I am Totally Fucked Up

[fallennon]

So this whole time I was complaining about my son's father...

I realized that I didn't want him after all. Who I really wanted was the guy I was seeing...seeing up until Christmas anyway when he decided to get back with his ex. For some reason I was pining away for my son's father and treated this wonderful guy like trash. Now I see the error of my ways too late.

Am I forever doomed to be alone? Why do I keep fucking up?

I have tried to get a hold of this guy and tried to talk to him, but I haven't heard from him since last Wed. when he told me that he liked me too much and he was scared that I didn't really care about him so he got back together with her.

Why does every guy I like tell me the bullshit that it was just "too hard" with me and "simple" with someone else?

Not to sound melodramatic, but I feel like Barnara Striesand in "The Way We Were." How cheesy am I? I must just be a Katie girl, I guess. Maybe I just need to find a wild horse just like me...someone to run free with...

Where the fuck is he????????? :unhappy:

[torn asunder]

the past is gone, and the future is yet to come - all you have is now, and dreams... find your desires in dreams, have faith in them, know that they will find you, and then go out and make your "now's" lead to exactly what you want. dwelling on the past is the safest way to ensure you never move forward. "you, more than anyone on this planet, are deserving of your love" (i forget who said that) you must love and accept yourself as you are, before you can ever get on with experiencing the beauty of your life - remember, it's your dream, you control it! you can choose, right now, to be happy, or to be sad... it's all up to you.

[Jarodaka]

I have nothing but cliches.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't call it 'fucking up', it's more like 'accepting responsibilty' for the part of the relationship you control. See, doesn't 'accepting responsibility' sound nicer?

As far as previous b/f's... the best you can do is apologize, acknowledge your mistakes, and let him know you're still interested. Other than that, it's up to him, and anything else you do will just freak him out and push him further away.

For the 'too hard' and 'simple' notices, if you keep hearing the same line form different guys it's a good time to start being introspective. Remember, you're not 'too hard' for somebody, you just need to accept responsibility. Heck, maybe you just keep dating 'simple guys' so anything harder than '2+2' confuses them!

[JaneDead]

some great advice from some great guys

[Hermine]

I know I've allowed pining over a missed opportunity to bring my romantic life to a total halt. I realized that it was my way of avoiding a relationship, without admitting that I didn't want to be in one at the time.

Then I met my boi when I was ready to get back on that horse.

I'm not saying you're necessarily in the same situation, but it's worth considering. Maybe, on some level, you want to be single for a while, in which case the thing to do is be single, play the field, be safe, have fun.

Edited for punctuation.

[fallennon]

I hear what you all are saying and I appreciate it. There are some really great points there, and I do keep dating simple men...BUT...I can't figure out WHY...

[JaneDead]

i had a hard time getting over my ex (the father of my son) for a long time. [and believe me he was probably worse than your ex fallennon. and i am not just saying that.]

part of it stemmed from wanting him to want what i wanted- to be a family.

part of it stemmed from maybe thinking that one day he WOULD change - not because i wanted him to, but because he wanted to- and i wanted to be the one with him when that happened.

part of it stemmed from not knowing what i really wanted i guess.

maybe even low self esteem even though i never thought of it that way at the time- it only made sense that i did stay with someone like THAT for that reason. no one deserves to go through what i did with that guy. i should have dumped him no matter what i felt for him, knowing that my son and i deserve much much much more.

and the reason we didn't just "end" was because we still did have sex. as soon as that stopped- and i didn't talk to him at all- i was able to at least move on.

don't even think of it in terms of getting over him. think of it in terms of moving on and deserving more and making your life better for you and your son. you have to think about him first and foremost ALWAYS. you don't want that man as a role model in his life with the way he is acting right now do you?

[JaneDead]

and i do realize your post here is about another ex- but i think your deep lying issues are with your son's father- first and formost.

[fallennon]

Am I that easy to read???? I think that you know where I am at for sure. The only thing I truly have a hard time understanding is that I don't have a self esteem issue. It's more like, I know how great I am...why doesn't HE know it?

[JaneDead]

that is pretty much what i mean. you don't feel like you have an "issue" cuz you know you are worthy of much more you just don't go for it. so afterwards you do question if in fact you did have some issues that you just didn't knwo about because why else in the world would you settle for THAT when you know you can have it all if you just tried. you settle for that loser cuz you love him. believe me, i know. i loved that loser for a very very long time. VERY long. and i put up with him and his ways for a very very long time.

[fallennon]

It's like I keep telling myself...I have it all! I have a job, I go to school, I have a beautiful son, and a couple of close friends that help me however they can because they love me so much. Why am I focused on this ONE aspect in my life? It's like I would trade it all (except my son) to have the relationship I thought I had with the person I thought he was. And now I'm so confused I don't know which one I'm talking about. It really doesn't help that they were both really similar and had hte same name I'm sure...

[JaneDead]

maybe one was just a replacement for the other then?

and believe me i know what you are goign through and there is no good explaination for it other than you do have to find a way to get over it and move on. you have to be strong and fight whatever feelings you have and just think with your head. i am sure in your head you KNOW how bad this is for you and your son. you just need to put that rational thought process into motion.

[fallennon]

I'm working on it...

[Onyx]

Am I that easy to read????  I think that you know where I am at for sure.  The only thing I truly have a hard time understanding is that I don't have a self esteem issue.  It's more like, I know how great I am...why doesn't HE know it?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think a lot of us understand how you feel because very similar things have happened to us.

