Does age matter?

[Steven]

Sigh. Wish EZB DGN's posts hadn't all gone bye-bye. I answered this once before, but here goes again.

I'm 10-1/2 years older than Jon. When we met, he was 19, I was 30.

Fast-forward to things becoming serious. Considering we met in February '98 and married in October '98, that wasn't a very long period of time.

All along, my main concerns about being with someone that young were focused more around the age HE was at and about to go through - NOT the number of years between us.

I could recall what an absolute ball of mess my life was in my mid-20's. That was the period in which I went through the most in the way of growing, figuring out who I was, who I wasn't, what did and did not work for my life, etc. It was a period of a lot of growth and changing. A LOT. I got through it, but it took into my early 30's to kinda get fully over the hump of confusion.

I was getting into a relationship with a guy who was just taking the barest baby-steps into that wild period of life. And I told him flat-out that I had no problem being with him, but that I would be anxious when he started going through the same types of things.

And he did. He did a lot of changing in that period of time. He got into some things that weren't good for the relationship. He struggled with his own questions as to what was and wasn't right for him. And I struggled with a need to leave him alone to figure things out for himself so as not to "mold" or control the outcome, knowing the inevitable fallout and disaster that would happen in our relationship if I did.

But he's 27 now, and we've been married 7 years. And he came through that period to find that "we" work just fine for him.

Whew. Sigh of relief.

Does age matter? Yes and no. There's no pat answer. Maturity does, in a way, matter more than actual number. But as one of the "older, wiser" members of the board I have to say that I have BEEN there and I have plenty of friends/acquaintances who have BEEN there and we all agree - in your early 20's, you THINK you know everything - but you don't know SHIT. In particular, about YOURSELF.

You may be some kind of genius. You may have lived on the streets and scraped to get by. Etc. Sure, you may be experienced and knowledgeable about things you learn from a life of hardship or education, etc.

But the thing you still don't know JACK about is YOURSELF. There's just no freaking way you CAN.

And I know there are plenty of 20-somethings reading this and rolling their eyes and thinking, "she thinks she's so smart, I know exactly who/what I am." and I still say "bullshit." But I say it with a smile, 'cause I'm fucking 37 years old and I see it every damned day in almost every single person I know.

Jon, luckily, came through that life period to discover that what/who he is works in a relationship with me. But even he is an incredibly different person than the 19 year old I married. In some ways more open. In some ways more settled.

But to go through that period of time in a committed relationship with someone is, in my experience & observation, very very hard to do successfully. Jon was an exception. There are others.

So, there's my not-so-black-and-white answer to that question.

(And sorry if my bringing up my age once again jolts people - every week at CC someone new learns my age and freaks out thinking I was 26 at most... :grin)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

ahhhhh there is true wisdom in this post.

Thanks Critter - and Kudos.

Steven

[DisturbedMania]

Just because ya'll are giving me some nasty visuals I'm going to rent some pirate porn!

[Morbid Side]

If its significant age difference it can matter. First you have to be with each other long enough to feed off one another. Being able to cope with ones desires and needs and staying dynamic together. It depends somewhat on the age of the people involved. A ten year difference between a sixty and a seventy year old may be insignificant, but between a twenty and a thirty year old can become irreconcilable. Now getting down to things its important to note the older one may act like a guardian or a motherly/fatherly type to the younger one, and the younger one may act on it and fall more into the student/child role.

I guess it really depends on the balance.

[TygerLili]

If its significant age difference it can matter. First you have to be with each other long enough to feed off one another. Being able to cope with ones desires and needs and staying dynamic together. It depends somewhat on the age of the people involved. A ten year difference between a sixty and a seventy year old may be insignificant, but between a twenty and a thirty year old can become irreconcilable. Now getting down to things its important to note the older one may act like a guardian or a motherly/fatherly type to the younger one, and the younger one may act on it and fall more into the student/child role.

I guess it really depends on the balance.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hey! No DGN until you clean your room and take out the garbage!

[Morbid Side]

Hey! No DGN until you clean your room and take out the garbage! 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I won't talk back mom.

[Head Wreck]

age is a guide.

used to say a few month back that 20 was what i consider being limit of how young. apart from one girl i've met who is 17-18. a lot more mature and level headed than people nearly 10 years her senior, and she seems to have the same sort of moral code as me. it just seems a complete rarity to me.

reason i've been single for so long is i find it hard to trust someone, esp after the track record of my ex's, its rare to find someone i trust nowerdays tbh that i have only just met.

[QueenKoi]

I don't think age is an issue "IF" the legal age limit set is met . Me and my b/f are only 2years apart. i just turned 18 and he'll turn 20 in sept. my parents were complaining about that. I feel that love is love it doesn't matter about how old you are. but it's best to make sure your care full if they are not. like my brother's g/f is 16 and will be haveing his child/children soon. he's 20 but her parents are ok with it.

[Nienna]

My current is 9 years oldewr than me. We met 10 years ago, when I was only 17 and he was 26. THEN it would NOT have been ok, but now it is fine. I did alot of growing up in the last 10 years. I think once you reach "adulthood" you pretty much shouldn't consider age but rather maturity and compatability... and yes, we're VERY happy.

