Domestic Abuse

[Dirtywhispers]

I dont know how many of you know but last weekend I told a few of you that I was gonna be getting married, well things kinda went bad yesterday and he got pretty violent with me. I know some of you will be dissapointed in me and i'm sorry but, I just wanted to help him. Now I more want to help anyone in that situation. A little advice guys cause i'm not doin to good and it kills me to admit that.

[ManicQueen]

My advice to you is to leave. It's not going to get any better no matter what he say's. Is this the first time? Would he agree to couples therapy?

I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 9 years. I was in and out of the hospital. Things never changed, even when he went to jail a number of times.

I don't know your situation or how long you've been together.. it doesn't matter. You have to look out for yourself and if there are kids involved, they don't need to be in that kind of environment.

If you ever want to talk send me an PM or an IM. =)

[pharoh]

For you two to have a healthy relationship, he needs to find the courage to go to anger management classes, not to mention a shrink. If he doesn't want to do any of that, then at that point your bags should be packed.

A couple should not have one of them fearing the other, and in my opinion if he did it once, then he'll do it again. You have to ask yourself if he hits me cause he's mad, what else is he capable of doing? When you really think about it, it comes all down to self preservation.

Of course there are a couple of women I've known that waited till there guy fell asleep and the beat them with a cast iron pan...not that I would recommend that, but it the men never raised thier hand to them again.

It all comes down to is he loving of you enough to get help, and if not how many beatings will you take before you wise up and leave the person. It's never as easy as that I know, but I wish you luck.

[Dirtywhispers]

Well he's not a bad guy he's 24 we've been together 2 1/2 years on and off but he was raised to believe it was ok, his father looked me dead in the face and told me it was his place to beat and degrade women. We dont have any kids thank god, I cant get pregnant. He has gotten violent with me once b4 and he has tried to get help but he's just one of those people who was raised to believe its weak to admit your wrong. 24 years of one way is hard to get rid of. I know he loves me and I watched my dad go from being an abusive asshole to the most wonderful man on the planet, but he said if it wernt for my mom he would have never made it, and thats what makes me stay.

[honeymustard02]

Just because your father changed doesn't mean he will.

If he's tried to get help and it hasn't worked or he doesn't really admit there's a problem then there's not a lot left to choose from.

I say leave and see if that makes him wake up and fix it. This is NOT your problem to fix. This is something only HE can change.

I saw somewhere that girls who grew up with abusive fathers tend to go for abusive guys. The reason being is little girls want to fix their fathers. They can't so they transfer that to their own relationships and it's bad.

Abuse is abuse no matter which way you look at it. No matter what spin you put on it. Get out now before it gets worse. Staying with him will only show him that there can be a next time and you won't leave. It will make him think you're ok with it and that he won't have to fix the problem. And that's not right.

[Dirtywhispers]

I agree but as hard as it is to stay with him it's even harder to be without him.

[honeymustard02]

Sweety try saying that if it comes to him breaking your bones. Or how about leaving that as your last words to your family if they have to bury you because of this person.

It's hard but I'm sure you have people around you to help. You're not alone. There are support groups out there for this.

People convince themselves that they can't live without certain people. If that is true how did you make it before knowing this person? You'll make it after then too.

[pharoh]

Jen now your defending him, it's wrong and you know it, if he won't change, and you pretty much admit he won't change than you know what you gotta do...

Some people in this world are just assholes, you have to keep looking and not settle for this. I'm not trying to be a dick, and I am a very blunt individual, but look, it's either you leave him cause he won't get help, or you stay and take your beatings. either way your not going to change him, and if your not careful, there are plenty of assholes that will take his place.

[Steven]

Well he's not a bad guy he's 24 we've been together 2 1/2 years on and off but he was raised to believe it was ok, his father looked me dead in the face and told me it was his place to beat and degrade women. We dont have any kids thank god, I cant get pregnant. He has gotten violent with me once b4 and he has tried to get help but he's just one of those people who was raised to believe its weak to admit your wrong. 24 years of one way is hard to get rid of. I know he loves me and I watched my dad go from being an abusive asshole to the most wonderful man on the planet, but he said if it wernt for my mom he would have never made it, and thats what makes me stay.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

careful.

