How Are You Feeling? (cont'd)

[TronRP]

Feeling disgruntled, but there is nothing we can do about it.  The City came back around this week, after the "Speed Hump" program was completed last year, and plopped a big ol' "Speed Hump" right by our driveway.  And they made sure to send out flyers with reasons and contact information.  To halt the process, only your Block Club Representative can opt-out of the "Speed Hump Program" and only if the residents on the street sign a petition stopping it.

 

Timeline:

 

Monday, July 31, 2023: Curb signs staked in our yards stating "No Parking 6:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Monday thru Saturday Street Under Construction by Police Order (D.P.W. Street Maintenance Division)".  Flyers put in street resident's mailboxes.

 

Tuesday, August 1, 2023: "Speed Hump" fully installed.

 

 

I get the feeling they didn't want to hear anything against their decision to put one where they wanted to and most likely felt there was no block club to contend with.

 

[NocteSpiritus]

2 hours ago, TronRP said:

Feeling disgruntled, but there is nothing we can do about it.  The City came back around this week, after the "Speed Hump" program was completed last year, and plopped a big ol' "Speed Hump" right by our driveway.  And they made sure to send out flyers with reasons and contact information.  To halt the process, only your Block Club Representative can opt-out of the "Speed Hump Program" and only if the residents on the street sign a petition stopping it.

 

Timeline:

 

Monday, July 31, 2023: Curb signs staked in our yards stating "No Parking 6:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Monday thru Saturday Street Under Construction by Police Order (D.P.W. Street Maintenance Division)".  Flyers put in street resident's mailboxes.

 

Tuesday, August 1, 2023: "Speed Hump" fully installed.

 

 

I get the feeling they didn't want to hear anything against their decision to put one where they wanted to and most likely felt there was no block club to contend with.

 

 

Sounds like typical politics. They do what they want despite what the general populace wants.

[TronRP]

I passed out so hard...now like I'm starvin' like Marvin.

Need Food!!!  Feels like it's time for a kitchen run. 

🏃‍♂️💨

[Slogo]

Pretty good. I feel somewhat rested which is odd for a Wednesday

[Scary Guy]

7 hours ago, TronRP said:

Feeling disgruntled, but there is nothing we can do about it.  The City came back around this week, after the "Speed Hump" program was completed last year, and plopped a big ol' "Speed Hump" right by our driveway.  And they made sure to send out flyers with reasons and contact information.  To halt the process, only your Block Club Representative can opt-out of the "Speed Hump Program" and only if the residents on the street sign a petition stopping it.

 

Timeline:

 

Monday, July 31, 2023: Curb signs staked in our yards stating "No Parking 6:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Monday thru Saturday Street Under Construction by Police Order (D.P.W. Street Maintenance Division)".  Flyers put in street resident's mailboxes.

 

Tuesday, August 1, 2023: "Speed Hump" fully installed.

 

 

I get the feeling they didn't want to hear anything against their decision to put one where they wanted to and most likely felt there was no block club to contend with.

 

Bureaucracy is so fun.  Sounds like a good reason for a lawsuit.

This type of exact thing was referenced in the first part of HGtTG:

 

[Rayne]

Home. Time to sleep for a bit and get up and do it again. No one died today though, so that’s a plus, I guess. 

[TronRP]

6 hours ago, Scary Guy said:

Bureaucracy is so fun.  Sounds like a good reason for a lawsuit.

This type of exact thing was referenced in the first part of HGtTG:

