about nvayne

[JaneDead]

i wish someone knew something! i am super torn up about this and sick to my stomach.

and my poor kids keep asking me why i am crying and if i am ok. i wish there was a way to explain this to them. so they knew it was not about me but about how sad i am about such a sweet person having to suffer.

[Onyx]

Oh man.

I had no idea Laura was even sick again. Just ten days ago she was posting in her LiveJournal?

I am going to try to get at least few dollars together by next week. Here is the link again if anyone needs it.

http://www.thepalecourt.com/sos.html

I know Daniel has had to take a whole lot of time off work and Laura hasn't been able to work with the long recovery she had been making.

I remember Laura had posted that they were so happy together. I am so sad for Laura, and for Daniel :(

[Head Wreck]

in her prev relationships she did feel left out. i'm happy daniel and laura found each other.

[Head Wreck]

i've just been told by cliff, who got word from daniel. Laura passed away a couple of hours ago.

right now i just want to be with Robyn at the moment.

she died peacfully and with someone who loved her and whom she loved.

i just wish i would go out like that

[Onyx]

in her prev relationships she did feel left out.  i'm happy daniel and laura found each other.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes. It is wonderful that she and Daniel have had a happy season together.

"For once in my life I am with someone I'm attracted to on all levels.... physiclly, mentally and spiritually... there are no doubts or insecurities on my part and that's a new one for me. I have found real love."

Laura really said it all there.

I feel so helpless. I wish I could do something, anything. :(

[JaneDead]

i don't know what else to do or say but cry.

[Brenda Starrr]

Oh, my God.........

[torn asunder]

as always, i have no words... wish i had the chance to know her.

[Nienna]

The little communication I had with her was delightful. What a loss...

[torn asunder]

as i spent the night, i felt a cheat...

the time i had to enjoy friends, hung heavy.

my life, as usual, splintered into drunken fragments.

i felt the need to toast my pain.

for one who never pretends to understand,

the loss is bitter,

and wholly confusing.

i am here, yet saints pass on;

i am whole, yet life is not.

i ache for the soul i've never known,

and the sadness that engulfs me

the world thrives on the beauty of souls

that show us the way to peace and love,

without concern for individual markers.

i wish to frame this life,

in manners that entreat,

peace to all, and love unbound;

no matter the cost, or hurt,

life loves, and will show the way

to true beauty, as she showed,

to all she knew. and so, i smile,

as she'd have wanted,

i send her love, and know she's here,

i ask forgiveness for my rambling words;

i have no gift of which to share,

a soul can touch all that it sees,

my heart, a bleeding stain on fields

too long apart from loving hearts,

and now, my life, as shallow it is,

cries out for life, the things i miss...

please excuse me, it's been a long, inebriated night...

[Brenda Starrr]

Beautiful. :

[Lilith]

my love and prayers go out to all her friends and family

From the post i too wish i had known her

i am sorry i dont know what else to say any word i have just seem futile at this moment

perhaps knowing that such a good soul is now out there on your side, keeping watch with out the peramiters of mortal life.........

i am just so sorry i wish i could help but i am at a loss

[Daniel]

First off, I thank all of you so, so, so much for all the kind words, support and thoughts. It makes me feel really good to know other people have been touched by Laura, and that people love her. And I promise you, because it was one of the last things she effectively communicated to me, her friends were very important to her, and she loves them very much. I sincerely hope to read more about your experiences with her, as I am finding that hearing about, and absorbing who Laura was to be about as good as therapy as I can get right now.

Also, Laura didn't know I was posting her journal, but one thing that is important for you to know is that Laura and I were perfectly close, and we had implicit trust and devotion with each other. I know she would have approved of me posting in her journal (I have her password, remember), and she always, always trusted my judgement in all matters. And for those of you that don't know, I am the same Daniel that used to post on DGN as "Obsequious". Laura and I did, in fact, start talking to each other via this message board, but our online interaction was very brief (almost just an introduction), before we met and got to know each other in person.

Just so all of you know, Laura passed very peacefully and with more love in the world than any one person could ever hope to have. She literally passed while my arms were around her, I held her left hand in mine, and her mother's hand in my other. My grandmother, mother and father were there, who she was extremely close with. My grandmother and Laura were both going through very heavy medical treatments at the same time, and they both have very similar hearts. They were true birds of a feather and loved each other very much. So much that Laura cried almost every time she talked to my grandmother. Laura made it clear to me that she wanted them there with her.

