The mental disorders thread

[Scary Guy]

So, I was diagnosed with ASD in 1985 through Oakland Schools (before Asperger's came into popularity and then vanished again when the DSM-V killed it.) I figured out I had ADHD about 10? years back now, which that is self diagnosed but all of the signs are there.  I also just figured out I have mild DCD too in that other thread.  Keep in mind while there seems to be a bit of a correlation between them they are not necessarily mutually inclusive.

I've learned to live with them, mostly because I have no other choice.  I mean I do, but I don't like those choices so they effectively do not exist.

So, what issues do y'all got?

[et-novum]

Of diagnosed issues, I have none. I want to put that out there,

Undiagnosed issues, I have ADHD. It's just too likely at this point. It's kinda been a major stickler in my life lately. Too much of my personal turmoils can be traced back to shame or guilt or just bad effects from how I cope or fail to cope with it. It used to not affect me as much but now that I'm an adult on my own without structure my life has kinda just... gotten messy? My brain is always racing, I can't sit still, I'm not noticing *really* obvious things, and my executive dysfunction is off the charts. It's to the point where I feel like I've become stupider than I ever have been and like my brain literally has a hole in it. I'm basing my experience from personal anecdotes compared to symptom lists and also to conversations with other people with ADHD. As far as I can tell, it's either the inattentive type or the combined inattentive-hyperactive type - my symptoms align more with not focusing or hyperfocusing first and foremost though I'm realizing the anxiety and restlessness are probably more in line with the hyperactivity. But I have an assessment scheduled to get to the bottom of this (side note, I think my current hyperfixation is getting help for ADHD so that's a fun and useful alignment).

The ADHD is unhappily existing alongside (or causing?) anxiety and mild depression. Also there's some gender dysphoria but we don't need to get into that.

I also had midline development problems as a kid. I also thought it might be DCD, but I talked with my mom who confirmed it wasn't that. Midline development problems are essentially where a child has trouble crossing over the left/right midline when doing tasks. When I would write, I would switch hands and I had some hand dominance issues. Thankfully I don't think I have any major lingering issues, I just have poor handwriting and a little bit of a lack of body awareness.


I want to say that I've accepted my issues into my life - but I haven't. I really hate my symptoms and they're not me. I feel more like myself when I have coping mechanisms and I feel like i'm in control of my life. And this does happen, there are times when my dopamine and serotonin receptors are happy and I can live a fine life and I'm in the driver's seat. It's happened enough that I feel like I haven't needed to seek a diagnosis. But over the last year in general and the last month in particular it's gotten *really* bad.

[Scary Guy]

Maybe that acceptance takes time.  I've made my peace with it over the years.  Who knows, maybe one day they'll figure out a cure (though treating it is way more profitable.)

[et-novum]

On 7/19/2023 at 1:47 AM, Scary Guy said:

Who knows, maybe one day they'll figure out a cure

 

I don't know if a cure is the right thing. I love my brain. It's exciting to me to think in the nonlinear way that I do. I don't like how it affects my personal relationships. I don't like how society wasn't made for a brain like that. I don't like how I forget to do / can't do care tasks.

 

I'm optimistic that seeking treatment will let me preserve the parts I like and mitigate the things I don't.

[Scary Guy]

5 hours ago, et-novum said:

 

I don't know if a cure is the right thing. I love my brain. It's exciting to me to think in the nonlinear way that I do. I don't like how it affects my personal relationships. I don't like how society wasn't made for a brain like that. I don't like how I forget to do / can't do care tasks.

 

I'm optimistic that seeking treatment will let me preserve the parts I like and mitigate the things I don't.

Personally elimination > mitigation but it is what it is.  At least it's not so severe we aren't completely nonfunctional.

[WhiteLines]

Oooo yes, yes... this here is tha mu'fu¢x'n spot, the one that I've been looking for. This is the spot, I'm sure of it...

