Bad Relationships~Why do we stay?

[~Tszura~]

In reading the "Why do your relationships end?" thread, along with a few others this morning, I see some people have been in, and some continue to be in bad relationships. We've all had our humdingers, and have been through the ringer physically and emotionally, but what keeps us IN these bad relationships?

My first relationship was awful. He was clever, this asshole, and though he abused me sexually and emotionally, and I gave him control, he always told me I was beautiful, and never said one negative word about my looks. I think he knew if he did that, I would have been gone. I've always thought it was strange how I let him have so much control, and let him abuse me in some areas, but if he started crap in others, I would have been out the door. It ended when he spit on me. We had a fight, and at some point he felt the need to hack one on me. I looked at him and started laughing, saying "really?" I felt like a 50ft Queenie in the face of an ant at that moment, and it was done. After all the years of weathering his crap, all he had left was spit? I had an odd sense of "I won," which is twisted. In that moment, I finally saw him for who he was~a little man who had no self esteem who took control of the only thing in his life he could have control over, me.

I stayed in that ridiculous relationship because I felt he understood me, and I thought he would change. Honestly, though, people don't really change. We may be able to change habits, and change the course of our lives, but who we are at the core is who we are. If someone likes to take control of people, or play mind games, they are always going to do that. They may find more acceptable ways of doing it, but that character piece will always be there.

My problem at the time was that I sheltered myself from the world. I have a very loving and strong family would have kicked his ass, but I didn't let them help me, because I didn't want them to know. I had friends, but only a few, and I put that bastard above them. I let him have control, but once I journeyed farther into the world, and found more people like me, I could see that he didn't understand me at all, and that we actually didn't have anything in common. That spit was the last straw, lol.

This is definitely a delicate topic, and I guess if anyone is going to respond about their relationship issues, past or present, I would only post if your significant other is not on DGN.

This is meant to be a thread for support, and discussing other options if you're looking for a way out. We all deserve to be in an enjoyable, and healthy relationship. We don't have to take someone elses crap, endure their mind games, or get used by them.

[Riku Namako]

It's a comfort zone. In all seriousness, I'm sure we've all been in situations where we knew it wasn't going to last, and that this other person just wasn't doing it for us at all, or maybe there was only one thing that we really liked about them, but at the same time, the initial feelings and excitement that was there from the beginning fizzled out. People stay in them because it is what it is, a relationship. That doesn't stop the complaints though.

No one is perfect, and no one can lay the full blame of why things get so terrible in the first place in most situations. Some people just don't need to even be in a relationship with others if they behave in such a way that leads to their partner developing a field of distrust and lack of respect for them. Mind games are the worst, and sadly I've also been victimized at one point in time to such a degree that even my friends were believing every lie that came out of that person's mouth.

The thing is though, you have to realize your own self worth, and when something goes wrong, you have to decide whether or not this is the person you really wanna sacrifice yourself for, cuz in the end, chances are likely that your first instinct that brings you back to your friends who end up hearing you complain about the same old thing each and every time they see you is just going to be that, a thing that's just not changing that you might have to make a decision about. Save yourself.

[Guest Megalicious]

I agree- it's all about comfort. The fear of change and fucking with the staus quo. People are afraid of change, even if they are getting walked all over.

We have all been there.

Why did I stay- I ask that a lot. My first relationship, I stayed because I knew he didn't have any one or anything else. I cared for him, we grew up together, my brother accepted him as family (eventually) and we had been together so long it was hard to think of life without him- and though i loved him i was never in love with him. We were highly dysfunctional to say the least, but you are what you learn. It came down to him getting clean- I believed if he had agreed or at least tried it would have bought us a little time, even if just temporary. It was either leave with what little I had and stay sober, or stay and continue to be miserable, probably end using again, and both of us not really happy- in the end my choice was me. It's a choice I do not regret.

My second relationship- I think for the most part I stayed because I was severly isolated- I mean come on, how many posts did I make or how many times did you see me from the time Kee was born till he was about 2 (when I left)- a hand full of post and never once did I ever go out. He was very controling and in the end very abusive. He made me feel insecure and inferior. In a moment of weakness I took him back yet again after more than a year had passed, thinking things would be different - boy was I wrong. Things were great for a while....but slowly but surely the old habits began to surface- he will never change. I know this now. He is arrogant, apathic and cannot think beyond himself. What finally ended it was when he really physically hurt me- that is a line I could not go beyond. Don't get me wrong, it was dysfunctional from both sides, I did many things that hurt him that I feel extremely bad about, but the truth is I never was in love with him.

