SOMETHING FUNNY

[Crazed Vampyress]

Okay the following story is a true story of something that has happened to me. It has become kind of a fun tradition in my life to share this story only with people who i have hung out with a number of times and have really come to think of as friends.

I would like to share it with all of you, because after only a couple months of being an official DGN'r I think of you all as friends. Names have been changed, events are true to life.

Here Goes:

Bryant: The Asshole

Sandor: The Buffoon

Jonah: The Mediator

It was dark outside, as so often it is in the middle of the night. Three young men, only a couple years out of high school shared a run-down apartment in a crappy little town just this side of 'nowhere'. On this particular evening two of them had stayed up late into the night playing video games while the third passed out in his room with the flavor of the week. Sandor had gotten bored of the video games and began entertaining himself with an old rusty sword that Jonah had given him earlier that week. Jonah picked it up some years previously at a garage sale, but had since gotten much better showpieces from the local flea market. Sandor, having always been one to play with the oxidized weapon, seemed a reasonable recipient now that Jonah was no longer interested in it. Bryant remained ever diligent at defending his little electronic man's honor while facing whatever perils he could find in order to save the princess or win the gold or beat 'the boss' character or whatever was supposed to happen. It didn't take long for Sandor to decide that irritating Bryant would be much more entertaining than leaving him to his electronic entertainment.

Sandor began to swing the rusty sword around with mock skill and shout clichéd comments such as 'en guard!' Bryant gave Sandor a sideways glance to express his annoyance, but it went completely unnoticed by certified sped. Moments later Sandor began harassing Bryant directly. A swing over his head, another in front of him, finally giving into pokes and prods from the sword. Bryant growled "Knock it off!" but it only caused Sandor to become more determined. Now, he could see, Bryant was susceptible to his pestering. Another jab, another poke, swing and jab again. Bryant paused his video game just as the colorful little man was completing a deadly blow to his nemesis and snapped a final warning to Sandor, who only laughed and jabbed Bryant once more. With almost uncanny smoothness Bryant picked up the first object within his reach and hurled it at Sandor, only a few feet away. The object turned out to be a particularly mean pencil who was thrilled to be hurled through the air with a fierce determination, it's purpose to cause damage. It decided to do everything it could to live up to the task at hand and the pencil hit it's mark without flaw. The pencil hit point first in the soft part of Sandor's eyebrow, right at the outer end, and there it stuck for a few seconds. Utter silence between the feuding flat mates fell. A scream in shock and pain broke the brief silence and Sandor ran quickly into the bathroom. Bryant, remaining true to his character description, ignores Sandor and happily went back to playing his video game.

Sandor could be heard yelling from the bathroom. The fuss he made was much more something one would expect from a child not an adult, but on and on he went. Bryant, being smarter than Sandor, decided to pick up the rusty sword before the injured returned from the bathroom and decided to do something ridiculous, like challenge him to a duel. Sandor emerged just seconds later and what he had to say next would cause even the most empathetic person to chuckle. Lead poisoning. Sandor was screaming about lead poisoning, from the pencil which had stuck in his eyebrow. For a moment Bryant could only stare in disbelief. He was well aware that the sharpened end of a pencil was called a led, but he was also painfully aware that the 'lead' in lead poisoning was something entirely different. Dubiety washed over him, he wasn't sure if Sandor was joking or just a complete moron. His question was answered a moment later when Sandor began to advance. Bryant lifted the weapon, "I have your sword so don't even think about fucking with me any more!" he exclaimed in a very matter-of-fact tone. Before another thought could enter either of their heads Sandor inexplicably grabbed the blade pointing towards him and pulled. Note to the reader: gripping a sword by the blade is never a good idea. Sandor began to bleed and quickly returned to the bathroom.

Bryant stood for a moment and looked at the edge of this rusty steel and could not quite wrap his brain around what had just happened. The moment of silence was brutally interrupted by almost uncontrollable laughter and the sound of the metal falling to the floor. He walked slowly to the bathroom where he could hear Sandor making even more fuss than he was about the pencil. This time tetanus was his magic word. He would now have tetanus and lead poisoning and this was all Bryant's fault and he would get his revenge. As Bryant turned the corner he was still laughing and had to wipe tears from his own eyes. He didn't go in to help but rather for further amusement and he wasn't disappointed. Blood was now dripping into the sink and have splattered onto the floor. Sandor stood hunched over his injury and was working around the cut with a pair of fingernail clippers. Determined that the 'infected skin' which had come in contact with the rust on the blade would now definitely have tetanus, Sandor was actually cutting away at his own skin with the fingernail clippers in a hackneyed attempt to stop the spread of the imagined infection. Sandor is a buffoon. Bryant is an asshole, so rather than helping he used this opportunity to further amuse himself.

Cleaning the now wide-open wound was a great idea. Bryant suggested it and Sandor agreed. However being the young men they were they didn't exactly have all the right tools for dealing with such injuries, and Bryant knew this. But luckily for them, or so he claimed, aftershave and cologne both have alcohol in their ingredients and alcohol will work nicely to clean any wound. Bryant is an asshole. One must wonder why Sandor was still listening to Bryant at this point after all, he was the cause of the injuries to begin with. So on the two proceeded to pour cologne into the mutilated cut on Sandor's hand and the screams he let out were none too quiet. Jonah, who was sleeping when this all started and had been awoken somewhere around the initial lead poisoning screams, now decided there was too much commotion to ignore and strolled out of his room and through the house until he ended up standing outside the bathroom where his two roommates were continuing on their path to make the situation as bad as possible. Sandor was screaming in pain at the cologne being introduced into his open wound and then went on to worry, loudly, that he was starting to feel dizzy. "Could this dizzy feeling be because the lead poisoning is kicking in already?" Bryant was laughing and yelling over Sandor's screams. He was trying to convince the now hysterical boy that if they lit his now cologne-covered wound on fire it would cauterize the wound and didn't bother to explain the dizzy sick feeling was most likely because they had just poured inappropriate substances into a wound that no doubt carried it into his bloodstream. Jonah stepped in with obvious irritation at being woke up and asked what was going on. The next few seconds were a rash of yelling and pointing and blaming and general hysterics. Sandor making himself sick. Bryant almost tumbling over with laughter. Jonah trying to figure out what exactly was going on. Someone had to get these two away from each other before someone got killed. Jonah took control. First he forbade Bryant from setting Sandor on fire, then kicked him out of the room, washed Sandor's hand with soap and water, put a couple band-aids on his hand and told them both to clean up the mess now covering the bathroom sink and floor. "And one of you fucktards owes me a new bottle of cologne!"

[Onyx]

:laughing