I hear excuses brewing.

your in danger.

of getting your ass beat for good.

but worse - of wasting your time and accepting bad programming.

[FarrIL]

Jen, leave him.

For your own safety, leave him. DO NOT waste your time with him!! His dad even taught him that it's okay to beat women. That it's okay to leave bruises.

That it's okay to beat you so you need medical attention.

No, it's not okay. I've made it a point to not give abusive people the time of day and that includes men who beat women, be them wives, fiancees, sisters, daughters, whatever.

You dont deserve this and you should know it.

He's hit you. Regardless of how long the two of you have been together, he's hit you. He's damaged you and he's damaged the relationship. With every hit you take, that just makes that situation that much worse.

Leave him.

Again, for your own safety, leave him.

[Draco1958]

DW, I know we only met once but I feel I have to say something. You are a sweet lady and deserve to be treated as a person, not a punching bag which is where it could end up as. Protect yourself and walk away while you can. If he gets help and get things under control, you can always get back with him. As much as it may hurt to be without him, you have to remember how much IT could hurt being with him. In this situation you have to think of your own well being first and foremost. I hate what ifs but you have to consider them in this situation...What if I don't do dinner on time or quite right?, What if I say something wrong or he just takes it wrong?, What if I am talking to a male friend and he gets mad? You have to consider these because in the long run, it's your life in danger. I don't want to say you have to do these things, however as someone who hopes to be a good friend to you someday, I would hate to lose that chance so I am asking you to please carefully think about what others are saying. be sure of what you decide to do because it could be the last decision you make and I would miss your smile. I know I got a little sappy, but friends do that.

[Brenda Starrr]

Leave him. It will NEVER change. And to be a part of a family where his father says it's okay to beat and degrade women??? Fuck that. I couldn't be in the same room with that POS. Save yourself. Please, Jen. Run. You deserve so much better.

[Guest Megalicious]

I agree but as hard as it is to stay with him it's even harder to be without him.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGHT TO KNOW YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS JEN!!!

As hard as it may be a first with out him is it really worth living in fear of him beating you? I know it's hard honey, especialy when you love someone so much. I can't say I know what your siutation is like, my ex was pretty bad, but one thing he NEVER did was hit me, and I dont think it was because he wasn't capable .. I know for a fact it was becasue he was affarid of what my brother would do to him.

I went through so much shit with Bob, lying, cheating, stealing, him spending our rent money on drugs, such is the life of an addict .. and one day as much as I know that I loved him .. I knew I had to make a choice ... it was him or me .. and god damn it ... it was me.

Please love and respect yourself enough to choose YOU Jen .. it took me way to long to realize it .. Ill be dammed if Im going to sit here and tell you that he will change, that things will get better. .. as much as love can do it cannot change the way he is ... nor can you "love" enough for the both of you. That does NOT work.

As hard as it is to be alone sometimes you need it. You need to be alone to learn new things from yourself . To grow alone.

I don't want to see you emotionaly hurting, but I'd rather see that then one day atttending your funeral. =( Think about it Jen. I hope you can make the right choice for YOU.

[Onyx]

I was raised to believa a lot of things that I've rejected. That's just another excuse. He is an adult and is choosing to behave that way no matter how he was raised.

Now that it's out in the open and those who have read this know what has happened to you, maybe that will give you enough support to get away. Not many abusers change, but whether he changes later or not you need to get away for now. Staying with him is just encouraging him to stay the way he is.

[Head Wreck]

strike a woman and your not a man. its wrong and dishonourable. you can do much better

[Msterbeau]

Just because your father changed doesn't mean he will.

If he's tried to get help and it hasn't worked or he doesn't really admit there's a problem then there's not a lot left to choose from.

