what are you doing right now? (cont'd)

[Slogo]

Watching Sesame Street while drinking a smoothie. Wild times over here

[et-novum]

Doing housework. After two weeks of trying and failing to get the dryer vent installed I finally got it finished and now I can stop gassing myself whenever I dry my towels. Carbon monoxide poisoning is probably not the best way to get high.

 

(it was venting  outside but the duct kept falling off and I needed a cordless drill to put a new vent cover on to secure it)

[creatureofthenyte]

Relaxing in my office. 

Spent the morning outside doing yardwork.

[Trene4000]

Brushing cats.

[kat (1)]

Being childish and playing with this jukebox app, trolling the bar down the street with this ear garbage here. (Thanks to TWD)

 

Edited July 8 by kat

[TronRP]

Determining what to handle next.  My To-Do list is going slower than I expected.

[Scary Guy]

On 7/8/2024 at 2:49 PM, kat said:

Being childish and playing with this jukebox app, trolling the bar down the street with this ear garbage here. (Thanks to TWD)

 

 

 

[creatureofthenyte]

Hiding out in my dark, air conditioned office at home.

[Anna Phylaxis]

On 7/3/2024 at 4:28 AM, Scary Guy said:

 

The nice thing about having a good relationship is that I know she already knows.  I know this because my mom knew this, even though I probably should have told her more often.

Though since I'm late to the party (per usual) I hope things went well and you are seeing/got to see her.  As Tron said (sorta) my thoughts are with you as well.

I did get to see her. We arrived on July 3 and left to come back here on July 7. My mother was a tall and statue woman, when she was younger. She still held herself up as a tall person, even after my father passed away. Little by little, she had begun to deteriorate. She had to have two knee replacements, the arches of her feet had fallen, she needed to use a cane, and then a walker. 
 

fast forward to just a couple of months ago. She fell in her apartment and wound up, going to the emergency room. They did x-rays and found shadows. That was followed by a biopsy, which confirmed that she had cancer. She wound up going into a nursing home. My first job ever was in a nursing home and I was really un-fucking happy that she was in a nursing home. Luckily, she wasn’t going to end up staying there for long. The treatment of her dramatically differed once she was moved from the second to the first floor. My sister was telling me things and I didn’t like it. That’s about the time when they found out that she was terminal and that they were cancerous cells all over her body. She has two large tumors. One is in her rib cage, which is destroying her rib cage. she also has one in her neck, and there’s no place to go but up with that one. 

 

Seeing her looks so small, fragile, and whiter than ever was hard. We hung for a couple of hours before going to grab dinner. She looked absolutely terrified when we were leaving. We assured her that we will be back the morning of the fourth, before we went to my cousin’s for a barbecue. She definitely seemed better than. We spent the majority of Friday going through her stuff and figuring out was what was trash, what was good to donate, and what we were going to hang onto for the open house on the following day. We found a ridiculous amount of pairs of scissors, a ridiculous amount of reading glasses, and for some bizarre reason, at least five or six copies of Shania Twain’s “hit album,” “Come On Over.” Not gonna lie, we laughed our asses off over that.
 

Saturday was spent doing the open house. Not enough stuff was taken, but my sister had already set up with a company to come pick up the stuff to either donate to people or take to the dump. I bought her what is most likely her very last crabcake because I don’t know anyone else that is going to pay almost 30 bucks for a single crabcake with no sides. We also bought my sister one. I can’t have them anymore because I’m now allergic to iodine. That blows. She had a very hard time understanding that my one cousin and her husband (who we don’t speak to you anymore because we don’t speak to anyone on my father side of the family and haven’t for 16 years) was not at my cousin’s barbecue. My cousins all my mothers I don’t even know them. But she kept insisting that she was coming to the barbecue. I eventually just let it slide. She also kept calling me by my sister‘s name. I didn’t correct her. I didn’t want her to feel bad that she was losing more of her faculties. My sister has always had black hair. I have never stayed one color for any real length of time. But again, I wasn’t going to pick on her about that.

 

Sunday was the hardest. We went to see her early, as we were on our way back to Detroit. I have never seen her in that much pain. She was literally riding in pain. Her neck was killing her and so was her bladder. She hit the button for the nurse, but I insisted on hovering over the nurses station to get somebody in there. She had to wait a little bit for her pain relief because she had only had it  3 1/2 hours prior. My mother then told us to leave. We didn’t, right away. I wasn’t sure if I should. That’s how bad this was. She told us to go again, and so we all gave her kisses and left. I barely made it out of her room when I started crying. My son started crying. It was a fucking awful feeling. We just stood outside of the hospice hugging each other and crying while Jeff went to get the car.

