroit]

That's crazy. Sounds like she thinks it is a game to keep getting in your stuff when she knows she's not supposed to (I figure that she knows not to). It might just be a game to her.

A good place to start with her is: if she's consuming sugar (sodas, candy, ice cream, etc. - stop her from having it). The sugar is probably not helping. Also, do not give her sugar substitutes (diet sodas, sugarless gum, Crystal Light, artificial sweeteners); these'll fuck with her head. Some examples of these are: aspartame, Sweet & Low, Equal, Splenda. I think sugar should be greatly limited, but SOME (not a lot) pure maple syrup (not the artificial stuff) can be on pancakes occasionally, but the average person in America has way too much sugar and it's not natural at all.

And after all this, maybe just try to talk with your child, be a friend, try to understand each other. You obviously must like her and she you so that's a good start. Let her tell you things and you tell her stuff too. Try to get each other more real to each other. By doing this stuff you both should understand each other more.

Hope this helps.

Syrup, and don't forget the occasional honey. That stuff is like wonder sugar . There are a lot of healthy advantages to it from what I hear. But yeah, all this shit with kids and sugar is GROSS now-a-days. I remember when I used to chug shit like pop all day and I felt AWFUL...and that's as an adult. Imagine what that is doing to a growing little-kid body?

[kat (1)]

Necro:

So, she's 10 now..what ever happened? I wish I could have read this back when it was posted, my daughter was the EXACT way, she one time took her safety school scissors and cut her barbie dolls hair into a basic spikey do, lol.. This is so typical of her as she's 18 now and keeps her hair very short lol. 

I corrected this by doing this elaborate behavior chart and she would get a certain amount of say stickers for good behavior, is like not destroying my make up, or not throwing a tantrum in public and after she racked up a certain amount of stickers or + signs on the chart I kept a bag of rewards like cheap dollar store items but it was stuff she would like so her goal was to get as many positive points at the end of the week and when she did she got to pick from the bag of goodies. She would also lose points for negative behavior, or strikes if she didn't follow the rules and this would make her see that her behavior had consequences and this would make her strive harder to earn those points back. Also, she would get privileges revoked, like her video games or toys would be taken away and than have to be earned back. 

Basically, this works great IME, it taught her that you have to work hard to get rewarded but if you do not follow rules you have consequences for that behavior. She is now an adult and I have been complimented on how perfect of a child I raised. This system works very, very well and also teaches a life lesson in lieu of an ass whipping, which is just not going to help in the overall lesson in life and how life works. I have whipped my kids but I find it wasn't an effective way to work for long term life lessons.

Edited September 30, 2015 by kat