I say leave and see if that makes him wake up and fix it. This is NOT your problem to fix. This is something only HE can change.

I saw somewhere that girls who grew up with abusive fathers tend to go for abusive guys. The reason being is little girls want to fix their fathers. They can't so they transfer that to their own relationships and it's bad.

Abuse is abuse no matter which way you look at it. No matter what spin you put on it. Get out now before it gets worse. Staying with him will only show him that there can be a next time and you won't leave. It will make him think you're ok with it and that he won't have to fix the problem. And that's not right.

This is so right on Jen. I would council you to leave until he's made significant progress resolving his issues around abuse and his father's attitude... It's not worth the risk to yourself physically and emotionally, no matter how you justify it.

[DarkChylde]

Assholes like him really thinks it will resolve anything just to beat on there wives/girlfriends. It doesnt resolve shit! All it does is just make the situation alot worse and the women to fear the bastards even more. I could never wish that upon my gf, I rather just leave the house and walk a couple blocks than beat on her. How can anyone be comfy being with somone who's just gonna be afraid instead of love? I sure as hell could never live with the guilt yet never forgive myself.

For guys who have anger issues this is whut y'all need to realize and think. Do y'all want your spouse to love you? Or just be afraid of you and live in the fear you created on her?

See, when people like that say "I love you even if I hit you". NO THEY DONT!! They only say that to succumb and be a slave to there own hell, even though they may not say. But they do get a thrill to bring suffer and pain.

Jen, I've known you for awhile and I know deep down inside your alot stronger than that. You can get away!! Dont let him succomb you like how other innocent women became victims to this. ITS TIME FOR THE CYCLE OF ABUSE TO BE BROKEN!!

In this day and age it may seem 90% of the men have been demonized, but there are some good ones out there, ya just have to be patient and strong. Dont try to look, atleast one will come to you eventually. When he does, do some serious soul search on him.

Wow lol. I've never made a post like this before. Dammit, I think I've been growing up again. I DONT WANNA GROW UP, IM A TOYS R' US KID!!!

[Onyx]

In this day and age it may seem 90% of the men have been demonized, but there are some good ones out there, ya just have to be patient and strong. Dont try to look, atleast one will come to you eventually. When he does, do some serious soul search on him.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Definitely true, and once you find out how good it is to have a relationship where you get as much as you give, you'll never want to go back to an abusive one.

That was some awesome advice Darkchylde.

[Dirtywhispers]

Assholes like him really thinks it will resolve anything just to beat on there wives/girlfriends. It doesnt resolve shit! All it does is just make the situation alot worse and the women to fear the bastards even more. I could never wish that upon my gf, I rather just leave the house and walk a couple blocks than beat on her. How can anyone be comfy being with somone who's just gonna be afraid instead of love? I sure as hell could never live with the guilt yet never forgive myself.

For guys who have anger issues this is whut y'all need to realize and think. Do y'all want your spouse to love you? Or just be afraid of you and live in the fear you created on her?

See, when people like that say "I love you even if I hit you". NO THEY DONT!! They only say that to succumb and be a slave to there own hell, even though they may not say. But they do get a thrill to bring suffer and pain.

Jen, I've known you for awhile and I know deep down inside your alot stronger than that. You can get away!! Dont let him succomb you like how other innocent women became victims to this. ITS TIME FOR THE CYCLE OF ABUSE TO BE BROKEN!!

In this day and age it may seem 90% of the men have been demonized, but there are some good ones out there, ya just have to be patient and strong. Dont try to look, atleast one will come to you eventually. When he does, do some serious soul search on him.

Wow lol. I've never made a post like this before. Dammit, I think I've been growing up again. I DONT WANNA GROW UP, IM A TOYS R' US KID!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Wow I cant believe that vcame out of your mouth. Seriously though thank you all for your support, it means alot to me.