We stay because we truly believe that change is harder than dealing with the everyday pain- that some day, somehow they are going to wake up and change and all will be right in the world. And we are so broken, so sadnned when that just never happens, day after day, month after month, year after year......I'm going to quote Harold here "Save Yourself".

Was not willing to go beyond.

[bean]

I stayed because I thought I deserved it, and I thought I wasn't worth anything better. I lived in a home where, on a regular basis, I was told I was worthless, ugly, and stupid. I believed it, and so I thought I deserved the abuse from my partners.

He was charming at first. He had me hooked right away, on him, and his drugs. It started with verbal abuse, but quickly moved to physical and sexual abuse. He had me convinced that if I left him, no one else would want me because I was ugly, stupid, etc. I started dating him when I was 15 and didn't leave him until I was 18. I stayed with him even after he did one of the most horrific things someone can do. But he had the drugs, and I thought I deserved the abuse because I was such a horrible person. No one knew what was going on for those first few years because he wouldn't hit my face, so it was pretty easy to cover up the bruises and burn marks with clothes.The final straw was when he locked me in the trunk of his car for almost 2 days. He and 3 of his friends beat me and shoved me in the trunk. As I was lying there, bleeding and going through withdrawals, something clicked in my head. I didn't leave right away after that because I was still afraid, but I knew I had to do it. And a few weeks later I did leave him.

The people I dated after him were emotionally abusive, and a few of them would hit me from time to time, but it was nothing like before, so i felt like things were okay, until something would click in my head and I would realize that what was going on wasn't right.

5 months after I married my ex-husband, he had a breakdown and tried to kill me. Long story short, he was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia after that incident. I stayed with him 2 and a half years longer than I should have. I stayed because I thought people would think I was a horrible person for leaving him because he was mentally ill. That wasn't why I left him. He wasn't the same person after he had his breakdown, and he often wouldn't take his medication, so he was verbally abusive when he was off his meds. I didn't sleep much those 3 years, and was constantly afraid that he was going to try to hurt me again. My drinking had also gotten out of control, though I didn't realize until a few years later that the relationship led to my alcohol abuse.

I'm in a wonderfully normal and healthy relationship now and while I'm still working on building my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, I know that I deserve to be treated the way I am treated now.

[deadcoldgothgirl]

I didn't press charges on the first guy that raped me because he was an ex and I thought I wasn't that important.

I didn't realize the second guy was abusive. I was 16 and I had never really had a real relationship where we would go on dates and he would come over to see me a lot. When he would hit me, he would always say it was an accident and I believed him. I didn't know any better. When I said no to sex and he did it anyway, I thought that was normal. When he said I was fat and ugly I thought no one else would want me. I always felt the same way about myself and I just felt lucky that this guy would deal with me. I didn't want to leave because I thought no one else would ever love me. Who would want to be with something as disgusting as me? Who could love me? I did everything for him because that's all I felt like I could offer. I didn't want to be alone. Even after I had my miscarrage and he left me for another girl. Even after he said he was glad our baby died because it would have been ugly like me... I loved him. I couldn't shower for a long time because I was disgusted with myself. It took me over 2 years to start to get over it.

I love matt. The reason I would add this part is because we are having problems right now. He used to do everything he could for me. Now he always wants me to buy him stuff he wants or needs. He has really bad luck and he keeps having major problems like car issues, his phone was stolen, court payments, etc. He wants me to take care of him before he takes care of me. It never used to be that way. There have been other things that have gotten really bad. He has never hit me or talked bad about me, but he did have a cocaine relapse when he found out his dad is practically dying and stole my identity. He says he wants to change for the better. I want to believe him. I said I would give him that chance. I just pray he doesn't waste it.

[Slogo]

I'm in a wonderfully normal and healthy relationship now and while I'm still working on building my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, I know that I deserve to be treated the way I am treated now.

As naked as he usually is, I must agree

[~Tszura~]

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing. I wish that back then I'd have had the friends I do now for support.

It's interesting to see that some of us, while going through horrible stuff, had that one moment where we were like, "that's it, **F** this donkey-shit, I'm done."

