Back From The Hospital / Video

[Troy Spiral (13)]

The timeline is a bit hazy for me but it goes something like this:

 

Friday evening things started feeling really dark for a couple reasons.   The overriding one as usual is starting to feel like I'm not useful or am in danger of becoming useless in terms of society.  I don't want to just suck down air and watch football.  There are other issues to but that one is the big one.  Every time I start thinking about "house spiral" as an idea i feel a bit positive (if I'm in a state to actually do something) but when things seem to be getting to where I won't be able to continue either due to mental health , physical health or money (lame how that is even a factor)  I start down the tunnel. 

 

At some point early saturday I drove myself to the hospital (thought about doing that 100 times but never did) and just told them I wasn't feeling safe and could I stay there for awhile.  They just sat me in the ER with a babysitter (what I expected, they take awhile to actually "admit" you to the nuthouse, which I was counting on.  Unless you get stuck with a shitty roomate its honestly not a big deal.  They just stick you in a room, most are much nicer than the normal hospital rooms.  But I didn't want to be MIA for half a week. Once you get admitted they typically keep you for a minimum of 2 or 3 days (and then try like hell to kick you out... not because you are better but because of insurance pressure... welcome to 'privatized' medicine that no other major western democracy puts up with)  But anyhow...

 

So I started feeling better enough to not want to jump off a cliff and convinced the resident shrink of the same and after being up for like 40 hours came home and started right in on editing the new video (makes me feel useful and I set a semi-solid deadline of "at least once a week by sunday" so that had to get done.   Fast forward another day and I'm still awake.  Not depressed now, stressed out too the roof about the same dang issues just agitated / concerned like mad instead.   GRRRR.

 

Not that this is a new feeling.  But I had been having much milder symptoms over the last 4 months or so this is a really rough kick in the head to feel like I'm back at square one.  "What is the point then?" Keeps popping up, which is the start of the dark road.  I do have it in control right now but god dammit, just stop already!  I have things I want to do with my life other than spending 80 hours a week "working" on not being crazy.  

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Oh yeah the video is done... not even gonna bother to make a separate link to it: 

 

I thought the last two were a lot of work.  HO LEE CRAP did this take forever. 

 

Like/Bell/Jump/Skip/Hop/Do The Hokey Pokey thank you.

 

 

[NocteSpiritus]

Being sitting here trying to think of something ... profound, but nothing came to mind. Take care of yourself, don't worry about the little things.  The fact that you're still here and keep fighting is good. The hellhound's gonna pop up from time to time (I'm proof of that), you just need to fight back. Remember that you got people here who love you and wanna see you around more.

 

Always Keep Fighting.

[Stu]

Just a couple of things...

First, I know I'm a bit biased here on this point, but have you ever tried a professional massage?  Some factors re: mood can be influenced by your body's state of relaxation, circulation and well-being.  A decent massage session can often be of great help.

Secondly, my DJ colleague, Randy Bartlett, promotes his method he calls "The 1% solution."  Basically it boils down to making small improvements over time.  See, the best outcomes aren't the result of scrapping something and making a wholesale change, or some huge upheaval, but of very small improvements done over days, months or years.  I have done this with my DJ show and it has taken me to new heights.  And, of course, you can apply this to just about everything in life.

Persistence is key; just keep on moving forward.  I keep lists.  I have a list of everything I want to accomplish and the steps needed to get there.  It's the first thing I look at when I wake up.  Each day, I try to cross off at least one item.  Even when I can't, I can usually find some small thing I can do to get me closer, be it a phone call, email or online post/query that will push me onward to eventually checking off something.  When you stretch this out over time, it's basically a "no fail" solution.  And I get to go to sleep each night knowing that there's nothing more I could've done that day.  Tomorrow, then, is truly a new start!

You've heard the expression, "time is money"?  Well, even when I don't have the money to throw at something, I CAN take my TIME to do it!  I can post.  I can email.  I can research.  I can mobilize my friends, family and colleagues.  There is ALWAYS something I can do!  That YOU can do.  And that has VALUE - it's like an endless debit card.

Given all of that, it's all about staying positive.  Change comes slowly.  But change comes to those willing to work to make it happen.  It's a bit like working with fascia for us massage people.  You don't just go in and press the crap out of it!  That will hurt like hell and, in the end, just make things worse.  But use a minimum of force and apply it over time, and you can work magic!  You just need to be doggedly persistent.  Keep on keepin' on.  Do what you can.  Do all you can.  And don't stop!

Thanks for all you do!

[TronRP]

Wow...how did I miss this posting.  I watched the video on YouTube, but didn't see it here until now.