My heart grows black.

[Soulrev]

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseacti...=20050713031609

[Soulrev]

As a sidenote..

I just wanted to let everyone know that all that I have been through recently is slowly but surely reverting me to the old self I used to be.. It's not good. Not good at all. Right now is not a good time to try and be my friend. I need to get through this myself, somehow. Feel free to speak your input as you will on here, but from this day forward I do not exist any more. The old me is coming out fast, and the old me doesn't give a fuck about you or *anyone* else.. Not even myself. Just let me do my thing for a while.. I'll be back sometime.

[Fierce Critter]

You know, sometimes "love" works out between younger people.

But most of the time, no. People at your age are going through too much change to know what you want.

You may THINK you know what you want. (And in some exceptions, people your age DO.) But do you really? Can she really at her age?

You both are SO young.

You'll never understand just how young you are until you're OLDER. And thus the conundrum. You won't believe me at your age. You won't see what people with about a decade on you can see so very, very clearly - without ever looking you in the face.

You are changing. ENJOY IT! I've seen you, in the span of just a year or so, go from tight-assed, bigoted know-it-all jerkoff to somewhat open-minded, questing thinker. I even took you off ignore. =)

Keep questing. Keep thinking. Keep observing. And maybe you'll see just how young she is - just how much change even SHE must be going through right now.

I know I'm talking out my ass, sounding like Wise Old Auntie Critter. I know I'm spewing all the crap I hated hearing my parents and much-older siblings say to me at the same age. I know it, and damned if I know how to convince you that IT'S ALL TRUE.

Buck up, dude. Enjoy the changes you're going through, and understand the same thing is probably happening to her. BAD time to try to pin down your one-and-only-for-the-rest-of-your-life-happily-ever-after.

[Brenda Starrr]

=(

[Soulrev]

I just don't know what I should do anymore.. I can't help but love her but.. Damn.. I just feel so empty without her. The thing that bothers me most is this -

99% of the time I can control myself.. My emotions, my feelings, my anger, everything.. But with this whole issue I don't know why I can't bring myself to get over her. I mean I know all the bullshit she has put me through.. I know how bad she has treated me.. But I keep coming back? Wtf.. I wish I could just get over her.. Maybe I need more motivational speaking from my fellow peers as to why I should not be with her.. Maybe eventually my friends (you guys included of course) will condition my mind to just forget about that fucking bitch and move on. UGH.

[DarkVampire]

Been there and speaking from experiance in a way. It's hard to let someone go but you must. If you don't than it's going to eat away at you. It took me several years to move ahead with life and meet new women. Why it took several years? Because I refused to let her go, at least in my mind, and move ahead with life. I wasted a few years of my life feeling sorry for myself, hoping, wishing things would go back as they were.

That's a problem with some of us guys and that's to let it go. But for your own sanity you must do so.

[Brenda Starrr]

Brian, I know it's hard to just "get over her." But, it happens. You'll hurt for what seems like forever. When the pain starts to subside, it'll be like you just woke up from a really long sleep-you feel new and ready to kick the shit out of the world. Heartbreak is the worst pain ever, as far as what I believe. No one wants to go through it. I swear that you will be okay. If you need to talk, you know that you have me and a bunch of others who are there for you.

[Lilith]

I took this from another thing i wrote on here as i dont know what else to say. I think it rings true to love and friends and just about everythin in life on some level or another.

Friends, people, jobs, things, they all are in your life for a reason, once they have left weather it be on good or bad terms they were placed in your life to make you learn something. You may never realize it and the process can be very hurtful but once it is all over, you should look back and see what you can learn. You should never for get the lessons either or you are bound to repeat them. You should also be happy that there job in your life is done, and they are moving on to do there job with another person, be happy that they have fullfilled there purpose.

Friends will hurt you, the good one apologize and help you get over the hurt and they try no to hurt you again, those who do it for fun or just don’t care are never true friends, they are not worth you time and tears and pain and once you realize that it get easier to let those people go. You don’t need to know the reason why they hurt you, or why they don’t care that they did, all you need to know is that they did and they don’t care and that you don’t need that stuff in your life.

We all want to have allot of friends to help fulfill our lives, but remember a few good ones are better then a ton of people who just don’t care.

Keep your chins up and look to those who really care and love you.

