I Was Just Proposed too

[Queen of Foxes]

Yes it is true. One of my friends in England asked me to marry him, and before I say yes, accept the plane ticket and stay with him for a couple of weeks/months.

Why am I writing this, I don't know what to do. I said yes, because, Its worth a try, and I hate saying no until I know for sure. Also he has a kid... I get very awkward when I'm around kids, and sometimes they put me in bad moods. I do have nieces and a nephew and I'm kind to them, plus the child is not always there, he's usually with his mother.

I met this friend through my best American friend here. So far its going rather well with us. Truthfully, I know I'm going to hear, "I am young, I still have a whole life in front of me, you don't have to say yes" I understand this, but when love happens, it happens. I have no idea if I'm going to even like the site of this guy. We talk on cam, and so far, he does look pretty good looking, even though I'm more for the feminine type guys.

Either or, Is it wrong I'm saying yes to taking the trip for the reasons I listed? I feel like I'm using him for a free trip, which I know I'm not... Should I wait, he asked me to visit, not marry him just yet. And anymore good advice I might be missing out on in life. I'm to afraid to ask anyone in my family, since...its like a giant gossip ring... so I really have no one else to run too.

Thanks~

Edited August 27, 2011 by Nyxiin

[phee]

One of my friends in England Won the Lottery ...

There is a sentence in your statement that makes me take pause. Simply put, the fact that he won the lottery should not have anything to do with whether you are deciding to marry someone or not. Some financial stability is nice yes... But the fact that him winning the lottery is a factor in your decision makes me wonder what your reasons to committing to someone for the rest of your life is.

It has nothing to do with whether you are are young or not... if you were 50 years old or even 70 years old the fact that someone came into money should not effect if you are going to devote your life to his happiness.

[Queen of Foxes]

There is a sentence in your statement that makes me take pause. Simply put, the fact that he won the lottery should not have anything to do with whether you are deciding to marry someone or not. Some financial stability is nice yes... But the fact that him winning the lottery is a factor in your decision makes me wonder what your reasons to committing to someone for the rest of your life is.

It has nothing to do with whether you are are young or not... if you were 50 years old or even 70 years old the fact that someone came into money should not effect if you are going to devote your life to his happiness.

I was meaning that in he won the lottery and wants to put it in good use to bring me back over there... I'm quite the opposite, money isn't anything to me, its the last thing on my mind. I'm quite happy being poor and having real love then being rich, and being alone... I understand your worry completely, and I honor that. But I'm far from like that.

[Guest Megalicious]

Ummm.

Marriage-- NO.

A trip to see if you two have chemistry? -- hell yes.

Just be up front and honest about really wanting to get to know him before hand. Marriage is a lifelong commitment ....at least IMHO. It should be once in a lifetime, to someone you truly love and could see yourself being happy and growing old with.

There are exceptions ...

Wait, he has a kid and you are awkward and moody with kids? ( its okay don't let it make you feel bad kids are just not for some people). Then I would say NO. If he has a child and you are not on the same page it's no good. The fact that he would want to marry you knowing you are not a kid person (if he knows) is a HUGE red flag.

What ever your choice I wish you well. Just be warned that the adventure my turn into a horrid nightmare- be safe.

[bean]

The fact that you mentioned that your friend won the lottery is a concern. If it didn't matter, you wouldn't have mentioned it. We didn't really need a back story as to how you were going to get over there. There was also no mention of how you two get along, only mention of your opinion on his looks and your fear that you may not like the looks of him once you see him in person. Looks do not make a marriage. Being attracted to the person is important, but so is getting along with someone and loving them.

Marriage is serious business. Being a step-parent is serious business. What if you don't like the kid? That's going to make your life even more difficult, and that's not fair to the kid either, because they are much more aware of things than people give them credit for. If you don't particularly care for kids, you shouldn't be with someone who has one.

I think you need to take this more seriously.

[Destroit]

That's kinda, I dunno. Something about it doesn't sit right with my instincts, and when I process some logic into it and mull it around for a second, I'll most likely be able to explain to you why.

[torn asunder]

1st: why did he have to wait until he "won the lottery" in order to set all this in motion? if you two were actually really compatible and mutually interested, "the lottery" wouldn't have been the impetus for his decision.

2nd: "won the lottery"? really? he couldn't come up with anything better than that?

3rd: whether you've been talking to him a while or not, this just smacks of either "scam" or "psycho" - i can't decide which.

whatever you decide, just *be careful*!! be wary of *everything*, and be safe!

[Fierce Critter]

If you plan to go ahead with this, do NOT go if you cannot manage to get yourself back home WITHOUT his help.

[prick]

Say no to marriage for now. If you marry so youn g it will fail. Say yes to a visit but make sure to insist on a friend coming with you for safety reasons. More and more people get killed by the "Nice Guy online".

[Fierce Critter]

I feel like I'm using him for a free trip, which I know I'm not...

Ummm... if you "feel" like you're using him for a free trip, I don't think you can "know" you're not.

