Marriage in general Share your Views!

[Saephyr]

:blushing yes Lilith... I too was a victim of slander due to having 2 failed marriages. The 1st man was a terrible sleeze and wouldn't stay faithful at gunpoint.

The 2nd and I still love each other. We lost his 2nd born child and then I became ill as well. He couldn't handle watching me slip away so I let him go to try and be happy elsewhere.

I was told by an unmarried male once that becuz I have had 2 divorces that it makes ME look bad.

Apparently he wasn't looking at ME at all now was he? =)

[Rayne]

  I was told by an unmarried male once that becuz I have had 2 divorces that it makes ME look bad.

  Apparently he wasn't looking at ME at all now was he? =)

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Don't you hate that? I get talked down upon all the time for it. It sucks.

[Steven]

Hmm ... my first marriage I was beat and he moved his wife before me (whom he was also still married to when he married me) back in with us and expected me to be fine with that ... there's like a million other reasons ...

My second marriage ... sexual preference became an issue ... along with some other points. He paints doorknobs ... (Phee, stop laughing).

... I can totally see how that is totally all my fault. (sarcasm)

I'm not saying I wasn't to blame some. I'm not completely innocent ... but it bothers me that others are looking down on me assuming that I must be "jaded".

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I dont think your Jaded.

[Rayne]

I dont think your Jaded.

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Okay, maybe not everyone. Thank you, btw. I've had enough of people telling me I should just be alone recently. I'm fucking happy ... happier than I have EVER been -- just deal with it.

[phee]

Okay, maybe not everyone. Thank you, btw. I've had enough of people telling me I should just be alone recently. I'm fucking happy ... happier than I have EVER been -- just deal with it.

*Phee begins dealing with it*

[Rayne]

*Phee begins dealing with it*

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*giggle* Not you, silly.

[saechalyn]

If all jaded people were as deliriously happy as you Rayne the world would be a MUCH better place. :grin

[JaneDead]

Okay, maybe not everyone. Thank you, btw. I've had enough of people telling me I should just be alone recently. I'm fucking happy ... happier than I have EVER been -- just deal with it.

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you don't seem jaded at all to me

[JaneDead]

oh and ... door knobs? paints doorknobs?

[Fierce Critter]

I hadn't intended to offer anything to this thread because I've felt like I've beaten the "why marriage works for Jon and me" subject to death. I'm trying to avoid becoming tedious & boring - 'cause I'm boring myself these days.

Also, I just really really think it's different in different cases.

I know the things that make it work for Jon and I are simplistic to the point of banality. From communication to respect, etc.

It all comes down to this: Do your best to ensure that each and every action, word, or inaction is in the best interest of your partner. If you're BOTH following this, then it kinda follows that you'll both do what's best for the collective "you" together.

It's a tough thing to stick to. There will be slip-ups. I've cried over having bought cookies without telling Jon I was doing so, I felt so evil & selfish. There have been lesser and worse blows to trust on both of our parts over the years.

But in the end, we just want it to work so we do just that - we work at it. Our first and foremost priority in life is each other.

This is where things are going to be different for someone else. For instance, kids. Once kids are in the equation, it gets more complicated. We chose not to have kids because we saw them as just that - a complication. They weren't wanted. So we took steps to ensure they would not infringe on our concentration on each other.

Some would call that selfish. We call it selfless. We aren't inflicting our mindset & preferences on a helpless child.

And so it goes. It'll be different for the next couple, whose priorities include having children.

All I can say is with good communication, will, and respect, you can overcome.

I told you it was banal.

[Steven]

I hadn't intended to offer anything to this thread because I've felt like I've beaten the "why marriage works for Jon and me" subject to death. I'm trying to avoid becoming tedious & boring - 'cause I'm boring myself these days.

Also, I just really really think it's different in different cases.

I know the things that make it work for Jon and I are simplistic to the point of banality. From communication to respect, etc.

It all comes down to this: Do your best to ensure that each and every action, word, or inaction is in the best interest of your partner. If you're BOTH following this, then it kinda follows that you'll both do what's best for the collective "you" together.