High, my name is WhiteLines WhiteTrash and I am brain sick. I have been brain sick ever since my brain grew inside my mother's womb. Speaking of, my mother has always had clinical depression, anxiety and such things. My father suffered Vietnam War style PTSD and was also diagnosed as both a psychopath and a sociopath (which we did not discover until after his death... funny story for another time)

But what issue do I got? I'll tell ya just what I got, I got a marriage to an undiagnosed, untreated , unaware wife with fu¢¢in' Borderline Personality Disorder aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I'm no professional but I've searched for the answers many many years and was committed fully to thoroughly educate myself in this area and I would stake my own life on my unofficial diagnosis being 100% correct. If you are familiar with the pathology of BPD or take a look into what it is and what it does then you should be able to start seeing the picture here. The picture is of me in a straightjacket inside of a white padded cell.  Essentially I voluntarily subjected myself to years and years of very impressive psychological torture and abuse (which is the damnedest thing, cuz that ain't even sound like me, damn I don't take shit from no one so I'm absolutely mystified when I taking one last look at the damage, like wtf would I do that for lol idk) A big feature of BPD is that their emotions are facts to them, they can't use logic at all so the facts about what's going on don't matter, it's about what they feel is going on, that's what's factual to them. Also that they cannot perceive any manner of grey area. To them everything is black and white thinking, all good or all bad. They "split" people to seeing them as being all bad or all good depending on their emotions at the time, if it is "all bad" they see you as at a given time, then they think it has always been that way, bad, all ba d, and can't remember and single good thing that you have ever done ever, and vice versa, if they're having a good day then everything's always been good. Currently I've been watching the patterns and watching subtle changes that lead me to believe my wife has begun to "split me to all black" meaning I'm the devil and I am also guilty of hundreds of absurd awful things that I've actually never done in my life. BPD's have huge fear of abandonment and rejection and often sabotage relationships to cause the relationships to end before they suffer from the recjection they imagine is going to happen. Which is sadly ironic... out of paranoia for something that has no chance of happening they destroy the thing that they want/need the most, because in their mind they are so sure it is going to happen. Idfk I couldn't summarize all the nuances and ruthlessly toxic traits of this shit if I had a thousand pages to write it on. All I know is I thought there was hope when I went back from Michigan last year (that's why y'all ain't hear from me no more after that, things were going well, looked like it was taking an upturn... The bam! Episodes 100 times more severe than any that came before, continuing into this year including even a week long full blown psychosis in April. Ruminating on it all I know the pathology of this is for the bad stuff to continuously go from bad to worse, and I cannot muster the level of denial it takes to go back to thinking it's gonna get better one day. It's not. Now I have a walking apocalypse that I need to decide on a strategy for dealing with that will cause the least amount of destructive fallout upon my children. Or something like that I don't even fu¢¢in' know anymore this could all just be a goddamn hologram for all I know...

[Scary Guy]

5 minutes ago, WhiteLines said:

A literal wall of text.

 

I hear ya.  One of my best friends whom I've known for about 20 years now is married to someone very similar and he just suffers every day (some worse than others) for his kid.

All you can do is gather evidence for the impending divorce.  But the main problem is we get ourselves into situations because we fool ourselves into thinking we love them and that there is reciprocation there.  Sure maybe at one time in history there was, but that's exactly what it is is history.  Better days in the past, and you can work on trying to make the future better but if someone gets in a mode of thinking it can be really hard to get them out of it.  She's decided she wants to be miserable and so she is.  The real question is what would make life suck less for her?  The answer is probably medication and therapy.

 

I was in love with a narcissistic sociopathological liar and it took me way too long to see that for what it was.  But any relationship is like a machine, and it must be maintained or else it will break down.  It could just randomly breakdown anyway throwing a fucking rod or something and all you can do is hope it doesn't take you out with it.

Life as always is not easy, not fair, and very complicated.  If you're lucky you can find a way to cheat the system to make it suck slightly less though.  We're not exactly meant to be happy but that doesn't mean we have to be miserable either (unless the brain's chemistry deems it so.)

I hope things get better for you all one way or another.

[WhiteLines]

29 minutes ago, Scary Guy said:

 

A figurative knee-wall of letters and words.

Yes after some sporadic and severe episodes thru the winter and a less than favorable year so far, plus various little things that I've been watching slowly evolve over the past few months, blah, blah blah, I am certain that rigor mortis has set in on this muthafu¢¢a' I did  absolutely all I could do for many years. I have always held it down, I've been faithful to my wife from the start like a monogamy militant. My wife has always been true to me as well, the only faithful woman I've been with (that used to be important enough to me to overlook much of her behavior actually... which sound actually stupid now) But I believe I've surely gone above and beyond to often at this point, even going against my own instincts and core values at times just to maintain some kinda peace, looking back now no idea why.  Fortunately most of the time I was on the road working far from home all these years, unfortunately at that time tho my children have been left with an unstable erratic barely functioning walking cluserfu¢¢ as their main caregiver and now I have fucked up neglected psychologically abused children who have already had the foundation laid to continue the generational trauma. When I conceded my hardline stance about no having kids ever and had Lilith, I shifted my goal from "preventing the existence of another generation of Whites" to the goal of "making sure the generational abuse ended and was not passed to them" and I just stood by and let that goal get drug under the wheels and mutilated all over the highway. Trying to maintain this for the sake of my kids no longer seems remotely viable since she took my house and destroyed it into a place not fit for human habitation that we can't even allow people inside of in order to maintain the "dirty" little (big) secret *all puns intended* I don't think further attempts to provide life support to this relationship will benefit my kids in any way, actually I think this relationship should have had a goddamn Do Not Resuscitate order signed and on file from the very beginning. My biggest conundrum now is what immediate next move and course of action to take that will be the least damaging for them, because all roads lead to damage now. All can be done is to attempt to mitigate the negative fallout as much as possible and hope for a long term strategy that isn't an absolute shit show. 