[Brenda Starrr]

Assholes like him really thinks it will resolve anything just to beat on there wives/girlfriends. It doesnt resolve shit! All it does is just make the situation alot worse and the women to fear the bastards even more. I could never wish that upon my gf, I rather just leave the house and walk a couple blocks than beat on her. How can anyone be comfy being with somone who's just gonna be afraid instead of love? I sure as hell could never live with the guilt yet never forgive myself.

For guys who have anger issues this is whut y'all need to realize and think. Do y'all want your spouse to love you? Or just be afraid of you and live in the fear you created on her?

See, when people like that say "I love you even if I hit you". NO THEY DONT!! They only say that to succumb and be a slave to there own hell, even though they may not say. But they do get a thrill to bring suffer and pain.

Jen, I've known you for awhile and I know deep down inside your alot stronger than that. You can get away!! Dont let him succomb you like how other innocent women became victims to this. ITS TIME FOR THE CYCLE OF ABUSE TO BE BROKEN!!

In this day and age it may seem 90% of the men have been demonized, but there are some good ones out there, ya just have to be patient and strong. Dont try to look, atleast one will come to you eventually. When he does, do some serious soul search on him.

Wow lol. I've never made a post like this before. Dammit, I think I've been growing up again. I DONT WANNA GROW UP, IM A TOYS R' US KID!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Can I just say that this is excellent advice? DC, I'm really, really impressed.

Please Jen....

You don't see a single person here that's saying "Stay! He's worth it." I was in your shoes, but in a different way. And I thought that I could fix him. I couldn't. You can't. Please, walk away.

[Lilith]

I personally dont want to say leave nor do i want to say stay. I dont know what is best for you or him as i dont know either of you and even if i did know you i am not sure it would be my place to say either way. I guess the best possiable thing i could do is give a concept to think on "LOVE is not about me, it is about you" Basically when you are told I love you it should mean THe i Speaking would do anything in the world to meat your needs. Also remebr you can love some one from a far and often in doing so it is meeting a need for that person.

take care of you

[Homicidalheathen]

I liked what Steven said. Personally I would leave. I was in this situation once.

I like you, grew up this way and thought mabye he would change like my dad did......but.......I still think.....my mom would have been happier with someone else, not just the relationship turning for the better but to be with someone your more compatible with overall.

So thats it then, it comes down too......are you mentally programmed at this point to accept it or.......are you really so in love with his good side you cannot let go?

Only you know.

[wheresmypiggy]

We cant tell you what to do.

I can say I have been in your situation and even made a few posts about it last august when I was seeing David.

They don't change. They can't. Its like a shark. Once is smells blood the hunt is on.

Not too long ago here in Michigan women were still considered a mans property.

My mother was married to a sociopath who beat and raped her. She went to the police. They made a report. She went to court and was sent home to him.

This was 1987.

He was a good con man. He made her believe he was sorry. That he would never do it again. My mother left him anyways.

He still stalks the family. His brother recently came to the house and roughed up my mother.

I cannot tell you that leaving him will be easy. Or even better for you for that matter.

All I can tell you is that you are going to make your own decisions.

You have friends to look to for support, help and guidance now but those will start to fade away if you stay with him. You will lose everything. You will find yourself dependant upon him. Feel like you need him. Can't live without him. Feel in love with him.

This is the web they weave.

Time really will heal all wounds. Once you stop the injuries.

[JaneDead]

ditto jessi and the rest.

all i think of when i hear about abuse like this is:

do you have respect for yourself? then why allow yourself to be treated this way. would you think it was ok if your sister, or mother, or daughter, or best friend was treated this way? my guess is NO so why do it to YOURSELF?

[ZhukovCodeslinger]

careful.

I hear excuses brewing.

your in danger.

of getting your ass beat for good.

but worse - of wasting your time and accepting bad programming.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

+1 for Steven

... its really hard to watch a stereotype unfolding infront of your eyes.

Everyone here knows several people that are in or have been in this situation.

It is very hard to get out of, and you only have a few choices:

Leave

Live with it

or someone dies.

.... i think the choice should not be too hard... but it is for most people. Take care of yourself.