It's a tough thing to stick to. There will be slip-ups. I've cried over having bought cookies without telling Jon I was doing so, I felt so evil & selfish. There have been lesser and worse blows to trust on both of our parts over the years.

But in the end, we just want it to work so we do just that - we work at it. Our first and foremost priority in life is each other.

This is where things are going to be different for someone else. For instance, kids. Once kids are in the equation, it gets more complicated. We chose not to have kids because we saw them as just that - a complication. They weren't wanted. So we took steps to ensure they would not infringe on our concentration on each other.

Some would call that selfish. We call it selfless. We aren't inflicting our mindset & preferences on a helpless child.

And so it goes. It'll be different for the next couple, whose priorities include having children.

All I can say is with good communication, will, and respect, you can overcome.

I told you it was banal.

 

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I like this girl.....

[Lilith]

Hmm ... my first marriage I was beat and he moved his wife before me (whom he was also still married to when he married me) back in with us and expected me to be fine with that ... there's like a million other reasons ...

My second marriage ... sexual preference became an issue ... along with some other points. He paints doorknobs ... (Phee, stop laughing).

... I can totally see how that is totally all my fault. (sarcasm)

I'm not saying I wasn't to blame some. I'm not completely innocent ... but it bothers me that others are looking down on me assuming that I must be "jaded".

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i dont knwo who is loking down on you but i am not one of them, and i hope that by what i suggested above you dont get the feeling that i am. It seesm you have soem pretty clear cut reasosn why it ended. i even have some pretty clear cut ones my self i just cant make that decsion yet as i am unsure and if we both can at the very least put an equal amount of effort in, i can see allot that would be worth working it all out for. I just get discouraged cause well i feel like i might be putting in more effort and am tired of the slow process of self realization to take place. It is frustrating and adds to years of unsettled hurt. Ahh well yesterday things presented them selves that take away the burden of me trying to make another see that they might need to stop and look at them selves for bit and made it a requirement weather or not that person thinks they need it, so hope fully with this new requirment, i can let go of some those thing that bugg me and just know it will be sorted out with people who are trained to make people see there faults.

I perosnally feel like that was my biggest stopper, and my biggest fault i knew if i was to metnion certian issues i would meet with allot of reisstance, i knew it was not neccisarily my job to do so either, but i felt it needed to be adressed so i pushed and it made things worse and i knew if help was not seeked it would be the end and poof out side resources took all that presure off me. made it allot easier to focus on the good and the good time we have been trying to have with out allot of tension and worry mixed in. It also made it allot easier for me to see here he is trying and appercaite the little steps. Juts knowing the big issues i see will be handled or else by some one elses rules not my own made a world of diffrence.

FC thank you for being "banal" as you put it, but i dont see it that way, You know i apprecaite the advice and take what ever you ahve to say with allot of thought and i find you are pretty damn close to the perfect solution.

Steven i wish you lived closer, i think the views and experiences you have lived would be helpful, I also think an outside impartial male point of view might be very helpful and perhaps respected more often then othe views and thoughts that have been flying around here.

Keep the thoughts flowing if inclinded, i know i am not done learning! :whistling

[Rayne]

If all jaded people were as deliriously happy as you Rayne the world would be a MUCH better place.  :grin

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:laughing :grin :innocent

Indeed.

[Rayne]

you don't seem jaded at all to me

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Thank you, Melissa.

oh and ... door knobs? paints doorknobs?

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Yes ... paints doorkknobs. Does anyone here actually paint doorknobs? Is this more common than I think?

i dont knwo who is loking down on you but i am not one of them,  and i hope that by what i suggested above you dont get the feeling that i am.  It seesm you have soem pretty clear cut reasosn why  it ended.  i  even have some pretty clear cut ones my self    i just  cant make that decsion yet as i am unsure and if we both can at the very least put an equal amount of effort in, i can see allot that would be worth working it all out for.

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Thank you Lillith. Good Luck to you.

[Lilith]

:blushing  yes Lilith... I too was a victim of slander due to having 2 failed marriages. The 1st man was a terrible sleeze and wouldn't stay faithful at gunpoint.