 

she is sounding better at this point, but nothing has changed as far as her life expectancy. She thinks that she’s going to vote this year. I don’t think she’s going to make it for that. My sister doesn’t, either. But that’s the latest, it sucks so much ass, and I really unhappy about it. But I also feel so much better because I saw her and I touched her. Yes, I’m struggling. I am absolutely struggling. We will take the fact that she sounds really good right now as a major win. 

[TronRP]

1 hour ago, Anna Phylaxis said:

I did get to see her. We arrived on July 3 and left to come back here on July 7. My mother was a tall and statue woman, when she was younger. She still held herself up as a tall person, even after my father passed away. Little by little, she had begun to deteriorate. She had to have two knee replacements, the arches of her feet had fallen, she needed to use a cane, and then a walker. 
 

fast forward to just a couple of months ago. She fell in her apartment and wound up, going to the emergency room. They did x-rays and found shadows. That was followed by a biopsy, which confirmed that she had cancer. She wound up going into a nursing home. My first job ever was in a nursing home and I was really un-fucking happy that she was in a nursing home. Luckily, she wasn’t going to end up staying there for long. The treatment of her dramatically differed once she was moved from the second to the first floor. My sister was telling me things and I didn’t like it. That’s about the time when they found out that she was terminal and that they were cancerous cells all over her body. She has two large tumors. One is in her rib cage, which is destroying her rib cage. she also has one in her neck, and there’s no place to go but up with that one. 

 

Seeing her looks so small, fragile, and whiter than ever was hard. We hung for a couple of hours before going to grab dinner. She looked absolutely terrified when we were leaving. We assured her that we will be back the morning of the fourth, before we went to my cousin’s for a barbecue. She definitely seemed better than. We spent the majority of Friday going through her stuff and figuring out was what was trash, what was good to donate, and what we were going to hang onto for the open house on the following day. We found a ridiculous amount of pairs of scissors, a ridiculous amount of reading glasses, and for some bizarre reason, at least five or six copies of Shania Twain’s “hit album,” “Come On Over.” Not gonna lie, we laughed our asses off over that.
 

Saturday was spent doing the open house. Not enough stuff was taken, but my sister had already set up with a company to come pick up the stuff to either donate to people or take to the dump. I bought her what is most likely her very last crabcake because I don’t know anyone else that is going to pay almost 30 bucks for a single crabcake with no sides. We also bought my sister one. I can’t have them anymore because I’m now allergic to iodine. That blows. She had a very hard time understanding that my one cousin and her husband (who we don’t speak to you anymore because we don’t speak to anyone on my father side of the family and haven’t for 16 years) was not at my cousin’s barbecue. My cousins all my mothers I don’t even know them. But she kept insisting that she was coming to the barbecue. I eventually just let it slide. She also kept calling me by my sister‘s name. I didn’t correct her. I didn’t want her to feel bad that she was losing more of her faculties. My sister has always had black hair. I have never stayed one color for any real length of time. But again, I wasn’t going to pick on her about that.

 

Sunday was the hardest. We went to see her early, as we were on our way back to Detroit. I have never seen her in that much pain. She was literally riding in pain. Her neck was killing her and so was her bladder. She hit the button for the nurse, but I insisted on hovering over the nurses station to get somebody in there. She had to wait a little bit for her pain relief because she had only had it  3 1/2 hours prior. My mother then told us to leave. We didn’t, right away. I wasn’t sure if I should. That’s how bad this was. She told us to go again, and so we all gave her kisses and left. I barely made it out of her room when I started crying. My son started crying. It was a fucking awful feeling. We just stood outside of the hospice hugging each other and crying while Jeff went to get the car.

 

