What Are You Thinking? (cont'd)

[TronRP]

4 minutes ago, kat said:

It's really deep, so much teasing from my own family for being ugly when I was younger and fat I been trying to do better though.  

 I just hate looking at myself especially in pictures and mirrors. I know I'm too old to still be acting like a teenager with self esteem issues but I don't think I truly ever grew past that. I see myself as a complete fail in the love department and I just put two and two together.  I honestly have always felt like pure garbage. No matter how much my mom apologizes for everything she did and said to me the wound was dug when I was just a little girl and I didn't understand why my own mother would say them things. I'd come home from school after getting teased and picked on, jumped by girls after school, made fun of because we was so poor and on welfare and had lived in a hoarder house and child protective services would come to school all the time. Kids knew. I told them my mom was a witch and that's why I couldn't have friends over or anyone in my house.  

I hung around pretty girls but tough sometimes I feel like I was just there to entertain them, the fat funny friend who would do stupid shit for them to like me. I probably wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for them though.  They just was kinda mean sometimes. Noone ever liked me as far as guys they made fun of me too until I made them laugh by doing stupid shit. I think the only reason my daughter's dad ever liked me was because people told him I was a virgin and he let me sing to him too.  He said that was what made him love me. 

I don't know why I just wrote all that. I'm really emotional right now and been crying because deep inside I feel like I have always been and always will be broken forever. I'm trying hard to be positive and I do a really intense therapy right now so I feel like things are just starting to make actual sense to me as to why I am this way. They say it supposed to get worse before it gets better. I'm sorry for the essay. 

~~~~~

Thank you for the essay.  It helps to write like that. 

 

Not sure if you saw what all I used to post on here back when I first joined.  Some stuff was deep.  DGN helped me get to a place I could manage my issues.  Some are still there, but not as bad.  However, I don't feel like the world is watching and looking at me all the time now.

 

I actually have fun with my issues, especially when I warn people about them when I first meet them by saying things like, "Sorry in advance, I'm hyperactive, but I'll try not to damage anyone or anything...too much."

🤣

It's amazing what people will laugh about.

 

My suggestion is to pour out your mind on the site (without erasing anything).  The more you do it the better you will feel because you are pushing those things outside of you and letting the universe have it.  It is healing.

[kat (1)]

13 minutes ago, TronRP said:

~~~~~

Thank you for the essay.  It helps to write like that. 

 

Not sure if you saw what all I used to post on here back when I first joined.  Some stuff was deep.  DGN helped me get to a place I could manage my issues.  Some are still there, but not as bad.  However, I don't feel like the world is watching and looking at me all the time now.

 

I actually have fun with my issues, especially when I warn people about them when I first meet them by saying things like, "Sorry in advance, I'm hyperactive, but I'll try not to damage anyone or anything...too much."

🤣

It's amazing what people will laugh about.

 

My suggestion is to pour out your mind on the site (without erasing anything).  The more you do it the better you will feel because you are pushing those things outside of you and letting the universe have it.  It is healing.

It is. I agree.  I was going through alot during my separation and divorce and I didn't realize how bad I let things get.  I forgot who I was.  It was very helpful the people I met and how supportive they were to me.

I like to joke around about what a hot mess I am, I actually like trying to get people to laugh it makes me feel I have some sort of value in a weird way. 

I've always been an entertainer by nature..not necessarily a good one but I used to go sing and dance when I was like 6, 7, and 8 every summer to the next door apartment building where there would be a group of people always outside sitting on the stoop, probably drinking and smoking their cigarettes and who knows what else..they was mostly in their 50s and 60s and I would do little concerts for them. They would even wait for me to come over or they'd see me outside and say come over and give us a concert, Mandi. It was a nice escape from my horror house and my mom let me stay out past dark because I was with "Marge" who used to smile and say," I knew you before you were born" and than she'd give me money to go get her cigarettes from the gas station when I was little as hell, shouldn't of been crossing the street but they sold cigarettes to toddlers back than..crazy times, lol.  When my mom got the welfare check she'd send me to the bar across the street to pick up bar burgers and fried mushrooms. I was like 8 walking in the bar and they knew my little ass. The people in the bar would just carry on drinking,  I used to be so scared to go in. I think I cried about it. The neighbors next to the bar had a band in the basement and they'd be rocking out loud and I loved it. I would slowly take my time so I could hear them play and try to get as close to the house as possible without being a weirdo lol. I found out a couple years ago Jack White was supposedly one of the guys who used to hang out and play there, it's his old neighborhood too so I assume it's true.  I think my mom told me and she doesn't know who he is really.  

