I need help

[wheresmypiggy]

I don't have alot of friends. Plenty of people who think that they are but if a bus full of explosives was heading right for us they would only save themselves.

I've made posts about my drug addicitions. My depressions and my medical problems.

I need help.

I'm clean right now. Have been for over a month. Its alot harder this time.

I got really depressed last December. Not unusual. But it refuses to let up this time. I keep telling myself everything is ok. But its not. I'm sure one day it will get better but this is the present. The time is now.

I'm not too familair with the health care sysetm right now. I have no insurance. A part time job which barely pays the rent now. A warrant out for my arrest because I violated my probation. I need to get into some kind of placement. Sacred heart will only take me if I am an addict at the present time.

I've worked very hard my whole life to sustain of feeling of normal. I can't do it anymore. I'm on the brink of giving up. I can't stand crying. I can't stand the pain I feel daily. (Physically and emotionally).

I guess I'm just not strong enough. John stands by me 100% but its not fair to him. He makes me very happy but its just not enough. I need help.

I don't want to wind up a junkie again. Or addicted to anything else. But I can't eat, sleep, sit still. I'm never comfortable. I'm always on the verge of tears. I feel like my insides are ripping out. I throw up constantly.

I can't get over being sick if I cant get over being depressed and vice versa.

Does anyone know of anywhere that can help me. Its only a matter of time before I break. I'm worried. Genuinely worried.

I need help.

First step: admittance

Second step: ask for help

Third step: get the help

I'm on step 2....

[Brenda Starrr]

Jesi....

It takes a lot of courage to admit that you need help. I wish that I was there to help you. I would help make the calls, go with you if you needed it. Because there was once someone in my life who needed it, and I didn't know what to do. Now, I know. Unfortunately, the only place I know of is in Philly.

I hope that you DO find the help that you need. You're a good person who deserves to have a healthy life. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Blackmail]

what kind of help do you need, you didn't seem to specify. Is N.A. the kind of thing you're looking for? If you need medical help there is a free hospital in Pontial and a free clinic in Detroit, I can look up the names if that is what you need.

[Guest Megalicious]

I need help.

Trust me, Ive been through this more then once. . This is really the first step to being clean for life.

I'm clean right now. Have been for over a month. Its alot harder this time.

Jesi... I'm sorry to say this but you are always going to be an addict. Its something that some of us live with everyday, the urge is always there ... its just a matter of how strong it is. You must be strong. You need a support system, if need be let all your old H friends go, and even though I know that is SO hard ..because some ppl you know and love very much, but you must do what is good for you in the long run. Join an N/A group or join a therapy group to recovering addict and substance abuse. You need positive support.

I can't do it anymore. I'm on the brink of giving up. I can't stand crying. I can't stand the pain I feel daily. (Physically and emotionally).

This sound more like some kind of disorder, if you have been clean since Dec, the physically withdraws have come and gone .. its all mental now. Not to sound like a bitch but your posts always seem to be about your self distructive behavior ... You need help with more then just getting clean, you need swap out and or relearn how to deal and cope with things in a healthy manner, you need to see someone about your mental health, Im sorry if it seems mean Im not trying to be Im only trying to be truthful. I cant help you if I all I do is tell you what you want to hear.

He makes me very happy but its just not enough..

You have to be happy with yourself before someone else can make you happy, and right now you dont sound to happy. Im not saying your blaming John for not being enough, but you have to realize in the condition you are in, thinking like this can only have a negitive effect on your already fragile condition, because on top of everything you feel gulit .. because you know John is trying, you end up feeling gulity because you know it should make you feel better, yet doesn't .... and thats an added stress you don't need.

Does anyone know of anywhere that can help me. Its only a matter of time before I break. I'm worried. Genuinely worried.

What county are you in? Wayne? They have some county programs that can help you, you can get free therapy, find a support group for substance abuse and possible get on meds if you feel you really need them.... If you want you can PM and we can go through your options togther. It nice to have someone to lean on in time of need...