The sleeper has awakened! 

 

...and now that my eyes are opened... I wish that I could cut them out of my face and burn them, but then I would just be blind again.

 

Well Scary, we got that other wall of text framed out and stood up now, let's go ahead and get the drywallers in here to do the finishing so we can get to installing the padding in this here room.

[Scary Guy]

5 hours ago, WhiteLines said:

Gonads and strife

Love is a mental disorder, especially if it is unrequited.

There is this thing called The Triangular Theory of Love which states that for true love you need all the sides to be complete.  I could explain it more but then why would I bother to link it just go read it damnit.  Anyway figure out which sides still exist at all and work on those, then work on rebuilding the others if possible.

The funny thing about love is I don't think it ever truly goes away, unless they never loved you to begin with.  True love never completely dies IMO, but it can be mostly dead.

 

Also slightly off topic, but are you related to any of these folks?

[WhiteLines]

40 minutes ago, Scary Guy said:

Love is a mental disorder, especially if it is unrequited.

There is this thing called The Triangular Theory of Love which states that for true love you need all the sides to be complete.  I could explain it more but then why would I bother to link it just go read it damnit.  Anyway figure out which sides still exist at all and work on those, then work on rebuilding the others if possible.

The funny thing about love is I don't think it ever truly goes away, unless they never loved you to begin with.  True love never completely dies IMO, but it can be mostly dead.

 

Also slightly off topic, but are you related to any of these folks?

Those folks? Hahaha. That shit is great! The lineage of my White's is poorly documented which was common for rural poverty level toxic backwoods families especially past the 1900's but my efforts a few years back turnt up that they originated in that exact region of west Virginia around the Civil War era so it's very much possible on some distant level and I always thought that was probably the case cause just comparing them, it makes a lot of sense lol. I know there's a full blooded Cherokee a few generations back too, those kinds of things were often not documented at all. Hell most poor backwoods mountain outlaws couldn't even read or write all the way up into the 1980s for shits sake. Now I've stayed up all night and have to go to work in 10 minutes then pack and drive to WV/OH later lmfao. I'll resurface on here sometime later once the dust settles.

[Queen of Foxes]

It's a long story. I was born with  undiagnosed (high functioning) autism up until October 22. My current step dad (brave man, he is very good to my mother, she is... Well...) and my boyfriend help me see and also seen how the way I grew up was really messed up. It started with my mom not having a good relationship with her mother. And also father later on, but honestly I think she did something, she is good at that. But anyways, she married my brother's father. I have two Half brothers. I'm the bastard child. She would lock us up in the attic when he came home drunk. He was very emotionally, physically, sexually abusive with my mother. It was a three story house so we were high up there and safe. Eventually she took me to a safe house towards the end. Then she moved my middle brother and I down to Colon. Where my Hell started. 

 

Basically I had a personality and look picked out by my parents. My mom was super controlling as her Complex PTSD worsened and she chased religion, Christianity out of all of them, and went nuts. As I began sprouting my own flowers and wings, things started going nuts. She'd burn my black clothes, my first step dad, the one on my birth certificate, the abusive one, said he'd want nothing to do with me while I wear black. I didn't know a lot about my mom and his marriage at that point, so I didn't know how screwed up it used to be. So I was crushed constantly by him. My Olde t brother would tell me to figure stuff out myself and watch me struggle with autism. He was my favorite brother. I wanted to be as intelligent and we'll dressed as him. And he worked hard and was funny. But, he disliked be because I was the bastard child. He loved making me lose and watching me struggle. I know, it's messed up now. I stopped trying to impress my family awhile ago. 