Okay. Now I'm rambling. Lol

 

[TronRP]

29 minutes ago, kat said:

It is. I agree.  I was going through alot during my separation and divorce and I didn't realize how bad I let things get.  I forgot who I was.  It was very helpful the people I met and how supportive they were to me.

I like to joke around about what a hot mess I am, I actually like trying to get people to laugh it makes me feel I have some sort of value in a weird way. 

I've always been an entertainer by nature..not necessarily a good one but I used to go sing and dance when I was like 6, 7, and 8 every summer to the next door apartment building where there would be a group of people always outside sitting on the stoop, probably drinking and smoking their cigarettes and who knows what else..they was mostly in their 50s and 60s and I would do little concerts for them. They would even wait for me to come over or they'd see me outside and say come over and give us a concert, Mandi. It was a nice escape from my horror house and my mom let me stay out past dark because I was with "Marge" who used to smile and say," I knew you before you were born" and than she'd give me money to go get her cigarettes from the gas station when I was little as hell, shouldn't of been crossing the street but they sold cigarettes to toddlers back than..crazy times, lol.  When my mom got the welfare check she'd send me to the bar across the street to pick up bar burgers and fried mushrooms. I was like 8 walking in the bar and they knew my little ass. The people in the bar would just carry on drinking,  I used to be so scared to go in. I think I cried about it. The neighbors next to the bar had a band in the basement and they'd be rocking out loud and I loved it. I would slowly take my time so I could hear them play and try to get as close to the house as possible without being a weirdo lol. I found out a couple years ago Jack White was supposedly one of the guys who used to hang out and play there, it's his old neighborhood too so I assume it's true.  I think my mom told me and she doesn't know who he is really.  

Okay. Now I'm rambling. Lol

 

~~~~~

So nostalgic.

 

That took me back to that age of innocence when you didn't know things were wrong and running up and down the street at night was part of the fun of being a kid when life still held magic and mystery that you couldn't wait to be a part of.

☺️

[TronRP]

@kat

You know you have got to stop deleting/erasing/editing certain posts.

 

I was totally looking for the one with the "fat, Limp di*k, diabetes a** flaccid micro penised sex offender, living with your ex b*tch and new husband can't even bring a b*tch a coffee, country music listening to, drunk, bipolar, man wh*re."

 

I had an SNL moment!

🤣

[kat (1)]

1 hour ago, TronRP said:

@kat

You know you have got to stop deleting/erasing/editing certain posts.

 

I was totally looking for the one with the "fat, Limp di*k, diabetes a** flaccid micro penised sex offender, living with your ex b*tch and new husband can't even bring a b*tch a coffee, country music listening to, drunk, bipolar, man wh*re."

 

I had an SNL moment!

🤣

Lmfao 🤣 I will do better.  Yay! You like my goofiness 🤪 

[TronRP]

1 minute ago, kat said:

Lmfao 🤣 I will do better.  Yay! You like my goofiness 🤪 

~~~~~

You are one of the first people I've ever met who could survive my hyperactive nature without question upon first meeting.  Your "goofiness" is what I call "normal behavior". 

😆

[kat (1)]

3 minutes ago, TronRP said:

~~~~~

You are one of the first people I've ever met who could survive my hyperactive nature without question upon first meeting.  Your "goofiness" is what I call "normal behavior". 

😆

🤗

[kat (1)]

6 minutes ago, TronRP said:

~~~~~

You are one of the first people I've ever met who could survive my hyperactive nature without question upon first meeting.  Your "goofiness" is what I call "normal behavior". 

😆

Your energy is so positive 💯

[TronRP]

3 minutes ago, kat said:

Your energy is so positive 💯

~~~~~

 

I think that's why I have such a hard time in my head whenever someone calls me "Spoiled", "Self-Centered" and "Only child who is used to getting whatever you want"....and they just met me a half hour ago.  Maybe they figure I'm hyperactive because I got away with everything as a child...I really have no idea because I've yet to get a straight answer out of any of them.

 

They are great at judging, just not too clear on the clarification part.

😏

[kat (1)]

4 minutes ago, TronRP said:

~~~~~

 

I think that's why I have such a hard time in my head whenever someone calls me "Spoiled", "Self-Centered" and "Only child who is used to getting whatever you want"....and they just met me a half hour ago.  Maybe they figure I'm hyperactive because I got away with everything as a child...I really have no idea because I've yet to get a straight answer out of any of them.

 

They are great at judging, just not too clear on the clarification part.

😏

Hugs. People suck.

[kat (1)]

I feel like I was being bitchy at work today because when we was closing there was a kid there alone, no adult in sight,  his sisters are apparently still showering and we are closed. I went in the bathroom at 10 after 5 like um, hello anyone here, and the shower still on, woman is like yea I'm like, "ummm,  We're closed and you have a child sitting out here by himself." 

