5 Coping Strategies for loving someone experiencing depression

[Nymada del Sol]

Suffering with depression is incredibly difficult and painful. However, the second most painful and difficult position is experienced by the person trying to love their partner, child, parent or best friend experiencing depression.

The rejection is heart-breaking. Feeling like your presence (doing anything in your ability to help) makes your partner worse or doesn’t matter at all really hurts.

In this blog we will explore strategies that will support you during the difficult times caused by depression.

Strategy #1: Do not take it personally

Nothing that is expressed or takes place during your loved one’s depression is personal.

When they reject you, and they will, IT IS NOT PERSONAL.

Rejection has nothing to do with you. Isolation is an instinctive response to suffering and depression.

Rejection can also be seen as an act of protection. Your loved one does not want to hurt you. The only thing depression can do is hurt you. Everything that is said is a reflection of the depression – the fear, the anxiety, the panic and the pain. It’s a very heavy load, if you take it personally, the load will become yours.

When someone is experiencing depression they experience the inability to be themselves and it feels permanent. When they can’t be themselves with you (ie. be loving with you) it hurts them more and makes the depression feel worse.

People often share with me that their loved one experiencing depression is able to talk with casual friends and acquaintances and that those people are helpful and it hurts.

My response to that is that partners, parents, children and best friends are different from casual friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Partners etc get to actually see the depression.

Casual friends, colleagues and acquaintances get to see your loved one’s “representative”. They get to see your loved one pretend to not be depressed. They get to distract your loved one. If your loved one does talk with them about their feelings, they’re not dragging them through the mud the way they do with you. Instead, they give their friends the “I’m struggling, but look how well I’m handling it” story.

Casual friends don’t know that when you’re loved one gets home that they can’t get off the couch and wish they were dead. Of course your loved one feels better when they get to pretend that they are okay.

Strategy #2: Accept that you cannot make your loved one be “not depressed” or feel good

This is a really hard thing for anyone to accept. Depression hurts not only the one experiencing it, but it also hurts the people who love them the most. Here is a metaphor that I share that has helped people develop acceptance of this statement:

When we come into life we are all given two things: a shovel and a bucket of shit.

It doesn’t matter in life that we have a bucket of shit. We all have it. We always will. It never goes away and no matter what you do the shit will always be there.

What matters is what we do with our shovel.

Some will use their shovel to take their own shit and put it in other people’s buckets. They never actually can get rid of their shit, they simply make other people feel like crap.

Some will use their shovel to stick in other people’s shit and then put other people’s shit in their own bucket.

Others will first use their shovel to cover their bucket from giving others shit and receiving other people’s shit and then figure out what they can grow with the shit that they have.

If you stick your shovel in your loved one’s shit who is experiencing depression, it doesn’t make the depression go away. It just puts the depression in your own bucket and adds to your shit.

You cannot make flowers grow in a bucket of shit that is not your own.

Instead of “making it better” take the pressure off yourself to fix it by:

Simply being with the person you love.

Sitting beside them.

Holding their hand.

Rubbing their head and their feet.

Validating their feelings. What they are experiencing is horrible.

Reminding them that what they are experiencing is temporary.

This won’t make the depression go away, but it will help them get through the suffering.

Strategy #3: Perspective: Depression is in a relationship with the person you love, not the person you love

Your loved one is not depressed. Depression is NOT who they are. Your loved one is experiencing depression.

They are in a relationship with depression that has them captured or held hostage. Its a bad relationship. A relationship that isn’t easy to get out of. However, depression affects them and when they have the strength they can affect depression.

It can help your loved one to hear that you know that this is not who they are and that you love them. It is also important for your loved one to know that you love them even though they are not themselves.

Of course they won’t respond the way you want them to…with love, affection and appreciation. However, deep down beneath all of the numbness, pain, anxiety, fear etc…your loved one is still there and need to be loved.

Strategy #4: Interpreting Rejection

When your loved one is in a depression rejecting you and pushing you away as best they can. They’re not saying, “I need you and want more of you.” It would be easy to allow their rejection to cause you to dive into a depression yourself and feel heart-broken.

Here’s an alternative interpretation to their rejection:

“I need to be alone.”

Interpretation: “I need to escape this by sleeping as much as possible. I can’t escape it as easily if you’re here talking with me about it. Why don’t you go do something you need to do for yourself.”

“I’d rather be with my friends [than you].”

Interpretation: “When I’m with my friends, it distracts me from how horrible I feel. My friends don’t ask me how I’m feeling. They don’t ask me if anything is wrong. If they see something is wrong, they wait until I share. If I don’t share, they don’t ask…they just keep talking about themselves.”