You need to decide if you CARE if you're using him for a free trip. If you are, that would suck. If you can live with that, that's one thing. But if you genuinely FEEL like you would be and that does NOT sit well with you, then don't do it.

It just sounds like you have way too many doubts. You need to make a list of pros and cons and see which outweighs the other.

[Destroit]

1st: why did he have to wait until he "won the lottery" in order to set all this in motion? if you two were actually really compatible and mutually interested, "the lottery" wouldn't have been the impetus for his decision.

2nd: "won the lottery"? really? he couldn't come up with anything better than that?

3rd: whether you've been talking to him a while or not, this just smacks of either "scam" or "psycho" - i can't decide which.

whatever you decide, just *be careful*!! be wary of *everything*, and be safe!

If you plan to go ahead with this, do NOT go if you cannot manage to get yourself back home WITHOUT his help.

Ummm... if you "feel" like you're using him for a free trip, I don't think you can "know" you're not.

You need to decide if you CARE if you're using him for a free trip. If you are, that would suck. If you can live with that, that's one thing. But if you genuinely FEEL like you would be and that does NOT sit well with you, then don't do it.

It just sounds like you have way too many doubts. You need to make a list of pros and cons and see which outweighs the other.

Allll these things started crossing my mind when I thought of it, so you guys hit the nail on the head.

[Destroit]

If you do go over there, demand that you have your ticket there AND a return ticket voucher IN your hot little hands before you embark. If he asks why, simply explain the situation with him. If he were your bff from way back, I could consider this being less odd and shadyish. How long have you known this guy? When you stated that he was a friend, but then later say, "So far its going rather well with us," that tells me that you don't know him that well. If that is the case, this just seems off, especially because if he thought he needed to win the lottery to get with you, he's either a creep/weirdo, wants you as a pet, or incredibly insecure about himself. There may be other variables in his personality, but those three "types" came to mind first.

[Queen of Foxes]

The fact that you mentioned that your friend won the lottery is a concern. If it didn't matter, you wouldn't have mentioned it. We didn't really need a back story as to how you were going to get over there. There was also no mention of how you two get along, only mention of your opinion on his looks and your fear that you may not like the looks of him once you see him in person. Looks do not make a marriage. Being attracted to the person is important, but so is getting along with someone and loving them.

Marriage is serious business. Being a step-parent is serious business. What if you don't like the kid? That's going to make your life even more difficult, and that's not fair to the kid either, because they are much more aware of things than people give them credit for. If you don't particularly care for kids, you shouldn't be with someone who has one.

I think you need to take this more seriously.

1st: why did he have to wait until he "won the lottery" in order to set all this in motion? if you two were actually really compatible and mutually interested, "the lottery" wouldn't have been the impetus for his decision.

2nd: "won the lottery"? really? he couldn't come up with anything better than that?

3rd: whether you've been talking to him a while or not, this just smacks of either "scam" or "psycho" - i can't decide which.

whatever you decide, just *be careful*!! be wary of *everything*, and be safe!

Say no to marriage for now. If you marry so youn g it will fail. Say yes to a visit but make sure to insist on a friend coming with you for safety reasons. More and more people get killed by the "Nice Guy online".

Ummm... if you "feel" like you're using him for a free trip, I don't think you can "know" you're not.

You need to decide if you CARE if you're using him for a free trip. If you are, that would suck. If you can live with that, that's one thing. But if you genuinely FEEL like you would be and that does NOT sit well with you, then don't do it.

It just sounds like you have way too many doubts. You need to make a list of pros and cons and see which outweighs the other.

If you do go over there, demand that you have your ticket there AND a return ticket voucher IN your hot little hands before you embark. If he asks why, simply explain the situation with him. If he were your bff from way back, I could consider this being less odd and shadyish. How long have you known this guy? When you stated that he was a friend, but then later say, "So far its going rather well with us," that tells me that you don't know him that well. If that is the case, this just seems off, especially because if he thought he needed to win the lottery to get with you, he's either a creep/weirdo, wants you as a pet, or incredibly insecure about himself. There may be other variables in his personality, but those three "types" came to mind first.

I really didn't mean to make it sound like I'm out for his money.. I'm not at all, I've known him for a bit... I'm sorry you all feel somewhat this way, if not do. I'm not meaning to come across like this and I removed it from the top. I just added that because I just wanted to give the impression he's very sweet and kind.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Nyxiin

[Destroit]

If I may take an assumptive stab at this. You miss the aspect of being over there so badly, that even though you've got neutral feelings for this guy who clearly has more than just neutral feelings for you, he's pretty much offering you a chance to go over there hoping that you're going to get with him. Even though you know it's a possibility there might be chemistry between you, on the inside you know you kinda really just want to go back to a place that feels right, and this opportunity is an easy ticket to do so.

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's usury at all. It would be a bad thing if you had in your mind, "I can't stand this guy, but hell, I really want to go..." and then went. The fact that you might be somewhat interested in him, and would not only love to find out of this is true, but also to have this pleasant added bonus, isn't really so terrible.