You would think these two would have dashed out but no, me and my two coworkers and this little boy are still waiting,  we need to set the alarm it's now 25 after,  I go back in there and my manager wanted me to tell them ok,  We're setting the alarm now, so if the cops come you deal with them. I was like,  um,  I don't know if we should go that far though? So, being the only female working I went back in there, I'm like hearing water,  they're still in the damn showers! I'm like um, we have to set our alarm,  I said we was closed, the one goes we didn't know,  I'm like,  u knew after I came in here 15 minutes ago and u should have came out then. I was fucking pissed but I said to myself,  damn maybe they don't have hot water at home or maybe they have an abusive family waiting for them so I softened my tone up a bit and said are you ok? Are you safe? Cause,  who knows,  u never know what she could have been pregnant and having a miscarriage or something, idk. I went to sit with the kid because he looked scared and tried to get him to not be afraid because it was so weird and than my manager actually did yell into the restroom that he was setting the alarm and the cops were going to come.  I thought that was...very extreme but they came out 5 minutes later and the little boy was telling he was hungry and I was seriously about to go feed him but something was off, these girls came out, didn't say sorry or anything,  acted like they didn't even care about the little boy. We was talking about his plans for summer and school stuff, he looked sad and scared. I wanted to take him to his parents myself because his sisters clearly suck. He was so polite, he goes, thank you because I was just trying to keep him from getting more afraid. I hate when people are assholes to kids! 

I mean, you don't even have to be good at parenting and shit but at least keep kids safe because I damn sure wasn't no mother of the year and my ex husband will remind me of that forever but doesn't mean I didn't protect my kids and will for as long as I live no matter how old they are. I don't understand why people are so shitty. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by kat

[TronRP]

1 hour ago, kat said:

I feel like I was being bitchy at work today because when we was closing there was a kid there alone, no adult in sight,  his sisters are apparently still showering and we are closed. I went in the bathroom at 10 after 5 like um, hello anyone here, and the shower still on, woman is like yea I'm like, "ummm,  We're closed and you have a child sitting out here by himself." 

You would think these two would have dashed out but no, me and my two coworkers and this little boy are still waiting,  we need to set the alarm it's now 25 after,  I go back in there and my manager wanted me to tell them ok,  We're setting the alarm now, so if the cops come you deal with them. I was like,  um,  I don't know if we should go that far though? So, being the only female working I went back in there, I'm like hearing water,  they're still in the damn showers! I'm like um, we have to set our alarm,  I said we was closed, the one goes we didn't know,  I'm like,  u knew after I came in here 15 minutes ago and u should have came out then. I was fucking pissed but I said to myself,  damn maybe they don't have hot water at home or maybe they have an abusive family waiting for them so I softened my tone up a bit and said are you ok? Are you safe? Cause,  who knows,  u never know what she could have been pregnant and having a miscarriage or something, idk. I went to sit with the kid because he looked scared and tried to get him to not be afraid because it was so weird and than my manager actually did yell into the restroom that he was setting the alarm and the cops were going to come.  I thought that was...very extreme but they came out 5 minutes later and the little boy was telling he was hungry and I was seriously about to go feed him but something was off, these girls came out, didn't say sorry or anything,  acted like they didn't even care about the little boy. We was talking about his plans for summer and school stuff, he looked sad and scared. I wanted to take him to his parents myself because his sisters clearly suck. He was so polite, he goes, thank you because I was just trying to keep him from getting more afraid. I hate when people are assholes to kids! 

I mean, you don't even have to be good at parenting and shit but at least keep kids safe because I damn sure wasn't no mother of the year and my ex husband will remind me of that forever but doesn't mean I didn't protect my kids and will for as long as I live no matter how old they are. I don't understand why people are so shitty. 

~~~~~

I hate to say it, but reading this, I think they were making out in the shower and had the boy tell everyone that they were his sisters so no one would ask questions about them.  They responded to the male voice because apparently to them, it represented authority.  I don't think you did anything wrong.  I commend you for thinking about the boy and the fact that there might be a "situation" none of them could speak about.

 

I, on the other hand, would probably have gotten written up because once I informed them that we were closed, I would have given them 5 minutes before I went in to see what was needed.  I would have handed them a towel, checked to see if they needed shampoo washed out of their hair, whatever, I'm shameless.  But I guarantee they would think twice about staying in the shower after hours again.

[kat (1)]

22 minutes ago, TronRP said:

~~~~~

I hate to say it, but reading this, I think they were making out in the shower and had the boy tell everyone that they were his sisters so no one would ask questions about them.  They responded to the male voice because apparently to them, it represented authority.  I don't think you did anything wrong.  I commend you for thinking about the boy and the fact that there might be a "situation" none of them could speak about.