  The 2nd and I still love each other. We lost his 2nd born child and then I became ill as well. He couldn't handle watching me slip away so I let him go to try and be happy elsewhere.

  I was told by an unmarried male once that becuz I have had 2 divorces that it makes ME look bad.

  Apparently he wasn't looking at ME at all now was he? =)

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:blink Was he Blind?

Cause um well I have only seen you from a distance but i did not see anything that looked bad.......

[Lilith]

oh and ... door knobs? paints doorknobs?

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yeah that got me curious too! Just paints them?

[phee]

yeah that got me curious too! Just paints them?

Yup

[Rayne]

yeah that got me curious too! Just paints them?

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Yes. Is that really weird, or is it just me?

[Lilith]

I think another part of the reason a lot of marriages fail is the incredible social pressure to get married for marriage’s sake, because it’s just what you’re supposed to do when you’re an adult.  This attitude drives me up the wall.  People find out I’m 27 and not only unmarried, but that I’ve never been married and they look at me like I have six heads.  People I barely know ask why I’m not married and, while they don’t say it explicitly, what I hear is “Why doesn’t anyone want to marry you?  What’s wrong with you?”  And I don’t even have family of my own so it’s not like relatives are saying these things.  When people have parents, aunts, etc putting this kind of pressure on it becomes tenfold.

I know that relationships take work and no marriage is always easy.  I’m not saying people should wait until the Perfect man or woman comes along because perfection does not exist.  But I do think there is such thing as waiting until the right person and the right circumstances exist before making a commitment.

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yeah i would agree there, Befor we actually decided on a date for our wedding we thought to live together for a bit, save for a big bash and we had a home already and then poof out of no where 2 weeks befor we were to move both our moms pushed and pushed and pushed with comment like our houe of sin, how they could not come over for holidays casue if they did they would be supporting the house of sin etc.. Whic was retarded casue weather or not we had a home we had already "sinned" just about every time we saw each other... so we said fuck it and planned the wedding for the night befor we moved in to out home togehter. It was great for a 2 week plan job, but not exactly what either of us wanted.

[Killer_Bunnie]

Yes. Is that really weird, or is it just me?

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is it just for fun? I suppose I could see painting pictures on a kids door, but not just a knob

[creatureofthenyte]

Marriage,

is just a romantic relationship taken to the highest level. The top floor if you will. Getting married is a decision not to be made lightly. If both people involved put forth an equal amount or mostly equal amount of effort into the relationship, then there is no stopping them from having a successful marriage. A marriage makes two people a Team and there is no I in Team. Anything less then that is just a waste of time because it won't work.

[Lilith]

Yes. Is that really weird, or is it just me?

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i find it weird with out further explination. I mena if he painted designer door knobs with awsome pictures Kinda of art like that would not be weird as i could find my self actually purchasing a door knob that had some wonderful artistic detail to it but if he take regular ole house paint or what ever and just paints them for no apprent reason that weird. It weird with out purpose.

[JaneDead]

i find it weird with out further explination. I mena if he painted designer door knobs  with awsome pictures  Kinda of art like that would not be weird as i could find my self actually purchasing a door knob that had some wonderful artistic detail to it but if he take regular ole house paint or what ever and just paints them for no apprent reason that weird.  It weird with out purpose.

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ditto

[Brenda Starrr]

You know, I swore that I would never marry again. I didn't even want to date. It scared me. Was I inadequate? Why can't I fix all the things in my life that were broken? I questioned so many things. The thought of being genuinely, deeply in love frightened the crap out of me. Wayne wasn't exactly easy to deal with. I mean, it took him 3 years to even admit that he loved me. It was too much work, or so it seemed. Then again, it was worth every second. You realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with this one person once you realize that it's not work after all. It's life. Our relationship is so......effortless. Every day, he's there for us. Every day, he lets Ian and Sierra know that he's there for them.

I really, REALLY feel blessed. What an incredible feeling.

[Rayne]

You know, I swore that I would never marry again. I didn't even want to date.

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I know that feeling.