Lugubrious

[Crazed Vampyress]

It should have been cold outside. A few trees were still holding onto some stubborn leaves that refused to fall to the ground and join all of those who went before. Most of them were just bare except for the evergreens that laughed at their naked cousins. The sun peered out from behind heavy clouds and seemed to decide it was best to stay away. In the gloom it really should have been cold but I didnt feel even the slightest touch of a chill. It was perfectly comfortable. Walking along I examined the leaves under my feet. "Should i be watching where i am going?" No, I answered myself. I wont get lost. Just keep walking. A car passed by on the street that stretched along the sidewalk guiding my path. It wasnt the first, and with every single car passing by my stomache would do a flip and my heart started racing. I would glance up to see the car while trying to pretend that's exactly what I wasn't doing. If I looked at the car straight on I might end up seeing what I was looking for, and once I saw what I was looking for I wouldnt know what to do with myself. Worse yet, I might be seen looking. I coudlnt have that happen. I dont know why I was even thinking there was a possibility of seeing who I was looking for. He wasnt going to come. I was alone and alone I would stay. He would never be the next car. He would never be the next stop. The blinking light on my answering machine was not going to be him either. He was gone. He was supposed to come, and he didnt. He was supposed to come. He was supposed to be here, and he isnt. One never really gets used to disapointment this size. "Keep walking, or you'll never get anywhere" The sidewalk beneath my feet turned into grass, then stairs and finally carpet as I walked in the door to my kitchen. With downcast eyes I made my way thru the dark kitchen and without turning on a single light I found my way to the couch. I sat quietly listening to the sounds of the dark and looking at the silence around me. I wanted so much to be anywhere doing anything with anyone, as long as I wasn't alone on this couch. But that's the problem with life, we are never in control and those who are have little concern for what we know we need to survive. I closed my eyes to see if it could possibly be any darking inside my head than it was inside the room. "If only wished really came true" I heard myself think so loudly it startled me. I felt a voice that wasnt there telling me to open my eyes. I opened them. I think I opened them, but it was so dark I really couldnt tell the difference. But I could feel the presense of a person next to me now. The body pushed down the couch cushion under its weight. I reached out in the dark and my hand found its way to his cheek. His face was warm, flushed, and his cheek was wet as was now mine. All at once my heart broke, mended, sank and flew. He was here. He wasn't before. He was here, but he couldnt stay and would soon be gone again. He wasnt there when we were supposed to meet. He wasnt there. But now he was here, in the dark on the couch next to me. I couldnt see him but I could feel him, I could smell him, I could hear his heart beating as hard as mine. I stared into the dark as hard as I could trying to make out some trace of his figure. "Go turn on a light" my mind stammered out. NO. I knew the answer was no. I couldnt do that. The light would rob me of this moment. We sat there for an eternity his hand on my knee, my hand on his cheek. I heard thunder begin to rumble in the distance, and suddenly I knew a terrible truth. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. Thunder brings lightning. Lightning brings light. And light, even a momentary flash, brings the end of this precious moment. If I left the couch, he would be gone. If I took my hand from him, he would fade away. But if I sat and the lightning came, the light flashing thru the windows, he would be gone as well. I had only a few seconds and I knew he felt the same way. He leaned towards me, one kiss before it was too late. I felt his lips just brush against mine and as I closed my eyes "DAMMIT, NO!" The lightning came. He was gone. I was alone. And here I am still. I sit alone in a dark room while thunder pounds against my ears and lightning flashes over and over laughing at me and how powerless I was. I sit here on the couch and am defened by the sound of my own sobs and drenched as thoroughly by my tears as would the rain splashing down in buckets outside. Alone I sit on my couch and beg for my heart to burst so I can know the peace of nothingness. This moment on my couch won't go away. I felt I've been here for years. Perhaps my immortal soul will suffer here for eons, on this crusty faded torn stained ripped dumpy couch.