Raising the children

[phee]

I thought that I knew how to raise kids... until I had one, in fact I have never ever known anybody who actually knows how to raise kids, unless they have done it...

But that is just me.

To me, saying that one knows how to raise kids without actually having done it, is kind of like saying that you know how to do kung fu never having done it, but only watching... unless maybe if you were a big brother or sister and actually did raise kids in a total way.

Your thoughts?

[Brenda Starrr]

I'm with you, Phee. I just don't get how someone can say that they know how to raise kids, when they've NEVER even had kids of their own. Those who say that they hate kids piss me off, too. As if they were never a child.

[JaneDead]

i have had many discussions with my friends about this lately actually.

they seem to think they know what to do when it comes to kids, even though they don't have any. they seem to know that what other friends of ours are doing is "wrong" even though they never had to deal with that situation themselves.

in one way i think you can have an opinion on what is right or wrong or what you may or may not do- but raising kids is completely different than thinking you would know what to do.

i have been around kids since i was 6 years old. i have taken care of kids day in and day out.

but when i finally had kids - it was a totally different story.

something about the 24/7, rain or shine, hands on training will change your mind...

[phee]

I know...

I remember walking around with my wife of the time and roilling my eyes at parents when I thought "I wouldn't ever do it that way with my kids..." And for the most part (with the obvious exception of people hitting their kids) I was wrong, I could see much more when I actually have kids...

I have a pet peeve now for people who think they know how to raise kids and don't have any... and I can say that because I used to be exactly like that, so I understand the ignorence.

[Msterbeau]

Now multiply that lack of knowledge times whatever amount of kids you have. Because the second one will most certainly not respond to the things you learned on the first....

:doh :doh :doh

[paradox]

if only i knew then what i know now... :whistling

[Brenda Starrr]

Now multiply that lack of knowledge times whatever amount of kids you have.  Because the second one will most certainly not respond to the things you learned on the first....

:doh  :doh  :doh

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If that isn't true, I don't know what is!

[JaneDead]

i don't care so much when people think they know it all or know better when it comes to kids and they don't have any.

the thing i have noticed is the people who are ripping on other parents are ripping on me too- they just don't know it

i don't tend to share my parenting "style" with people especially when i know how much they disagree with it. they will say oh that damages a child, oh i would never do that with my child because it will make them this that or the other... and i laugh to myself thinking wow, i do those exact things and i have three kids who are prefectly fine from it.

the people i know seem to think they would do that "text" book parenting. you know the one where "studies have shown" or "doctors say" or "i saw this tv show once..." you know that type of mindset.

[phee]

If that isn't true, I don't know what is!

I learned enough from my first child to know that I don't know shite about having 2!

[Scary Guy]

Fine, you know what, I know nothing.

[JaneDead]

one time my son did something he shouldn't have. i can't recall what it was now he was probably only 2?

well anyways- i pulled him aside and i talked to him about it. i explained to him what had happened and why it was not the right choice and asked him questions about it and asked him if he understood what i was saying.

this girl there turned to my friend and said "what is she doing!?" my friend said "she is talking to him about it" she said "why is she doing that??" very snotty and made a reference as to how i should have just hit him for it and why the hell was i explaining it to him he was ONLY TWO. i said to my friend later well, because he is a person and he needs to UNDERSTAND what he did and why it was wrong not get hit for it and leave it at that. i found it so amazing this women thought i was so wrong for doing that! she thought i should just hit and not talk to him like a person cuz he was "only 2"

[phee]

Fine, you know what, I know nothing.

I am sure that nothing is kind of strong....

I am also sure that you would make a great parent, once you were one.

[JaneDead]

another time a friend of mine was talking about tv and i said "oh i don't let my son watch that" he said why not? i said well, i don't let him watch anything on that channel. he said "okaaaaaay....." i said well my kids for 1. don't watch that much tv. 2. i need to know what they are watching and that channel has many things on it i don't approve of.

so then he was like but it is just a cartoon. i said just becasue it is a cartoon doesnt mean it is ok for kids. i pretty much only let my kids watch 2 channels without supervision. other than that, i need to know that i approve of it and if i have not seen it before - neither will my kids.

i get criticized a LOT for being too "strict"

[Onyx]

Now multiply that lack of knowledge times whatever amount of kids you have.  Because the second one will most certainly not respond to the things you learned on the first....

:doh  :doh  :doh

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is soooo true!

My children have some things in common but are in many ways polar opposites. (Both girls, both same hair color and eyes, both same father and mom but waaay different).

Until I had the second child I was convinced that personality is mainly formed by the parents and things that happen to a child. Now I'm convinced that while environment may help or hinder a child, all you can do is try to guide.

