My friend Rob's mom...

[Soulrev]

So as some of you may already know, I live with my friend Rob, his mom and his little brother. And Rob's girlfriend's cousin Heather lives here as well..

Rob's little brother is 10

Rob's mom is an alcoholic, a typical irresponsible alcoholic.

She works at a factory making enough money to barely live on. She smokes 2 packs of cigs a day and drinks a 24 case of Miller High Life (nastiest beer ever) every 4 days on average. She has no driver's license because she got a D.U.I. when she left the bar one Friday night a few months ago and has to be driven around because of it. I usually have to drive her to a town 25 minutes away for her probation meetings and her fuckin classes she has to take every Monday for the next 2 weeks (she just started 2 weeks ago, it's 4 classes total and they last 2 hours each)

She bitches and complains because she has no money. Gee, I wonder how much money she'd have if she simply quit drinking and cut her smoking down to 1 pack a day? I'm not sure how much a case of beer costs because I don't drink beer (I like liquor) but I'm sure she spends a lot of money on beer and cigs.

She comes home from work and doesn't do a damn thing.. She might do dishes once a week and she waters her garden... That's it. Other than that, she cracks open a beer and sits in front of the TV all night after work.. She wants US to mow her lawn for her and do all the housework because she thinks she doesn't have to just because she works a whole 8 hour shift monday through Friday.

Rob is 19, has a good job and pays his own bills and his own portion of the rent. His little brother is only 10 and has nothing.. He only has a computer because Rob paid for and built him one. All his clothes are hand-me-downs and he doesn't even have a good, responsible mother to look up to. Me and Rob are like his parents because we are the ones that look after him (his name is Sandro by the way). We are the ones who discipline him (because his mom won't even do that), we are basically the ones raising him. I do love him as if he were my own little brother, too.

But Rob and I can't be responsible for a child. This is all BS.

Oh and like yesterday Rob's mom told me to mow the lawn I asked her why she couldn't do it and she got all huffed up and was saying she works and blah blah blah she shouldn't have to, blah blah blah.. I told her I mowed the entire lawn last time (and I did) and that it's someone else's turn and she just got pissy so I left.

Me and Rob have been talking about this situation for the past week or two.. For example Rob told his mom no more beer in this house, or any alcohol for that matter starting Monday.. It's Saturday, and she is still drinking. She was hammered last night. It's so fucking disgusting, too.. Oh and not to mention you could smell the fuckin beer on her breath from 10 feet away.

I'm thinking about moving home with my sane parents this weekend, but I don't want to leave for the sake of Sandro..

What should I do?? Damn I never expected to have to take care of a child at 20 years old...

[Brenda Starrr]

Wow, Brian. That's a lot for the two of you to deal with. I wonder, with Rob being 19, can he go to Social Services with this issue and request to be Sandro's legal guardian? Can he afford to move into a place of his own with Sandro? I'm not sure what would he would be able to do (or what he wouldn't) on a legal or personal standpoint. Beanwater might be a good one to ask, though.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm also impressed that you step up and help, despite the fact that Sandro isn't related to you. Good luck, Brian.

[Soulrev]

Friends are family with me, Brenda. Rob, Shaun, Sandro, they're my brothers as far as I see it. We are all very close friends and I don't see anything coming in-between us.

Rob can't take care of Sandro because he's going to Purdue soon so he is going to be working and going to school. Hell, I would even do it, but I have nothing to offer a child except discipline and wisdom and to actually be there for him and spend time with him. Other than that I couldn't support him. Besides I am joining the army.

We have actually thought about calling social services just to have them take away Sandro and put him in a home where he will learn structure, discipline, and be provided for properly.. But taking a child away from his mother can be a touchy subject, and we don't know for sure if that's what we should do. Also there is no father to turn to, either. That is just out of the question.

I really don't care about Rob's mom because the only way an alcoholic is going to change is if they change themselves, I learned that from seeing my uncle go from having a great life, to becoming a complete loser alcoholic, to finally straightening his shit out and staying alcohol free for 2 years and holding a good job.

All I care about is Sandro's future. I don't want to see him turn out as a bad person like my friend Joey who had no structure or discipline when we were kids and is now spending 20 years in a federal slam....

[Brenda Starrr]

Then perhaps you and Rob need to go to Social Services. Maybe Sandro needs to be taken away from his mother. That woman appears to be a mere birth giver, not a parent. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, Brian. But, in my heart of hearts, that is what I would do. For Sandro's sake.