FC is right by the way, 100% You are young enjoy your youth get out discover other loves and find out what you really want in a love for that happy ending.

i went throught the ringer and was engaged a few times befor i found the one, it will happen but this is how you learn to get what you really want for the rest of your life. Seriously one day (if you stay with her) you wil wake up and probally go WTF am i doing, i dont want this and be miserable, way more miserable then you are now. Yes there is a possiablity it would be fine but really if this was that exception wouldnt things be going better already?

lilith

[Scary Guy]

Sorry but the age thing is bullshit, I'm almost 25, I knew what I wanted when I was 17, and I'm still pining over her for who the fuck knows why (the one who gave me my name). But after all this time it's turned from love into bitter bitter hate. But yeah I get like that with all past relationships where I wanted it to work out but it didn't. Rarely do I remain friends with the girl in such cases (usually cuase I never hear from them after even if we say we'll remain friends).

Welcome to a world where women stomp on your heart. It's a unique pain which I've grown used to unfortunately. Time really does heal nothing or at least with me. The only thing I can do is try fill the void with someone else and move on, but you never, ever forget.

DarkVampire speaks some wise words, try to listen to him, and don't turn into me.

[Brenda Starrr]

Welcome to a world where women stomp on your heart.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It's not just women, or all women. I'm not that kind of woman. I have had men do this to me, though. Yet, I'm not bitter.....

[Lilith]

Sorry but the age thing is bullshit, I'm almost 25, I knew what I wanted when I was 17, and I'm still pining over her for who the fuck knows why (the one who gave me my name).  But after all this time it's turned from love into bitter bitter hate.  But yeah I get like that with all past relationships where I wanted it to work out but it didn't.  Rarely do I remain friends with the girl in such cases (usually cuase I never hear from them after even if we say we'll remain friends).

Welcome to a world where women stomp on your heart.  It's a unique pain which I've grown used to unfortunately.  Time really does heal nothing or at least with me.  The only thing I can do is try fill the void with someone else and move on, but you never, ever forget.

DarkVampire speaks some wise words, try to listen to him, and don't turn into me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i feel compelled to repat my self again

Friends, people, jobs, things, they all are in your life for a reason, once they have left weather it be on good or bad terms they were placed in your life to make you learn something. You may never realize it and the process can be very hurtful but once it is all over, you should look back and see what you can learn. You should never for get the lessons either or you are bound to repeat them

[Scary Guy]

It's not just women, or all women. I'm not that kind of woman. I have had men do this to me, though. Yet, I'm not bitter.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You're married, thats your reason for not being that kind of woman lol.

You should never for get the lessons either or you are bound to repeat them

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm wise beyond my years, however I don't think I'll ever learn anything, some never want to.

If I was truely wise I'd just give up on women all togeather and just move on with life. However sleeping alone is only comfortable after a long day.

[Soulrev]

-=hugs David=-

I don't know guys..

I just feel like I'm so worthless. My own parents don't even give a fuck about me anymore, and then to have the one person I had that I could share my feelings with, tell my secrets to, the one person who I thought cared about me, genuinely, just kicks me off to the ditch and ignores me like I'm a worthless piece of trash who doesn't even the deserve the time of day from her..

God damn it now I'm crying over it.. I haven't cried all this time and .. Fuck!

I would rather be physically tortured for eternity than deal with any more of this kind of pain..

I can't type anymore...

[Brenda Starrr]

You're married, thats your reason for not being that kind of woman lol.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was always this kind of woman. Even before I got married!!

-=hugs David=-

I don't know guys..

I just feel like I'm so worthless. My own parents don't even give a fuck about me anymore, and then to have the one person I had that I could share my feelings with, tell my secrets to, the one person who I thought cared about me, genuinely, just kicks me off to the ditch and ignores me like I'm a worthless piece of trash who doesn't even the deserve the time of day from her..

God damn it now I'm crying over it.. I haven't cried all this time and .. Fuck!

I would rather be physically tortured for eternity than deal with any more of this kind of pain..

I can't type anymore...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You're NOT worthless, Brian!! Please don't say that. If your own parents don't even care, then they're not what I would call parents. You deserve so much, and she's not very deserving of a man like you. Cry....let it fucking GO.