 

~~~~~

Yes, definitely a favorite and a storytelling before its time.

Point Made.

Normality Achieved.

[Scary Guy]

2 hours ago, gwen said:

and my precious wonder seed?

WAAAANTS

a ivy legue education

and a trip to disney!

 

 

Well then they can get a college grant/scholarship for it, or do a gofundyourself.  Ma's got medical bills!

[Queen of Foxes]

Just woke up. Finally back in the role of working. Going to go outside, water my plants and hangout with the song birds for a little bit. 

[Queen of Foxes]

Now...sad...hurt...angered... I cannot express a lot, but I am FED UP with all the sexism I have to face in my career.... I work with computers, and I have to deal with constant shit from men. 

At the beginning of my college courses learning Autodesk Maya, a group of men literally ganged up on me and started yelling at me for being slow and having learning disabilities that put me behind everyone else, so why not attack me for them? Yeah, Roger witnessed and wasn't a happy cookie. 

And I have this repeating client, that YES, it is VERY obvious he has an issue with women...and la dee da, I get to have him.....

I haven't gotten anything started...tomorrow is Friday... I have been choking tears down pacing back and forth. And this client tells ME to manage my time better. Our dishwasher broke and we do not have money to fix it, our sink is also full of dishes because guess what, I COOK...and dishes happen. 

AAAAAAND Roger's mom, a 70-year-old bartender for the TINY TOWN of Coral, a fricken escaped fugitive hid there (He use to live there), and started having a conversation with his self, freaked out on Roger's mom, then punched her in the face and fled. They sent dogs after him, but did nothing, and yeah...whole bunch of

SHIIIIIIIT

I have not had a vacation to just go out and lay in the dirt of silent woods as insects crawl all over me, birds sing to me, and creepy, unknown sounds bless the area. 

I have NOT been able to just be ME in such a long time, and I am so fed up with EVERYONE in my life. I asked to be left alone, even set up boundaries, and NO ONE can respect that...and even my family found a way back into my life. And my stepmom and mom are best friends and they both LOVE screaming at me to commit to Christ and how I am being punished for not being Christian..  Roger hates when they do that, he has to talk me out of hiding and get me to use to human touch again.... Then when I said, Hey, I reached my goal with modeling, I made it to vogue and honestly I want to retire into a career that is a bit easier in other areas for me that also pays a MASSIVE amount more so I can take care of ME and not need to depend on others, I am the bad person. I lost, literally a bunch of long time friends over that. Bunch of dumb SHIT. Also, I realized the other ones... so its not as bad as it sounds there... but, I literally just asked to be alone while I get myself fixed up and better so I can be left alone for good. And, idk man. People just fucking NEEEED my attention. if its not Hacked or fake accounts, or fucking neighbors drunk, screaming at me because I told them to go away and leave me alone because they are always drunk and unhinged (The community management took care of that situation, he still is here, but he knows to leave us alone...hopefully), or an old ex rent a cop who had a stroke, and thinks he's a cop when really we is a very abusive man, he even had his son taken away while we've known him. He is constantly harassing me around the older people, but when we are alone, he is TOO friendly, I have on camera me telling him to leave me alone...

OR I GO OUT IN PUBLIC, and some guy has to make a comment about how I need to gain weight.... I bike on average, 14 miles every couple of days. I eat A LOT of proteins, a lot of food in general, my PTSD meds MAKE ME EAT. I am NATURALLY skinny. Just because I don't make your DICK hard doesn't mean my existence is WRONG. 

 

Or I get some random woman starting stuff with me, like I know her and all the sudden her opinion matters to me, and as I try to get away, they chase me down, bringing all they can to involve and make it into a shit show of how I am autistic and can't speak and when I get stressed I cannot make normal human noises. Ironically, put a pad of paper or a keyboard in front of me, I can vent...but at the time, 
in a spot, feeling pressured, especially angry people, my ptsd makes my anxiety go nuts, which makes it hard for me to function like a normal human, so I start having a meltdown, or just in general can't use words and I just start spitting out a bunch of random ones, not sure what means what anymore.....

So once again, I just want to be LEFT ALONE, and respected for what I am HERE TO DO, then GTFO and OUT OF EVERYONE'S LIFE. 

My older brother made it apparent since birth I am not wanted, and same with my mom since she rather see me live with men, then tell me I need God and try to control me...when she is all the way down in North Carolina and I am 31, in MICHIGAN... and if she cannot get a hold of me, she has my step mom do it, who lives here...

I frickin cannot handle anymore. I am not going to hurt myself at all. I want to live, because of Nature. I want to continue to live so I can continue to be in it. That is all I want is to be in nature, and take care of nature...

And roger does so much, he deserves a partner greater than this.... I need to better me for me, so he can live better. 

I haven;t gotten anything done...I wish I could go out in a woods right now...  I hate being in the city far away from untouched nature, miles away from the city... I am so stressed, Lillian is not supposed to be in the city.... Lil' is a forest creature....
 

[Slogo]

Frustrated

[Scary Guy]

3 hours ago, Queen of Foxes said:

thinks he's a cop when really we is a very abusive man

 

So, a cop?  :P

 

Anyway, people like to give unsolicited advice, look at me I'm doing it right now because I am people!
 

 

Some people genuinely want to help though while others not only just want to hear themselves talk, and help but in a selfish way not to better you but to make you what they think you should be.  To which I say fuck those people, avoid them like the plague.  Even moreso, let them know why you're avoiding them because you don't need their unsolicited advice.

 

Anyway, on to my unsolicited advice.  As far as family goes you can cut them out and never deal with them again.  Change your number, don't give it out, don't talk to anyone who would give it out.

Get into another religion like Satanism or something equally as abhorrent to them.  Let them know you're not going back and that they're the ones being brainwashed.

 

As far as IT nerds go, honestly you kind of brought that on yourself when you got into a field made up of mostly men who can turn on a computer but can't turn on a woman.  It's a stereotype for a reason:

 

I have a friend who does remote help desk, maybe she has some specific tips.  I can pass you her number if you want.

 

Anyway if you're ever in a company that has an HR department, document everything and take it to them when something happens.  Also "all calls may be monitored for quality assurance" is fun too.  Just throw that in at the beginning and record everything.

 

If people get handsy or something pepper spray them in the face.  I know a few women who also keep hidden blades on them, but there are rules to any self defense tactics.

People body shaming you?  Flip it around and pick on them.  Find something with laser focus that they'd be insecure about and hammer on that.  Fat?  Suggest they run more or get lipho.  Big ears/nose?Big ears/nose?  Suggests they get plastic surgery.  Overly large truck?  Suggest they have a tiny dick and are compensating.  You sound like a nice person and I don't like being mean either.  However if they start it you should finish it.

 

Also, the best thing about advice (including mine) is you can just ignore it if you don't like it.

 

Finally, sorry about the hotdog .gif in the other thread, as it really does sound like you could use a hug and I do hope you feel better.

[Queen of Foxes]

Rocking back and forth. Cannot get out of the meltdown that I woke up into today. Tried using words in real life, and its not happening. I have been in and out of crying all morning for the passed 3 hours because my anxiety is high up there, all I can do is live in trauma flash backs, tried reaching out to my therapist, but he's backed up with work, and life, he is a dad so I am not upset at him.... 

 

Ripped a chunk out of my scalp on accident scratching my head in a meltdown state. Ripped the bed of my nail off too, lost two toenails again in the past month from the stress, honestly ripping nails off my feet have always been therapeutic when stress gets this bad. Roger is handling walking the dog and watering my plants until I can calm down and feel safe leaving the house again. 

Edited August 4, 2023 by Queen of Foxes

[Queen of Foxes]

Better. Roger didn't yell at me today for having anxiety like he use too. He's becoming more understanding of how to handle my meltdowns. He also took part of the day off and cleaned a whole bunch for me to help out since the past three months have been pure hell for us. 

 

He also made lunch. Which after he went outside, and since he was nearby, I stuck by him outside and followed him with the weed Wacker while he mowed. I'm happy to be working with this one person. They really are kind and reminded me to breath today over email. And even said not to worry about being late. So, it's nice, some stress off my back. I really wish I accidentally didn't forget my PTSD medications existed and quit taking them back in January. Finally over a 100 dose. Working back up to 300.

 

My psychiatrist sent me a list of all my medications I printed off and stuck to my med cupboard to help me keep track of them all. 

 

Still anxious. Going to take my second dose of Gabapentin for the day. It feels like my third dose tonight isn't going to get here soon enough. I hate how I feel from the issue of Time. I am so patient, but holy crap, do I hate when I'm late. It's the worst feeling. It feels like my skin is being peeled off from my shoulder down to my finger tips, slowly.

 

Better days are a head. They always are. 

[Scary Guy]

1 hour ago, Queen of Foxes said:

Better. Roger didn't yell at me today for having anxiety like he use too. He's becoming more understanding of how to handle my meltdowns. He also took part of the day off and cleaned a whole bunch for me to help out since the past three months have been pure hell for us. 

 

He also made lunch. Which after he went outside, and since he was nearby, I stuck by him outside and followed him with the weed Wacker while he mowed. I'm happy to be working with this one person. They really are kind and reminded me to breath today over email. And even said not to worry about being late. So, it's nice, some stress off my back. I really wish I accidentally didn't forget my PTSD medications existed and quit taking them back in January. Finally over a 100 dose. Working back up to 300.

 

My psychiatrist sent me a list of all my medications I printed off and stuck to my med cupboard to help me keep track of them all. 

 

Still anxious. Going to take my second dose of Gabapentin for the day. It feels like my third dose tonight isn't going to get here soon enough. I hate how I feel from the issue of Time. I am so patient, but holy crap, do I hate when I'm late. It's the worst feeling. It feels like my skin is being peeled off from my shoulder down to my finger tips, slowly.

 

