Clarification

[TronRP]

I feel I need to clarify some things that it seems I may be misrepresenting with regards to my nephew.

 

Everytime we go to the Red Apple and hang out with everyone, a certain topic resurfaces from time to time: my nephew's behavior.  Some family members and Medical Professionals keep hinting at, or outright telling me, that I may be too hard on him.  But it's hard to sum up the random, erratic behaviors of a manipulative 13 year old boy, who does his BEST to live by his own Child Logic, in 15 minutes or less with the person I'm speaking to already drawing their own conclusion about what MUST be going on regarding his situation because I'm his aunt and (as I'm constantly reminded) not a man.

 

~~~~~

 

When I say I expect better from this poor little 13 year old child that I am obviously smothering with all my feminine hormones, what I am saying is:

 

I expect him to know right from wrong.  But then again, that's only a lesson he's been learning his ENTIRE life. 😕

I expect him to know how to write a DATE on a sheet of paper.  But he's only been learning that for 8 years. 😐

I expect him to know how to BATHE himself and not lie about it because he believes he only stinks under his arms. 😑

I expect him to know how to put on DEODORANT because he knows he smells when he doesn't, but he's only been using it for 3 years. 😒

I expect him to know not to FLUSH stuff down the toilet to hide things because he likes to be sneaky and figures if we can't see it, it didn't really happen. 🤨

I expect him to know how to listen in class and not try to talk over the teacher because he does hates when people do that to him. 🤐

I expect him to know the difference between telling a lie and the truth, but he confessed that he lies to get attention and goes off like a Southern Baptist Minister to try to convince us that what he's saying is the truth, regardless of how ridiculous it sounds because his Child Logic says it sounds good. 😔

I expect him to be courteous to family members and not just because he believes they are going to buy him something. 😞

I expect him to not play the victim because he believes it will make people believe he doesn't know how to do things, so they will do it for him, but you know, he is only a little boy. 😒

I expect him to not pretend to be so innocent and unable to speak in public because he knows none of those people will see him at school yelling down the halls, sitting on the classroom floors, speaking slang and doing bro-handshakes or at home loudly proclaiming his innocence after he takes family members' money, fit spinners, tablets, snacks or even devouring a 6 month supply of food items in 2 weeks. 😡

I expect him to not let his "FRIENDS" manipulate him to the point that they feel justified in coming to the HomeHouse and accusing him of stealing hundreds of dollars of merchandise from said "friend" because the accuser said that my nephew lies all the time so how would we know if he's telling the truth or not. REALLY

I expect him to not try to use a professional psychologist to SHAME his aunts into trusting him by crying like a baby, snot and tears running down his face, because his Child Logic told him that if he looked pitiful the doctor would believe every word he said.  But little did he know he would be seeing said same doctor again and would have to come clean about his previous accusations.  But hey, he was only 12. 🤣

I expect him to not FAKE LEARN schoolwork, but make sure to memorize every new sports term he heard from his "friends" by repeating them to himself so he can sound "knowledgeable" around the other little kids. 😑

I expect him to not act like he couldn't learn because he saw a commercial and felt he needed ABC MOUSE in order to get through school.  But then again, he was only in 5th grade. 🤨

I expect him to try his best and not rest on the "No Child Left Behind Initiative" because he had heard about it and figured the school would have to pass him anyway regardless of his grades.  But then again, he was only in 6th grade and figured the TEACHERS didn't know any better.  But little did he know, that initiative was no longer in effect. 😂

I expect him to not play on the sympathy of others because he hears them constantly say that I'm being so hard on him and he knows they will give him little gifts for putting up with me.  AGAIN...REALLY

I expect him to not go out of his way to be disobedient because he FIGURES whatever I say is wrong.  SERIOUSLY

I expect him to not act creepy towards certain people because he feels it makes him SCARY to them.  He found out the hard way that was a bad idea. 😒

I expect him to follow the House Rules.  But hey, they've only been hanging on the walls and reinforced since he was 4. 🙄

I expect him to know how to do his chores.  But you know, he's only been doing them since he was 7. 🙄

 