I know EXACTLY what you are going through Jesi, I have been there before and I know how hard it can be when you feel you have no friends and no support system what so ever... if you need me I am here ..

I need help.

First step: admittance

Second step: ask for help

Third step: get the help

I'm on step 2....

If you need the help Im here for you, staying clean is hard, it takes so much work especaily the first year. But with the right positive support and the right outlook you can do it ... you just have to remain strong. I know thats hard sometimes.... but you can do it.

[Onyx]

I can't really offer any advice since I've not been through it, but it sounds like Meg knows just what you are going through so I hope you'll consider talking to her.

I do know what you mean about "friends" who aren't really friends. I've had to cut some people out of my life, including a couple of family members I've decided to avoid. Real friends are rare and precious.

It sounds like you are on the right track.

((((hugs))))

[Marblez]

Jesi,

First off, I have not been where you are. I don't have near the difficulties that you have to get through and I consider even MY life to be difficult at times. I don't envy you and hope that you can get through this with as much sanity as possible.

Please take this as the best possible help that I can give. I know it will not be easily taken. Look at your list of issues and determine what is the most important.

I am just climbing out of SERIOUS financial trouble. I had to determine what was going to have the largest impact if it did not get paid. So, to assist with saving the money to pay off the association that had a lien and was ready to sell my house for what I owed them, I cut (among other things) my internet and home phone. What good is a phone line if I don't have a place to live?

I suggest that you look at your problems the same way.

Drug problem - You have a drug problem that you are dealing with - GREAT you are dealing with it. That one is already on it's way. Keep up the good work.

Depression - You have depression issues that need to be addressed. Look for the external causes of that like stress about your finances, your apartment, stress about your drug problem, stress about the "friends" you keep and see what poisons you can rid yourself of there. Then focus on whether you have a chemical problem causing the depression. Otherwise, if you see a doctor for depression, get some meds (that you can't afford) they won't be helping your drug problem and could quite possible mask the other environmental issues causing your depression making them seem more OK.

Imagine feeling this way... "Lose my job (I'm not depressed), nowhere to live (I'm not depressed), my friends don't care (I'm not depressed), got me some drugs (woo I'm feeling good!"

Friends - It is likely that these "friends" are the same ones that you were doing drugs with. I know how difficult it is to be an ex-smoker when my friends are lighting up - I couldn't imagine how stressful and difficult that would be to quit stronger drugs and still be with the same people that I did THAT with. These people shouldn't necessarily be totally cut from your life if you care about them - but try introducing yourself to a different scene - something more healthful for you. Go to social functions at a local church (I realize this may be stretching a bit) but you might find that a change of environment will make other parts of your life easier to handle as well.

I would consider handling this last one FIRST:

A warrant out for my arrest because I violated my probation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Get it over with on your terms. Turn yourself in now rather than waiting for the ball to drop. Living in fear has got to be horrible and THE most depressing thing on your list.

Think about it this way - your depression is kicked, your friends are awesome, your job doubles your salary and you have been clean for a year!! All of a sudden you are pulled over for a taillight being out. You go to jail, are exposed to junkies of all kinds, lose your job and your friends - well they suck again because, well they just suck.

All the other stuff can wait. This one IS NOT going away no matter how long you wait or how much better your life gets. It will only get worse and continue to eat you up as you are constantly looking over your shoulder.

Sorry this was so long but when I get rolling on this high horse of mine it is hard to stop. Kidding (mostly). And good luck with it all.

[Draco1958]

Jesi, let me start of by saying I admire your strength to 1. admit what you have, 2. willingness to seek advice/help from others and 3. your determination to win. I won't say I understand since my only addiction is cigs so I won't lie. As stated before, Wayne County does help free mental health services to help with the depression and such. Contact this group. They help those with no insurance get medical help and such. Tthey are located in Caro, Mi but the group handles the whole state. Julie @ 734.347.1462 for guidance on how to get health care and apply for coverage.