 

Anyways, my middle brother, he took after his father. Meth, alcohol, sexually, mentally, and physically abusive. He also... Did.. Touch me as a child. My mom tries to tell me he was a kid and was curious and it meant nothing. But before my birthday this year, she called me, in front of Roger so he heard her, and started screaming, literally "How did he touch, you what did he do??!!!" kind of stuff. I was almost throwing up with a trauma state and yeah. Told her... And yeah... 

 

Anyways, he isn't a good man. We do not allow my family in our life. 

 

So he'd always be little be when we were alone. And he even did it to Roger too, so Roger witnessed that as well. 

 

As I grew up, my mom got into the Schools, working bus routes, trips, and lunch help. Everyone knew her, especially since she did church jumping for awhile. It's a small town. Very... Very small town. Everyone is related to everyone and everyone knows everyone. 

 

So... I went through a lot of bullying at home, and when I was out, people would tell my mom how cruel she was for how skinny of a kid I was. And a lot of skinny bashing too in school... All throughout it. A lot of kids avoided me because of my undiagnosed autism making me weird and, yeah.... Just trying too hard because either it was fine one moment, or my mom and brothers were screaming at me over nothing and making my personality trait into a joke and... 

 

I'm breathing... 

 

I grew up hiding online, I was sheltered in real life, I even was playing as an adult when I was underage so I could avoid my generation and go to one that is more based around learning and Art. So I met the goth and Geek community in my online travels. I Real life, if mom heard any rumor about anyone, I wasn't allowed to hangout with that family... So I didn't have many people.. Well, I had no one.. 

 

Eventually as I grew into a young woman, everyone knew my mom. She cared so much about her and our image that it was constant walking on eggshells. If I was not preppy, country, girly, and if my autism, depression, undiagnosed bipolar that started developing in my teenage years, or anxiety, she'd tell me how she wish she left me at home and how much of a miserable kid I am and not look at me and be really short and angry.... So I just wanted to sleep constantly. And online, I got to play different personalities and fell in love with online RP. Did tons of that back in the day. It was a release. 

 

Later on I discovered I wanted to do one thing in my life great. And that was get into Vogue. Badly. Like, badly badly. I did tons of manifesting magic and other sorts of spells. But every study I came across, said the magic is in doing. So I did. 

 

Modeling was a release at age 12+. And I seeing the fantasy/Metal magazines, goth music and videos and books, I lost it and balled my eyes out for a solid minute that there were people who liked the darker fantasy stuff like me, and I learned a lot that aided me in me becoming me today from diving into these communities online. But...

 

 

No matter how much I liked modeling and creating art with clothes and makeup, I wanted the dirt, earth, water, fire, the wind, the sky, the shallows, everything... But human... I always returned to my feral self. 

 

Majority of my life amongst the constant bullying, and not really having connections with friends, If I wasn't in school or church, I was in the yard, pine trees, lilacs, all the gardens my mom planeted, the corn fields never ending, and the woods... The woods that guided me since I was a a toddler. Nature has spoken to me and I honestly only can hear nature. Humans are so frickin confusing. Temperamental, destruction, ignorance. 

 

Also, since my mom knew about everyone in town, she had it spread fast about how bad of a kid I was, even though, at home.. If I said I didn't believe in God, she'd hit me in the face with a Bible, break my finger, drag me down the metal spiral staircase by my hair, spit in my face, eyes twitching and red... I had to believe in God. As I stood up and said no, she'd then kick me out, and I'd try to find a safe place to sleep, but she'd call the police on me, saying I ran away. Eventually she convinced the police I was hitting her, which they granted her permission to beat me if I "hit her"... So it got worse... 

 

As I was going through my teen years, I was desperate for real friendship.. I didn't know or even thought of sex... Until... Two young men in my town.... Yeah... I started seeking sex so I would be accepted since that is all anyone ever wanted from me... 

 

So everyone had this false image of me and, it was hell. 

 

I went through over seven suicide attempts, trying to end it since no one was kind, wanted to give real friendship, or... Just see me.. 

 

My parents said they prayed the sicknesses away on me, so my bipolar and autism was gone, and they wouldn't accept anyone telling them, not even me, that there is something wrong. 

 

So I went through teenage and young adult years undiagnosed with a lot. Seeing shadows and figures staring at me. "insect" like shadows falling on me when my bipolar depression paralyzed me for hours, days, weeks, and even years near the end before I was able to find a legit mental health place. 

 

I went to two different states and different areas seeking the right kind of help. I was even told by a doctor, I was just being a woman and would grow out of it... Yes I left a Google review... 