~~~~~

 

In our household, we have an open discussion policy so everyone can express themselves and speak without feeling like they are being judged.  It was set this way because we understand that kids are people too, but in need of direction and guidance.  And as they transition into adulthood, they will began to experience situations and emotions that will demand attention and explanation.  But, at present, my nephew chooses to create the situations he finds himself in and, in turn, suffers the consequenses of said actions.  However, regardless of what has transpired, we always discuss how to handle these situtations and why the outcomes were what they were.  Unfortunaltey for me, all the professionals can see is that my nephew doesn't appear to visibly have a MALE rolemodel and is therefore acting out and has no control over his actions because, after all, he is only a deprived 13 year old little boy with an overbearing guardian aunt.

 

[TronRP]

And as if to make my point for me, here is what I mean by "manipulation":

 

A main issue of my nephew is that he has what I call "Lazy Behavior" and he will do everything in his power to not have to take care of something (regardless of the fact that he considers himself to be mature now that he is in the 8th grade).  The boy just intercomed me at 3:15 pm today with such urgency in his voice to let me know that he lost basically the ENTIRE contents of his book bag (but not his Pikachu backpack).  I asked him did he lose it or did someone take his stuff.  So he then says that someone took all his stuff and that he told the substitute teacher who then told him to go look for it (which sounded very suspicious and very unprofessional to me).  My nephew claimed to have looked everywhere and checked certain students (without teacher supervision) to find his stuff.  So I asked him why was he calling me now and he said to see if I could help.  Me, thinking that he may have just left his stuff on the bus or at the departure door when they left to load the bus (although it sounds like he pitched everything to not have to deal with something - what, I don't know), he tells me that all of this happened around 9:15 am this morning.  Which means he spent the next 6 hours just hanging out at school because he "didn't have any stuff" to work with.  Yet he called me sounding like someone had just ripped him off on the way home. 

 

I told him that if he had cared so much, he would have filed a theft complaint with the front office and had someone call me this morning to try to get to the bottom of his missing school "everything" which would have been no different from what he used to do when he wanted to go on a field trip and he would have the teacher contact me for a verbal confirmation...usually by 9:15 am to ensure he wouldn't miss the bus when it left for where ever they were scheduled to go that day.  But no!  He sat down there at that school playing the VICTIM of a theft for 6 HOURS then waited until he got home to ask me for help locating his stuff on a Friday afternoon when no one will be back at the school until 7:30 am Monday morning.  

 

Something is going on, but right now, there is no way to do anything about the school aspect of things but to wait and try to come up with a course of action for Monday morning.  I am determined to get to the bottom of this because he is grounded until further notice or his stuff is found...whichever comes first. He is hiding something.  And I find it interesting that yesterday he was voted "Student of the Month" of October. 🤨

 

[torn asunder]

I'm sorry you feel like you have to justify things, that makes me sad about the people to whom you're having to explain this. It sounds like you're doing a great job with a difficult situation.

[TronRP]

2 hours ago, torn asunder said:

I'm sorry you feel like you have to justify things, that makes me sad about the people to whom you're having to explain this. It sounds like you're doing a great job with a difficult situation.

Thank you for the kind words.  But when I say clarification, it's to make clear when I talk about how our family has a higher standard of expectation when dealing with what I hear is "normal behavior" of kids the same age as my nephew.  Since conversations move so fast during the dining hours, some of the stuff I say at the restaurant comes across like an inside joke and I only get a few minutes to explain it.

 

Sadly, however, the need for justification of things tends to come from the side of trying to explain his behavior to the medical professionals, teachers and those performing a psychological evaluation on him.  There are certain "expectations" that constitutes a "stable living environment" and that's where the "he needs a man in his life" situation comes from.  Only those professionals and instructors who have taken the time to hear and understand how he got this way, don't judge.