I have seen that much of personality is inborn and there is no real way to change a person's makeup. There are ways to overcome tendencies, such as helping a shy child be less afraid to socialize, but basic personality traits are there from the beginning.

It's hard as hell too, but it's all worth it to me.

[JaneDead]

Fine, you know what, I know nothing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i would never say that a person without kids "knows nothing" about it.

of course you can have knowledge of it. of course you can have opinons. and of course you can put that all into practice once you have a kid.

the only thing lacking when you don't have a kid is the actual experience. experience can make all that you thought was "right" go right out the window.

on the other hand everything i thought i would do before i had kids, i actually did do once i had them. and i take what works and use it. and take what hasn't worked and learn from it.

i don't think not having a kid makes people think you know nothing. but with parenting, experience really is key.

[JaneDead]

Now multiply that lack of knowledge times whatever amount of kids you have.  Because the second one will most certainly not respond to the things you learned on the first....

:doh  :doh  :doh

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

well and that is to be expected. everyone is different and has different needs. the sooner you realize that about your kids,the better for you and them!

i have 3 and i don't discipline any one of them the same. i don't do the same things where any of them are concerened really. my son is going to be 10 and my daughter will be 4 but i can already tell i will always have to be more "strict" with my son than my daughter. he is very curious and sneaky so he keeps me on my toes. my daughter has no interest in the things my son did at that age so i have been able to be different with them because they have needed different things from me.

[saechalyn]

I don't know a damn thing about raising kids, and you'll never hear me say otherwise.

Hell, I'm still trying to raise myself!

[Msterbeau]

Until I had the second child I was convinced that personality is mainly formed by the parents and things that happen to a child.  Now I'm convinced that while environment may help or hinder a child, all you can do is try to guide. 

I wasn't convinced either way, but once #2 started to grow it became obvious that while environment matters, genetics play a strong role in thier personallities.

Night and day...yeah...that pretty well discribes my two girls as well. :blink

[bean]

I run into this a lot because of my job. Most of my clients are children. Most of the parents, until they get to know me, and see that my methods work, will dismiss what I have to say because I don't have children, and thus, "don't know what I'm talking about." I am willing to admit that I don't know what its like to raise children because I don't have the experience, but I still have an idea on what may work for the child. I never tell the parents that what they are doing is wrong. I give them suggestions on how they could handle something differently, and help them come up with their own ideas.

[Onyx]

I run into this a lot because of my job.  Most of my clients are children.  Most of the parents, until they get to know me, and see that my methods work, will dismiss what I have to say because I don't have children, and thus, "don't know what I'm talking about."  I am willing to admit that I don't know what its like to raise children because I don't have the experience, but I still have an idea on what may work for the child.  I never tell the parents that what they are doing is wrong.  I give them suggestions on how they could handle something differently, and help them come up with their own ideas.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I got the very best advice once from a middle-aged counselor who had never had a child. My daughter was 5, was balking at getting dressed in the morning and it was making us late. The counselor explained that a lot of children feel powerless when made to do things and when they have little choices in their lives. We had a very hectic stressful schedule.

She suggested I give her a choice of two outfits and rather than say "get dressed", ask her which she wanted to wear. It was wonderful - she picked her outfit, got dressed and we were on time. Happy child, happy mom and conflict resolved.

I will take good advice wherever I find it. What bugs me is when someone tries to tell me or almost order me what I should do rather than suggest.

[Homicidalheathen]

Kids are people too. Everyone is different. Their souls are thier own and they have these wierd personality quirks that come with them into life..how can what works for one kid work for all?

You have to raise them all differently........and deal with stuff as it comes.

There is no set one way for all.

But then there is the obvious if you let them learn and grow and explore while keeping them out of harms way.....your doing ok.

I know I have to use reverse pysicology on my one twin...the other is too smart for it.

The one it is the only thing that works.....she is stubborn and too much like me.

[Homicidalheathen]

you know what is ironic? By the time you have it figured out they are grown. Then you get the grandkids and your too tired and just want to enjoy them..........so it never gets used......the knowledge that is.

My stepson so does not want me telling him what to do, nor do I want too. I see him make some mistakes....but then I spend a day with my grandaughter and find out why........it is just the way she is. Like not eating right. This kid survives on air sometimes I think.

[8 Year Old Goth]

i do not lik it whenevr a parent tries to ground a kid. it doesnt help me want to do anything, it just makes me mad and i want to break something. they should shut up and let kidz be themselvez.

[The_Dark]

As a parent of 6.. with one off to college... I know what mistakes I have made... and I know I will make more. I don't need some childless knowit all reminding me.

[The_Dark]

i do not lik it whenevr a parent tries to ground a kid.  it doesnt help me want to do anything, it just makes me mad and i want to break something.  they should shut up and let kidz be themselvez.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It teaches something called Consequences.