 

Eventually amongst attracting very abusive friends and boyfriend's, I gave up and yeah... Eventually I met Roger, he knew exactly what I was suffering from and brought me to Grand Rapids. I had a very different image of myself then. Eventually after trying to get into a one Massive Mental Health business that is all over up here, I was finally able to get in. After a few years and even many, long test. I finally came out as, Bipolar Disorder 2, which causes depression, anxiety, and psychosis in me. And (I hate using this but, asperger's as they refered to it to before finding out it was Nazi related). And tons of C-Ptsd and other ptsd which I'm currently working through. 

 

The six years I've been with Roger, I've learned how to socialize better, I kicked many out of my life and shortened my circle. Got published in Gothesque, Harper's Bizarre, and Mayfair... Also yes. Vogue UK. 

 

Out if my traumatic experiences, I found out I could do growl and scream vocals. And so, my metal years began. I accidentally ran into a small studio. Nice family. And he asked me to do a few cover songs in death metal for him (Sweet Dreams and Pet Semetery), then through Roger's friends, a black metal band came to me and asked to do a little few originals for them. 

 

I also met Bunny and did opera vocals on their goth album.

 

Then after reaching Vogue, I realized, I a huge part of me has ended. I reached the one goal I wanted. To be published in Vogue once. The one magazine I adore. I got to use my art and have it in the magazine. And even kept myself goth looking, so I remained true to myself. 

 

Then I fell into a huge depression even farther... I had no new goals... 

 

So I continued working on my mental health state and self.. 

 

Then I reconnected with, me.. The real me... The one that I lost after all the sexual abuse and other crap... She returned to me. I could feel life again like I used to. I fell I love with the life Roger and I have been building, and I fell in love with the life and person I am. And my many friends through the years were right.. Almost all As in college. Vogue Worthy, Metal Screaming, Green Thumb, amazing Baker and chef, and even, an amazing artist who is on the way to the top. 

 

I'm happy. I have overcome a lot. My step dad let me know how messed up my entire family and situation is... Even Roger, Roger never let's me forget now how messed up everyone was, but how I freed myself and gave myself even better. 

 

And I am working on being able to pay for all the health cost, travel and work from anywhere, and have an amazing man and dog. 

 

My father come to find out has been lying to me for years. He was just saying stuff, lying to me, he didn't actually see or hear me at all... 

 

I want to be left alone... I have woman constantly attacking me, men belittling me, I have gained a huge fear of humans and I never leave Roger's side anymore, if I do, it's for the a very good reason... 

 

But again, I'm working on that... I'm also recording every harassment I receive now, I removed social media mostly, other than here, and I only use the internet to laugh or learn. 

 

I also am very concious of how I talk so I don't set myself up for failure. 

 

There still is a lot, but, I have good, amazing people behind me, telling me every day through call or text how proud the are of me... And they actually see and hear me... 

 

After learning I was autistic, a lot has fell into place, I accept a lot, life has became even better; falling into place, and I'm just... Happy alone, with my man, and my little family, covering myself in nature and Art. This is all I ever wanted. And he likes all sorts of food so he's always letting me buy many styles of food to cook so I can just be me and do what I love. 

 

Idk what tomorrow or the future holds, but I'm, excited. Bad is bound to happen, but, I think, that's okay, because I've always been above water. 

 

Sometimes I get messages letting me know someone has stolen my images again so I have to reactivate my accounts and get the fake removed. But mostly, I don't care anymore. If someone is using my photos, let them. My friends know the real me, and I am in my own little world now. 31, happy, and learning how to fly. Just smile when no one is looking. It helps a lot. 

 

I am also now working on a cookbook to publish someday. I am working hard on making my own recipes. My career, that is for me and only me. And it rocks. 

Edited July 31, 2023 by Nyxiin

[know_buddy_kares]

2 hours ago, Nyxiin said:

Using sex to gain acceptance

Hard relate

2 hours ago, Nyxiin said:

Shit bag family members in general

Another hard relate.

 

Not trying to mince your words with the quotes, my thumb slipped and I can't get the quote boxes gone. Serves me right for getting the cheapest upgrade I guess.

 

But I've kept getting renewed subscriptions with PTSD whether I like it or not. I'm sure it's CPTSD. I'll summarize as I can't be as brave and open as you..

A dad who abandoned me, a shitty abusive fucker of a stepdad, 5 years Marines, 3 Years army, 3 shitty deployments between the two of them. Shitty partners, going homeless, wife suicide. The end result is me not wanting to get any closer than a computer/phone screen with anyone.

