The truth of it all...

[Soulrev]

Material possession. I have lots of things. Furniture, clothing, books, cds, electronics, my computer, my cars... None of them really matter. I don't possess the only thing I want. Her..

If I could trade everything I own to have her I would. The sacrifice she asks of me is too great. I will not sacrifice my future for any person.

Kristina and I have started talking again. She called me Wednesday and I heard her voice for the first time since December 10th.

I don't know. I will never "get over" her, I guess. I will always love her, even with all she has put me through. Though I know a good deal of what she has put me through is because of her bi-polar depression. I also think she needs to grow up. I honestly think she still has the common sense and maturity of a 16 year old, and she is 19 today. She knows nothing about everything and everything about nothing.

So why would I be in love with someone like that? Because I know who she is. If it weren't for her immature faults she would be perfect. I can't begin to describe how happy she makes me. Her simple presence makes me feel like there isn't a care in the world. She lifts my spirits through the roof. She makes me smile. Really smile, not just that fake twitch I make to everyone else. The sound of her voice, the way she looks at me, the way she talks to me...

I just wanted to make sure that when she is ready to grow up, get serious about life, I was there.. But yesterday, I realized the hard truth of it all.

She doesn't want me to leave. She doesn't want me to go back to Wyoming to finish school. She doesn't want me to leave for the ARMY after that. She wants me to stay around here. She doesn't realize the position I am in.

I owe my parents a sum to the tune of 20,000 dollars. Then another 35,000 on top of that for school. I cannot leave this debt on my parents. My student loan payments come out to about 350 a month at the minimum payments which means I'd be paying on them forever.. My parents can't afford to take out another loan for me to go back to school, unless I plan on joining the Army afterwards.

So, basically, my plan right now is to take out another loan, enlist in the Army with a leave date for basic sometime after school, then go to school May 15th, graduate in September, pushups and salutes for the government by October...

Not a bad plan, the Army is going to take over my student loans the day I enlist, so, in about a month. Even the one I'm going to take out in the next couple of weeks. Plus, the sign-on bonus which will take care of the money I owe my parents..

That's the thing. I have a chance for a clean slate. No more debt, plus a college degree, plus military experience. It's a no-brainer, right?

Until you throw her into the picture. I told her after school, and after training, when I get stationed in Kansas (corrections specialist (31E), will be working in Fort Leavenworth only, no going to Iraq or Iran or wherever, either, simply by default of my MOS), but anyway I told her she could come with me. I could easily support her in the military. She doesn't want to leave home she says. She gets homesick. Yet she tells me she does want to leave this state some day. So I think she's just not ready.

But all in all, I have concluded that the hard truth of it all, I'll never get to have her. Our lives (mine especially) are being drawn too far apart. At least that's what I like to think right now, to save my sanity and not dwell on it in my mind.

But really, she thinks I can just stay home and pay off my debts over time and expect to make something of myself with half of an associate's degree and 2 years of management experience? Yeah right! I might be making 40,000 a year by the time I'm 50 if I went that route. Hell with that. My future comes first over anyone or anything.

It just really sucks.

[Brenda Starrr]

It sounds like you have your goals in place and your priorities straight, Brian. I think that's awesome. You do what you have to do to make a future. Whether it's with Kristina or whomever, you know that you will have done the right thing.

[honeymustard02]

She's not ready but you are. You seem to be growing up and making a life and looking foward. Go for it. It's hard but she's not ready and you can't change that. Leave the option open for her to move, but continue what you want to do.

You have a chance at something so GO FOR IT!

[The_Dark]

Dude,

You have your head on straight. Keep it that way... You already know what the right decision is, your just afraid to make it. Don't let her talk you into giving up your hopes and dreams. If she really cares, she'll still be there when you get back.

[kellygrrrrrl]

don't ruin that over a girl.....there will always be girls...

I know not THAT girl....but that is just another page in your book.

Time heals all things.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

very admireable.

very respectable Soulrev!

But it is a sad story of the heart. I feel sad for you.

=)

[Hellion]

:cheerful Hopefully everything works out for both of you.

[Steven]

a couple of things:

you sound twisted over this gal because you know her deeply.

Don't confuse that (ever) for quality.

In time you'll know others, and need to be able to develop this same depth with people who have something to offer.

"if she didint have this isssue or that issue she'd be perfect"

but she's not (perfect).

In fact perfect does not exist.

However - she sounds like she has a great deal to learn.

Your going into the military.

You have no clue.

Everything in your head and life will twist.

everything will be new.

the last thing you need - is a disfunctional distraction.

Start Over.

With a full commitment to just that - starting over.

[TygerLili]

It sounds like you are making a wise and mature decision.

Sometimes even when you love someone, you have to let them work through their issues on their own, and try to sort out your own life. If you are meant to be together, maybe you will be in the future, when you've both had time to grow as individuals.

[saechalyn]

Sometimes even when you love someone, you have to let them work through their issues on their own, and try to sort out your own life. If you are meant to be together, maybe you will be in the future, when you've both had time to grow as individuals.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's some great advice right there.