Political Articles I wrote

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Disenfranchised Americans leaving en masse to Canada

November 5, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

Several thousand left wing Americans were so frustrated with the stealing of another election by George Bush that they had fled to Canada.

Fearing mass illegal immigration into it's Country, Canada sent it's Army to control the border at 9:15 AM EST. At 9:18 AM EST the French speaking members of the Canadian Army had surrendered.

Liberal Relocation Service helps the economy

Friday November 5, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

"Bush has shredded the constitution" said liberal American Mike Lastort.

He is only one of several Americans who are trying to move out of the U.S. after George Bush stole another election. For those that don't know where to turn, Ted Cikowski has started a new service called "Moveout.org"

"I just try to do what I can to help people" said the mild mannered Cikowski. "Alot of people are upset and I can obtain EU passports for them and hook them up with apartments."

An Italian passport will run you $50 and a flat in Tuscany will only cost $300 U.S. per month. Why is it so affordable? Cikowski played coy: "How about you turn the tape recorder off ok? You're asking too many questions there tough guy."

Still as cheap as it is the process seems sort of odd, you meet Cikowski in an alley where is drives and unmarked van. He has already gotten calles from Bruce Springsteen, Moby, Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn. Michael Moore allegedly inquired as well but Cikowski claims Moore had no money as he spent his last $300 on a pre-lunch snack. Michael Moore's relevance was recently sold on Ebay so he is obviously hurting for cash.

"But I like to help the common man, the Mike Lastorts, you know?" quipped Cikowski. Cikowski can move you to France and included is a beret, a fake thin mustache and shower kit containing everything the French use to cleanse themselves; the shower kit is an empty bag. You can opt for a permanent Parisian sneer as an alternate to the fake mustache.

Still Lastort doesn't want to leave his home land, "Halo 2 comes out next week for the Xbox. Though I could get the French version where the Master Chief runs away from the aliens."

For those without $300 to spare Cikowski suggest moving to Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Canada or any other number of 3rd world Countries. "We are running a special on trips to places where you might endure great suffering such as Indonesia, North Korea or England. I can get you there for $5."

Greg Palast details how Bush stole election

November 5, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

Greg Palast details how Bush stole yet another election at his website www.gregpalast.com . Sure Palast offers no evidence, quotes or sources but he can be trusted because he has a website. Palast has spent the last 4 years bashing Bush so it might seem that he has an axe to grind but that is simply not the case, who are you going to believe anyway - the people entrusted to count ballots or a man with a website?

Greg Palast most certainly counted the ballots by hand and can be believed over people who do not have web sites. A googled "ohio ballot counters" found no official website.

Furthermore Palast detailed how Ohio's secretary of state did everything in his power to keep black Americans from voting. Apparently Blackwell (pictured below) is assumably a former member of the Ku Klux Klan and obviously hates black people with a passion

Kenneth Blackwell

The British think Americans are stupid

November 5, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

The Daily Mirror in the United Kingdom has spoken and it believes that 59 million Americans are dumb for voting for George Bush as President. Americans apparently largely voted on the issue of morals which many British people do not understand since they have no morals.

Special Report: Kerry wins U.S. Election

November 7, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

We have received word that John Kerry has defeated George Bush to become the President of the United States. This comes from our special correspondant Jayson Blair. More Details as they come.

News Service Special Correspondant Fired

November 7, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

Earlier today we reported that John Kerry had defeated George Bush to become President, however we have learned that our man on the scene, Jayson Blair, made up the story. We apologize.

Arafat on death bed

November 8, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

Former Nobel Peace Prize winner and 2002's Most Valuable Terrorist (MVT) Yassar Arafat is inching closer and closer to death as he has a blood disease that has kept him in a coma for nearly a week now in a Paris, Hilton hospital.

Arafat was named The Terrorist Times man of the year for 1980 and again in 2000. Suicide Bombing Monthly has called Arafat an artist...of death.

Opinions from the U.S. was mixed. Senator John Edwards said "See - Americans are stupid. If they would have voted for John Kerry then Yassar Arafat would have risen from his bed and walked again. He and Christopher Reeves both. They both would have stood up and played a game of ping pong against each other. Stupid red states. Now no one gets to play ping pong."

Arafat is dead

November 12, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

Yassar Arafat's long drawn out battle with a mysterious blood disease has ended and the mysterious blood disease won in a route. In fact the mysterious blood disease pulled it's starters at halftime and still defeated Arafat going away. Arafat's last words were reportedly "I am sorry I didn't take any filthy jews with me" but that statement can not be confirmed. His burial is in Egypt and people mourned all over the West Bank but their sobs were drown out by laughter from Israeli's.

Wayne State prof speaks truth on Iraq!

November 14, 2004

By Ted Cikowski

Wayne State University Proffessor Jack Lessenberry wites "We are now the bad guys. The insurgents, no matter who they are and what they want, are morally in the right. Iraq is their country, not ours. We have no business there." over at http://www.metrotimes.com/editorial/story.asp?id=6984 where he writes weekly editions of truth and jutice for all educated Americans to read.

And we at the News Service agree. The U.S. is the bad guy and the insurgents are the good guys. Who are we to judge Abu Musab Al Zarqawi for beheading evil Brits and Americans? Ok so Al-Zarqawi isn't from Iraq but he is fighting the evil Americans. Who are we to condemn the insurgents who kidnap and execute other Iraqi's? It's their country, is it not?

When we say it's "their Country" we are reffering to the insurgents and not those Iraqi's killed by the insurgents or are victims of kidnappings. Those Iraqi's are not real Iraqi's since they do not protest America by killing other Iraqi's. We believe in this logic - We here at the news service hate Bush so much that when he was reelected we beat up Democrats.

The bottom line is this: Iraq belongs to the Iraqi's. As long as they're insurgents. And the insurgents don't have to actually be from Iraq either. Actually the new bottom line is this: Iraq belongs to anyone who hates America.

We at the News Service also applaud the MetroTimes and Lessenberry for failing to cover the Dearborn Iraqi-population's large support of the war. I mean, who wants to hear from Iraqi's themselves when you could get the opinions of experts like Lessenberry? They did have the courage to run a article called "Arab Street" where they were able to find many Muslims angered at Bush, most of which were not Iraqi, and aside from a few lines completely ignored that most Iraqi's still support Bush in Dearborn.

Lessenberry is obviously an authority on everything and we are sick of people questioning his statistics and opinions. He is smarter than you.

[HipsterDufus]

Sounds like some liberal has been pissing in your coffee....

[Blackmail]

Sounds like some liberal has been pissing in your coffee....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I am the liberalist of all. I don't even drink coffee because American corporations knocked down the rain forest in Colombia so drug cartels could grow cocoa crispies and sell coffee to Starbucks who in turn sells their illegal beans to Yuppies from the suburbs.

[Jarodaka]

Good readings. I enjoyed it.

[saechalyn]

:laughing You win the internet.