As I said, if you go, be safe. Require that he send you a return ticket, explain the reason why. If he's not a creeper and a logical person, he'll fully understand and probably respect you for being smart about that and having such foresight. If he's offering it, you think he might be a suitable possibility for you, and you want to go, then maybe try it out? Obviously I wouldn't just jump right to it next month or anything either, maybe call him, contact him via internet, converse a lot and get to know each other better and you'll probably have a better time and more confidence about going there when the time comes. Since you probably have planning to do, and also most likely need to have your passport renewed (which I've been told takes some time), that gives you a decent amount of time to socialize first.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Chernobyl

[Queen of Foxes]

If I may take an assumptive stab at this. You miss the aspect of being over there so badly, that even though you've got neutral feelings for this guy who clearly has more than just neutral feelings for you, he's pretty much offering you a chance to go over there hoping that you're going to get with him. Even though you know it's a possibility there might be chemistry between you, on the inside you know you kinda really just want to go back to a place that feels right, and this opportunity is an easy ticket to do so.

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's usury at all. It would be a bad thing if you had in your mind, "I can't stand this guy, but hell, I really want to go..." and then went. The fact that you might be somewhat interested in him, and would not only love to find out of this is true, but also to have this pleasant added bonus, isn't really so terrible.

As I said, if you go, be safe. Require that he send you a return ticket, explain the reason why. If he's not a creeper and a logical person, he'll fully understand and probably respect you for being smart about that and having such foresight. If he's offering it, you think he might be a suitable possibility for you, and you want to go, then maybe try it out? Obviously I wouldn't just jump right to it next month or anything either, maybe call him, contact him via internet, converse a lot and get to know each other better and you'll probably have a better time and more confidence about going there when the time comes. Since you probably have planning to do, and also most likely need to have your passport renewed (which I've been told takes some time), that gives you a decent amount of time to socialize first.

I am. When he receives the money in October, I asked him to add it to my funds on paypal. He mentioned the return ticket would be a good idea so I could stay the full amount of time knowing I will always have a way back home. I'm not ready for a marriage, but I feel as if I went over there, and really did gain, TRUE feelings, and not that over used word love has became, it could become a larger thought in my mind. Either or, I will be moving to England after this trip. I'd like to get my own house and be able to work in a little restaurant over there. But that's just my dream, I may need something a little more profitable for the bills sadly. Right now, life is throwing to many things at me and my plate is about ready to fall off the table and break... That's why I'm seeking advice, I really can't think straight..which sucks...

[n0Mad]

Let me guess, he's tall and has long dark hair?

[havoc]

If you do go over there, demand that you have your ticket there AND a return ticket voucher IN your hot little hands before you embark. If he asks why, simply explain the situation with him. If he were your bff from way back, I could consider this being less odd and shadyish. How long have you known this guy? When you stated that he was a friend, but then later say, "So far its going rather well with us," that tells me that you don't know him that well. If that is the case, this just seems off, especially because if he thought he needed to win the lottery to get with you, he's either a creep/weirdo, wants you as a pet, or incredibly insecure about himself. There may be other variables in his personality, but those three "types" came to mind first.

Very wise advice Cherny, If he truely does care about you then he will want you to feel safe and have no problem with a round trip ticket.Would i go alone? nope.Could his motive be that he wants "us citizenship" and might be using you to get it?

[~Tszura~]

I'm on board with everyone here.

I know it may not be the advice you wanted, but we've all been slapped with some crazy shit, and we care, so we want you to be safe. We don't need you to end up as any portion of The Human Centipede O.o

I have a couple of more thoughts. You have not actually met him in person yet, right? Big Red Flag if someone is talking about marriage when they haven't even actually met you yet. I understand being smitten with someone online, and skyping, and all that, but to bring up the M word before meeting you is crazy.

If he won the lottery, and will get his money soon, why doesn't he come over here to visit you? If he has money, you guys could rent a place for a bit, and he could be on your turf. If it doesn't work out, then he leaves. You're in a more vulnerable situation when its the other way around.

I'm not judging, but it sounds like you're more interested in the idea of living there, than actually being in a relationship with this particular person long-term. Maybe the secondary gain of getting to live in a place you want to be is really the primary reason for going? Would you be considering this offer if he lived in Utah, the Sahara, Turkey, or Peru?

Just be completely honest with yourself, and be honest with him about where you are at mentally, and emotionally with all of this. If you do go over there, ask him to get you a place of your own so you can have some space, at least for a little bit. I don't know how long you planned on going, but it sounded like more than just a week.

These are all just thoughts, and not meant to be offensive. We appreciate you asking us for advice, and we wouldn't give it if we didn't give a crap.

If you go, and get into a Centipede situation, just make sure you're the front ;P

Edited August 27, 2011 by ~Tszura~

[Enishi]

Him asking you to marry him outright sounds odd. I mean, just how much interaction have you had with him?