Better days are a head. They always are. 

Honestly with all those issues that I've read in the thread have you checked into SSI?  Sounds like you'd probably qualify.

 

Though I guess that thirst for money is there, but that usually requires trading a bit of sanity to get.  Personally I'd rather be happy than rich, but I'll settle for comfortable I guess.  Also money doesn't buy happiness but it buys a lot of other things which can help distract you from whatever sadness/depression that may exist.

Anyway best of luck.

7 hours ago, gwen said:

angry that

bad google reviews of doctors seem to be getting placed at the bottom

everyone complaining about last surgeon i went to

too late for me.

this is better than it was tho

now i can feel mesh poking into my gut. 

fml.

 

 

I hope you feel better too.  Getting old often means collecting medical issues like Beanie Babies or Hummles something.  Which if anyone actually knows what those are they probably have.

I probably should go to the doctor, but I figure if I ignore things long enough eventually I won't have to worry about it anymore.

[creatureofthenyte]

I feel great, now that this week is over.

I feel It started out crappy and stressful,  and I feel that  it ended sort of the same way. 

[know_buddy_kares]

Absolutely exhausted, and not just end of work week exhausted, but like life force exhausted. Thanks to learning how to harness my CPTSD, I've been able to put myself on full throttle beast mode for 3 straight years. 2021 I had 3 full time kitchen jobs. Lead line cook at two, and baker at the third. 2022 I had just 2, one lead line cook and the baker position. I had like maybe 7..8? days off total for those two years.

This year is actually my calmest in work, but it's still full time. Like financially I got some serious momentum going. And somehow my body hasn't slowed down yet. But man I'm just feeling the exhaustion from that and so much more these past 3 years.

 

I feel secure though. Not complete yet, but my goals are pushing forward at a visible speed finally. But the exhaustion is accumulating, but I'm pacing myself now. 

[Queen of Foxes]

11 minutes ago, know_buddy_kares said:

Absolutely exhausted, and not just end of work week exhausted, but like life force exhausted. Thanks to learning how to harness my CPTSD, I've been able to put myself on full throttle beast mode for 3 straight years. 2021 I had 3 full time kitchen jobs. Lead line cook at two, and baker at the third. 2022 I had just 2, one lead line cook and the baker position. I had like maybe 7..8? days off total for those two years.

This year is actually my calmest in work, but it's still full time. Like financially I got some serious momentum going. And somehow my body hasn't slowed down yet. But man I'm just feeling the exhaustion from that and so much more these past 3 years.

 

I feel secure though. Not complete yet, but my goals are pushing forward at a visible speed finally. But the exhaustion is accumulating, but I'm pacing myself now. 

 

I am cheering for you. You got this 

[phee]

I am feeling an odd combination of anxiety, excitement, spite, worry, relief....

[oXMiahGraceXo]

1 hour ago, phee said:

I am feeling an odd combination of anxiety, excitement, spite, worry, relief....

I hope the good out weighs the bad for you! 

[Queen of Foxes]

1 hour ago, phee said:

I am feeling an odd combination of anxiety, excitement, spite, worry, relief....

I usually feel that when my bladder is full... 

[Queen of Foxes]

14 hours ago, phee said:

M

It won't let me delete the quote again. 

 

 

Anywaaaaaaaays

 

I'm an idiot. I hate people. Roger has an alcoholic problem, rarely, but every couple of months he gets super sadistic when he drinks. Then yells at me that I'm trying to control him when I go into a panic mode because of my trauma and anxiety... So he never tells me he's going out with his friends, and at 4 am.... And tells me how horrible I am... Like, I... Don't know why he won't just leave... I'm mentally ill, I'm not okay. I'm tired of people trying to force me to be normal. I have the government behind me saying I'm legit crazy, and, I go into meltdowns, and he doesn't want to touch me or anything. He punishes me.. Then when I try to learn about autism and teach him about what I learned in the process of being a late diagnosed autistic adult, he rolls his eyes and tells me I'm obsessed about it. Then when I apologize to him in public for talking about it to share my relations with people, he pretends he never does that.... Literally, if it wasn't for my friend, I'd be lost, I explain things to her asking if it's okay, like the time I choked on water... And Roger thought I was vaping, not weed, but real vape stuff. I never do, but it was this ONE literal time. He excuses me of coughing on it and told me he wants to watch me intake the toxins, and he stood there trying to force me verbally to vape in front of him and prove I was coughing on that.... 

 

 

Like.. I don't need to say how fucked up that was...i hate alcohol... It's always caused men to be abusive in my life. Family, boyfriend's, even friends.... 

 

I have no other options, the government doesn't want to help me out. They don't see me as a concern so I have to figure out how to take care of me. 

 

I don't know.. Everyone I trust turns oh me... Ever since I was born. I just, like I said I DO NOT want to connect with people anymore. So many times I trust people, and, either they make me out as someone in not when I'm trying to find salutations and communicate, and talk things through... Then they turn to arguing and when they realize I don't want to argue, that's when it gets worse... I hate being me.... I love being me when no one is around, but when people are around, I hate that I can't socialize, that even in my report cards, it has always said, I need help socially. Now I'm 31 and finally on the road to getting myself fixed up and hopefully never need to depend on people again...

 