 

And every step of the way, wether people could see it or not, I was trying to heal myself. I still have some moments where I go wrong off the get right, but it's in real life where I can't just set the phone down. But I do have a good strong solid group of friends who been backing me up for a long long time now also.

 

I just hope you can continue to grow and heal, but holy fucking shit I have to give you respect for belting out everything here. That's far braver than what I am willing to do.

 

 

[phee]

I have had anxiety disorder with a side of depression for my whole life. 

 

I am not going to go into much about it... I feel most of what I would say would be kind of redundant .

[Scary Guy]

11 hours ago, Nyxiin said:

a short novel

Wow, I read all of that and while it's sadly not the worst I've ever heard it's pretty bad.  I'm glad you've survived and gotten out of it.

As far as the Asperger's thing goes, that was actually a good thing at the time.  There was unfortunately saving the kids with severe Autism, but those that could possibly function could at least be seen as being useful.  This spared them and they at least got to live.  But there is a lot of debate over whether or not he was actually a Nazi in spirit or just in name.  https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/01/20/463603652/was-dr-asperger-a-nazi-the-question-still-haunts-autism  As I recently said in another thread, the evil that people do does not negate the good that they have done, and vice versa.  (Also I don't really think good and evil exist other than as a vehicle to describe the behaviors we find socially acceptable or abhorrent.)

 

8 hours ago, know_buddy_kares said:

Hard relate

Another hard relate.

 

Not trying to mince your words with the quotes, my thumb slipped and I can't get the quote boxes gone. Serves me right for getting the cheapest upgrade I guess.

 

But I've kept getting renewed subscriptions with PTSD whether I like it or not. I'm sure it's CPTSD. I'll summarize as I can't be as brave and open as you..

A dad who abandoned me, a shitty abusive fucker of a stepdad, 5 years Marines, 3 Years army, 3 shitty deployments between the two of them. Shitty partners, going homeless, wife suicide. The end result is me not wanting to get any closer than a computer/phone screen with anyone.

 

And every step of the way, wether people could see it or not, I was trying to heal myself. I still have some moments where I go wrong off the get right, but it's in real life where I can't just set the phone down. But I do have a good strong solid group of friends who been backing me up for a long long time now also.

 

I just hope you can continue to grow and heal, but holy fucking shit I have to give you respect for belting out everything here. That's far braver than what I am willing to do.

 

If you are having phone issues I'd be happy to take a look if you're in the Detroit area.  I used to work at a MetroPCS and am generally known as a guru for all things tech (except for Apple because they are horrible.)

 

6 hours ago, phee said:

I have had anxiety disorder with a side of depression for my whole life. 

 

I am not going to go into much about it... I feel most of what I would say would be kind of redundant .

 

If you ever want to go into it this is the thread for it.  If you don't want to dump all your everything into a public online forum you're welcome to talk to me about it in person (not that I am a therapist or anything, but I find that talking to friends does make for the best therapy.)

 

Finally I'll tell about something that happened to me recently.  I went to the Michigan Atheists meeting and there was a girl there who clearly had moderate Autism.  She started bawling during the Q&A with the speaker because she was happy to be there, but sad about her parents lying to her for the majority of her life.  I signed up for my membership that day and was given the option of a free book that I didn't want.  Then I changed my mind, grabbed "God is Not Great" by Christopher Hitchens (one of my favorite authors) and promptly gave it to her.  Then talked with her a little bit and tried to help her through some things.  I keep thinking I should try to get into becoming a therapist but also that I'm also too screwed up to do so.

[Queen of Foxes]

6 hours ago, Scary Guy said:

Wow, I read all of that and while it's sadly not the worst I've ever heard it's pretty bad.  I'm glad you've survived and gotten out of it.

As far as the Asperger's thing goes, that was actually a good thing at the time.  There was unfortunately saving the kids with severe Autism, but those that could possibly function could at least be seen as being useful.  This spared them and they at least got to live.  But there is a lot of debate over whether or not he was actually a Nazi in spirit or just in name.  https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/01/20/463603652/was-dr-asperger-a-nazi-the-question-still-haunts-autism  As I recently said in another thread, the evil that people do does not negate the good that they have done, and vice versa.  (Also I don't really think good and evil exist other than as a vehicle to describe the behaviors we find socially acceptable or abhorrent.)

 

I am not upset or sad about my Past. Diamonds are made under pressure. Shit happens. I don't feel bad for me at all. I am incredibly proud of myself. My past doesn't make me. My future dictates me

Yeah it's hard to really tell with some historical things, because they're dead and we didn't have enough evidence, BUT, yeah. 

not going to make it into a big thing. 