[Troy Spiral (13)]

It's probably mainly me.  First off I come from a family that is crazy-insane about NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER telling or even suggesting to someone else how they should raise kids.  So this subject has long been super sensitive for me but after 35 years i see it slightly differently.  But just to re-iterate no one has any business 'telling' someone how to raise their kids (within reason u know like the dicks that really mistreat children that i know you would never ever do.)  I know if someone would have told my mom or dad to encourage me (they never did, like ever) my life would have been better. I know that is not the situation you are referring to nor does it even imply that it is, it's just an example of my situation growing up and why I don't think to make suggestions (that have zero obligation to even be taken seriously) is a problem.  I wish someone would have made a SUGGESTION at least to my parents when I was a kid.  It's not a judgment.  It might be totally wrong.  It's just a suggestion. 

Moe's kids act better now because of Tron. Not because of any suggestions, she just went right into it after she had enough....hey fuckers behave! Then kept after them for a while.  Now they act better and less like monkies.  (to oversimplify). There I wrote that in public.  Someone doesn't like it?  Too bad.  Its how it is. 

 

Historical justification for higher learning standards is interesting and I can understand the frustration.  But development and biology do not care about our expectations based on family history.  That sort of discussion is necessary I think for our own sanity but Its probably counterproductive to throw it at the kid themselves.   I know all that sort of talk did to me as a kid is lower my self-esteem which made it harder to learn and speak up for myself.  I think I always translated it (correctly) as "you aren't good enough what the hell is wrong with you!"  Which, being honest is a fairly accurate judgment I think.  But, does that help improve the situation? 

It can be MADDENING I'm quite sure.  But the best course again trying to be as fair as I can... Is just to take situations as they ARE and try to figure out how to improve them rather than repeating how they should be.  That sort of 'what if' or 'ought to be' talk is fine, just not so much of a help directly to the kids themselves. 

The Coprate Summary: 

Tron, you have helped EVERYONE so much and continue to help everyone so much and you do the best you can and are an admirable person for trying your best.  I also feel like you get taken for granted a bit too much and that really pisses me off.   Me saying the above doesn't diminish any of that.  I love you.  If there were 200 people that I knew and they were all gonna die but I could only save 3 you would be one of the three.  I also know people tend to not take your problems as seriously as they should and just assume you are a workhorse that doesn't need any care.  Bullshit makes me so mad.  GRRR.  You have your own stuff to deal with yet still manage to take care of everyone else!  The world needs more Trons!  😍

[sekhmet2002]

Tron, you do an amazing job of raising CJ and Brian. You are great with the kids and I have seen a little of what goes on with Brian but when he is at the Red Apple he behaves from what I see. I could never presume to know what goes on with him. I have heard you give him guidance in a proper manner. Overall I think you're doing a great job. It sounds horribly frustrating but you do not give up on him, which is difficult when he acts out. I think you're a great person and I agree with Troy, I think sometimes you get taken for granted and that is not what I want for you. I agree with all of the things you are trying to teach him and hope he gets better in time. I know you can do it, it just sounds like it is extraordinarily upsetting at times. 

[TronRP]

Just another side note of clarification. 

To any DGNer who is reading this thread and believe some statements are referring to them as ones who are taking advantage of a certain person, please put that out of your minds now.  When someone openly offers you something or you make specific arrangements about certain things, that is not taking advantage, that is entering into an agreement that all parties are OK with.  I really do not want that to be misunderstood, and at the same time, I feel so grateful that people care that much about me and feel comfortable enough to speak openly with me about any concerns they have.

 

 

I know I've said it before, but I am really not used to having friends outside of the immediate family and I feel truly honored and blessed to know there are so many of you that consider me on that level.  It is rather humbling, but most definitely appreciated.