Other than about a two hour period where I came home to sort of eat and clean up, I was with her from 11am Sunday morning until she passed around Monday, just before 4pm. I held her hand and talked to her. Sunday she was awake quite a bit, and I told her everything that was going on. She slept a lot Sunday night, and when she woke up around 7am, I re-explained what was going on, told her what it would mean if we took the tube out, and what it meant if we didn't. I reaffirmed my promise to her that I would be with her until the end (which is a promise I made to her a long time ago), one way or the other. She told me, in very definite terms, that she wanted the tube taken out. Her doctor (who she has been seeing for a while now), who is an amazing, wonderful human being, also asked her twice, and she told him yes as well. I am certain she understood what it meant. It was sort of a chance for a peaceful, loving passing, vs a drawn out, painful ordeal. She didn't need to experience that, and Laura was such a strong person... I know she understood and we all made the right decision.

I left her briefly while they took the tube out, which she said was ok. I came back and she seemed distressed. I asked her if she was in pain, and she said she wasn't. I asked if she was comfortable, and she didn't give me much of a reply. I asked if she was still glad that we removed the tube, and she nodded a very positive "yes". At this point, I kissed her all over, and rubber her head, and held her hand for many hours. I told her... I don't want to repeat everything I told her, but in brief, she has no question about how much I love her, nor do I have any question about her love for me. I talked to her, and guided her, as she fell asleep.

I am positive she passed in her sleep. I had the nurse up the medication a lot, because while she said she wasn't in pain, it looked a little painful. I couldn't bear her feeling any pain, and we said good bye the best way we could. Plus, her oxygen levels were so low, her brain couldn't possibly have been functioning correctly. I still guided her out of this life, telling her to stop suffering and that it was ok to let go, and be at peace. I cried much less as she passed than I did when she was awake, because I was glad I knew she was no longer in any pain, which she clearly was in before.

Laura was my special little Siddhartha, my little buddha. She lived sort of an adventurous, odyssey of a life, and in the end, she found real true love and compassion, was at peace with her self, and the world. She touched many people through her works, and through her words. While we were not legally married, in both of our eyes, we were. Our bond was, is, and always will be unbreakable. I miss her more than anyone can ever know, and waking up without her this morning was nearly as difficult as watching her leave the world yesterday.

I will be posting a lot of stuff about Laura including some of her art, photography, and works, as well as pictures of her and other thoughts (as well as a lot of this post) in her journal at http://www.livejournal.com/users/nvayne

Part of doing this is for you, and so you can remember her, and part of it is for me, because exploring the person I love so dearly is going to be an important part of me rebuilding my life. Also, as such, I wouldn't mind, sometime soon, getting together with some of her friends who are close to Detroit. Maybe this week, maybe next, I am not sure. Feel free to email me at dt10111@yahoo.com

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts, love and support. You are all wonderful people, and I wish Laura could have known you more.

[JaneDead]

thank you for that post daniel. and thank you for thinking of us during all of this. i look forward to you sharing more about her through her art and photography.

[Brenda Starrr]

Yes, Daniel. Thank you. You are an unselfish soul. Love from Baltimore, MD.

[Marblez]

Thanks for posting Daniel. I apologize for not knowing that you and she were together. I did not know Laura in person. I will not pretend that I did. Save for a few IM's and a telephone greeting, my exposure to her was via her posts on the board. She was a lovely woman on DGN as in true life I am sure.

I realize that you may not be christian and I am sure that you wil hear this over and over but I will say that I am confident that she is in a better place and will look out for you and all that touched her life.

Just over a year ago, I had the unwelcome experience of watching my mother as she was in her final moments. As much as I would have liked her to still be here and healthy, I now enjoy the fact that she is at peace and not suffering as she was. I am content that you do or will feel the same.

I sincerely hope that your work is understanding of your situation and that you are able to regain quickly some financial confidence. I will be sending you a message via PM which I hope you will read soon including an offer which I hope you will consider.

[Fierce Critter]

:unhappy:

[Onyx]

Daniel, thank you so much for taking the time to let us know what happened, and sharing your thoughts and memories with us. It has taken me since yesterday to make it through reading it all because my eyes keep filling with tears, both because of what a great loss to suffer and also because of how happy Laura was with you.

I remember chatting with Laura one day when you two had first met and were just getting to know each other, and she was saying how much fun you were having together, how pleased she was, and that there were plans for you both to meet each other's families. I remember she was so excited to move to Detroit and be near you with friends nearby.

She was an amazing person, artistic with her clothing designs, intelligent, and beautiful inside and out. Laura was so much fun to talk to, always had something interesting to talk or write about, and I will miss her a lot.

I know you already know this, but you brought a lot of joy to Laura's life, just as she brought a lot of joy to those around her. It is comforting to know she was with people who loved her when it was time for her to leave this world.

[mallochai]

From an outsiders standpoint, I remember the first day Daniel and Laura met, as it followed a long day in a car driving back from Ohio with her. My happiness for the two of you outlasts this tragedy, though my sympathies are with you Daniel. Of course, I cannot begin to imagine your pain. Laura was indeed a beautiful woman.

My sympathies also to all of you who met her and were in her life.