DGN Political Jokes Thread

[Msterbeau]

I posted a couple in their own threads today... thought it might make it more convenient to put them all in one place from now on.........

It would probably help to keep the banter to a minimum.

Enjoy!

:grin

[Msterbeau]

A woman in a hot air balloon, realizing she was lost, lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat. She shouted to him, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're thirty feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, then you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met; but somehow, now it's my fault."

[phee]

That is awsome!!!

Here is one:

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

[Paper Hearts]

This one was just emailed to me:

George Bush Jr. asks, "Donald, any news from Iraq I should know about?" Rumsfeld: "Well, three Brazilian soldiers were killed today." George Bush flops at the desk, head in his hands and wails loudly "Oh my God, Oh God, Oh No, I don't believe it." The staff rushes into the oval office to see what the matter is. A distraught Bush calms himself, blows his nose and wipes away the tears. Then he turns to his secretary and asks... "How many is a brazilian?"

[phee]

This one was just emailed to me:

George Bush Jr. asks, "Donald, any news from Iraq I should know about?"  Rumsfeld: "Well, three Brazilian soldiers were killed today." George Bush flops at the desk, head in his hands and wails loudly "Oh my God, Oh God, Oh No, I don't believe it." The staff rushes into the oval office to see what the matter is. A distraught Bush calms himself, blows his nose and wipes away the tears.  Then he turns to his secretary and asks... "How many is a brazilian?"

[Msterbeau]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for

a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman,

salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his

father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all

his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer

is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other

children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No", the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and helped

re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids".

[saechalyn]

That is awsome!!!

Here is one:

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush  has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No no no! Phee, there is nothing wrong with the lightbulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That lightbulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom??

[SomeDanGuy]

President George W. Bush.

[The_Dark]

22 Ways to be a Good Democrat

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but urban activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that having self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that John Kerry’s Purple Hearts are legitimate, and that a Massachusetts Senator more liberal than Teddy Kennedy can be elected President of the United States.

22. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy

[The_Dark]

The Ant and the Grasshopper

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green"

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

John Kerry and John Edwards exclaim in an interview with Dan Rather that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Rather displays documents, verified by "experts", proving this.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Moral of the Story:

Vote

[The_Dark]

http://www.fortliberty.org/patriotic-humor...-army-knife.jpg

[The_Dark]

40 Reasons to Support Gun Control

1. Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns.

2. Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.

3. Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are "just statistics."

4. The Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, both of which went into effect in 1994, are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates, which have been declining since 1991.

5. We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.

6. The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.

7. An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.

8. A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.

9. When confronted by violent criminals, you should "put up no defense --give them what they want, or run" (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don't Die - People Do, 1981, p. 125).

10. The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.

11. One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady [or Sheena Duncan, Adele Kirsten, Peter Storey, etc.] for firearms expertise.

12. The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created by an act of Congress in 1917.

13. The National Guard, funded by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state militia.

14. These phrases," right of the people peaceably to assemble," "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumeration's herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people," and "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people," all refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to the state.

15. We don't need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, but we should ban and seize all guns, thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th amendments to that Constitution.

16. Rifles and handguns aren't necessary to national defense, which is why the army has millions of them.

17. Private citizens shouldn't have handguns, because they serve no military purpose, and private citizens shouldn't have "assault rifles," because they are military weapons.

18. The ready availability of guns today, with waiting periods, background checks, fingerprinting, government forms, etc., is responsible for recent school shootings,compared to the lack of school shootings in the 40's, 50's and 60's, which resulted from the availability of guns at hardware stores, surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, mail order, etc., etc.

19. The NRA's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity.

20. Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.

21. A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.

22. Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen" and gun makers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their fears."

23. Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.

24. Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.

25. A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.

26. A self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a "weapon of mass destruction" or an "assault weapon."

27. Most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.

28. The right of online pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.

29. Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self-defense only justifies bare hands.

30. The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.

31. Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.

32. Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do "civilians" who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.

33. We should ban "Saturday Night Specials" and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have access to guns too.

34. Police officers, who qualify with their duty weapons once or twice a year, have some special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.

35. Private citizens don't need a gun for self-protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.

36. Citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.

37. "Assault weapons" have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them but "civilians" do not.

38. When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that's bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that's good.

39. Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.

40. When Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to "keep guns out of the wrong hands," they don't mean you.

[Msterbeau]

On the first day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

the federal budget surplus.

On the second day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Clean air and water, and the federal budget surplus.

On the third day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

three million jobs, clean air and water, and the federal

budget surplus.

On the fourth day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Freedom of speech, three million jobs, clean air and water,

and the federal budget surplus.

On the fifth day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

All of our allies, freedom of speech, three million jobs,

clean air and water, and the federal budget surplus.

On the sixth day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Rights of privacy, all of our allies, freedom of speech,

three million jobs, clean air and water, and the

federal budget surplus.

On the seventh day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Trust in the system, rights of privacy, all of our allies,

freedom of speech, three million jobs, clean air and water,

and the federal budget surplus.

On the eighth day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Hope for the future, trust in the system, rights of privacy,

all of our allies, freedom of speech, three million jobs,

clean air and water, and the federal budget surplus.

On the ninth day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Overtime pay, hope for the future, trust in the system,

rights of privacy, all of our allies, freedom of speech,

three million jobs, clean air and water, and the

federal budget surplus.

On the tenth day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Well-funded schools, overtime pay, hope for the future,

trust in the system, rights of privacy, all of our allies,

freedom of speech, three million jobs, clean air and water,

and the federal budget surplus.

On the eleventh day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Endangered species, well-funded schools, overtime pay,

hope for the future, trust in the system, rights of privacy,

all of our allies, freedom of speech, three million jobs,

clean air and water, and the federal budget surplus.

On the twelfth day of Bushmas, Dubya took from us,

Many soldiers' lives, endangered species, well-funded

schools, overtime pay, hope for the future, trust in the

system, rights of privacy, all of our allies, freedom of speech,

three million jobs, clean air and water, and the

federal budget surplus.

[The_Dark]

Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

Answer -A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

[The_Dark]

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?

A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

[The_Dark]

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

[The_Dark]

John Kerry was jogging down the street and sees these kittens in a pet store window. He asks the owner, "What kind of kittens are these?"

The owner replied "They're democrats."

The next week Kerry is jogging down the street with Joe Liberman and Kerry sees the kittens and tells Joe, "You gotta' see this!"

Kerry walks up to the store owner and asks, "What kind of kittens are these?"

"Republicans" the store owner replies.

"But last week you said they were democrats! Whats the difference between them then and now?" Kerry proclaims.

"They opened their eyes." The store owner responds.

[Head Wreck]

me likes that one.

something i found that i thought i can have fun with.

[Msterbeau]

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist

church outside Washington, D.C. as part of his campaign. Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like.

We'd gladly make a contribution of $100,000 if, during your sermon you'll say the 'President is a saint'."

The Bishop thinks it over for a minute and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds so I'll agree to do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug today and as the

sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:

"George Bush is petty, self-absorbed, shallow hypocrite. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel.

He lied about his military record and then had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier so he could pose before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'

He invaded a country for oil and to help him get re-elected, and then he lies about it to the American people.

All in all, George "W" Bush is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever seen.

"But compared to Dick Cheney, George Bush is a saint."

[saechalyn]

The day before Valentines Day, Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks about a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?!," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."