 

I just use that term for, neurotypical people. I just say ASD a lot. It doesn't matter if I am high or low. It doesn't matter at all. I love how it made me different. 
 

Bleh. I,.. am struggling with words though on what to say. I am trying. Using positive, relative, and also...idk...back to my meeting. People are back.

[Scary Guy]

1 hour ago, gwen said:

sounds a lot like mine.

NC hill billies whos family tree doesnt fork which greatly increases herdeitary disorders

They don't do it dogystyle or reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family!

(Also both of those are the same thing in space.)

 

 

1 hour ago, Nyxiin said:

I am not upset or sad about my Past. Diamonds are made under pressure. Shit happens. I don't feel bad for me at all. I am incredibly proud of myself. My past doesn't make me. My future dictates me

Yeah it's hard to really tell with some historical things, because they're dead and we didn't have enough evidence, BUT, yeah. 

not going to make it into a big thing. 

 

I just use that term for, neurotypical people. I just say ASD a lot. It doesn't matter if I am high or low. It doesn't matter at all. I love how it made me different. 
 

Bleh. I,.. am struggling with words though on what to say. I am trying. Using positive, relative, and also...idk...back to my meeting. People are back.

 

See, there is this whole nature vs nurture argument that people seem to have.  I always say it's a bit of both.  Our pasts shape and define us and you say it doesn't matter, and yet you have anxiety and other issues that I'm sure stem from some of that.  As they say: "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it."

Still I like your diamond stance.  It's a good attitude to have as we cannot change the past, only move on from it one day at a time.

What do you mean you use that term for NTs?  Asperger's?  Don't hate on the NTs I've had this argument on another forum.  They're just people too and not all of them are bad.  I have a lot of friends and I even count some NTs among them.  It's finding people of quality that's the hard part.  On a long enough timeline everyone will let you down in some way.  It's just on you whether you want to forgive those transgressions depending on the size of them.  Sometimes it's just a misunderstanding and there was no ill intent meant either.  Though as people on the spectrum that can be often hard to judge too.

 

Good luck with that meeting though.  At least we had you for a bit.

Edited August 1, 2023 by Scary Guy

[Queen of Foxes]

I'm... Autistic... I don't communicate my full views. Only parts. It's why so many people misunderstand me. It's, hard for me to communicate how I feel in full. It's why I'm afraid of people. So many are ready to strike, and they don't even double check before they do... And yeah. I apologize a head of time if I disappear. Socializing is incredibly difficult and causes me a lot of stress that triggers ptsd and anxiety and some days I can't even get through a day without constant flashes of people screaming at me. Its gotten to the point where my psychosis gets a hold of it and made up scenarios start going through my head and it crushes me. So, take what I say lightly. If you are unsure of something, please ask. I will do my best to help communicate to help you understand my feels. 

[Scary Guy]

1 hour ago, Queen of Foxes said:

I'm... Autistic... I don't communicate my full views. Only parts. It's why so many people misunderstand me. It's, hard for me to communicate how I feel in full. It's why I'm afraid of people. So many are ready to strike, and they don't even double check before they do... And yeah. I apologize a head of time if I disappear. Socializing is incredibly difficult and causes me a lot of stress that triggers ptsd and anxiety and some days I can't even get through a day without constant flashes of people screaming at me. Its gotten to the point where my psychosis gets a hold of it and made up scenarios start going through my head and it crushes me. So, take what I say lightly. If you are unsure of something, please ask. I will do my best to help communicate to help you understand my feels. 

 

Oh no, I completely get that.  Sometimes I don't completely communicate my ideas either.  I have to remember that not everyone has the knowledge / insight I have or knows what I mean when I'm talking about something.

 

As one example I hate extra anything on my cheeseburger.  Apparently the almost universal wait-staff shop-talk for this is "no setup" meaning nothing added, not even on the side.  However it's not completely universal so I have to make sure they get what that means or I have things I hate touching part of the food I wish to eat.  I'm sure there are others, but this is the most convenient and I literally did this yesterday at The Ram's Horn eating with my friend Joe.

Anyway you do whatever you need to do, if you want to disappear just try to let us know first.  The DM system works pretty well too if you just want to keep in touch with a few friends on here.  Or better yet just get numbers and text people directly, or get them on whatever avenue of communication you prefer.

 

I like to think of this place as low stress.  I think that's how Troy tried to gear it anyway since he also had PTSD and didn't really like any fighting or drama on here.  Though the problem with any community is there will always be some level of that.  Also the more people there are, the more chances exist for that to happen.