Whether it takes a couple of months, or a couple of years I applaud anyone leaving a bad relationship. I agree with what was said before. There is definitely a comfort zone that is reached. I think we also just get wiped out, and have no physical/mental energy to leave because we spend it all on just trying to keep the relationship afloat, or out of turbulent waters.

My bad relationship spanned from when I was around 17 until I was 25/26. I left a few times, but always had hope he would change, and foolishly went back. I remember my gut telling me "no" on one occasion, but I wasn't a good listener. Because I spent my entire being at the time on that first relationship, by the time it was over, I was ready to be alone, and build myself up again. Even after it was over, I'll admit, there were a few more love letters, but when I started to gain strength, and didn't allow him to have that control over me, I was able to tell him no.

When in bad relationships, "Save Yourself" should be like a mantra.

Edited August 6, 2011 by ~Tszura~

[Simon Bar Sinister]

I've been in love twice, and I stayed when things went to shit because I was still in love...and I was still in love when I finally left each of them.

[Raev]

I wonder. When in a bad relationship, do we always recognize it for being bad right away? I know I haven't in the past. It's more been that I'd look back at some point and realize "wow, the last x months have been a freaking living nightmare haven't they?"

[Destroit]

I stay in bad relationships if I'm getting laid awesomely. Basically if he is attractive enough and is putting out, I'll put up with him for awhile until something less oppressing and shitty comes along.

[phee]

The only truly bad relationship I ever had ended about half a decade ago... (some of the older DGNrs on here may remember how miserable I was lol).

How did it start? I was coming out of a very bad place in my life (had just gone through a divorce), and the woman who I got together with was very smart, pretty, and gave me loads of attention... AND I totally ignored my instincts because right from the get go, my gut told me: "NO PHEE, SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE, GET AWAY." But loneliness overpowered instincts... and there I was.

In the beginning: Things were pretty good, although again I was really good at ignoring warning signs. (The binge drinking that happened here and there with her, the somewhat random behavior)

The bulk of the relationship: I kept on trying to take steps to make things better, I gave her a lot of money (and I do mean a lot) so she could get out of debt, we moved in together, traveled together, I proposed to her... all in an attempt to make things happier... FAIL... She never accepted me for who I was, she never accepted my past, she never accepted my daughter, she went through my phone messages, e-mails, she tried very hard (although not consciously I think) to keep me away from my friends, and the things in life I enjoyed. I barely ever went out... we fought all the time, and it did get to a physical level at times (not what you think though, I would get so depressed and angry... that I would hurt myself for a release). Every person I would talk to there would be some level of paranoia, especially if this person had mammary glands... that was a big no.

Why I stayed: A combination of hopelessness and low self image were a perfect combination to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. I simply thought "this is my bed, I made it, I must sleep in it." The sadness I got from missing my daughter, friends, and life were paralyzing... I felt dead and incapable of improving myself in any way.

How I Got Out: This may explain my massive amount of posting here over the years... but DGN really is what saved me from this self made hell. I met the love of my life here (you may know her as Rayne). And throughout this whole thing, my life line to the outside world was this site,Odims, Cix, Brendastarrr, Marblez, Paperhearts, GameofChance, PixieDeath, Kellygrrrl, were all among those who kept me going either by talking or just simply being there to goof around with to keep me alive. Most of these folks don't come by here anymore (with the exception of my lovely wife) but I owe all of them, and the board gratitude for keeping me alive during that period. The thing that broke me free was in fact my wife, she let me know, very politely and kindly that I was in-fact desired and worthy of love... and that I am not just a shadow of what I used to be... even if her and I had not lasted (which yay we did) I would still owe her getting my perspective straight and the repair of my self-worth. I can honestly say that no matter what dark times I have found myself in since that relationship, my depression has never reached the lows of that relationship, and I have her to thank for a great deal of that, and at the very least getting me started in the right direction again.

--end--

[phee]

I stay in bad relationships if I'm getting laid awesomely. Basically if he is attractive enough and is putting out, I'll put up with him for awhile until something less oppressing and shitty comes along.

Once again... Cher being sexy lady and manly man at the same time.

[Destroit]

Once again... Cher being sexy lady and manly man at the same time.

I'm more like 3/4 manly lady and 3/4 sexy gentleman at the same time, but you were close .

Edited August 7, 2011 by Chernobyl

[Slogo]

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