Note: forwarded message attached.

Julie Jernigan-Ahmed

734.347.1462

Z.I.A.D. Healthcare for the Underserved, Inc.

P.O. Box 112

Caro, MI 48723

www.ziadhealthcare.org

I don't know if this will help ot not but it's worth a phone call to try. I wish you the best. My yahoo info is in my profile, I'm usually on late at night, sometimes running invisible. If you ever need to just vent and you want to give your B/F a break, message me, I'll listen and won't be judgemental. I'll do what I can to help. And I believe alot of people here would pull you out of the way of that truck. Take care and stay strong.

[Steven]

Hi Jesi.

i dont want to add confusion to the mix, but i would like to at least suggest a couple of things, and you are free to do with it what you will, but I would not say these thigns to you if you did not have value to me....

1st - your blunt honesty is a gift, a tool, as is your intellect. Use that same honesty with yoursef - as this is true humility - the ability to self assess......and humility is strength.

2 - think hard on who your getting advice from, and what type of advice. I know you dont trust many people. I actually think thats wise. But your no dummy either. Can you trust a working example? In other words - can you recognize those who are living lives of progression and glean from that? Doesent matter where they come from, as truth is truth or it cannot sustain itself despite all of the great theories in the world. A great example of that is Marblez and her advice. She is not defined by her mistakes, but by her ability and willingess to deal and this is why she has wisdom and why she has my respect. So I ask you - who do you respect, and why?

3 - I HAVE been exactly where your at. But.....so have many others. and the hard truth is that everyone has their own recipe for success, and their own theories, and their own agendas...even I do babe. So choose wisely, and pay attention (very close attention) the the words and phrases that roll off their tongues. Not everyone who is clean, is living well. In fact just being clean - is not enough to live well, as you allready know, you can be clean, and in hell. Most people I know, live shiny American defeated lives. And about a thrid of them know it.

4 - Once an addict always an addict is one of the bviggest lies ever told to mankind. This is the common beleif. And I beleive it is a trap, self limiting, and self defeating in the end because it reinforces a great deal of fear and over phsychoanylitical shelving of the self. IE - you build a box (addict) and live in it fro the rest of yoru life.....here's my boundry - I cannot possibly move beyond this boundry. I do not beleive that once an addict always an addict. I beleive that once I was an addict - a multiple addict, for many years. And now I am not. Again, for many years. It does not fit the self help profile, I know....but you are not a typical person Jesi - you are unique - and therefore better equipped than you realize in the now.

5 - what you've done so far....all that you beleive...all that you've experienced....survived.....understand...has brought you to what summerization? Jesi is who? Jesi is what? In other words.......what you beleive - does it work? Is there any chance - any chance at all - that perhaps you need something more? Or that you've been mislead? Why have you experienced what you have? It has brought you to what point? Strength or defeat? Power or faithlessness?

6 - You called me once to help me with someone - I know you remember this. And another time - you DID help me a great deal with someone and it touched you when I told you about it. I know you remember this too. And you should know that it touched me, personally, to watch you reach out and for me to see a wee crack in your armor - that made me very proud of you and filled me with hope for you. I used that - for strength of my own. And I think you need to get back to that place. I think that its critical for you.

7 - You have no idea of your true potential, because of spiritual starvation, which is soul sickness. You were starved deliberately, to bring you to this place of brokeness, but it was not God who starved you. Forgive me for being so bold in stating to you what i beleive, but somone said it to me once, or more than once, when I was like you. And I was angry about it, until I couldent be anymore, because it was simply the truth. Despite everything I so passionaltely beleived....I was starving, and it was killing me.

8 - I've told you before that you are welcome in my home. I'm giving you my home number here publically: 734 266 2123 because I dont know if you check your private PM's. If someone wants to abuse it, they will, I dont really care.

9 - dont disregard or belittle your tears. Tears are not weakness, and in the end, they cleanse.