she is sounding better at this point, but nothing has changed as far as her life expectancy. She thinks that she’s going to vote this year. I don’t think she’s going to make it for that. My sister doesn’t, either. But that’s the latest, it sucks so much ass, and I really unhappy about it. But I also feel so much better because I saw her and I touched her. Yes, I’m struggling. I am absolutely struggling. We will take the fact that she sounds really good right now as a major win. 

~~~~~

[TronRP]

Getting bill pays done before the end of the month.

[Scary Guy]

4 hours ago, Anna Phylaxis said:

I did get to see her. We arrived on July 3 and left to come back here on July 7. My mother was a tall and statue woman, when she was younger. She still held herself up as a tall person, even after my father passed away. Little by little, she had begun to deteriorate. She had to have two knee replacements, the arches of her feet had fallen, she needed to use a cane, and then a walker. 
 

fast forward to just a couple of months ago. She fell in her apartment and wound up, going to the emergency room. They did x-rays and found shadows. That was followed by a biopsy, which confirmed that she had cancer. She wound up going into a nursing home. My first job ever was in a nursing home and I was really un-fucking happy that she was in a nursing home. Luckily, she wasn’t going to end up staying there for long. The treatment of her dramatically differed once she was moved from the second to the first floor. My sister was telling me things and I didn’t like it. That’s about the time when they found out that she was terminal and that they were cancerous cells all over her body. She has two large tumors. One is in her rib cage, which is destroying her rib cage. she also has one in her neck, and there’s no place to go but up with that one. 

 

Seeing her looks so small, fragile, and whiter than ever was hard. We hung for a couple of hours before going to grab dinner. She looked absolutely terrified when we were leaving. We assured her that we will be back the morning of the fourth, before we went to my cousin’s for a barbecue. She definitely seemed better than. We spent the majority of Friday going through her stuff and figuring out was what was trash, what was good to donate, and what we were going to hang onto for the open house on the following day. We found a ridiculous amount of pairs of scissors, a ridiculous amount of reading glasses, and for some bizarre reason, at least five or six copies of Shania Twain’s “hit album,” “Come On Over.” Not gonna lie, we laughed our asses off over that.
 

Saturday was spent doing the open house. Not enough stuff was taken, but my sister had already set up with a company to come pick up the stuff to either donate to people or take to the dump. I bought her what is most likely her very last crabcake because I don’t know anyone else that is going to pay almost 30 bucks for a single crabcake with no sides. We also bought my sister one. I can’t have them anymore because I’m now allergic to iodine. That blows. She had a very hard time understanding that my one cousin and her husband (who we don’t speak to you anymore because we don’t speak to anyone on my father side of the family and haven’t for 16 years) was not at my cousin’s barbecue. My cousins all my mothers I don’t even know them. But she kept insisting that she was coming to the barbecue. I eventually just let it slide. She also kept calling me by my sister‘s name. I didn’t correct her. I didn’t want her to feel bad that she was losing more of her faculties. My sister has always had black hair. I have never stayed one color for any real length of time. But again, I wasn’t going to pick on her about that.

 

Sunday was the hardest. We went to see her early, as we were on our way back to Detroit. I have never seen her in that much pain. She was literally riding in pain. Her neck was killing her and so was her bladder. She hit the button for the nurse, but I insisted on hovering over the nurses station to get somebody in there. She had to wait a little bit for her pain relief because she had only had it  3 1/2 hours prior. My mother then told us to leave. We didn’t, right away. I wasn’t sure if I should. That’s how bad this was. She told us to go again, and so we all gave her kisses and left. I barely made it out of her room when I started crying. My son started crying. It was a fucking awful feeling. We just stood outside of the hospice hugging each other and crying while Jeff went to get the car.

 

she is sounding better at this point, but nothing has changed as far as her life expectancy. She thinks that she’s going to vote this year. I don’t think she’s going to make it for that. My sister doesn’t, either. But that’s the latest, it sucks so much ass, and I really unhappy about it. But I also feel so much better because I saw her and I touched her. Yes, I’m struggling. I am absolutely struggling. We will take the fact that she sounds really good right now as a major win. 

That's rough and I'm sorry you're going through that.

"She had to wait a little bit for her pain relief because she had only had it  3 1/2 hours prior." That really pissed me off though.  If someone is that terminal who cares when the last time was?  The only thing you can do really is pain management.  There's no fixing or even maintaining really.  There is only waiting for things to break down and stop because assisted suicide in this country is a joke (except in a few forward thinking states.)

You want a hard fucking watch?  If you can't make it through I get it, but it did make me feel better after my own mother died, and I'm not really sure how else to help other than comedy, because life really is a joke sometimes.  Other times it really isn't because jokes are supposed to be funny.  Laughter really is the best medicine though, especially when it's the only medicine (I say only because I don't really drink or do drugs, which while being options they're not great options.)

I don't know if you're doing therapy/grief counseling, but you should really think about that too.

All I can say is it's a pain you never forget, but it does get easier over time.  The fact that she's still alive but not all there mentally is even tougher.  At a certain point death is a release.

Not saying I want us to turn into Canada, where they suggest it as a solution for everything.  But I had a thought the other day.  We put down our pets when they get too ill.  Bestiality is illegal because they can't consent, and so logically they also can't consent to that.  Yet we do it "as a kindness" or whatever.  No, we do it because taking care of them or the emotional labor of watching them suffer is too much and we don't want to deal.  They can't even really conceptualize death as we do either and the end is just scary ignorance of what is happening for them.

People however can consent if they choose.  Yet most states including ours make it illegal to nope out when things get really bad.  We are forced to suffer or break the law.  I'm full on pro-choice and things like this are also included in that.  Most people are just selfish and we don't want to see our loved ones go.

Sorry, rant over.  I hope you feel better.