“I don’t know if I want our relationship.”

Interpretation: If your relationship was in good standing when your loved when went into the depression…”I’m not myself. I don’t like who I am being. This is not who I want to be. I don’t want to treat you this way. This feels permanent. If this is how I will always treat you. I don’t want to be with you.”

“You don’t make me feel better.”

Interpretation: “You can’t make me feel better even though you really try to. When I am with you, I still feel so depressed because I don’t get to pretend to be okay when I’m with you. When I’m with you I’m stuck feeling whatever I feel and there is nothing you can do to make me feel better.”

Strategy #5: Your Own Self-Care

When your loved one is experiencing depression, it is not your responsibility to make them feel better. You can’t. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

It is incredibly difficult to not be sucked in by the depression of your loved one because of how much you care. It is your responsibility to not be sucked in. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself.

Think about what soothes you, brings you joy, and nurtures you.

Here are some areas of self-care to explore:

Exercise / Movement

Being in nature / Being outside

Attitude of gratitude and appreciation

Forgiveness

Connection with others

Being Creative / Artistic

Self-Exp

ression / Journaling

Therapy

Games / Playing

Cooking / Eating healthy

Conscious breathing

Meditation / Guided meditation / Yoga

Depression is incredibly hard on everyone involved. When you are loving someone with depression it is so important that you make the time to love yourself, to nurture yourself, and receive support in a way that is fulfilling to you.

Edited April 29, 2013 by Nymada del Sol

[Nymada del Sol]

I've had a depressed friend push me away recently, and I became depressed. And then I found myself pushing my girlfriend away in my bout of depression. Depression is a nasty condition that can easily destroy lives with no one noticing it.

If you have depressed friends, be there for them and try to not be too critical. If your friend feels like a fuckup, then they will likely not want to be around someone close to them that they cannot hide their depression from that constantly points out their failings, they are all too aware of it and want to forget it. I wish I learned this a lot earlier.

Edited April 29, 2013 by Nymada del Sol

[kat (1)]

Clinical Depression or any clinical diagnosis requires psychotherapy and proper medication. There are imbalances in the brain either by the serotonin levels being off, neurotransmitters not firing properly, etc... no amount of talking to friends or reading articles online are going to fix severe mental illness. It can be apart of a person's treatment plan but it should never replace a qualified mental health provider. This is why we have so many kids walking into schools shooting people up, because the kid's family doesn't want the stigma of a severe mental illness being on their child or they are too proud to admit that their child is sick, hence, this is true of recent situations like the Sandy Hook case and the Colorado movie theatre. Society is delusional about their abilities, it's the "that can't happen to me or my loved one's way of thinking"....We become adullts that are responsible for our own life and health, nobody else....

Edited April 30, 2013 by kat

[Class-Punk]

I saw a therapist on AskMen talking about how with all his experience, every patient he had, had lead him to believe that depression was based on an internal fantasy that was in conflict with reality.

Its been a long time since I spent every day totally miserable, popping pills that didn't work, and pulling the blades out of disposable razors. I constantly daydreamed about a different life, where I was in a good relationship with a woman that does not exist, happily working some hard job to make money off of, like making and selling custom trenchcoats for a living.. dressing unapologetically Goth all the time, and not having teeth rotting out of my mouth.

Now I accept who I am and my reality. Rather than blindly taking shame from every human being with an opinion, which was once the case for me, I look to see if there is rationality in their accusation. And I struggle not to let any daydream turn into a prolonged emotional reaction.

I don't believe that drugs can cure depression, because as previously stated, I see it as a conflict between reality and internal fantasy. Traumatic past stories are just a distraction from some underlying personal fantasy which was originally created to run away from that trauma. So I think its best for a therapist or a depressed person to find and point out the fantasy and its irrationality.

Edited May 4, 2013 by Class-Punk

[DJ Nihil]

Depression is a funny thing. When combined with anxiety and paranoia, or even a personality disorder the effects are devastating.

I am dealing with major depression, and I don't take any medication. I used to, but the side effects were fucking awful.

I see a therapist and that seems to be helping, or did for a while, but I got my hours cut at work and life has become much harder, and I had to cut back on appointments, and now the benefit of therapy has been reduced and the feelings that had gone away have returned.

I just don't see any value to my life to keep on going, especially when despair and depression set in and it feels like everyday is exactly the same and it never gets any better. Life is a collosal waste of time to me it seems.

At least I am an organ donor, so my organs will be put to good use when I am gone.