Still we need a social outlet and some friends as we are social creatures.  Isolation brings on insanity and that's why solitary confinement is considered torture in jail/prison.  I'm reminded of an old friend of mine's neighbor.  She apparently was 80, had no one, and never left her house because she was deathly afraid of the world.  I wouldn't wish that on most people because that's kind of a sad way to go.

[Bean2.0]

CPTSD from sexual, physical, emotional abuse on a regular basis from age 7-10, then periodically from 10-18. I moved out of my parent's house at 18, ended up in a few abusive relationships. My ex husband attempted to murder me.

Depression and social anxiety since I was a teenager. I finally got help in my late 20's which was when I was diagnosed. I've done a lot of therapy over the years.

 

[Queen of Foxes]

1 hour ago, Scary Guy said:

 

Oh no, I completely get that.  Sometimes I don't completely communicate my ideas either.  I have to remember that not everyone has the knowledge / insight I have or knows what I mean when I'm talking about something.

 

As one example I hate extra anything on my cheeseburger.  Apparently the almost universal wait-staff shop-talk for this is "no setup" meaning nothing added, not even on the side.  However it's not completely universal so I have to make sure they get what that means or I have things I hate touching part of the food I wish to eat.  I'm sure there are others, but this is the most convenient and I literally did this yesterday at The Ram's Horn eating with my friend Joe.

Anyway you do whatever you need to do, if you want to disappear just try to let us know first.  The DM system works pretty well too if you just want to keep in touch with a few friends on here.  Or better yet just get numbers and text people directly, or get them on whatever avenue of communication you prefer.

 

I like to think of this place as low stress.  I think that's how Troy tried to gear it anyway since he also had PTSD and didn't really like any fighting or drama on here.  Though the problem with any community is there will always be some level of that.  Also the more people there are, the more chances exist for that to happen.

Still we need a social outlet and some friends as we are social creatures.  Isolation brings on insanity and that's why solitary confinement is considered torture in jail/prison.  I'm reminded of an old friend of mine's neighbor.  She apparently was 80, had no one, and never left her house because she was deathly afraid of the world.  I wouldn't wish that on most people because that's kind of a sad way to go.

I appreciate it. I happily hit block anyways. So if someone's mind chemicals don't mix well with mine, I'll silence the whole matter and disappear from them. I worked hard to get my life where it's at now. I need to maintain it's peace and keep it that way. And Raev and Scott are good friends of mine that I love (and their families). I heard it was alive again on here, and I just quit social media for networking purposes finally after years. So I just want to, come and go. I have a very busy month a head of me. Yay...... 

 

I want to live in real life. The internet is just a sprits of, hell.... A zesty hell, but a mix of hells.

Edited August 1, 2023 by Queen of Foxes

[Scary Guy]

9 hours ago, Queen of Foxes said:

I appreciate it. I happily hit block anyways. So if someone's mind chemicals don't mix well with mine, I'll silence the whole matter and disappear from them. I worked hard to get my life where it's at now. I need to maintain it's peace and keep it that way. And Raev and Scott are good friends of mine that I love (and their families). I heard it was alive again on here, and I just quit social media for networking purposes finally after years. So I just want to, come and go. I have a very busy month a head of me. Yay...... 

 

I want to live in real life. The internet is just a sprits of, hell.... A zesty hell, but a mix of hells.

I still can't find a block option, not that I'd use it anyway because then i feel like I'd be missing out on parts of conversations.

Online is just a tool, it can be as good or as bad as you make it.  It's much easier when you control things though (self hosted) but that also requires much more work as well.

[oXMiahGraceXo]

7 hours ago, Scary Guy said:

I still can't find a block option, not that I'd use it anyway because then i feel like I'd be missing out on parts of conversations.
 

The block button on this site is basically useless.

You still see their icon, you still see them pop up on the bulletin (it just says like "You've chosen not to see this person's content".

You still see it when they check your profile. If anything it makes it worse becuase then you see the post and you remember that you have them blocked, and then you remember WHY you have them blocked and get pissed all over again XD 

[Slogo]

ADD, Bipolar II, depression, anxiety

[NocteSpiritus]

Undiagnosed ... ADHD and anxiety. 

 

Diagnoised ... depression. 

[Scary Guy]

6 minutes ago, gwen said:

and I am not so sure letting high school football players suffer this is a good thing.

 

It's really not and I think sports are dumb to begin with, but hockey and especially American football are two of the worst.  At least they let them wear helmets now.