[Miranda]

It depends on the maturity level of the person you are involved with. We are all so unique and different. My boyfriend is younger, he is extremely mature and keeps up with me on the levels where it counts. I need to have an intellectual person in my life, regardless of their age. Now, you also have certain issues you have to account for, like children, if you are older, as in my case. I am not having any and he doesn't want any if he can't have them with me, so it works for us. I just hope deep in my heart he will have no regrets in that decision later.

[n0Mad]

Here's something I wrote for my LiveJournal back on April 20, 2005:

There's this tribe in Africa that has this math equation for finding the age of a perfect mate. It's half the male's age plus seven. So right now at 28, I should be looking for a 21 year old girl. In 4 years when I'm 32, then 23 will be my ideal mate's age. So all those girls who are 19 right now better look out in 4 years. But, by two years later you'll be too old for me anyway as I look around for those who are one year younger than you. And before you say that sounds sexist, I didn't invent it. Blame some African tribe whoever they are.

At least that's the system for men. For women, I guess you'd have to do algebra or something. Let's see, if the men are Y and women are X (hey, it's the chromosome thing) then it would be: X = 1/2*Y + 7 where men just plug their age in as Y and solve for X.

So, for women to find their ideal mate they'd use the equation: Y = 2(X - 7) where they plug their age in for X and solve for Y.

See, and you thought you'd never use algebra in every day life?

[Gauge]

Age is just a number, for me its about the connection. Why turn down the possibility for amazing experiences, connections, love or even just a good time because of a couple of numbers that youve been raised to think are important?

[Shade Everdark]

Age is just a number, for me its about the connection. Why turn down the possibility for  amazing experiences, connections, love or even just a good time because of a couple of numbers that youve been raised to think are important?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Um....'cause.

[Gauge]

Um....'cause.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

cause why

[Hellion]

Age goes against me,but oh well,I am still alive,thats all that matters.

[Guest Megalicious]

It doesnt really matter to me .. however I think that will change if I ever have a daugther ..

I will not have some 20 year old dating my 18 year old daugther ... I will have to fucking kick some 20 year old ass.

Same goes for my son.

[pharoh]

Age goes against me,but oh well,I am still alive,thats all that matters.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

your still a sexy old bitch lol

[Gauge]

It doesnt really matter to me .. however I think that will change if I ever have a daugther ..

I will not have some 20 year old dating my 18 year old daugther ... I will have to fucking kick some 20 year old ass.

Same goes for my son.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

now is that because of the guy beeing older or the guy beeing. . .a guy?

[CandyQuackenbush]

I have always dated men that where older than me. My first serious relationship was 4.5 years long with a boy who was 4 years older than me. I was 16 when we started dating, and he was 20. I thought it was love...

~He ended up cheating on me with many a girls.~

Another semi-serious relationship I had was with a guy who was 2 years older than me. It didn't werk out, but we saw that, and now we are great friends.

*edit*

I almost forgot my crazy ex that I had while I was over seas. He was the only one that was younger than me. He couldnt handle me being gone, so he told me everything I did in the Army was me being selfish, and I should always think of him, then my family, then myself.

*end edit*

My 3rd and final stab in the dating world is now, with a 28 year old man. He's perfect in everyway to me. The age thing really isnt an issuse with much. The only time you can really tell is at CC, when certain songs come on, and I don't know the words, or don't care for the song. However, I know that I am done dating, I am perfectly content with who I am with. My Leggo.

[n0Mad]

I will not have some 20 year old dating my 18 year old daugther ... I will have to fucking kick some 20 year old ass.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

How about a 43 year old man sleeping with 16 and 17 year old girls? There was an article in the Detroit News about how a guy in Michigan would meet girls on MySpace and lure them to his house with the promise of thousands of dollars for modeling jobs. He'd then take nude pictures of them, have sex with them, etc.

The cops raided his house and found him in bed with a 17 year old who was under the influence of alcohol and drugs. The cops aren't sure what to charge him with. It's legal in Michigan to have sex with anybody age 16 and older. So, as long as none of these gals were 15 or younger, he didn't break any laws there. 17 is the age of consent for nude photography so as long as all his pics are of gals 17+, no law broken there either. The police are investigating to see if he supplied the drugs and alcohol, or if the girls brought them themselves. If the gals brought their own, then the guy didn't break any laws so he gets off scott free. If he did supply them, then that's all they can really charge him with.

So, according to the law, as long as both partners are ages 16+, age doesn't matter.

[Guest Megalicious]

now is that because of the guy beeing older or the guy beeing. . .a guy?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The guy being an older guy .. so both.

How about a 43 year old man sleeping with 16 and 17 year old girls?

Then there would be a dead 43 year old guy somewhere and Jarod would have to raise our children. Because I would kill him. Thats fucking sick.

[n0Mad]

now is that because of the guy beeing older or the guy beeing. . .a guy?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good point. I'd go with the latter. Guys suck. Take me as an example. :doh

Then again, gals suck too. Take ... well, all of them as an example. :fear

[Guest Megalicious]

Good point.  I'd go with the latter.  Guys suck.  Take me as an example.  :doh

Then again, gals suck too. Take ... well, all of them as an example. :fear

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We are known to suck from time to time .. if your good enough

[Brenda Starrr]

As long as they're above 21 and below 40, they're fair game.

[Msterbeau]

As long as they're above 21 and below 40, they're fair game.

For whom? :fear

[Brenda Starrr]

It's my own personal theory. Oh, and they have to hall all their OWN teeth.