[Soulrev]

Yeah we have to do something.. Obiously we can't get her to stop drinking and blowing all of her money.. Honestly if we all moved out she wouldn't even be able to pay her bills. Not to mention the hundreds of dollars she has had to pay to the government for her dumb ass DUI. God I hate feeling smarter and more responsible than a 39 year old.. It's time for her to start acting her age and be responsible..

And ya know, my parents come home from work every day and still do BS housework that has to be done. They work harder than she does, and they still mow their own lawn and do their own housework.. What makes her so special? I'm so disgusted with this woman.

[Brenda Starrr]

Then do something! Sit down with Rob and figure it out. For Sandro's sake.

[ManicQueen]

Is there any other family member around that would be willing to take him? Purhaps the father? I would definitily seek family, responsible family members, before going to SS. I've seen kids end up in places worse than where they started.

You have a great heart.. seriously. Most people would turn their cheek and pretend nothing is happening and let the abuse continue.

[Soulrev]

As I said there is no father to turn to. He's just as bad..

There's no other family members to turn to, either.. Rob's mom is a Polish immigrant, there's nobody else here for him.

[Soulrev]

And to add, thank you for the compliments. But I'm going to be modest and say that it's not even an issue for me. I hold my friends, relationships, and family very, very close to me. Their problems are my problems, that's just the way I am. I am always here for them and they are always here for me. And nobody messes with any of them without having to deal with me.

I am kind of like the protector. I know I am mentally and physically powerful and use it in a good way.

[Ginevra]

Not to take the mother's side but as most people know, I do play the devil's advocate a lot of times.

Is there a reason that the mother feels that she has to drink all the time? Is her job very stressful? Is she a supervisor? Where are the boys' father in all this? If he's not there, under what circumstances did he leave?

Sometimes a person can't help what they're doing or they feel they have no other alternative. Sometimes, people have been in that downward spiral for so very very long that they don't know HOW to get out again. It's like saying, well, I'll try horse just once and then never again but then I can say that I've done it; no sweat. And things just spiral out of control. I saw the results of such a situation with my birth mother who has passed on and in myself (not with drugs but similar circumstances that I won't go into here.

Perhaps the first step IS to take Sandro away from her but through official channels. Rob can't take care of him and he shouldn't be saddled with the responsibility anyways. I would look into Child Protective Services or something similar and see what can be done. If she's that serious of an alcoholic, she needs re-hab whether she realises it or not.

Edited for clarity.

[Brenda Starrr]

The problem with CPS is that they really aren't very useful unless a therapist puts in writing that the child is in some sort of danger. I know this from personal experience. I'm stuck allowing my children to go with their Dad every other weekend and some holidays, despite the fact that he ignores them and calls them fuckers and fucking idiots. If the child isn't in therapy and isn't showing some sort of emotional damage, CPS won't even touch it. Believe me, I've been trying.

It's definitely wise to go through the proper channels. You can't take a situation like Sandro's into your own hands. I just hope that it all works out.

[Soulrev]

Yeah me and Aaron did the math and figured she's spending 140 bucks every 2 weeks on beer and cigs.. That's not counting how much she spends at the bar that she goes to every Friday night and sometimes Sat. night too.

So the only thing I'm worried about is Sandro ending up somewhere worse.. I dunno what we should do.. Any other input on this from anyone else?

[Troy Spiral (13)]

Its hard to give any blanket advice, as no one of us can really understand the full extent of the problem with out actualy being inside your head.

Im under the impression that you feel "mom" is beyond help? If she could clean up her act, even somewhat, it seems like things would not be so bad.

You do sound like your trying your best, just keep in mind that no matter how bad you want to fix something, often there isnt any "perfect" solution.

Sorry ot hear about all of this. I hope things work out.

[The_Dark]

Brian... Do me a favor and slap yourself up side the head.

but I have nothing to offer a child except discipline and wisdom and to actually be there for him and spend time with him.

You mean all you can offer is to be a good parent?

[Soulrev]

Yeah but I couldn't financially support him I can't financially support myself..

Wonder if we went around to all the area liquor stores and asked them to refuse sale of alcohol to her.. Think that might work? I doubt it..

[Onyx]

A lot depends on how child protective services is in her area. Turning her in may be the best thing to happen to her and the child, or it could be the worst. Do you know anyone who has had dealings with them? If they are good at getting people into rehab or al anon it might be worth an anonymous phone call to get the ball rolling.

Sometimes the prospect of losing their child can get an alcoholic's attention. On thinking on this more, from what I've seen it takes a lot to get them to even act on a call, so I'm thinking it may be worth a try.