10 - I'm sorry that your having such a hard time, I truly am. And I'd really love to see you.

Steven

[wheresmypiggy]

My addiction is not what worries me most. I know I can battle that. That is all a matter of mind. I make that choice daily.

What makes that choice more difficult is how I feel emotionally and physically daily. Its not detox feelings. Something is wrong. I used to be in and out of institutions.

Bi-polar disorder (manic depressive), ADHD, Emotional impairment, inability to express feelings or emotions.

I've blocked out all the bad that happened in my early childhood. They put me into hypnosis in my teens and it all came flooding back.

I'm not saying my life is anymore difficult than anyone elses. I have had a good life. I'm a good person. Something is chemically wrong in my head and I need help.

I'm tired. I'm losing hope. And honestly i'm getting to the point where I just dont care anymore.

The drug addiction was merely my way out. I got caught up in it and pulled myself out. Drinking became my salvation. Then I got mixed up with a very not so good person and started doing heroin again. Even though it was only once in awhile I was still an addict again. But I felt level again. But I knew that I was disappointing my family and friends. So I quit again. But everyday I just want it over. I just want/need help. Maybe this makes me weak but I know my limits and my breaking points and I passed them long ago.

I'm not suicidal. I'm just giving up. Don't know which is worse.

I will never say I know where anyone has been or how they feel. We all handle things differently.

I'm not worried about the drug addictions. I'm clean and am forcing myself daily to stay that way until I can get the help that I need. I used to be on lithium and it helped tremendously. It also wore a big hole in the wallet.

I will take each suggestion you have all left and try and find myself some help. I appreciate your help. I've never felt so vunerable before. Sometimes you never know how much you have affected someones life. Throughout the sarcasm, jokes, advice and opinions you have all helped me tremendously, even those of you whom I have not met.

Thank you.

[Steven]

Giving up is worse Jesi.

a suggestion to ponder.......if it appeals to you.....

chemical imbalance in the brain - can cause what your feeling, but what your feeling can also cause the imbalance in your brain.

so you'll choose your starting point for healing as appeals to you, as you should.

But remember the box along the way. Its full of euphamisms and titles and credentials and parabolas.

none of which, are you.

be well babe.

Steven

[Brenda Starrr]

Steven is right. And, you're stronger than you think.

[Shade Everdark]

I wish I had something more constructive to offer than just sympathy.

For what it's worth, I give you that.

[Hellion]

You know that I will always be your friend no matter what.You have been very good to me in the past,and I highly respect you 100%.I hope you feel better and everything gets better for you.I have been in your position before and I know how it is.PM if you want to talk. :cheerful

[wheresmypiggy]

I feel extremely detached today.

I can't stop vomiting.

I made a few calls yesterday. I didn't qualify.

I'll try a few more places tomorrow.

You spend your whole life convincing everyone everything is alright. It doesnt seem that they want to listen when you need the help.

I'm looking for another job so that I may acquire insurance. This may take time but at least its a back up plan if I can't get the help otherwise.

Those of you who have offered a kind ear. I hope that you were sincere, I will be taking advantage of your kindness. I need people to talk to. An outlet. Some outside input. I guess really, I need support.

All of you who have offered me help so far, I hope that one day I can repay your kindness.

Thank you.

[ZhukovCodeslinger]

Dont quit trying, find what works for you. Everyone is just a little different. There are plenty of people here in DGN and at DCC that are more than willing to help and support you. Dont hesitate to take advantage of that support.

[Steven]

I feel extremely detached today.

I can't stop vomiting.

I made a few calls yesterday. I didn't qualify.

I'll try a few more places tomorrow.

You spend your whole life convincing everyone everything is alright. It doesnt seem that they want to listen when you need the help.

I'm looking for another job so that I may acquire insurance. This may take time but at least its a back up plan if I can't get the help otherwise.