[Soulrev]

I can't help but to feel like it, Brenda.. I have nobody right now..

[Brenda Starrr]

You have us.

[torn asunder]

I just feel like I'm so worthless.

I can't help but to feel like it, Brenda.. I have nobody right now..

and here is where your trouble stems from - you deserve the best, but you don't believe it. you think you'll find "the thing" that makes you happy, outside yourself, when you must realize, true happiness comes from within. as long as you rely on external things for your hapopiness, you are at the whim of those things, and will never be truly happy and content.

i wrote this to myself a while back - see if it means anythin to you... if not, feel free to disregard it entirely!

take care, man...

[Fierce Critter]

You always have somebody - YOURSELF.

I think you're going through something I went through in my 20's. You reach a point where you see seemingly everyone around you paired-up with someone else. You see yourself without a partner and you start feeling like a lonely, worthless freak.

Which I did, and which plunged me into a nightmare of being in relationships just for the sake of being in a relationship.

It took some time of being miserable with miserable, scary people to realize how much more enjoyable my sole company was. It took realizing that being alone doesn't have to mean being LONELY.

You have to step back, look at a relationship and say, "Am I happier in a relationship with that person, or would I be happier with that person out of my life?"

It takes work. You have to sit back and decide to enjoy your own company. You have to redetermine what's important to you - and STICK TO IT.

As far as the age thing, I did say there are some exceptions. But trust me - it bears out true the majority of the time.

[Scary Guy]

I agree, let it out first of all.

Second, sometimes water is thicker than blood (hell most of the time with us). Outcast from our families for being the "black sheep" we have to rely on eachother. That said I feel closer to some of my friends in the scene than I do to my own family.

I also agree with Brenda, you have us. True friends will always be there for you, no matter what.

It's also much easier to fall into love, than out of love.

At the very least know someone shares your pain.

You will get past the rage and the anger and grow to accept it. Same as with death pretty much, these are the same stages you go through.

DENIAL: It isn't over, she doesn't know what she wants, she's just stupid to let me go, how can this be? She'll get over it and realise that being with me is the most important thing in the universe.

ANGER: HOW could she do this to ME, I'll get even I'll get another girl to make her jellous, I will make her see the error of her ways. (this also usually results in the breaking of more objects within reach not bolted down).

BARGAINING: I can fix it, I can show her the error of her ways. I'll try to be more of the guy she wants, the ideal mate.

DEPRESSION: (where I'm stuck at) Life sucks, I'm just going to sit around, jerk off to net porn, and wait for death.

ACCEPTANCE: I need to move on or I'll be unhappy for the rest of my life. No sense dwelling on the past, I need to look towards the future. I'll find someone better eventually.

[Soulrev]

Ya know I don't want to be with her anymore (maybe when she grows up) but I still want to be her friend and she's still completely ignoring me.. Called her twice today and left voicemails.. Nothing..

I just can't believe how she's treating me like this.. I didn't do anything to her to deserve this. It's like she never cared or something.. I couldn't imagine doing that to someone.. Fuckin cold hearted bitch. If she doesn't call me tomorrow I'm not going to talk to her when she eventually does call me (because she will, someday, I know her too well, she always wants me back after she dumps me for some dumb ass reason)

I will tolerate a lot of things but I will not tolerate being ignored by people I care about.. Ignoring me is the quickest and easiest way to piss me off to no-end. I'm not a bad guy, I'm not stupid, I'm the most easy going, easy to talk to person I know; but God help anyone who pisses me off. God help them.

[DarkVampire]

Ya know I don't want to be with her anymore (maybe when she grows up) but I still want to be her friend and she's still completely ignoring me.. Called her twice today and left voicemails.. Nothing..

I just can't believe how she's treating me like this.. I didn't do anything to her to deserve this. It's like she never cared or something.. I couldn't imagine doing that to someone.. Fuckin cold hearted bitch. If she doesn't call me tomorrow I'm not going to talk to her when she eventually does call me (because she will, someday, I know her too well, she always wants me back after she dumps me for some dumb ass reason)

I will tolerate a lot of things but I will not tolerate being ignored by people I care about.. Ignoring me is the quickest and easiest way to piss me off to no-end. I'm not a bad guy, I'm not stupid, I'm the most easy going, easy to talk to person I know; but God help anyone who pisses me off. God help them.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

She's sending you a message right there. She doesn't want to be your friend but go your seperate ways and end it. If she wanted to be your friend she wouldn't act like this to you. You seem like a decent guy don't waste your friendship, love on someone who doesn't want it. All it will do is tear you up inside. Go to CC this Saturday and have fun. Meet some lucky gal who will appreciate you.