 

I, on the other hand, would probably have gotten written up because once I informed them that we were closed, I would have given them 5 minutes before I went in to see what was needed.  I would have handed them a towel, checked to see if they needed shampoo washed out of their hair, whatever, I'm shameless.  But I guarantee they would think twice about staying in the shower after hours again.

That crossed my mind, they could have had two showers running as a cover but ya I didn't get far enough lol. Maybe that's why they was acting so strange, like they got caught or something. Lol oh yea my other coworker said he was about to suggest we charge every minute after we close,  I was like hell yea, just like latchkey does!

Omg now I'm thinking this a whole ass bathhouse. I'm going to have to see if there's any glory holes in the men's, hell in either locker room. Omg 🤣

*Not that I know what a real one is..

yet..*

 

Edited May 16, 2022 by kat

[kat (1)]

Lucky bitches. 🤣 

Least someone's getting made out with. 

[kat (1)]

1 hour ago, TronRP said:

~~~~~

I hate to say it, but reading this, I think they were making out in the shower and had the boy tell everyone that they were his sisters so no one would ask questions about them.  They responded to the male voice because apparently to them, it represented authority.  I don't think you did anything wrong.  I commend you for thinking about the boy and the fact that there might be a "situation" none of them could speak about.

 

I, on the other hand, would probably have gotten written up because once I informed them that we were closed, I would have given them 5 minutes before I went in to see what was needed.  I would have handed them a towel, checked to see if they needed shampoo washed out of their hair, whatever, I'm shameless.  But I guarantee they would think twice about staying in the shower after hours again.

Have you ever been to Gigis? 

[kat (1)]

I do believe that I have an inflamed taste bud. They suck.

[TronRP]

1 hour ago, kat said:

Have you ever been to Gigis? 

~~~~~

Yes, I was invited as a guest.  I was a bit disappointed because I wanted the host to rip on me, but they were informed that I would be with someone who was not familiar with that type of thing, but they ended up not showing up.

 

You only have one time that you can be there for your first time...lol.

[NocteSpiritus]

Tired, but wanna stay up. Not that I need to work tomorrow. Changed jobs for one closer to home, and I'm in that limbo area of leaving one job and not quite in the new one.

[WhiteLines]

I think my hand that was shredded in the fenderwell under the weight of our tool trailer just got tore apart again and maybe broken when a ladder and a 200 pound one legged man both collapsed on top of said hand and a metal shelf at which point i chose to hold up the weight of the ladder and fallen man with my smashed hand until he could safely dismount from the ladder. Wont be doing anything right handed for a day or two.

[TronRP]

4 hours ago, WhiteLines said:

I think my hand that was shredded in the fenderwell under the weight of our tool trailer just got tore apart again and maybe broken when a ladder and a 200 pound one legged man both collapsed on top of said hand and a metal shelf at which point i chose to hold up the weight of the ladder and fallen man with my smashed hand until he could safely dismount from the ladder. Wont be doing anything right handed for a day or two.

~~~~~

[TronRP]

I don't now why I keep forgetting that I can't too much to people.  They only hear some of what I say...😅

[TronRP]

On 5/19/2022 at 9:47 PM, TronRP said:

I don't now why I keep forgetting that I can't too much to people.  They only hear some of what I say...😅

~~~~~

lol...I was so upset that I missed the word "talk". 

 

I've been speaking to people face to face just to hear back from them that they heard a totally different conversation and then based their thoughts on what they remembered.  It's been really mindboggling.  This is why I try to have everything I'm discussing in writing.

 

Then I found out that if they believe they already know when I am writing or texting about, they skim my words and still get a different understanding of what I sent.  But at least with written text, all I have to do is say, "Please go back and read...".

😶

[TronRP]

Don't you hate when you're moving too fast, trying to take care of too much stuff and getting nothing done.

Slowing down now...

[Class-Punk]

The YouTube goth community used to be a lot more lively, but it seems like a tyrannical woke Google taking over has made the website more stagnant and socially atomized, so now there is no online alt community with decentralization-- and that works against novelty, people wanting to participate, and innovation, because novelty-destroying moderation is like Sauron's ring where almost everyone has lapses in judgment towards it. 

People are drawn to YouTube and Facebook on mass, unlike goth forums in the present day, but these sites are destroying themselves.  Gothic and alternative culture might thrive most in the long term on Twitter if Musk turns it into a heavy free speech zone.

Edited May 22, 2022 by Class-Punk

[TronRP]

I think I had better get moving.  The build foreman is suppose to be here soon to have us signoff on the FCA work documents that Chrysler agreed to have done on homes inside the "Impact Zone" of the new plant expansion.