Those of you who have offered a kind ear. I hope that you were sincere, I will be taking advantage of your kindness. I need people to talk to. An outlet. Some outside input. I guess really, I need support.

All of you who have offered me help so far, I hope that one day I can repay your kindness.

Thank you.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you need tacos to go with that?

Cause we both know I owe ya..........

Steven

[wheresmypiggy]

I'm so down for tacos. If you have a day free and I can find a day where I'm ok enough to drag myself out of the house we'll do tacos.

[Steven]

I'm so down for tacos. If you have a day free and I can find a day where I'm ok enough to drag myself out of the house we'll do tacos.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

cool. I SO owe you tacos babe.

and if your down, no worries, i'll carry you.

you gotta hold my tacos though.

Steve

[wheresmypiggy]

I have finally located somewhere that will take me on an inpatitent basis.

I called and got my authorization number. I call back on Tuesday to find out where I'm at on the waiting list. Once in I will be gone anywhere from 7 to 21 days.

I'm scared and excited all at the same time. They wanted me to do immediate hospitalization because of the suicide attempt but I get married on 5/26/06 and absolutely refused to miss my own wedding. So I stitched up my own arm (btw it looks professional) and put myself on the waiting list. I won't have to wait long. about 10 days.

Wish me luck

[Head Wreck]

good luck jessi. heres hopes on a better cleaner future

and good luck on the wedding too

[Steven]

I have finally located somewhere that will take me on an inpatitent basis.

I called and got my authorization number. I call back on Tuesday to find out where I'm at on the waiting list. Once in I will be gone anywhere from 7 to 21 days.

I'm scared and excited all at the same time. They wanted me to do immediate hospitalization because of the suicide attempt but I get married on 5/26/06 and absolutely refused to miss my own wedding. So I stitched up my own arm (btw it looks professional) and put myself on the waiting list. I won't have to wait long. about 10 days.

Wish me luck

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

this is good news Jesi, I'm glad.

Monday is my (everyones) day off.

Can I take you for Tacos Monday evening????

Steven

[Steven]

I have finally located somewhere that will take me on an inpatitent basis.

I called and got my authorization number. I call back on Tuesday to find out where I'm at on the waiting list. Once in I will be gone anywhere from 7 to 21 days.

I'm scared and excited all at the same time. They wanted me to do immediate hospitalization because of the suicide attempt but I get married on 5/26/06 and absolutely refused to miss my own wedding. So I stitched up my own arm (btw it looks professional) and put myself on the waiting list. I won't have to wait long. about 10 days.

Wish me luck

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I just called the number you gave me a long time ago and left a message - hope you got it........

[wheresmypiggy]

As the day to call draws nearer things are getting harder. I'm excited to go. But I'm scared.

You know what they told me to do? "Keep doing what you are doing. Do what you have to do. If you come in while you are detoxing we will have to stabalize you again before we can proceed"

Basically keep getting high so we can do our job. It makes sense but I'm going crazy.

I was on my way to pick up John from his second job when all of a sudden I started crying. I noticed my tears and thought nothing of them. Next thing I know I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Crying uncontrolably. Scary part was, it felt like an out of body experience. I was outside the car looking back in on myself clutching the steering wheel.

When I arrived at Johns work I couldn't look him in the eye. By the time I got home my whole body was convulsing from trying to hold in my anger.

I didn't know what was wrong! Why is this getting harder and harder.

My stitches itchhe

[Homicidalheathen]

I went to ACOA and they were very helpful. A good place to make freinds. It was at the church of Today in Warren on 11 ML at Hoover

But you do have freinds, you have us and we are here for ya.

[wheresmypiggy]

I leave tonight (Tuesday) at 6pm. I have no idea how long i will be gone. They said to pack a few weeks worth of clothes. I'm scared and excited.

Its all kinda crazy. I just got married on Friday and already I have to leave my husband for an extended peroid of time. He is so supportive. I guess he gets to visit me once a week. If I'm good that is lol.

I'll let you know when I get back.