Parental Unit Issues...

[BloodStainedParadise]

My biological father was out of the picture for most of my life. I believe I have only met him maybe three times, all when I was much younger. Recently, I found him on Facebook and we are now trying to start a relationship and get to know one another. The problem is, I believe my mum is upset with me for getting in contact with him, even though she initially told me it was my decision. Now, she won't answer the phone or respond to my texts. I don't want to cut my father out of my life now that we are finally beginning to speak. But I don't want my mum disappointed that I contacted him. What the hell should I do?

[Eevee]

Your mother should grow up. Its your father, and you shouldn't have to exclude him from your life because your mom is a bit upset about it. She should come around with time, she may just be a bit sensitive to it right now.

As for myself, my father guilted me into adding him on FB.

And then started drama on my wall and deleted me. He acts more immature than I do.

[Slogo]

Your life...if this is something you feel you need to do then have at it. There may be some drawbacks though. You just need to ask yourself if the tradeoffs are worth it. And who knows? There may be some resentment at first but there definitely won't be any way you determine how bad or how long they'll last.

[taysteewonderbunny]

If your mom's issue is that she is also on fb and sees your father's posts (and he can see hers), perhaps you can offer to help her set her privacy settings and filters appropriately so that she won't see what makes her uncomfortable. Otherwise, just ride it out. It IS your decision. It sucks that she is being this immature, but you shouldn't have to choose between your parents, no matter how much of an asshole she may think (even for legitimate reasons) he is.

[BloodStainedParadise]

I think she is just worried he will hurt me again or disappoint me as he had in the past. I also think she believes I am trying to "replace" my stepfather. I just wish she could see how important this is to me.

[TygerLili]

Have you asked your mom why it bothers her so much? Maybe she is afraid your dad is going to try to say things to you to turn you against her, or maybe something happened between your parents that she never told you about when you were a child, or as you said, maybe she is just being over-protective. My fiance went through something similar. His mom and step dad had a fit when he first started to be in contact with his biological dad, to the point that he had to hide all contact with his dad from his mom. Sit her down and ask her what about this makes her so uncomfortable. That said, you are an adult, and it's up to you to decide whether you are comfortable and happy with having your dad in your life. Make sure you reassure your mom that nothing is going to change in your relationship with her, though. Sometimes parents need reassurance, too.

[shewolf1321]

while i believe it's your choice to be in contact with your dad i would advise you proceed with caution. i doubt your mom is mad it's probably that she is afraid of your new found relationship with your dad. you should tell her it's not that your mad or love her any less but that you would like to get to know your dad.

[Destroit]

Unless your father did shit like rape your mom at church or beat her in front of the neighborhood (all exaggerations, but getting across that whatever he did would have had to be at the utmost extreme), then your mother is completely over-reacting.

She is actually giving a very classic female response. Women are raised conditioned that they cannot say no or show displeasure with other people's choices/opinions. Since women are not ACTUALLY like this, but trained to be this way from a young age (especially women in our mom's age group), she probably did not feel comfortable telling you that SHE was uncomfortable. Now that it's after the fact, she is playing this childish game that many chicks play with husbands/boyfriends the "You should have known it was going to make me UPSET even though I told you it wouldn't!"

Fuck her. Sounds hella immature (and that's coming from someone who just used "hella" in a sentence). Not properly dissing your mom, as this is all I know about her, but to me it sounds like what she is doing.

Edited July 12, 2011 by Chernobyl

[TygerLili]

I would also like to add, while it's great to try to reconnect with your dad, and find out what he's like, it's very hard to establish or strengthen a parent/child bond when you, the child, are an adult. Regardless of what his parenting skills are like, your dad may have no idea how to be a supportive parent to you and may either keep a good distance from you, or try to overstep his boundaries and tell you how to live your life.

My dad wasn't completely out of the picture when I was growing up, he technically had custody of me every other weekend, but we never developed a close bond as he was busy with his own life and left me with sitters a lot while he went out, or left me in front of the TV while he had his friends over doing stuff. He rarely, if ever, made and effort to come to any of my school or extracurricular stuff, and he was deceptive about his lifestyle to me. As an adult, we talked on the phone maybe once every 3-4 months, and sometimes went years without seeing each other. Not quite 2 years ago my mom died, and I have since then been trying to be in contact with my dad more, but it's very difficult. He either is too busy when I need someone to talk to, or he criticizes my life choices and the way my mom raised me and tries to tell me how to live my life.

My fiance didn't even know his biological dad until he was twenty, and they have, over the last 7 years, experienced a more extreme version of what I described above.

Edited July 12, 2011 by TygerLili