I was "married" for a long while (and I put that in quotes because it was never really a marriage) but he was never a husband to me and it took a lot of counseling to figure out that he was not really capable of being a responsible husband and father and never would. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out. I did everything that I could and it still didn't happen. I was blinded by the dream of having a happy family that never really happened, and it's hard to face when you realize that some people you just have to give up on.

There ARE good men out there, but they are not easy to find, and it takes patience and sometimes a lot of waiting and dating different people.

[fallennon]

I hate it though, lol. I think I need to learn to be alone again because a HUGE part of me ENJOYS being alone...then there is the part that wants to be held at night that fights with that...

[JaneDead]

i had to be alone after my ex to figure things out. i sort of dated one person in there (not for long) but for the most part i was alone for a good year and in that time i re-evaluated who i was with him and who i wanted to be without him.

[fallennon]

I think that is EXACTLY what I need to do...I know that things can only get better from here, right? I love you Dyno!

[JaneDead]

i have been thinking about this alot today. (because of a dream i had last night with my ex in it) and i realized one more thing about all of this-

you really are NOT done with your ex. in your head, you KNOW it is not a heathly "relationship" you have together, but yet you go through the motions still. and i think this is exactly what you need.

it is a lesson you need to teach yourself and you are apparently not done learning it yet. which is not necessarily a bad thing. what is happening right now, yes that is a bad thing. but it is probably something you do need to put yourself through.

it is one thing to KNOW something about a situation, it is another to LIVE through it. you can think all you want about something, but until you go through it you really have no idea.

for me personally it was like this:

right from the beginning there were warning signs i either 1. didn't get, or 2. just ignored. i don't even know now which it was.

i still proceeded to stay with this guy, and have his child. and even be with him after everything was a terrible mess. i used to think "why is he doing this to me?" and then i finally learned he wasn't doing anything to me. i was doing it to myself. i put myself through it by going back for more and more and more. and you know what, i did love him. i really did. and that was part of why i put myself through it. i could see the good in him. even though the bad was so much more. that somehow clouded my vision and i still hung on to the "good" that was there.

i needed to put myself through that though. i learned alot about relationships. i learned alot about myself. and i learned alot about what matters in life. love is not enough. wanting something is not enough. especially when what you want is not really going to ever happen. and it is NOT your fault that it won't happen. and you come to a point when you stop blaming that person for hurting you and KNOW you are doing it to yourself. and you have to care enough about yourself (and child) to stop that process. it hurts to cut loose from that. but in the end it feels so much better than what you are going through NOW.

i KNOW you know all this. i know you know it in your head. it is just still going to be a matter of time until you actually start acting out what you already know.

and as for what you WANT- you can still get that. just not from him. not ever. it is just not possible. and that is heart breaking. and paralizing. and soul crushing. and makes you feel weak and helpless. but that is all a natural process to go through for this type of situation. and a million people can sit there and think- what a stupid girl. cuz that is what they will think. and another handful of people can sit there and say- i know EXACTLY what you are going through. and all the advice in the world won't help you. you just need to live and learn and move on with that lesson to be a better person. and you will. YOU WILL.

[Onyx]

i have been thinking about this alot today. (because of a dream i had last night with my ex in it) and i realized one more thing about all of this-

you really are NOT done with your ex. in your head, you KNOW it is not a heathly "relationship" you have together, but yet you go through the motions still. and i think this is exactly what you need.

it is a lesson you need to teach yourself and you are apparently not done learning it yet. which is not necessarily a bad thing. what is happening right now, yes that is a bad thing. but it is probably something you do need to put yourself through.

it is one thing to KNOW something about a situation, it is another to LIVE through it. you can think all you want about something, but until you go through it you really have no idea.

for me personally it was like this:

right from the beginning there were warning signs i either 1. didn't get, or 2. just ignored. i don't even know now which it was.

i still proceeded to stay with this guy, and have his child. and even be with him after everything was a terrible mess. i used to think "why is he doing this to me?" and then i finally learned he wasn't doing anything to me. i was doing it to myself. i put myself through it by going back for more and more and more. and you know what, i did love him. i really did. and that was part of why i put myself through it. i could see the good in him. even though the bad was so much more. that somehow clouded my vision and i still hung on to the "good" that was there.

i needed to put myself through that though. i learned alot about relationships. i learned alot about myself. and i learned alot about what matters in life. love is not enough. wanting something is not enough.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Wow. I could have written this about myself.

Looking back I can see all my mistakes but at the time I was making them I was too immature and inexperienced to see. I wanted so badly to be loved and have a happy home that I refused to face the fact that nearly every single thing was wrong with the relationship. I have since forgiven myself and moved past most of the ugliness. Our experiences are so much a part of who we are, and I have learned a lot along the way.

(Didn't mean to derail the thread, but it's sort of relevant in that there are a lot of us who have suffered through bad relationships).

I am so much happier and much more at peace now, whether in a relationship or not.

[fallennon]

I really appreciate it you guys. It really helps to know that I am not the only one who had to deal with this, who made a bad choice, or who put herself in this situation. I could have written both of your posts. It makes me feel so much better to realize that I am NOT just a stupid or silly girl. I respect the two of you so much and to realize that you have both been in my shoes gives me hope...and pride. Thank you.