[Lilith]

Ya know I don't want to be with her anymore (maybe when she grows up) but I still want to be her friend and she's still completely ignoring me.. Called her twice today and left voicemails.. Nothing..

I just can't believe how she's treating me like this.. I didn't do anything to her to deserve this. It's like she never cared or something.. I couldn't imagine doing that to someone.. Fuckin cold hearted bitch. If she doesn't call me tomorrow I'm not going to talk to her when she eventually does call me (because she will, someday, I know her too well, she always wants me back after she dumps me for some dumb ass reason)

I will tolerate a lot of things but I will not tolerate being ignored by people I care about.. Ignoring me is the quickest and easiest way to piss me off to no-end. I'm not a bad guy, I'm not stupid, I'm the most easy going, easy to talk to person I know; but God help anyone who pisses me off. God help them.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Honey, you already know that she is doing things to hurt you, weather they be a sign signal or she is just doing her typical thing, it hurts you. The only way to end the pain wit her is to stand up for your self and say STOP.

STOP calling her, you are only causeing your self more pain when she does not call you back.

Stop thinking about her, get your self out n about and get asorbed in other healthier things you love. Get out and try to rekindle all those lost activities that you used to love that you have not done in a while. You might find that you happier doing those things (you might find a new friend to share those thing with too) with out her, then being with her and not doing those things.

Stop being her friend, she is not being a good friend to you, and ya know what sometiems even the best of friends need a small break from each other once i na while.

It is hard to start living life with out a person you care so much about, but once you take the first step and you find out of the blue or you look back at the day befor you fall asleep and you realize just how much fun you have had that day with out that person, the next day is allot brighter and easier.

Parents, no they never understand and they never seem to be there for you, and i dont agree how some react to there kids and allot of them do not show they care very well, but they do, they love you, they want you to be happy, They raised you, they have spent the past XX years being your parents, and deep down they do care. Also remebr as much as you are hurting i am sure it hurt them too, they may not show it but they do. Parents do hurt when there kids are hurt, hell it breaks my heart every time one of mine hav ea rpoblem with friends but i have to elt them figure out how to get throught it that is the only way they will grow and learn. Also remebr they have ( i assume) been along for the ride wit this girl, and well they probally see allot we dont and even you dont, and they might be doin a bit of tough love on ya as they see how much this girl hurts you and they too want it to end.

I may be way off on the parent thing, as i dont know you IRL or them, but from what i read here, it just seems this is a long hard road you have been on and well i am sure every one including you wants to get off it.

Get out n about and start having fun. That is above all else the very best thing to start doing, just throw yourself in to something else, books, art, music, school what ever it is throw yourself at it.

I wish i had a wand to make it all go away.

lilith

[Soulrev]

Yeah but the problem is I need closure.. I need to know what the fuck is going on so I don't sit and wonder all the time.. I can't just forget about it without some kind of closure or it's going to eat at me and I can not control it. But she keeps ignoring me.. I will find out soon whether she finally calls me or when Shaun (her brother, my best friend) finds out for me.

And you're *kinda* off on the parent thing as it is more of an iron curtain that I have raised between myself and them. At my own fault. And no it's not just a thing where they do care and they're just upset; my mom literally hates me and if it were up to her I wouldn't have anything from them, my dad is the one who still kinda cares but he's starting to hate me too so... It's of my own creation, I'm working on fixing it, it will be fixed, but for now I don't have parents.

But I never did anything to Kristina to deserve what she's doing to me. Oh well. Like I said all I need is some closure at this point because I can't handle wondering about what's going on.. Who knows. For all I know she could be pregnant (God I hope not, she shouldn't be, but I guess it can happen even with protection) and maybe she's deathly afraid to tell me. I don't know. That's what is eating at me.. Not knowing.

[torn asunder]

to be blunt, if you want closure, close it yourself. take charge of the situation, and don't allow yourself to be a victim. much better for you in the long run...