But, saying that, my metal sister came over in a hurry this morning. She is here. She wants me to go get food. I should dress up and treat myself. I was scared last night, and as someone who doesn't understand a lot, and when anxiety hits, I can't even form words, it was real. It was freaky, even my metal sister looked at the candle and everything. She is, weirded out. She knows I'm not making up the fire story. I tried blowinf it out and the flame got bigger. So I ran it across the house to the metal sink and doused it before it got worse. It was over a carpet, with paper posters, and electric cords and outlits. As a daughter of a firemen, that is incredibly concerning. 

 

I have autism, I am not a normal person. I am scared a lot easier and I do not understand things like normal people do. There IS a barrier between me and everyone else because, I have a hard time remembering word meanings and I sometimes use words that are similar, and yeah... It's a mess when I try to talk to people....i give up, and I really don't want anymore connections. Dawn, my metal sister, my Eagle Father. Yes, he asked me to not call him a brother, but a father... So, I'm crying... I.. Have family who wants me and let's me talk and never gets mad and helps me find the right words to use instead of getting mad at the first site of a misused word, and then behave aggressively.. I can see aggression in people, a lot... And it is incredibly scary.... So many want to control others now a days. It's so screwed up.. And I'm stuck in it again... My father cried and told me he is sorry I was born in this situation... Dude.. I'm like... 

[SlavicGoth]

So sleep deprived and starting to feel that dream feeling. Thank gods its Saturday 

[oXMiahGraceXo]

10 minutes ago, Queen of Foxes said:

 

So when I moved to MI it was to flee domestic violence. I don't really talk about it much because I'm in therapy and pay someone well to have to hear about that bs. But I think that experience is a bit relevant here. 

 

If someone in your life is making you feel, regularly like you are a problem and even getting upset at you for trying to understand yourself better and painting THAT like a problem I don't think I have a title to put on that behavior that doesn't involve the A word. 

I know how these situations go, so I'm not going to try and convince you you need help you don't want or tell you something you don't need to hear but the one thing I will say is this. 

 

I didn't think anyone would love me aside from the person I had to cross state lines to get away from. I didn't think I deserved someone who wouldn't control me because I genuinely believed that I was somehow so bad I had to be controlled. This was bs. People told me in so many ways that it was bs and I couldn't tell you what made me see that I deserved more but once I did and got help (specifically intensive treatment for C-ptsd) I was actually like happy being myself. 

 

When you don't have someone constantly kicking you while you're down and bringing a microscope to your flaws you have a much better chance at finding peace and stability. 

 

Like I said, this is the only time I will ever say this or anything like it. You deserve to be happy in your own skin. No one has the right to treat you this way. This sounds like psychological abuse to me. And you deserve better. 

 

I don't have a spare room to offer, I wish I did. And I can't really help you get on your own feet financially as I'm recovering from a divorce myself, but if you need/want a recommendation for a good therapist I've got you covered. And if you need or want someone to tell you that no one has the right to discourage you from trying to understand, accommodate or celebrate yourself I will be the first one to do it. 

 

Whatever you decide to do I still will respect you and think you're cool as shit. And like I said, I'm not going to bring this up again

 

I hope things get a little easier for you

[know_buddy_kares]

QoF, this hits home why I prefer being alone. The control and anger. I hate that in people. Drinking too. Way back in 2005-2007 between the Marines and army I was out of control but never abusive. Being in situations that required me to depend on people to just get controlled and used made me get drunk and act out worse. Being a parent is a hard push against my natural spirit too as I have to exercise SOME levels of control on them to prevent them from hurting themselves or others, and it's exhausting to me. I hate the idea of controlling or being controlled.

I am sorry your man is having a hard time understanding you. It sounds like he is having some struggles with his own demons too. I truly hope the best for both of you. I hope you two can get on some common understanding to help improve your situation in life.

 

Having friends at a distance has always helped me. There's a safety in being separated by distance, but it has its hindrances too. True they can't come over and take their own personal dysfunctions out on you, but they can't really help either. But for what it's worth there is emotional support in that style of friendship. Even by proxy like on these forums, someone always seems to understand someone else on here.

 

I wish I knew more to actually offer some solid advice to flip your settings to be more in your favor. But for what it's worth you're not exactly alone. None of us are in the same identical boats, but we all seem to be floating down shit creek together regardless.